DHZ

Are you really supposed to settle?

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My mom is basically telling that I should settle for a fat girl, or someone that's divorced/widowed. When I really want a girl that's a virgin.

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Never settle. Never settler or lower your standards to please anyone. Do you know how many times I've been told to settle? I don't do that. Time passes and eventually,we all meet someone we like for real and they like us back that fit well into our standards and morale etc., Settling is the worst thing you can do. I've never had a boyfriend because men where I live just don't cut it to what I'm looking for,and that's okay! I suppose the same is for you but with women,right? Patience is a virtue. 

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Depends what you mean by "settle". If you're not attracted to them, then there's no point in dating or marrying them, certainly. You should always have standards, but there may be some things you need to compromise on. The best match for you that exists as a real person might have something you otherwise would see as a major flaw. I used to not want to date anybody who was religious. Now I am willing to, provided they don't deny evolution or anything like that.

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I am going to provide an unpopular view on this….

But first, if you have options in the dating world, this means there are girls you like, who definitely want you to peruse them. Be patient and take your time in this step. My two cents..put them first. Select the women you could be the best husband to and second make sure she will be a good wife. So if this applies to you, then my friend, you have what some people call a “Good Problem”   : p Just be patient.

If this does not apply to you, then let me tell you about one of my cousins.

He settled and said it was the best thing he ever did and he wished he did it sooner!

He is a very kind, caring, loving, Christ centered and devout Christian. However, he had very few options and they were not the options he wanted. Here are the main reasons why he could not get the options he wanted.  

1)      He is very short. Despite being an amazing guy, many women in many different communities would not date him because of his height. They were not attracted to him and lumped him in the friend zone.( I am obviously not saying all women would do this). It is a harsh reality but looks matter to many people, outside of WTM. Much like how you might not want to settle for :

On 9/23/2016 at 3:21 PM, DHZ said:

My mom is basically telling that I should settle for a fat girl

If looks did not matter, then more people that wanted marriage, with outwardly unattractive qualities, but possessed great inward qualities, would have gotten married b/w 18-25 and would not be alone. Unless they wanted/needed to be single. During those years of your life, many young people want everything and are not willing to settle for someone they are not outwardly attracted to.  However, in places like WTM many people prioritize inward qualities, not so much outward. 

(side note-for me and I assume many others on this site, looks are preferences but not absolutes. I prefer chubby/curvy women but a slender girl would not be a deal breaker)

2)      This was definitely the biggest issue...He is also very shy and does not have a sense of humor. So in a group setting where guys are competing and engaging the girls in exciting, funny and productive dialogue, he is not going to do very well…and never did. Also, if you can make a girl laugh, you’re definitely getting some major bonus points with her..Same goes for the girls! 

So after 10 years of being alone, sad, bitter, angry and unhappy, he accepted reality and adjusted his expectations. He started to date some lovely, sweet, caring, thoughtful, passionate and Christ centered women. Soon after, he got happily married ( I went to his wedding :) and he wished he realized this way earlier in life. Now this worked for him because he first acknowledged and later accepted (A) The reasons why he has not gotten the options he wanted (B) That he would be happier having someone than no one.  He did say the most difficult part to overcome was realizing the type of women he wanted, will usually not want him.

Not everyone can do this and if you cant, then don’t.

Let me ask you a few questions…Why do you want a virgin? What is wrong with a women who has had sex before? What can you do/have with a virgin, that you can’t do/have with a non-virgin? You’re really limiting your options this way so I am just curious.

 

( DHZ I am not referring to you in this rambling bc you simply mentioned a virgin as your preference. Nothing more….. but to the guys that talk about virgins being pure and special. This sounds like a smoke screen to me. It sounds like they are most likely afraid. Afraid of how they will compare to the other men in the bedroom. A confident man isn’t going to be bothered by the fact his partner isn’t a virgin. He will have confidence in himself and in her.)

 

What’s special and pure about two people getting married, are the substantive matters that hold a relationship together. The lifelong commitment they made to each other, spiritual connections, passion for each other, a deep and growing love for one another ect..Virginity should be viewed as a bonus, good if you have it, but not the end of the world if you don’t. 

