AllishaG

Never said yes to the right guy

11 posts in this topic

This is actually part of a song that I love and that's been stuck in my head for the past few weeks: Heart Attack. It's something I really feel I can relate to, and especially this specific line. Basically about always falling for the wrong guys, guys who you know aren't good for you, and yet still being drawn to them for various reasons.

 

And now it's happening again, with a guy who, to put it simply, can be a complete *** and jerk. I didn't realize it when I first met him, but as I've gotten to know him over the last year and had several classes with him, I discovered his true personality. And it seemed like he directed a lot of his mean jokes towards me, but at the same time I never felt like he disliked me or was trying to hurt my feelings, so usually I'd just be snarky back at him. Anyways, I ended up completely losing any feelings I had for him, just because his personality really bothered me.

 

But now over this last summer they started to come back again. Which might've been fine in and of themselves, but I have a huge dilemma now. He's started texting me and messaging me recently, and he's been really nice to me. Even saying things that I'd never expect to hear from him, like calling practically everything I say or do "cute". It's just, not like him at all. He ended up inviting me to go out to the lake with him, which I told him I couldn't because he lived too far away. But we have plans to go after I move back on campus right before school starts up again.

 

I have a lot going through my mind now, and a lot of questions. I'm worried maybe he doesn't have the best intentions, but at the same time with his change in attitude I really want to give him a chance.

 

I just need some input here...

Girls: would you ever give a guy like this a second chance? At least if he seemed to have matured and changed a little?

 

Guys: Does it seem like he might like me? Maybe he's the type of guy who starts out mean with the girls he likes? haha

 

Do you believe that a person can truly change their ways?? Or that someone else can change them if they truly care about that person and are given time to mature?

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Just for the record when i saw the tittle of this topic,i started to sing heart attack while reading it.....

After its my opinion but i dont think people can really change or well at least not just in months, but there are always exceptions....also i dont think you should try to change people because it never works out like the saying goes "you cant turn a hoe into an housewife" well i think you can apply it to a lot of cases...however while i was reading your post i thought that the guy might like you and be mean just to have your attention....

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I believe that people can change.

 

I don't believe that people change overnight.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't give him a second chance, but remain cautious.

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Apparently, this is a song, but since it's also the title of your thread, it would seem that you've thought about it. Just out of curiosity, though, is it true that you haven't said yes to the right guy(s)? If so, why not give the right guys a chance? (I realize you're probably just using hyperbole, but I thought it might be worth asking).

 

Anyway, he's asking you do to things, so yes, he likes you in my opinion. Sure, people can change, although it's hard to tell what he was doing to begin with. There's nothing wrong with teasing or even "being mean" if the meanness is actually just being flirtatious and not meant to belittle and humiliate someone, particularly in front of others. Only you would know the difference in this case.  I guess I would need some examples to understand the situation better.

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I think the important thing is that you said you didn't think his jokes were intended to hurt anyone's feelings, but rather that he accidentally went too far in playful friend-type teasing. I knew many guys in high school who could be that way, but were actually really nice and sweet guys once they matured and learned they didn't have to hide behind that persona. If he really seems to have changed (especially if it's been months/years since the worst of the snarky phase), I'd be willing to give someone like that a second chance. I would also recommend being cautious, though.

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It is suspiscious he wants to invite you to some lake, I suppose it's some isolated area.

From what you describe him I can conclude he is a jerk.

 

If he is like that, you are by far more worth than that.

 

My thoughts? Boys never change, especially if he is a jerk like that.

Boys always become a slave of a girl they like by putting on their 'nice guy' cloak.

They are persistent, constantly texting and stalking until the girl gives a definitive answer.

Don't ever fall for that.

 

Answer to your question: Nope he doesn't like you. This is my opinion and not a fact.

 

My advice? Use your brain.

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Just out of curiosity, though, is it true that you haven't said yes to the right guy(s)? If so, why not give the right guys a chance?

 

I really do feel like I don't say yes to the right guys most of the time. It's always the bad boys, or the players, or the guys who are already in relationships. And I have bad luck with taken guys hitting on me. I'm very supportive when it comes to others' relationships, even if I do happen to have a crush on someone in relationship, but it makes it difficult when you want to keep a friendship with someone who is very flirty and very out there with you.

 

I'm smart when it comes to knowing when it's time to cut off ties with the wrong people most of the time, but at the same time not smart enough to stop myself from getting involved with them in the first place. It's like I'm okay with having fun with people before anything is exclusive, but in the end if I know that I couldn't take a relationship with them seriously, that's when I have to put a stop to things.

 

As far as the nice guys are concerned, it's not like I've never had interest in them, but more so that it doesn't usually last very long for me. :( There was a guy who I was attracted to, very respectful, and we had a lot in common, that I went on a date with once. He wanted to go out again but I just didn't care to pursue it after that. I kind of regret not at least giving it a chance now because I know he was a great guy and most likely would have also been happy with the idea of waiting, but there was just something that was missing. On the other hand, there was also another nice guy I was seeing for a little bit my freshman year in college, and who I really liked, but he ended up saying he just wanted to be friends even after we had been seeing each other for awhile. :/

 

So yeah, most people I find myself interested in, I wouldn't want a relationship with for one reason or another. They usually either fall close to one of two extremes: either I realize that they have bad attitudes/personalities/mindsets that I wouldn't want to be with, or they just aren't able to hold onto my attention. And the one nice guy who I was legitimately interested in and wanted a relationship with, was the one to break things off (although there were some signs that he might have been somewhat of a player too, but was just more passive about it haha).

