Guest ragtagandbobtail

Why do you want/not want children?

17 posts in this topic

Okay everyone,

As waiters, I want to ask you about children. I'm sure some of you know I prefer to be child free, and I do have MANY reasons for this choice. I know all of you will have children inside wedlock, obviously ;).

 

I ask you:

Why do you want children?

Or why do you not want children?

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In all honesty, babies scare me.... and not in the natural 'oh, that's normal, every girl has that fear' kind of way. I mean I worry about if they are breathing, if that little jerk that just happened is going to hurt them, will they roll over in their sleep and suffer from SIDS/SUDS? Yes, the list goes on. I work on it, I mean, I've gotten a little use to them since having started to help raise my nephews (since birth), but ever since I was there for my nieces birth I have realized I'd prefer not to have a child naturally. I also have no desire to be pregnant, or go through any of that physical stuff. Not because of my body, I just don't have the desire. I'd be happy with just raising my nephew... HOWEVER, and this is HUGE in my book. If my future husband would be open to adopting, I'm totally up for adopting a slightly older child. One, they don't scare me as much as babies, and two, there are SO MANY older children who need love and a good home but, because of their age people just don't want them. People WANT BABIES. Another HUGE point I'd like to state is that if God decides to over-ride all of the precautions I'm hoping to take (and will be discussed before I even think about marriage and here what he has to say) then I'll endure childbirth, and love that kid as though I've always wanted it all. At that point I'll figure it's Gods will. However, I'm already suffering from some signs of 'The Change' and the women in my family often go through it very early... So, maybe He's just having me wait for that time to come, then I'll meet the man I'm going to marry. :) Who knows, maybe the plan is that I'm just a spinster aunt forever. :)

 

I don't think I articulated myself very well on this one. I'm never quite sure how to express myself with this topic.

 

Edit: I also have suffer from seizures, and it scares me to hold babies. I don't lose time with them. I'm aware that it's happening. The doctors are trying to figure out what it is... finally... but I won't even drive because of it. So, that plays into it as well. IRH mentioned health issues, that reminded me of this. I know I should have remembered something like that, but my meds affect my memory in a BAD way, and since I'm so use to the seizures, I rarely think about them.

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It's not that I don't want to have children, but I have medical issues that can be passed on to them and I just don't see that as okay. I don' want them to suffer as I have, so I'll probably adopt. But at the same time, is it okay to adopt a child knowing that my medical issues may take me away from them for weeks or months at a time? Or permanently? I'm really struggling with this question because I know that I was born to be a mother... But I won't subject a child to medical issues/life with an absentee or passed on mother.

I wish I could give you advice, but I don't really know what to say. That is a really tough thing to have to decide. I'm sorry you have health issues at all. Let alone since you feel a desire to be a mom. I hope it works out. God has a plan for everything. (I mean, I believe in God, so I believe He has a reason. I'm not trying to offend you, if you don't believe.)

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IRH, I'm going to PM you so that this thread doesn't change topics. :)

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It's not that I don't want to have children, but I have medical issues that can be passed on to them and I just don't see that as okay. I don' want them to suffer as I have, so I'll probably adopt. But at the same time, is it okay to adopt a child knowing that my medical issues may take me away from them for weeks or months at a time? Or permanently? I'm really struggling with this question because I know that I was born to be a mother... But I won't subject a child to medical issues/life with an absentee or passed on mother.

 

Oh I wish I could hug you! I can't say that I understand the medical issues part, but I do understand about being born to be a mother. That's how I have always felt. My first word was "baby". When I was about one year old my mother found me in the kitchen, cradling a milk bottle and soothing it while saying "baby baby baby" - it had a picture of a baby on it, which was probably why :P Even as a 5-6 year old I would imagine my future family, make up names and personalities for my children, and so on. I would be devastated if I found out I couldn't conceive (while I'm open to adoption, pregnancy and giving birth are still very important to me).