So to answer your question “Are you really supposed to settle?” Let’s call this adjusting your expectations…settling has a negative ring to it.

1)    If you have options in the dating world, never settle! That would be a huge mistake. Please be patient and carefully take your time…we are talking about a lifelong commitment.  

2)   Some people can accept settling/being settled for. If you really want marriage and you’re like my cousin, then yes, it will be better for you mentally and emotionally.

3)   If you can’t adjust your expectations or accept settling, then you probably should not marry and work on accepting a lonely life. It would not be fair to your wife.

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54 minutes ago, StarGate SG1 said:

I am going to provide an unpopular view on this….

 

But first, if you have options in the dating world, this means there are girls you like, who definitely want you to peruse them. Be patient and take your time in this step. My two cents..put them first. Select the women you could be the best husband to and second make sure she will be a good wife. So if this applies to you, then my friend, you have what some people call a “Good Problem”   : p Just be patient.

 

If this does not apply to you, then let me tell you about one of my cousins.

 

He settled and said it was the best thing he ever did and he wished he did it sooner!

 

He is a very kind, caring, loving, Christ centered and devout Christian. However, he had very few options and they were not the options he wanted. Here are the main reasons why he could not get the options he wanted.  

 

1)      He is very short. Despite being an amazing guy, many women in many different communities would not date him because of his height. They were not attracted to him and lumped him in the friend zone.( I am obviously not saying all women would do this). It is a harsh reality but looks matter to many people, outside of WTM. Much like how you might not want to settle for :

If looks did not matter, then more people that wanted marriage, with outwardly unattractive qualities, but possessed great inward qualities, would have gotten married b/w 18-25 and would not be alone. Unless they wanted/needed to be single. During those years of your life, many young people want everything and are not willing to settle for someone they are not outwardly attracted to.  However, in places like WTM many people prioritize inward qualities, not so much outward. 

(side note-for me and I assume many others on this site, looks are preferences but not absolutes. I prefer chubby/curvy women but a slender girl would not be a deal breaker)

2)      This was definitely the biggest issue...He is also very shy and does not have a sense of humor. So in a group setting where guys are competing and engaging the girls in exciting, funny and productive dialogue, he is not going to do very well…and never did. Also, if you can make a girl laugh, you’re definitely getting some major bonus points with her..Same goes for the girls! 

So after 10 years of being alone, sad, bitter, angry and unhappy, he accepted reality and adjusted his expectations. He started to date some lovely, sweet, caring, thoughtful, passionate and Christ centered women. Soon after, he got happily married ( I went to his wedding :) and he wished he realized this way earlier in life. Now this worked for him because he first acknowledged and later accepted (A) The reasons why he has not gotten the options he wanted (B) That he would be happier having someone than no one.  He did say the most difficult part to overcome was realizing the type of women he wanted, will usually not want him.

Not everyone can do this and if you cant, then don’t.

Let me ask you a few questions…Why do you want a virgin? What is wrong with a women who has had sex before? What can you do/have with a virgin, that you can’t do/have with a non-virgin? You’re really limiting your options this way so I am just curious.

 

 

 

( DHZ I am not referring to you in this rambling bc you simply mentioned a virgin as your preference. Nothing more….. but to the guys that talk about virgins being pure and special. This sounds like a smoke screen to me. It sounds like they are most likely afraid. Afraid of how they will compare to the other men in the bedroom. Afraid they might not be as good and their partner will have to settle for them sexually. A confident man isn’t going to be bothered by the fact his partner isn’t a virgin. He will have confidence in himself and in her.)

 

 

 

What’s special and pure about two people getting married, are the substantive matters that hold a relationship together. The lifelong commitment they made to each other, spiritual connections, passion for each other, a deep and growing love for one another ect..Virginity should be viewed as a bonus, good if you have it, but not the end of the world if you don’t. 

So to answer your question “Are you really supposed to settle?” Let’s call this adjusting your expectations…settling has a negative ring to it.

