CrystalFaerie

Asking out an introvert

16 posts in this topic

I'm moving this topic here so as not to derail 'tis the Bearded One's thread :)

 

So there's this guy I really, really like. To the point that I haven't like anyone this much before.  :blush: We get on well, and I'm happy simply being in his presence - which is both a blessing and a curse, since we're both introverts - and he makes me feel comfortable and calm in a way I've never felt before. He's quiet but friendly when we do talk, and he seems to care about me, if only as a friend. I could go on for ages about how interesting and attractive he is, but I guess you get the idea :P

 

Anyway, as I mentioned in the other thread, we're both very introverted. Unless there is a reason for us to talk, we won't talk. Until a few weeks ago, it seemed we were playing a game of "who can ignore the other better" - we would both work at the library a few tables from each other, we would purposefully get books from the shelves just next to each other, we would both be aware of each other's presence, and yet we would blatantly ignore each other. In my case, I was terrified of making eye contact. I was acutely aware of his presence, but it paralyzed me. We interact more now, but that's just to give you an idea of how hard it is for us to get something going.

 

I've been chatting to him on and off about studies, because he's two years ahead of me and he knows a lot of information that I need. Most of the time, he answers my texts immediately, but he always breaks off the conversation one the subject has been dealt with. From what I know of him, he doesn't like small talk and doesn't see the point in saying something if it isn't necessary. He's of the "make your words count" type. Sometimes he also forgets to answer (he's almost as busy as he is scatterbrained) but he's told me clearly that I don't bother him and he likes talking to me, so it's not personal.

 

However, I find it frustrating that he's so hard to reach. I myself am not the type to reach out to someone, and there's only so much of myself I'm comfortable putting out there. I feel like we could get on really well if only we climbed out of our shells, but, well, that's a scary thing to do, isn't it?

 

The last thing is that he's leaving town in less than two months, and in September he's off to Africa to volunteer until June next year. He doesn't know what he'll do after that - he might choose to continue his studies elsewhere, and I might never see him again. I would be terribly sad if that were the case. Part of me wants to outright tell him before he leaves, so that I won't have missed my chance; part of me is too afraid; and part of me worries that even if I do tell him, he won't want to start something now, since he's leaving so soon.

 

I almost asked him out last Wednesday. I wrote him a small letter and poem in Ancient Greek (we're both studying it) but I thought it would be too weird to give it to him, given that he's kind of my friend now. It's not like we'd never talked before, so saying "hey, want to hang out?" would be a bit redundant. On the other hand, I do want to get to know him more personally - beyond the discussions about studies we've had so far.

 

I don't know. You're probably all going to tell me to do it, and I accept that :P I think what I mostly need is encouragement. I feel sick every time I think of telling him, the idea just makes me so nervous. But I would hate to miss my chance and not know what could've happened if I'd done it…

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey CF, 

   

I can understand a little bit about your feelings. As a guy, I am also introverted myself so getting up the courage to tell a girl that I really like her can be terrifying at times. One thing that sticks out from your post is the fact that you are trying. You wrote him a poem and letter and I do think that's great! You also spend time with him (even though it may not be long) and that's good too!  I think making a move would be good cause it would help get rid of some unwanted anxiety.  I think as a guy, it would feel great to get a letter or a poem. Why? Because, knowing someone took the time write to me a letter tells me he or she cares and I think it is something that everybody can relate to. People like it when others do something for them. Plus, as an introvert, I like to get stuck in my own little world so reading a letter will keep me stuck there. It is great (or maybe it is just me, :) ).   

 

From my experience, trying to get to know someone better can be daunting and times intimidating, but I think if you take it in increments, you will be okay.

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CF your situation sounds so adorable and innocent. It sure warms the heart of an old cynic like me. lol

 

Personally I think the letter is super thoughtful especially since it's in Greek which makes it all the more special since it's almost like a secret code between you two :) I would love it if I got something like that. You know what? Rather than just giving it to him, you should go a step further and read it to his face. Extra points if it's in front of a large audience. That will really help with overcoming shyness :P

 

Seriously though, I would just be really casual in the beginning. No need to make things more complicated than it needs to be. You said you just want to get to know him right now beyond homework. Just make a light suggestion and say, "Hey I think you're really cool and I'd like to get to know you more. Did you want to go to coffee this week?" Or whatever it is you guys drink in Switzerland. lol. Just be casual, it doesn't have to be a date. That makes it specific enough that makes him make a choice but open ended enough for him not to feel overwhelmed. He will be flattered that you brought it up :) Sometimes shy guys need a bit of a nudge to get the courage to make a move.