 

IRH, the best I can say is that if you were born to be a mother, and you do choose to adopt, your child(ren) will feel it. They will know that you love them so much despite not always being there for them. No parent is perfect. Of course, I don't know the nature or extent of your medical issues so I can't really judge, and ultimately the choice is up to you. But that's how I feel about it.

 

Anyway, to get back to the original question - as I explained above, it's not so much that I "want" to have children but that it's something I've always felt, deep inside me, that I needed to experience in this lifetime. Just like I've always been a writer, an artist and a lover of nature, I've always been a mother.

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They're a burden, they take up time, energy, money. You have to have a ton of patience and make sacrifices. All things I'm not willing to do. I would make a horrible mother. My career and myself would always be a priority. I love kids. They're better to deal with than adults. I love taking care of others people's kids because I give them back. I also help tutor and mentor foster kids but I don't want to raise one. I'm too selfish and self entitled. I would rather live a child free life.

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I feel like I'm too imperfect to raise a child, more so than the average person. I would feel so stressed out about raising them right that I wouldn't feel any joy while doing it, if that makes any sense.

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I'm on the same page as Crystal: it's just something I've always innately felt a strong need to do. For me it started with knowing that I wanted to experience pregnancy and breastfeeding. I knew I 'needed' to have those experiences, but wasn't quite sure I was up for the lifelong long-haul of actually raising kids! However, during my late teens/early 20s, kids stopped seeming quite so gross/annoying/scary, and I began to feel the same need to *raise* the kids as well.  :D

 

It's not that I don't want to have children, but I have medical issues that can be passed on to them and I just don't see that as okay. I don' want them to suffer as I have, so I'll probably adopt. But at the same time, is it okay to adopt a child knowing that my medical issues may take me away from them for weeks or months at a time? Or permanently? I'm really struggling with this question because I know that I was born to be a mother... But I won't subject a child to medical issues/life with an absentee or passed on mother.

 

I don't know exactly what your medical issues are, so this might not be a very apt comparison, but maybe it could provide a bit of insight. My mother had breast cancer at age 35, and was given a 50/50 chance of living 5 years. I was born when she was 39, and the cancer came back when I was 3. Luckily, she pulled through a second time, and is still alive today. But I've always been very aware that: 1, the cancer might come back again, and, 2, I also have a very strong likelihood of developing cancer at a young age, due to her history.

 

I'm not going to lie, it was really rough on me as a kid when she was in the hospital getting chemo treatments and surgery, or couldn't play with me due to feeling too ill. But with that said, any amount of time with her as my mother would have been far preferable to having any other woman as my mom. And I'd much rather be alive now and die of cancer at 30, then to have never been alive at all. Like I said, though, I have no idea exactly what your medical troubles are, so this might not apply to you at all.

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Thank you.

This is a bit of a touchy subject for me and why I get so mad when people (whether in real life or on these forums) state that birth control is flat out wrong! Using birth control isn't in and of itself selfish (as many claim) Sometimes Ithink that for me to purposefully reproduce would be selfish.

 

I don't believe birth control is wrong. I sympathise with your struggle and hope you figure something out that you can follow satisfied and morally. I don't know how severe your health issue is but generally speaking I think it is very selfless and brave of a person to not reproduce because of health issues. In this way I tend to support peoples descision of a soft form of eugenics (I know it gets an ugly rap for obvious reasons). Would I push it on a couple? Never. If they do decide to reproduce are the offspring any less valuable as human beings? No! Sometimes I think humans lack the 'breeding' sense that we apply to animals (bad example I know!). Proper breeders won't use stock without the right hereditary qualities/tendencies and there are even legal sanctions around such things. Unless you believe that as a species humans will/are getting instrinsically healthier and healthier as the generations progress regardless of the genetic heritage...That and the world being overpopulated as it is there is no desperate need for reproduction....