1)    If you have options in the dating world, never settle! That would be a huge mistake. Please be patient and carefully take your time…we are talking about a lifelong commitment.  

 

2)   If you really want marriage and you’re like my cousin. Then yes, it will be better for you mentally and emotionally.

 

3)   If you can’t adjust your expectations, then you probably should not marry and accept a lonely life. It would not be fair to your wife, whether she is settling for you or not at all.

 

hmmm, I have no options.

For some reason I'm not really afraid of being alone forever anymore.(Not really sure how that happened.)

And I'm learning to budge on the virginity part atleast.

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Okay...

So here's my answer to the question about "settling" and I'm going to say there is no such thing as "settling." Settling is a bad word. 

Let's call it choosing. Out of the available options you choose what you want.

That's all.

My perspective on the whole thing is that the world is imperfect and you never know what will happen in the future. I went after a girl over the last two months whom I learned of in July that I thought was going to be the one. She had almost everything I thought to be important but after meeting her and going after her I learned how unimportant those things really are. It doesn't matter how you see a girl or what value you assign to her, if she doesn't want to be with you she isn't an option.

So the question isn't about options it's actually about openness. Are you open to possibly being happy with someone you didn't think was initially possible? That's the hardest question most people never ask. What if you went with a fat girl and she made you feel good? I mean... everyone when they get older will eventually get fatter or skinnier. You can't escape that. Is the overweight woman someone who is doing something to improve herself.. are there good qualities about her?

As of right now I'm looking, I'll admit it. Some might call me desperate but the reality is I'm just being open. I'm not going to marry someone whom I cannot make happy, and of whom I'm not happy with. If the person happens to have a child or two it may be true that it could lead to a higher chance of divorce... but let's face it even for you Bible thumpers out there. Hosea married a prostitute. In the Old Testament, the brother was supposed to take his older brother's wife if he died. The benjamites carried women off and then made them their wives.

There literally aren't any stone hard rules of courtship and marriage in the Bible and that's not because marriage isn't sacred or that God didn't intend it to be perfect, it's because we as humans aren't perfect.

Regardless of your religion I'm sure you can agree with that.

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Settling is definitely not something anyone should do. Not because they feel they deserve better, but because it is demeaning to the man or woman you are supposed to cherish and feel incomplete without. A change of spousal desires due to finding someone that brings a level of joy that's beyond expectation is okay. Simply waking up one day and pursuing a relationship based on the assumption that any love is better than none is entirely selfish and doesn't speak well of the character of any man or woman who does so. It's objectifying the other person as a tool of pleasure.

I tried writing a reply for the "fat woman" issue that keeps being brought up. I can't verbalize it properly in an easy to read post so I'll just say you guys are ridiculously off base. If you think overweight women are somehow easier or indicate a lesser quality marriage then you should probably just stay single. Both men and women living in the West need to grow up on what people actually look like, even at healthy weights, so they can pursue realistic goals for themselves and their children.

@Ringer

You've never read the Bible obviously as marriage lessons begin in Genesis. The entire nation of Israel was created on stone hard rules on marriage. You even mention Hosea which is an entire book on God's unconditional love in marriage to Israel. There's so many marriage rules in the Bible that pastors make their entire career on preaching, counseling, and writing about them.

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5 hours ago, Amarillo said:

 

@Ringer

You've never read the Bible obviously as marriage lessons begin in Genesis. The entire nation of Israel was created on stone hard rules on marriage. You even mention Hosea which is an entire book on God's unconditional love in marriage to Israel. There's so many marriage rules in the Bible that pastors make their entire career on preaching, counseling, and writing about them.

FYI  We are talking about courtship.

EDIT: I did say "and marriage" so I see how you got confused. Sorry about that.

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Hey Amarillo,

I actually spent a few years in Houston. It was fun and I met some amazing people…Anyway, when you said:

15 hours ago, Amarillo said:

I tried writing a reply for the "fat woman" issue that keeps being brought

Did you mean on WTM? I actually have not seen any similar comments so I was just wondering.

 

15 hours ago, Amarillo said:

If you think overweight women are somehow easier or indicate a lesser quality marriage then you should probably just stay single.

