l8dyluck81

Worried About Guys Cheating...

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I'm fairly certain that a man who is truly crazy about me will not actually cheat on me, but I have to admit that it has crossed my mind. I've never been in a serious relationship to even get cheated on to begin with, but there are literally so many ways it could happen now, you know?

 

Take Tinder, for example. Say a guy's married and he's traveling for business regularly. What would stop him, if he were of a mind to, from downloading and installing the app, trolling for hookups and then deleting it from his phone before he gets home? It's so easy! So many married or otherwise taken guys frequent porn sites, dating sites, apps etc., that it makes me wonder how on God's green earth am I going to find a guy who is not constantly tempted to avail himself of one of these methods?

 

Ever since my friend announced two years ago that her husband up and left after confessing that he had cheated a couple times (though who knows the real number), I've been wondering about this. I remember when they first got together 15 years ago, they were nuts about each other. No one could have predicted that he'd cheat and then leave her after 10 years of marriage. So now I sometimes wonder, if they couldn't make it, and they were so happy together at first, then what are my chances? I know I'm a different person with a different worldview and experiences than my friend, but it's got me concerned, to say the least. With how easy it has become for guys to find random hookups, how can I ever be sure that the guy I'm with is faithful (both physically and mentally)?

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Cheating can absolutely happen.  It is not up to you to prevent it, because it's not your fault if it were to happen.  It had nothing to do with you at all.  It is entirely a choice to cheat and that is the cheaters choice to make.  Honestly, I think if a person waits all the way to the wedding day to have sex with you, they are MUCH MORE LIKELY to stay faithful long-term.  It's just about reducing the chances.  And people can change, but hopefully it is deep in their own moral code to stay faithful.  Or to at least leave the relationship before they move on with someone else. 

How can you ever be sure?  Don't know...  If you consider regularly viewing porn as some level of unfaithfulness (because you said "physically and mentally"), then that just eliminated the majority of eligible bachelors.  I wish I knew.

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I think as long as you don't fall into the trap of only having sex to get your way, and he's reasonably satisfied, he shouldn't cheat. And if he does, eff him. Plus if you guys are doing it enough, you'll be able to tell, because he won't seem as interested. Then, I'd say, call him out.

A lot of times, I hear women complain that their men cheat, and at some point, they'd stopped having sex with them.

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it's only natural to ponder this fear at some point. Unless you can literally read his mind, you can never 199% guarantee he won't cheat. We could let this fear consume us to the point of insanity wondering every "what if?" scenario. But at some point, you're just going to have to take a leap of faith and find it in yourself to trust him if you have any hope of getting a fulfilling marriage. The only way you can legitimately take that leap of faith is judging his actions, as Stacie eluded. If he is waiting, that is a sure sign that the chances of him cheating are microscopic. Because if he is so dead set on cheating, he probably wouldn't stay with a waiting girl and find some easy girl to bang.

 

You mentioned a scenario of your future husband going on business trips and how easy it is for him to cheat. But let's look at it from his POV. Don't you think he has as much reason to wonder if YOU will cheat on him? I mean while he's away, you have as much opportunity to see other men. I'm not asking because of anything to do with you personally or to suggest that you will cheat. I'm simply pointing out that from his POV, you have the opportunity to do it too. After all, you're only human just like him with flaws and temptations too. I'm sure in your own mind you would never dream of cheating, but how would he know that without reading your mind? He couldn't have proof just like you couldn't have proof about him. Unless of course, you are of the belief that men are inherently more prone to cheating than women are. Unless there is empirical evidence to suggest otherwise, I would like to think both men and women are equally susceptible to cheat.

 

That is why we have trust. It's the willingness to be vulnerable to someone knowing that they may betray you. You have no proof they won't, but all you have to go by is whether his actions matches his words. If they do, there is no reason not to trust him. It goes both ways too. He doesn't have any objective proof you won't cheat on him ever. But if you haven't given him any reason to doubt you, then he should trust you. Just find a guy who will give it his all to love you everyday and who will make you feel like the only woman in the world. Likewise do the same for him. When both people are feeling loved and secure in a marriage, the temptation to cheat wouldn't be an issue.

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See, the thing is, I knew a girl who was a Christian WTM. She had this boyfriend who she was totally in love with and he seemed to feel the same way, but then I found out he would cheat on her regularly. A lot of people at work knew about it, and we all felt bad for her. Here was this sweet, trusting, funny, good girl who seemed so happy with this guy, and there he was cheating on her. But on the other hand, there are plenty of cases where people in relationships are NOT waiting, and they still get cheated on. It almost feels like you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. But as much as it would suck to get cheated on while I'm dating, at least I still will have held part of myself back. I'd feel way worse giving myself to someone only to have them betray me.

 

I also never thought about the possibility of my future husband possibly worrying about me cheating either. That's good food for thought!