 

You really have nothing to lose. Instead of focusing on that, think about what you have to gain. You could potentially gain someone who you are really compatible and you could have something really special with. Now doesn't that sound enticing? You are such a great, intelligent girl with so much to offer. He'd be so lucky to have you. I hope things work out. :)

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From my experience, trying to get to know someone better can be daunting and times intimidating, but I think if you take it in increments, you will be okay.

 

Which is why I would declare an intention to get to know him better. If he is open to it it will make the whole process easier and less fraught with anxiety as you'll both be on the same page. Otherwise since you are both shy you might just both be dropping lots of subtle hints that neither of you grasps in time.  

 

 

Now obviously you know this guy much better than that since you’ve actually spent time with him and had real conversations but I guess what I’m trying to say is if you don’t really know him all that well as a person then you should try not to feel too bad and beat yourself up too much if it doesn’t work out.

 

This is why I would take care not to make any potential letter sound like an infatuated love letter. You don't want to scare him off by appearing overzealous compared to how much you actually know about him. In my opinion, expressing a firm desire to get to know him better considering what you already know about him would be appropriate at this stage.

 

The anxiety and risk of making a move is well worth the potential rewards  :)

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Regret.

 

It sucks.

 

If he heads off to Africa and you never see him again and you never take that chance to find out if he likes you at all than you'll regret it. Probably for the rest of your life, even if you are married one day with children, somewhere in the back of your mind you'll always wonder to yourself, "I  wonder what would have happened if I had asked that guy to dinner."

 

I am going to suggest exactly what you thought we'd suggest. Just quickly, directly approach him and ask him to dinner. I know it is scary and until you get used to doing it more there's no way around it but it is necessary. Usually guys do the asking out but I'll say the person who has strong feelings should be the one who acts based on those feelings. Since you have strong feelings for him you must act on them.

 

I used to be more shy in high school, the thought of acknowledging to someone you have interest can be terrifying because the thought of them hearing your interest and telling you they don't have interest in you sounds humiliating but it really isn't that big of a deal. If you have such deep levels of interest you owe it to yourself to act on them. It will give you peace. If he doesn't have interest in you in that way you get it over with and stop yearning to be around him more. You'll have an answer and won't have to worry about it anymore. No regrets.

 

As a student you know one can not improve in any facet of life without practicing. You practice sports, you practice musical instruments, you practice a foreign language, when preparing for a test to go over the material and prepare yourself. The same with interacting with the other sex and asking people out. You need practice. This is a great opportunity.

 

Didn't you mention Lord of the Rings in some other post? You've dressed up like those characters in your avatar? All of the characters in those novels that you enjoy reading are courageous. They don't let fear paralyze them. When action is needed, they bravely step forward and act. Don't let fear paralyze you and have you always wondering what would have happened between you. Get out of your head and be a woman of courage and of action. I can guarantee that it is always flattering if someone honestly expresses interest in me...even if I don't return the interest.

 

Don't take all day, beating around the bush, just be very direct  and ask for a date. Somewhere where you can be alone and talk. Not a movie where you can't talk to each other. Ask him to dinner or somewhere else you can talk one and one.

 

Good luck. I hope you take the chance. Trust me, you'll regret it if you don't.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

JUST DO IT!

 

Yes, it would hurt if he turned you down. But, what would hurt worse? Him going away and moving on, maybe even meeting someone else, and YOU REGRETTING NEVER TRYING!  You really have nothing to lose! If you ask him out and he says yes, then YAY! If he turns you down..oh well! Now you know and can move on to someone else! You will not have to live with any regrets or uncertaintities, "what ifs."

 

LIFE IS SHORT! JUST DO IT! Good luck! : )

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi there!