This probably does not matter but I prefer heavier set women and that is not at all what I got from his mother telling him to settle for a heavy set, divorced or widowed woman. Here is what I got from it. Maybe there are single women in his community that are amazing, loving, happy and available, who might be in one of these categories. If his mom sees her son is lonely and wants companionship, of course she is going to try and help him. Maybe she thinks if he opens up his preferences to more than one type of women, he will end up happy…instead of looking for a needle in a haystack.

If you're referring to this thread, neither DHZ or his mother suggested heavy set, divorced or widowed women are easier or will be a lesser quality. Nor did they say a woman outside of his preference would be easier or be a lesser quality...So I am not sure why you're saying this, when DHZ simply stated he has one preference, when looking for a partner, nothing more. Or am I totally misreading your comment. Perhaps are you referring to other men, in different threads that suggested this?

Lastly, I definitely agree with you on this:

15 hours ago, Amarillo said:

It's objectifying the other person as a tool of pleasure.

Especially, if it’s just one person in the relationship who’s setting and cannot change how they feel on the issue. Well said. I’m totally going to remember and use that in the future. However, if the person can change how they feel, they can slowly began to appreciate, love and cherish someone they once were not open to...I think that speaks well on their character…Maybe it’s like an arranged marriage?…they might not be head over heels for one another but over time they develop a spousal love.

 

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@Ringer

I'm not confused. You just said something baseless out of ignorance and arguing lexicon that no reasonable English speaker would have confusion about seems more palatable.

@StarGate SG1

I was referencing this thread. If you also wish to go down the road of denying the use of "settling" in it's most commonly accepted manner, as evidenced by the examples even you contributed too, I won't stop you.

Absolute foolishness.

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3 minutes ago, Amarillo said:

@Ringer

I'm not confused. You just said something baseless out of ignorance and arguing lexicon that no reasonable English speaker would have confusion about seems more palatable.

 

Looks like you've been triggered by something. Let's talk about this.
First, why are you angry over something said on the internet?
Second, explain exactly what is ignorant about saying that the Bible doesn't talk much about courtship and the ways people got married in the Bible aren't exactly the same as they are today.

If you claim so much knowledge, now's the time to show it rather than getting angry over a forum post.

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@Amarillo

Hey Amarillo,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I’ll be the first to admit, I am not the greatest communicator when it comes to typing haha so maybe I misread or mis-communicated something. However, from what I can see from your responses, they’re not accurate or consistent with anything I previously mentioned.

Since you’re referring to this thread, where did DHZ (or for that matter, any other guy ) say that heavy set, divorced or widowed women would be easier or lesser quality? From what I see, you’re the only one who said this.

 You said I denied the commonly accepted manner of settling. Can you explain how? In my last response, in the last paragraph, I literally agreed with you on the common manner of settling. If you’re referring to the example I gave, you will see I acknowledge a different view, which somebody else shared with me.

Seeing something from another person’s perspective is not denial. It’s being empathetic of someone else’s situation. Which is something Jesus did with Tax Collectors and sinful people. He demonstrated this in Luke chapter 7, starting at vs 36. Jesus let the sinful woman greet Him, kiss Him and wash and dry His feet. In order for Christ to do this, he had to be empathetic and compassionate. In that passage, it sure seems like you have a similar attitude as the Pharisees and that my friend would be foolish.

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11 hours ago, Amarillo said:

@Ringer

I'm not confused. You just said something baseless out of ignorance and arguing lexicon that no reasonable English speaker would have confusion about seems more palatable.

@StarGate SG1

I was referencing this thread. If you also wish to go down the road of denying the use of "settling" in it's most commonly accepted manner, as evidenced by the examples even you contributed too, I won't stop you.

Absolute foolishness.

@Amarillo, it's fine to disagree, but cool it with the attitude and be respectful, please.

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6 hours ago, Invincible said:

@Amarillo, it's fine to disagree, but cool it with the attitude and be respectful, please.

No worries. It's just difficult being a Bible thumping mosaic Jew refusing Jesus' teachings these days. :lol:

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