 

As far as the OP is concerned. I used to have a largely unchallenged assumption that I and my partner would have kids of our own. Now I'm leaning towards say 1 of our own and the rest (at least 1) adopted or permanent foster care. I would like some kids in our lives even if they aren't mine biologically. Reasons: overpopulation, plenty of babies & kids needing a loving home, no moral value against birth control (vasectomy here I come!), belief in the general decline of society.....

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I do not want to be responsible for putting a life in a world that is falling apart, what if my child wants to be a waiter? if its this hard for me(sex is everywhere you look now) imagine how hard it would be for him/her 20 years in the future, what if the world has wars for water? what if the world lets its environment collapse from pollution like it does allready? what if riots start breaking out everywhere because people are finally realizing they have little freedom?

 

 

i watch too much vice documentaries....hearing about kids living in sewers and being lit on fire, hearing about north koreas labor camps,hearing about iraq,isis,etc,watching russians in ukraine,hearing about how the children in liberia are taught to eat the hearts of there enemies by ''generals'' , reading about the worlds scariest drug in columbia , Scopolamine that takes away your free will.

 

i could go on and on and on....why would i bring a life into this world?

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I love babies! I want to get married to start a family. Even if for whatever reason, my husband and I couldn't have kids, then I'd want to adopt. I might consider adopting some kids anyway, if I can...

 

I do not want to be responsible for putting a life in a world that is falling apart, what if my child wants to be a waiter? if its this hard for me(sex is everywhere you look now) imagine how hard it would be for him/her 20 years in the future, what if the world has wars for water? what if the world lets its environment collapse from pollution like it does allready? what if riots start breaking out everywhere because people are finally realizing they have little freedom?

 

 

i watch too much vice documentaries....hearing about kids living in sewers and being lit on fire, hearing about north koreas labor camps,hearing about iraq,isis,etc,watching russians in ukraine,hearing about how the children in liberia are taught to eat the hearts of there enemies by ''generals'' , reading about the worlds scariest drug in columbia , Scopolamine that takes away your free will.

 

i could go on and on and on....why would i bring a life into this world?

 

If you'd lived a hundred years ago in the early 20th century, you could have made the same argument. Why bring a child into a world that was being torn apart by world war? Then again, if you'd lived in the 19th century, why bring a child into a world full of slavery and war? Or the 18th century, why bring a child into a world full of famine, violent uprising and war (because, let's be honest here - there's always war)? Or the 17th century, at the time of the General Crisis? Or the 16th century, when the Reformation was happening and religious people on both sides were being persecuted and killed? Or the 15th century, with the Spanish Inquisition? Or the 14th century, where it looked like the plague might wipe out the whole of Europe?

 

Go back even further in history, and you'll always see the same thing: war, disease, persecution, crises of every sort. There's always some good reason not to have children so as not to expose them to the world.

 

But then, you also have Martin Luther King Jr, Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Florence Nightingale, Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare, Thomas Aquinas, Leonardo da Vinci, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. You have literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people you could add to this list.

 

The way I see it, you can look at all the horrific things that happen in the world and just give up on your child having a good life, or you can look at those things and say, "My child is going to make a difference." There's always hope.

 

xxx

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I love babies! I want to get married to start a family. Even if for whatever reason, my husband and I couldn't have kids, then I'd want to adopt. I might consider adopting some kids anyway, if I can...

 

 

If you'd lived a hundred years ago in the early 20th century, you could have made the same argument. Why bring a child into a world that was being torn apart by world war? Then again, if you'd lived in the 19th century, why bring a child into a world full of slavery and war? Or the 18th century, why bring a child into a world full of famine, violent uprising and war (because, let's be honest here - there's always war)? Or the 17th century, at the time of the General Crisis? Or the 16th century, when the Reformation was happening and religious people on both sides were being persecuted and killed? Or the 15th century, with the Spanish Inquisition? Or the 14th century, where it looked like the plague might wipe out the whole of Europe?