 

Normally I would think it best for the guy to initiate. However, time is quickly passing and your are set on knowing. I think you should state your intentions to him. At the very least, it will bring you some peace regardless of the answer.

 

I would be fairly direct but try not to come off to strong. I think reading a note/poem to him (albeit romantic) might make him a little uncomfortable. I think asking him dinner might be coming on a little too strong also. It would also require working out your schedules which would require more time. If he is really shy he might say he can't meet for dinner due to some schedule conflict. You need an approach that is quick and direct.

 

I think the best way to go about it would look something like this: When you see him next, you could say something like: "Hey, could you meet me after class, I had a question about something". Or, when you are both in the library studying you could invite him to take a break with you and join you for a short walk around campus or to join you for a cup of tea, etc. Then you could tell him how you feel. If you take this approach, state your feelings as soon as you can- DON'T DELAY! Otherwise, you will get nervous and put it off and your short meeting will be over and you will have missed your chance. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You think guys should ask the girl out?

 

She can even ask him out, express how she feels, take that chance by having him ask her out.

 

She can say something playfully, light-heartedly like "I've liked you for a month now, when are you ever going to ask me out? A girl can't wait forever you know?"

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh, p.s.

 

CrystalFaerie

 

I'm sure this goes without saying but you do know you are going to have to tell us what happened don't  you? At some point you're going to have to post something like, he's off to Africa, I never asked him out I'll never know what he felt towards me, or I asked him but he said no thanks and he's off to Africa, or I asked him and we are going out this Saturday...etc.

 

 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys! I've been reading your answers but didn't want to respond until I had time to type something more detailed than just "k thanks"… Now that I have a bit of time, I would like to thank you all for giving me such appropriate and encouraging advice. I really appreciate you all taking the time to help me out :) As always, you guys (and gals) are awesome!

 

A little update first: I saw him on Tuesday and again on Wednesday, and I'm seeing him again on Friday (all in the context of uni). On Tuesday, we chatted quite a bit about our department association's activities, and he was super sweet and friendly and happy to see him. Later in the day, I texted him to say that he's the only one in our class who pronounces my name correctly, and that I appreciated it. I didn't expect him to text back (like I said, he usually won't talk if there's nothing important to say) but he did, said that it was only natural, and we got talking about that. He was nice to me again on Wednesday and he even smiled and said bye to me when he left, which he never does. I think he's starting to get the hint. I almost invited him out for lunch on Wednesday, but I decided against it in the end. I might suggest it on Friday though. We'll see.

 

Now to get to what you said:

 

I would be fairly direct but try not to come off to strong. I think reading a note/poem to him (albeit romantic) might make him a little uncomfortable. I think asking him dinner might be coming on a little too strong also.

 

This is why I would take care not to make any potential letter sound like an infatuated love letter.

 

 

That's what I was thinking about the letter. On one hand, it would be super sweet and I think most people would be flattered to receive one, but given our current relationship, it would be a bit weird. So far I've shown casual interest of the "I think you're really awesome and I like hanging out with you, let's hang out more" type, and a letter, whether in French or ancient Greek, would give the situation a more serious turn, I think. Apart from the cuteness factor, a letter wouldn't make that much of a difference. There's nothing I would write that I wouldn't say to his face.

 

It was fun to write though  :lol:

 

Just make a light suggestion and say, "Hey I think you're really cool and I'd like to get to know you more. Did you want to go to coffee this week?" Or whatever it is you guys drink in Switzerland. lol. Just be casual, it doesn't have to be a date. That makes it specific enough that makes him make a choice but open ended enough for him not to feel overwhelmed.

 

 

That's pretty much what I'm thinking of doing. Casual, but clear enough that he knows I'm interested. Thank you :)

 

(Hot chocolate. We drink hot chocolate :D Though we still call it "going out for a coffee".)

 

JUST DO IT!

 

Yes, it would hurt if he turned you down. But, what would hurt worse? Him going away and moving on, maybe even meeting someone else, and YOU REGRETTING NEVER TRYING!  You really have nothing to lose! If you ask him out and he says yes, then YAY! If he turns you down..oh well! Now you know and can move on to someone else! You will not have to live with any regrets or uncertaintities, "what ifs."

