lexxy53

Need some help desperately...

9 posts in this topic

I'm a 19 year old girl who has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for almost 3 years. We're both Christians and we have both made the decision to wait until marriage. Recently though I have been struggling greatly.

The problems started a long time ago, and very small I didn't even notice them. I used to watch a lot of tv shows about modern day relationships and every time I saw/heard about them having sex I got a stab of jealousy in my gut, but I could ignore it.

Then not too long ago I went on a weekend trip with some people from uni (it was an organized trip for the freshmen) and we played Never Have I Ever. (Not the best idea, I know). So these people are all around my age and as it inevitably always happens with this game, not having sex got mentioned and almost every drunk. Now with some people I wasn't surprised but I was still really jealous. It went on and on with 'I've never had sex [insert place or position]' and I just got so jealous and felt watched that I left the game to go sleep. It was a feeling I could suppress at least, for a while.

More and more have things started bothering me. Now whenever I hear about//see having anyone have sex whether it's on tv or in a book I take it way harder than I did before. I admit it, I feel extremely peer pressured.

I've begun questioning my decision to wait and I have had many dreams about fantasies which do NOT help. Me and my boyfriend do basicslly do everything but 'it' so I know it's not a lack of fullfilment.

It's gotten to a point where I've become desperate to get married. I thought 'why wait any longer, we've been together so long' when really it was just me wanting to have sex while still managing to abstain.

I know that my boyfriend is very supportive and I've told him everything I'm writing here but I also know he doesn't want to change his decision to wait (at least not now - he says). I'm so weak at the moment and I've read so many other blog posts about women who waited who wish they hadn't and I just don't know what to do. I'm getting internally angrier and angrier at my boyfriend for burdening me with this and I just wish he wouldn't want to wait, which I know is wrong. I'm also a bit angry at God for it being a sin (other than that we're on great terms haha!). I know in my heart I still really want to try to wait but it's just so hard sometimes I don't think I can do it, let alone that I want to.

Please please help me. Give me your tips and thoughts and strength. I really wanna pull through this. And maybe a hug would do good too :(

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I was nineteen years old once, and I had a really sexy girlfriend right before I decided to go to college after high school.  It really felt like it was time for sex, and I didn't think it was right at the same time.  I started asking other people for help.  I asked questions like: "Is it really sex if I wear a condom?"  "Will I still maintain my virginity if I <insert substitute activity>?" "Are we sure that waiting until marriage is what Jesus really wanted for us?"  I went on and on and on like that.

 

Asked this one person out of many.  I asked many because when we feel weak, we need help from others.  Why not?  They are our friends, family, and colleagues, right?  That one friend answered all of my questions just a simple reply everytime: "Don't do it..."

 

It sounds like you are at a crossroads with what Jesus wants you to do with the rest of your life.  That's the beginning of a great world with Him.  I would put Jesus First, and watch the world get larger and larger as Jesus gets larger and larger in your life.  A lot of women can become pregnant, but only a few can follow Jesus to do great things.  Even if that great thing is to offer yourself as a sexually pure woman to one husband someday, that is truly a great thing.  But, I suspect that Jesus Can Do even more.

 

I was at a crossroads between what Jesus wanted to do with the rest of my life, and what I wanted to do with it.  A lot of men have a groin that can "get the job done" so-to-speak, but not a lot of men can follow Jesus to do great things.  I decided to take my friend's advice and take the "road less traveled by."  It has indeed made all the difference.  Allow me to elaborate on what happened in my own life when I chose Jesus' Way instead...

 

Not that this will happen to you the same way or anything, but I want to show some of the benefits of waiting from my own perspective.  I broke up with that sexy girlfriend because I was going on to college.  After I visited for the first school breaks, I saw my x-girlfriend again.  She already had a kid as a single mother by that first summer break.  It wasn't mine because there was no chance of it.  I could have been trapped in my town as a new father while I was meant for such big academic fulfillment.  This kinda crap happened over and over too in college.  I had a lot of prospects, but nothing ever came of any of those girls because they weren't right for me.

 

Eventually, since I knew none of those girls were right, and Jesus had a plan for my life, I got a PhD, played guitar like a rockstar, became a pilot, and practiced martial arts.  I tried some other things too, but they didn't take off like the others.  I couldn't have done all of that if I had simply become a father at 19.  I wouldn't have ever maximized my potential, but instead become lost in a sea of statistics.

 

Even though I am a 30-something, I am not implying that you will have the same adventures that I have had with Jesus.  You may not even have to wait remotely close to as long as I have.  Also, I am not saying you should break up with your boyfriend.  Far from it.  But, I am delighted to share with you that I would follow Jesus with just as much reckless abandon as I had at 19 if I had to do it all over again, even though I have waited this long.  The "proof is in the pudding," as it were, now that I have a lot to show for what waiting can help someone accomplish...

 

The choice before you as a delightful christian woman can be made very clear: "Do you want to relieve your anxieties about waiting for sex by finally giving in even though it is driven by instincts and jealousy?  Or, do you want to give Jesus a chance to show you his idea of an exciting adventure when you put your life on hold to follow Him Instead...???"