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I really do feel like I don't say yes to the right guys most of the time. It's always the bad boys, or the players, or the guys who are already in relationships. And I have bad luck with taken guys hitting on me. I'm very supportive when it comes to others' relationships, even if I do happen to have a crush on someone in relationship, but it makes it difficult when you want to keep a friendship with someone who is very flirty and very out there with you.

 

I'm smart when it comes to knowing when it's time to cut off ties with the wrong people most of the time, but at the same time not smart enough to stop myself from getting involved with them in the first place. It's like I'm okay with having fun with people before anything is exclusive, but in the end if I know that I couldn't take a relationship with them seriously, that's when I have to put a stop to things.

 

As far as the nice guys are concerned, it's not like I've never had interest in them, but more so that it doesn't usually last very long for me. :( There was a guy who I was attracted to, very respectful, and we had a lot in common, that I went on a date with once. He wanted to go out again but I just didn't care to pursue it after that. I kind of regret not at least giving it a chance now because I know he was a great guy and most likely would have also been happy with the idea of waiting, but there was just something that was missing. On the other hand, there was also another nice guy I was seeing for a little bit my freshman year in college, and who I really liked, but he ended up saying he just wanted to be friends even after we had been seeing each other for awhile. :/

 

So yeah, most people I find myself interested in, I wouldn't want a relationship with for one reason or another. They usually either fall close to one of two extremes: either I realize that they have bad attitudes/personalities/mindsets that I wouldn't want to be with, or they just aren't able to hold onto my attention. And the one nice guy who I was legitimately interested in and wanted a relationship with, was the one to break things off (although there were some signs that he might have been somewhat of a player too, but was just more passive about it haha).

 

Thanks for the detailed and candid answer. The biggest problem I see with what you've described is that being attracted to the so-called "bad boys" isn't likely to be very conducive to waiting until marriage, as you probably already know. As the word implies, "players" are only out for one thing. I would even consider that perhaps the guy who broke things off with you did so because he realized his options were limited in terms of how far he would get with you physically, as you mentioned that there were signs he was a player.

 

However, he may have done you a favor, as many temptations lie ahead, and a person can only hold out for so long when opportunity, motive, and rationalization all come together. (If you've taken auditing in your accounting classes, you're probably already familiar with these terms). If you're with a player, there's your opportunity to do something you might regret. If you're attracted to players, there's your motive. If you find yourself overwhelmed with the idea of waiting so many more years, then you might find yourself rationalizing not waiting.

 

I would encourage you to realize that the whole bad boy persona is somewhat of an illusion. Instead of thinking of it as bad boys vs nice guys, I would suggest thinking of it in terms of bad guys vs good guys. The word change is subtle but important. Some people might want to be a bad boy, but very few want to be thought of as a bad guy. It has a completely different connotation. Likewise, very few guys want to be labeled as a nice guy, but I think that instead, all should strive to be a good guy. You can tell the difference between a bad guy and a good guy simply by figuring out if he's going to be bad for you or good for you. 

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I agree with Johnny about thinking of it as a matter of good guys vs. bad guys.  Have you ever spoken to a counselor or mentor about why you have an attraction to men you feel are "bad boys?"

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First of all, I'm not advising you to go for him. Dating him could very well be a mistake, though likely not a terrible one; it sounds like you know how to end relationships if they are not going well, so I do not think going out with him would probably be a disaster, as you could simply say goodbye if his behavior was not satisfactory.

 

So yes, I am not fully advising you to date him, but to speak to your question regarding his apparent personality change, I would just like to note my observation that some guys have a snarky exterior that is just a facade, a front they put up as a defense mechanism, because life has taught them to expect rejection and to guard themselves, yet, when they get to know and trust you better, they start letting down those walls and showing you their sweeter, softer side. This is not so much a personality change, but more a revelation of the true personality as a guy trusts you enough to be vulnerable with you.

 

But please note, not all guys are like this! For many rude guys, there is no sweet softness within; plenty of guys are jerks through and through. So yeah, I am not saying the guy is truly sweet; it could be an act. Still, I have had the privilege of watching a guy open up and reveal his good heart, which he had been hiding under layers of apathy, humor, and coldness; life had taught him that no one would respond well to kindness, but as he came to see that I truly cared for him, he began to stop putting up all those defenses and just was real with me, and the real him was much sweeter than he seemed when we first met.

 

So yeah, I think that sometimes, these apparent "personality changes" are the result of a change in the relationship, in which a guy does not actually change, but just shows you more about who he truly is. Still, sometimes, a guy could just be pretending to be something he is not to try to win you. There are no easy answers: This could be who he truly is under layers of snarkiness, or this could be him pretending to be a nice guy.

 

This rambling was probably not helpful at all. I really don't know what to tell you. If you have feelings for him, and believe that going to the lake with him would not be a safety risk, I say you might want to take the chance. If he is faking his sweetness, he will only be able to keep it up for so long; pay attention to how he treats other people, like cashiers and waiters. If his softer side is for real, you will continue to see more examples of it as you spend time together. If you date him, take things slow.

 

I can't help but think of how boys often tease girls they like and chase them on the playground. I wonder if he rudeness was his misguided way of trying to get your attention.

 

Gosh, good luck!

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Ah no WW, has discovered the "secret" most of fellas hide.

Its all downhill from here, LoL.

Great advice though, from each of you.

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