bethreny

Howdy

9 posts in this topic

Hey everybody,

I can't believe I never thought to look for a place like this before...

I'll try to keep this short. My name is Beth, I am 27 years old, a Christian, and I have never kissed anyone, by choice. Not saying that I would never kiss before marriage, but honestly, now that I am at this point, I am concerned that I might not stop at just kissing…if you know what I mean.

*(I edited out the details, don't really need it up on here anymore)*

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Welcome to the site Beth!

Well, I'm not allowed to date coworkers, family members can't even work together. So when I did form a crush I had to keep it to myself. I've never had to opportunity to put myself in that kind of situation.

I think telling him you like him but are not interested in dating him is like dangling a piece of meat in front of a lion's face and then taking the meat away. If you are not planning on dating him, I would not tell him that you like him. Now the virginity is hard to bring up, if the opportunity arises you could tell him. But also mention the waiting till marriage to, so that he doesn't assume he should try harder to get you.

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Welcome to the site Beth!

Well, I'm not allowed to date coworkers, family members can't even work together. So when I did form a crush I had to keep it to myself. I've never had to opportunity to put myself in that kind of situation.

I think telling him you like him but are not interested in dating him is like dangling a piece of meat in front of a lion's face and then taking the meat away. If you are not planning on dating him, I would not tell him that you like him. Now the virginity is hard to bring up, if the opportunity arises you could tell him. But also mention the waiting till marriage to, so that he doesn't assume he should try harder to get you.

 

Thanks for the reply!

Yes, you are right on with the lion metaphor. And me too, I always keep crushes to myself. The only person I ever tell is my sister, and that's only when I feel like i have to say something or I'll explode. It's only happened to me twice, this time included.  

 

A little more info: A few months ago, he kind of asked me out, in the round-about way that men do when they are unsure, and I told him that when I started I was told that I was not allowed to date any co-workers (it's not a rule to not date anyone per se, it was more my uncle said he didn't think any of the guys at the time were good enough for me, though I am sure he would still feel that way. It hasn't been a problem for me up to this point anyhow!) So it was left at that. I guess I just feel like it will come up again soon, as I did not say that I didn't like him because, well, I can't lie about it. Telling him that I like him straight up is probably not the best idea..

But I feel like either way, I am dangling a piece of meat in front of him. Because I'm still here, and I'm pretty great :-P

Boo-urns. 

 

Anyways, thanks for the input, I really appreciate it!

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Hey, Beth, welcome to the community! You're situation is actually quite common among us who have made the decision to wait until our wedding nights to have sex. Our reasons for waiting are quite varied -- some of us choose to wait for religious reasons, others because of personal values, others out of respect and love for our future spouse, and often for a combination of these and others reasons. But in the end, we all at some point experience situations similar to the one you find yourself in now. I'll elaborate from my own experiences:

 

There have been many times (and there will be many more, I am sure), when I have met a young woman whom I liked for one reason or another (sometimes several reasons), and on many occasions, this "liking" has grown into a hopeful crush, of sorts. When feelings get to that level, physical attraction (and the temptations there following) are sure to arise. Sexual temptations are all around, though, even outside of a personal crush, and it would not be difficult to put myself in a situation that could make it harder to resist. But at the times when I feel the most tempted to "give up", I have to constantly train myself to remember why I am waiting -- for me, it's a combination of religion, long-held values, and the desire to one day be able to tell my wife that I was strong enough to wait for her, and therefore I am strong enough to stay with her and her only.

 

Because of the reasons I am waiting and the underlying personal convictions, I always have to ask myself a few things when I start liking someone. Does she share my faith? If not, could she some day? Does she share my values? She's pretty and she has a nice personality, but is that blinding me to whether or not this feeling is not just another crush? Is my attraction purely superficial? And finally, will she respect and support my decision to wait, and will she wait for me?

 

The point of these questions is not to discourage a relationship with someone I like, but more to help me keep my eyes open when pursuing one. It's the same thing I went through when I decided to wait. Was this what I really wanted? The answer was yes. Then the question became, was as a relationship with this girl one that would help me realize that prior decision? Thus far, the answer has been no more often than not.