 

I think if you choose Jesus, you will be very excited to find out just what kind of adventures might result from doing things Jesus' Way.  Therefore I give you the same simple advice that worked for me long ago:

 

"Don't do it..."

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Oh yeah, I almost forgot:

 

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGS

 

heh...

 

Now maybe you might be able to turn that FROWN upside-DOWN; like this:

 

:lol:

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Sex are the easiest thing you can get nowadays. Why bother jealousy-ing something that as easy as buying a pie? Those people are the one that should jealous seeing you two. 

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@GodsPhysicist :) thank you so much for your words it was what I needed to hear. I know I really want to WTM but it's just so hard...and you're completely right. I have prayed about ut and I feel better already although I do still want to be able to learn how to control my jealous feeling better :/

Awwh thanks for the hug :)

@blek yeah you're right :)

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Hmmm...

I'm going to be different here.

 

I'm sure 19 is the age of majority in most European countries (uni is not mentioned in America the same way).

So if you've been together three years and you like each other and see a future together why aren't you going to get married?

 

People are always talking about how "Oh let's wait" or "oh let's do this."

If you want to be together and it's mutual you can make it happen.

 

The idea of the modern world is "oh this could happen," or "oh that could happen, let me at least finish school."

It just goes to show that we put things above other people.

 

When you marry someone you're putting them ahead. You go where they go, and it's by choice. I'm really tired of people bending to the concept of what is "modern" and such. Then again, most people bend too much into the modern world that they are afraid to make decisions because they see what happened to someone else and became afraid that it will happen to them. Bad things can always happen, but if in 3 years you haven't decided to end your relationship, and you're not moving forward in your relationship then what exactly is your plan with this boyfriend of yours?

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Hey guys! just a quick reply.

Okay so you guys are all asking me why we're not getting married. First of all, I am only 19. only just started uni, still living at home and as much as I really really love my boyfriend I am in no way ready for marriage. :) we have already talked about it a lot and I can see a lot of hesitation on his part but the truth is we're both really young and not ready for this and still have some stuff to resolve. We have both changed a LOT over even the past six months it's unbelievable. Also, if you would've asked me about 4 months ago whether I thought we'd stay together my answer would have been different. We both went through a rough patch. I was just finishing off high school, really stressed and we had a lot of issues up until a point where we had to sit down and seriously talk about whether we'd consider breaking up. I prayed about it. A lot. And God was so amazing. We both went on a week long trip together and it was like night turned into day. Things were going amazingly and I felt completely hopeful. (This was about 4 months ago exactly). And things are still going great! We're now both attending the same uni so we get to see each other a lot more.

As much as the idea of getting married is super romantic I have to remember to not always see it through rose tinted windows. Life would be different. And I think my main drive at the moment to go for it would be the sex, which is the wrong way to go about it.

I know three years is a long time but now that I look back I realize that we've only recently begun discovering each other truly in the last few months. And besides although I think I'd be ready to get engaged I can't just demand an engagement hahah I'm a super romantic so I'd want him to ask me when he's ready and I respect the time he will take :) he's also still quite childish in some ways which doesn't bother me now but I think he still needs some time before he's ready for something like this.

Concerning my friends I actually don't hang ou with that many people at the moment since I only got into uni so most of my friends don't know anything about me WTM and I've got some great people from church who are all in the same boat as me! :)

Oh and I'm swiss/american but live in germany ^^

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Very wise; don't get married too young.  Dragging things out while one is in their 30's is probably a bad thing, but knowing how to prioritize your goals in life as a young adult might require waiting.  Don't worry, being self-aware like this is something that some folks only wished they had, but do not.  You are lucky to have clear goals and a boyfriend who can recognize that.  Rediscovering each other as adults rather than as teenagers is worth experiencing...

 

While marrying for sex isn't a bad thing, it is wise that you recognize that it isn't the ONLY thing.  It turns out, all the experienced couples in my life I maintain great friendships with have a way of putting it.  I have read elsewhere on the site a blog that outlines it they way they do in a very clear way, so I will recite it:

 

Sex is like the icing on the cake of marriage.  If the relationship is bad, then the sex will be bad.  If the relationship is good, then the sex will be good.  Also, the bad or neglected sex can wear the relationship and the good sex can enhance the relationship.  Good frosting is enjoyed best with good cake.  Marriage is about the whole cake.  But it's important to remember that the icing is the sweetest part of it...

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This really hit me hard because it is so similar to what I have been going through. I met a girl that I fell in love with pretty quickly when I was 20. By the time I was 21 I knew I wanted to marry her, but I had no money for a ring, wedding, house, or paying back student loans. I'm 24 now and we finally got engaged earlier this year with the wedding coming late next year. I have felt and am still feeling everything that you talked about. I get tired of awkward situations where it comes up. I get tired of knowing I love this woman and knowing I would have married her 3 years ago if I could have. I get jealous and I think horrible things. It has been extremely difficult and I worry sometimes that it won't be worth it. Ultimately though I know that God took me down this path for a reason. I know that even though I can't see it now, one day I will look back on this as one of the best things I ever did. I think it will make our marriage stronger, it will make it more intimate, and I think that I will be stronger for having waited. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that you should be proud of yourself for waiting even when it has been extremely difficult. Stay strong and I'll be praying for you!

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