 

LIFE IS SHORT! JUST DO IT! Good luck! : )

 

Regret.

 

It sucks.

 

If he heads off to Africa and you never see him again and you never take that chance to find out if he likes you at all than you'll regret it. Probably for the rest of your life, even if you are married one day with children, somewhere in the back of your mind you'll always wonder to yourself, "I  wonder what would have happened if I had asked that guy to dinner."

 

 

Thank you both for putting things into perspective that way, it's exactly what I needed. The fear of regret is what motivates me most at the moment - I would hate never to know what could've happened if I'd taken the chance. I don't want to end up like this song.

 

And thank you, HeWhoWaits, for the rest of your post as well. It means a lot that you took one of my interests and applied it to my situation :) You've given me very good advice and I feel all the more brave and prepared to do what I need to do!

 

*deep breath* now I just need to do it…

 

And finally:

 

I'm sure this goes without saying but you do know you are going to have to tell us what happened don't  you?

 

 

Of course I will :D I'll let you all know as soon as something - whatever it may be - happens!

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys! Time for a little update :)

 

After a lot of hesitation and insistence from literally everybody I know who knows I have a crush on this guy, I finally sent him a message on Sunday asking him out for coffee. I was so nervous, you have no idea :o but I did it! I spent the next half-day worrying that he'd say no, but as it turned out, he said yes! :D We don't have a date yet, but we discussed it today and it looks like it's going to happen next week. Now that it's confirmed, I thought I'd let you know!

 

On the downside, I have no idea if it's supposed to be a date or just hanging out. One of my friends said that the message I sent made it very obvious I was interested, but then, this guy is notably absent-minded so who knows.

 

But anyway, thanks so much for encouraging me, I can't believe I actually did it :D

8 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys, it's been a while so I thought I would update you on this, since you asked for it :) Bear in mind this is going to be bittersweet.

 

We went on that "date" together - we never officially called it a date, but it happened like one - just under three weeks ago and it was awesome. We went to a cafe-library (half books, half tables - I loved it) and talked for something like three hours. As it turns out, we have a lot more in common than I thought and we get on really well. I left really happy. The next day, he invited me to a conference by one of our teachers, and while we didn't talk much because we were in a group, he did save me a seat next to him. We talked a couple more times after that via text. At this point we were definitely friends.

 

But by then, he was preparing to move out of town, and with exams and other end-of-year paperwork, he got really busy. I could tell he was stressed, so I respected that and contacted him less often. But on the other hand, I was hoping to hang out with him again before he left for good, which made deciding on a course of action a bit difficult :P In the end, I invited him to a music festival that's being held this weekend. That's when he told me that he was leaving on Friday. It was clear in the way he said it that this was goodbye.

 

I did see him on Friday actually, because it was our association's general assembly. We didn't have time to talk outside of uni stuff, but at least I saw him, I guess. He behaved pretty much like usual, wished me happy birthday (because it was my birthday too) and let me choose first which responsibilities I wanted in the association next year, but he hardly looked me in the eye and we didn't talk one-on-one. When he left, he said goodbye quickly to the whole group and walked away without looking back. I decided not to let it get me down since it was my birthday and I was going to spend a good day regardless of him, but it was bittersweet to watch him go.

 

So there you go. Honestly, I'm fine and I'll live with it. It's sad, but he's moving on to other things and so long as he's happy, so am I. And you know what, even if it didn't work out, I'm glad that I was brave enough to try :)

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry things didn't work out with the relationship there. But, at least you don't have the regret of wondering how things would have worked out if you had only asked. At least, that was a clean break. So, in a sense, you accomplished what you wanted to- you got your answer and you don't have regrets.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear it didn’t work out better. However, if you found yourself so compatible I wouldn't be throwing in the towel just yet on the basis of implicit communication! Who knows, he might be hanging his implicit withdrawal on some implicit miscommunication/misunderstanding of your communication. Or maybe he has some very dispiriting views on long distance relationships or your potential willingness to engage in one. What do you have to lose in writing him and explicitly expressing the impression you implicitly received and asking whether this accurately reflects what he intended to communicate and making sure you’re views are clear and explicit?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now