 

Go back even further in history, and you'll always see the same thing: war, disease, persecution, crises of every sort. There's always some good reason not to have children so as not to expose them to the world.

 

But then, you also have Martin Luther King Jr, Albert Einstein, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Florence Nightingale, Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare, Thomas Aquinas, Leonardo da Vinci, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien. You have literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people you could add to this list.

 

The way I see it, you can look at all the horrific things that happen in the world and just give up on your child having a good life, or you can look at those things and say, "My child is going to make a difference." There's always hope.

 

xxx

I totally see what you're saying here in response to not wanting to bring a child into THIS world. Which, in all honesty, I've considered in the past as a good enough reason to not want to have children... that is, before I realized that I DON'T HAVE to WANT to give birth SIMPLY because I'm a woman. However, I will say that if someone is uncomfortable with bringing a life into this world because of those reasons, I still don't think it's wrong to feel that way. It's just the way that person feels. My big question would be this....

 

 

I do not want to be responsible for putting a life in a world that is falling apart, what if my child wants to be a waiter? if its this hard for me(sex is everywhere you look now) imagine how hard it would be for him/her 20 years in the future, what if the world has wars for water? what if the world lets its environment collapse from pollution like it does allready? what if riots start breaking out everywhere because people are finally realizing they have little freedom?

 

 

i watch too much vice documentaries....hearing about kids living in sewers and being lit on fire, hearing about north koreas labor camps,hearing about iraq,isis,etc,watching russians in ukraine,hearing about how the children in liberia are taught to eat the hearts of there enemies by ''generals'' , reading about the worlds scariest drug in columbia , Scopolamine that takes away your free will.

 

i could go on and on and on....why would i bring a life into this world?

If you don't want to bring another life into the world we live in... is it just that you don't want children? Or, would you consider adopting a child that is already here and in need of a good home that is full of love? I'm just asking... not criticising.

...

 

NOW... I'm not saying anyone here is wrong, just asking a question. We all have our reasons.

 

I, personally, don't care if anyone (but my future husband, should God see fit for me to marry) sees my point of view. In the end, how we feel about having (or not having kids), or any alternative, is between only you, your spouse, and God (if you believe...I do. So there will be only 3 opinions that matter for me). As I've stated, I like the idea of adoption. I don't have any desire to be pregnant or go through childbirth. Adopting a slightly older child, because they are the ones who have the hardest time finding a loving home (let alone just a home), seems like a wonderful way to live life, give love, honor God, honor my husband, and make the world a better place. Everyone wants babies, rarely do people choose the older kids. I'd also consider fostering.

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I want children because I want to experience the joy of loving and adoring them, and seeing myself (and my future husband) in their faces. 

 

I can agree with people who say that children cramp your style, take up all your time and money....but I also think that some people find purpose and true happiness in parenthood

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I most certainly want to have children! I always felt that having kids was one of the perks of being married. My mom always says that our greatest legacy is our children. I'm sorry that some of you may not be able to have children. Maybe in time circumstances or attitudes will change.

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I absolutely want kids. I've wanted to be a dad since I was about 12. I think the main reason is that the best times I've had in my life have been when I have spent time with my family doing activities and bonding. I want to have a family of my own where we can have a movie night, and a family dinner, go to festivals, play games together and I can teach my kids about the things I love. I think it is awesome to have a close family where you have so many memories together and I think watching my children grow up will be such a blessing and a joy. I don't think I could handle more than 3 kids though and I definitely don't want kids until I'm older and more established. I know I couldn't handle kids anytime soon and as much as I want to be a dad in the future, I also want to enjoy the next 6 or 7 years before i have kids just spending time with my future wife because I also know having kids means a lot less time alone.

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I haven't always wanted children, and I definitely do not NOW, but 10 or 15 years in the future, I do want to have three or four. My dream is to have a wonderful loving family, to give them the exact opposite of what I had at times growing up.

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