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Jegsy Scarr

Confidence issues. Please help!

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Hi guys!

I've not really posted anything in a while, since I've been on holiday in Paris for a week, and Wales the week after that. Anyway, I was wondering if any of you could give me some advice on a problem I noticed whilst away...

So, to give you a bit of context here, what tends to happen with me when I'm out and about: shopping, in town, etc. is that, if I see a boy about my age passing by who I think looks nice, I'll just smile, and try and catch their eye. What happens almost every single time is that the boy will realise I'm looking at him, maybe look me in the eye for a moment, and then look away, obviously not interested in me enough to even smile back.

So here's the problem.

When I was on holiday in Paris, I went with the girls' choir that I'm in, so there were loads of other girls my age. On the ferry back home, we were sitting in the lounge in the onboard restaurant. There were a few boys there about my age that looked nice, so I thought, "Great, maybe one of them will come over and talk to me, I'll just smile and try and catch their eye".

And, for perhaps the first time ever, one of them looked back at me like he might have been interested.

And do you know what? I couldn't look him in the eye anymore! Because I kept thinking, But what if he's not interested in me? What if he's just looking at me because I'm looking at him, and he's actually thinking "Why is this girl looking at at me, I'm not interested in her?" I had so little self-confidence, that I really couldn't believe that he might like me.

If I had to give a reason for feeling like that, then I'd say it's because guys have never been interested in me before. I've never been asked out. Occasionally, I've heard some of the meaner boys at my school taking amongst themself about girls or whatever, and one of them will see me and say something like, "Hey, Julie? Will you go out with my mate?", followed by hysterical laughter, as if going out with me would be some kind of a joke.

A few years ago when I was about 13 or so, I got picked on a lot by some of the boys in my school. See, I am unfortunate in that I have very pale skin, and very dark hair. You do the maths. So one day, I was with my friends in the canteen, when a boy comes up to us, a complete stranger, talking to one of them, when suddenly, he glances at me, does a sort of double-take, and then with a smirk on his face says to me, "You got a 'tache?" In a year at school, at least another dozen boys said the same thing to me: "Have you got a moustache?" "You've got hair there, did you know?" Once or twice, it would be someone tapping his friend on the shoulder, pointing to me, then pointing to his top lip. It always had the same result: I'd be left in floods of tears. I had so little confidence that at lunch sitting at a table with my friends, if a boy came over to talk to us, I'd put my face in my hands and try not to meet his eye.

The teasing stopped eventually. The boys realised that they were really upsetting me, and stopped: I think it was more that they were just saying what they thought rather than them actually trying to hurt me. But the damage was done. The fact that most of my friends have been asked out (most of them more than once) hasn't helped either. It's as though boys are just not attracted to me. So when someone does seem interested in me, I don't know what to do. And sometimes, like the time on the ferry, I think to myself, "Well, obviously he's not interested in me, because no one ever likes me, because if they did, I'd've been asked out by now".

See my problem? So, what do I do? Can you give me some advice?

xxx

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Jegsy. I don't have any magic words or step by step guide to boost your confidence. I'm so very sorry you have to deal with this, and it breaks my heart about the teasing. Just know you are someone very special, even if it's had to believe somedays, and someday, maybe even now, some guy is going to notice that. Lots of hugs for you.

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Hey!

Bethe:

Thank you. Don't worry about not having any "magic words" or anything: it's great just to hear "Don't give up" from someone. Also, virtual hugs work well too!

Mike:

First off, feel lucky that your insecurities are just physical and specific.

Good point. There's certainly a lot of girls in my school can't say that: I'd much rather be average-looking than a bitch who gets on everyone's nerves.

Just from talking to you on this site, I know you're more interesting than lots of other girls I've met, pretty and ugly alike.

Aw, thanks!

That said. Not to be insensitive, but have you tried a makeover? I have no idea what you look like, so I'm just generalizing here.

lol! I have since removed the moustache, btw! I'm not a complete idiot! (some parts are missing)

I also used to wear glasses, but I now generally wear contacts unless I'm just lounging about the house (my mum once told me, "Boys seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses". But bear in mind that this is the same mother whose reply to "Mum, do you like [insert famous hot actor here]?" is "Well, I wouldn't kick him out of bed".)

I had a similar makeover myself...well, a guy version. I used to dress like a total dork freshmen year, had lots of acne, was too emabarassed to ask my parents to by me deodorant, etc.

Ew, Mike! Did you really think girls would go for Eau du B.O.?

Also, on a tangent of my own, I am currently reading John Gray's "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus", which I purchased in a charity shop. Good book! I may post a "Who's read it?" thread, because so far, I've been like, "When I find that special someone, I'm getting him to read this before we get married".

Anyway...

Thanks again! See, this website's cool, because it's not just articles and stuff, there's also advice and support avaliable to everyone. And it's like everyone sort-of knows everyone (I wouldn't email you my bank account details, or anything, but you know what I mean.)

Virtual hugs and kisses!

xoxoxox

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lol!

Think I preferred being pictured as a Phantom of the Opera obsessed Scottish teenager with an interest in musical theatre.

So now, I'll just picture you as someone who, wherever he goes, leaves a cloud of aftershave and deodorant behind him.

xxx

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well its completely normal for girls with dark here to have darker hers over there top lip wax it its not a problem. and im pale skied i think its nice and sots me better than a tan in the summer i actual where factor 80 because i don't want a tan, i like being pale and im blonde/little ginger brawny/blond sort of and i hate it i would love dark here so im sure your gorges and you should have more confidence. and if you have more confidence guys will see it and you will get asked out. and i get bullied in school to mosty people do, just keep your head high it will end when you finish school/ 6th form i hope :)

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"Personally, I find it so rare for a stranger to actually smile when eye contact is made that I always return it, no matter who's throwing it. But then, I'm the type who tries to initiate the smile as well. "

I agree, so Jegsy, nothing to worry about :) It's really nice when someone returns eye contact & smiles as well, but if not, not to be taken personally; a lot of people don't.

Since you already took care of the moustache and glasses, seems like your physical insecurities are well on their way out!

Simple little things really help me too--I don't wear makeup often or if I do it's minimal and natural. Just wearing a little coverup makes me feel better---and it looks like I'm not wearing any make-up! :D

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confidence is hard for me sometimes because my self-esteem is low. I'm the first to tell you physically I know I'm not pretty. I get told that all the time by sorry guys who think the perfect girl has to be blonde, busty, and so skinny the wind could blow her away. It got so bad at one point that I had to delete my myspace account because people were bashing me bad. One guy told me that no guy would ever want me unless I was wearing a bag over my head.

But, on the inside I am one of the prettiest girls. It might sound braggy but, I know I'm sweet, I'm caring, always there for my loved and anyone else who might need a shoulder to cry or ears to listen.

Everyone saids "Steph you're pretty" but, what they can't seem to understand is I can't see what they see. I've never even felt pretty before. I avoid mirrors and pictures as much as possible. I hate seeing what is staring back at me. I guess sometimes you're harder on yourself then others but, it happens.

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