 

I apologize for rambling, haha. I will leave it up to you if this helps at all. This is just what I struggle with, and it's similar to what a lot of others like me struggle with. It's also why I joined this community -- for support when temptation is at its greatest.

 

As far as telling this friend of yours that you like him but don't want to date him for your stated reasons, I don't think that's a good idea. If you really want to begin that relationship when all said and done, then it seems like a chat with you dad might be in order (sometimes dads can give good advice, even though I rarely listen to mine haha). If not, then I would keep my feelings to myself until they subsided.

 

Waiting is not an easy thing to do, but it's what I want to do. And every time I think "I've fought long enough, I should just give up and be like everyone else," I find a good friend to tell me: "What if tomorrow is the day you meet your wife?" So every time I wait one more day, and then I realize .... I just survived another temptation. Boy that is a good feeling!

 

Anyway, you pose a great question! I hope my ramblings offer some insight.

 

Again, welcome, Beth! :) Glad to have you!

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Thanks, Zeke21!

 

Yes, my biggest reason for staying a virgin is my commitment to God, and I realize that a relationship with this guy would not be a good idea, so I know I'm not going to do it...however much I might want to at the moment. Which will pass. Soon. Hopefully. Just needed some sense knocked into me, you guys are doing a great job! Ramblings are the best. Almost all of my friends are either not waiting, or were married long before they got to my age, and I usually just get the look of pity (from the married ones at least!). I don't need pity right now, I need a kick in the pants. 

 

You are also right, telling him is a bad idea. I can't believe I even considered it. Haha I don't think it will come to a conversation with my dad (who I pretty much always listen to. He's usually right). Oh the drama! Not that my dad is dramatic at all, but there are so many good reasons why I don't date guys at work. Usually when we go to work at different sites, there is some single guy or other who all my buddies seem to think has a crush on me, and I get vey irritated. I am a very private, cautious person, I can't even imagine. All my uncles, cousins, and coworkers up in my business. Incentive enough not to even contemplate it!

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hi beth,

welcome to this site.... !!

read about wat u said... !!  im in not position to advise or give any guidance as im not in in your shoes but i can do relate to what u say...  but a few words of caution which may help you based on my observations in various circumstances happening in real life.

1) never date a co-worker ...cos it will end up being messy and u being feeling very uncomfortable resulting in hurting a few in this process.  

2) give time for contemplation and think ahead wat it would result in.... for eg.. willl u make ur dad or uncle proud or will u disappoint them in the process of dating your crush.  

3) will this crush of yours be with u for life.... as time can change circumstances. people fall for crushes like a dream but once the dream is over, you realise or get confused if u hv fallen into some pit or are u over a mountain.

4) check your state of mind if u are mature to get into any relationship.

5) have a perfect balance between your emotional level and your intellect... dont let your emotions overtake your intellect.

 

it isnt easy to follow this.... we are all victims of circumstances.  i could be talking big today but tommorrow i could be in the same situation as yours and i wish i would hv somebody like me to grace me with guidance.

 

Girl, the decision is yours, as the saying goes.:

courage girl do no stumble, though thy path be dark as night

there a light to guide the humble, trust in God and do the right.

 

All the best for everything which comes your way.... stay blessed always....!!

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Hey Beth, welcome to the site. I'm glad to see there are still virgins close to my age. You give me hope.

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Rollingend: 

Thanks for the advice, very well put! I know this will pass, just having trouble seeing it at the moment.

 

Natureboy:

Thanks for the welcome!

I think there are quite a few people our age, they're just hiding somewhere. Recently out of, I don't know, either desperation or hoping to alleviate the concerns of my family, I signed up to a Christian dating site. There are actually quite a few people on there who are still virgins, or at least claiming to be waiting until marriage. So I thought of all the people that wouldn't, or have not signed up for those sites, and it seems like more than I would have originally thought.

 

Personally, I am not too concerned if the man I marry is not a virgin. I'm not trying to be flippant about it, but there are so many circumstances that bring someone to where they are, I have met some great people who did not become Christians and/or change their view on sex until they were much older, and I think they would be great catches. I guess I have so much criteria as it is, the current state of their heart and mind is most important to me!

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