Lexia322

5 types of men women think they can save but can't.

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list from a book I recently read.

5 types of men women think they can save but can't in the end:

1)the man with a violent temper (domestic violence ahead)

2)the alcoholic in denial

3)the cheater

4)the gambler

5)the careless spender

author says these men cannot be redeemed in the end. what do you all think? I think he's on point with 1,2, and 3.

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You shouldn't want to nor have to change anyone in general. First off, you can't change someone, they can only change themselves. Second of all, wanting to change someone implies you don't love them as they are. You love them for who you want them become.

 

In relationships, women are supposed to be a wife or a girlfriend to a man, not be his mother. And really, all those on the list apply to women too. If anyone, man or woman, encounter any of those on the list, just run away and don't look back.

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yeah i agree people don't change unless they want to.

basically author was saying how women in general are always trying to be nurturing and thinking they can save men with issues like the above. and that women are more likely to stay in abusive relationships than men. giving these men more chances than they really deserve.

I guess it's that maternal instinct working against them. I dunno.

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Based on what I've seen, a lot of women like the criminal "bad boy" types. While not mentioned on that list, if they do seek out a "bad boy" and try to change him, she would no longer be attracted to him, because he is no longer the "bad boy" that she was interested in. If she succeeds in changing him, she will probably leave him. If she doesn't succeed in changing him, he will make her miserable, because while she's attracted to him, he will never be any good for her.

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Based on what I've seen, a lot of women like the criminal "bad boy" types. While not mentioned on that list, if they do seek out a "bad boy" and try to change him, she would no longer be attracted to him, because he is no longer the "bad boy" that she was interested in. If she succeeds in changing him, she will probably leave him. If she doesn't succeed in changing him, he will make her miserable, because while she's attracted to him, he will never be any good for her.

bad boys = dudes with issues/some type of past trauma (in most cases)cuz people don't just turn bad for no reason usually. something triggered that.

i feel like these women that choose to get involved with and stay with difficult men despite having better options (not the ones that stay due to financial reasons, fear of independence etc etc that's another matter for another day)

they want to feel needed by someone. i think that's how these women extract/reaffirm their self-worth. so they are drawn to men with issues. men that need their help.

my best friend stayed with an emotionally abusive guy for nearly 4 years believing she could "rescue" him.

I get that when in love, one can't always think or behave in a rational way (love isn't rational) but I felt like she was forcefully making up all these delusions in her head about the guy and his "potential" (which I didn't see much of but I was only observing the situation as a third party so maybe she saw something different i dunno).

but she would always cry and tell me things like, "You don't understand...He needs me..."

it didn't matter to her that the dude really wasn't making that much of an effort (just empty promises).

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i can understand wanting to feel needed by someone and wanting to be of service to someone but all this abusive crap I'm not down with that.

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I totally agree with the author here. I think these are the issues one should sort out before heading into a relationship. Otherwise it will be a drama filled relationship. It's selfish on both parties involved in relationships like these. These men or women with the issues shouldn't be sitting around and wait for a future S/O to come in and help them solve their issues for them. It's almost like testing a future partner's love and patience.  

Meanwhile women or men who are drawn to people with issues are also a bit iffy- it's like a part of them wants to feel like a hero after they rescue someone. It's almost like they need that sort of validation.

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I totally agree with the author here. I think these are the issues one should sort out before heading into a relationship. Otherwise it will be a drama filled relationship. It's selfish on both parties involved in relationships like these. These men or women with the issues shouldn't be sitting around and wait for a future S/O to come in and help them solve their issues for them. It's almost like testing a future partner's love and patience.  

Meanwhile women or men who are drawn to people with issues are also a bit iffy- it's like a part of them wants to feel like a hero after they rescue someone. It's almost like they need that sort of validation.

I've also seen the type of relationships where both parties involved are messed up and they feed off of each other's drama and negativity resulting in more confusion. it just creates an unhealthy codependency type situation where there isn't much progress being made (to get better).

and the people that wanna save them, they actually got a name for that. "hero complex, hero syndrome". it's a psychological condition.

http://www.academia.edu/9661026/Psychology-The_Hero_Complex

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I think that if you need to change someone you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place lol.

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You can help a man to change, but you absolutely cannot change him.  That's his job.  And only he can do it. 

 

 

I think people are hinting at the question "why do women try to change men".  So I will answer.  Many women aren't looking at the problem.  They are seeing a man whom they love, and they see his potential.  As a woman, a helper, we like to help and support a man in his dreams.  And many of these men (with problems) are pretty good at making empty promises.  "One day, I am going to enroll in college!"  The woman will support him in his goals.  But the woman will eventually realize that he was just blowing smoke.. But it might take her awhile to come to this conclusion. 

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