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I think you can tell the difference between someone who cheats and someone who doesn't. Someone who drinks or uses drugs a lot is more likely to cheat because their inhibitions are lowered a lot of the time, and when that part of you that stops you from doing stupid things is malfunctioning, then something they wouldn't normally allow themselves to do could happen (even though their willpower and personality still plays a part).

But I think this is something for couples to discuss. If you talk about it, maybe make a point of saying "Would you cheat on me if there were ever problems between us? How would you handle such problems? Would you want to talk them through?" Maybe I'm dumb because I haven't been in a relationship before, but I think that between mature adults, such a conversation shouldn't be a problem. Which is what will.i.am says about making sure you have condoms; mature individuals will have no qualms with talking about such things, especially if they're meant to be in a relationship.

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That is why we have trust. It's the willingness to be vulnerable to someone knowing that they may betray you. You have no proof they won't, but all you have to go by is whether his actions matches his words. If they do, there is no reason not to trust him. It goes both ways too. He doesn't have any objective proof you won't cheat on him ever. But if you haven't given him any reason to doubt you, then he should trust you. Just find a guy who will give it his all to love you everyday and who will make you feel like the only woman in the world. Likewise do the same for him. When both people are feeling loved and secure in a marriage, the temptation to cheat wouldn't be an issue.

 

This, exactly. There's no way you can peek into the future and find out if your boyfriend/husband will cheat on you, or any way you, by your actions, could be 100% sure to prevent it from happening. It all boils down to trust.

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I think the probability to cheat will always be there regardless of the person, but there are multiple factors that come into play when a person cheats. Signs may be subtle or blatantly obvious and the pain will linger for a long time. That being said I don't think it's healthy to always have that possibility in the back of your mind. In all honesty a guy will either cheat or stay faithful long before that situation ever arises. I've had friends who I knew cheated for years on their girlfriends and they were always the type of guy who thought flirting was harmless, and tricked their girlfriends into believing that they were just being dramatic or overly jealous of them talking to other women.

If a man loves you, let alone asks you to marry him, it is because he can't possibly ever see his life without you ever not being a part of it. Now everything that happens after you're married is a different story. I've found that the most successful marriages are one where both spouses are constantly falling in love with one another over and over again. Sex and marriage are two very sacred things to me, but temptation is never a 'good enough' excuse in my eyes for having sex with another person. No one is ever beyond question when it comes to cheating but there are definitely ways to minimize the probability of that ever happening. 

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           Speaking from much experience, and being a somewhat observant person., you don't know who will cheat on you, and you will never know necessarily.  Maybe that seems harsh to say, but I tell the truth, and sometimes the truth is not comforting.  Sometimes people who cheat are those you would least likely suspect, trust me.  Sometimes the people who cheat themselves can be surprised by their own actions.  In fact, I think if someone is going to be in a long-term committed relationship, and/or get married, both people should go in thinking that they are both capable of cheating.  Why?  Because if you think something is so far past / beyond you of ever doing, then that's when you are more susceptible to it happening to you and/or it happening to your significant other!... because then you won't see the signs / small steps of it possibly heading towards an affair.  But, if you acknowledge that cheating happens to even the most decent of humans, then you will consciously be cautious of preventing it from happen in the first place, versus not having to be conscious of it ever possibly happening because you think it is so far below you to begin with anyway.  Hopefully I'm explaining this in a way that makes sense.  There are always temptations, and basically giving your heart to someone is somewhat of a crap shoot in my opinion.  I guess it's just up to you to decide whether someone is worth the risk.  And if you're going to worry based on whether someone would cheat on you or not, then goodness gracious, have fun worrying yourself into a frenzy for the rest of your life.  Because sometimes it's possible for someone to cheat on you and you'll never know it, because they're just that good at hiding it.  Even if you choose to become a detective about it.  You just have to make your best judgment and ask those around you who have your best interest what they think of that person, and that's all you can do really.  Really, what else can you do? 

          As far as the whole waiting till marriage thing, I don't necessarily think that says anything about that person except just that: they wanted to wait until marriage  It doesn't necessarily mean they aren't prone, or will never cheat on you.  Maybe there's a correlation, who knows.  But still, correlation is not causation, and once again you're dealing with a relationship that won't guarantee a cheating-proof foundation.  Even if, and this example is doubtful, but say even if statistically the correlation showed that 99% of those who waited wouldn't cheat, and there was a way of knowing this, you could still end up being the 1% who got cheated on.  Also, what's your definition of cheating?  Just physical, as in your significant other having sex with someone else?  Emotional cheating?  Deliberate flirting/cheating?  I mean, you can't always be and know when your partner is, and that obsessive worry also shows a lack of trust to begin with anyway.  And when someone thinks that you can't trust them, they're probably more apt to make your worry about them cheating a self-fulfilled prophecy of yours that comes true because they think you don't trust them and so they can't win anyway.  Personally, if I were to be in a relationship, (which I'm not so sure about anymore, I find being single to be more worth it and fulfilling in a lot of ways,) I would be with someone who agreed that we each would have each other's passwords to our phones, computers, all our e-mail addresses, etc. because if there is nothing to hide, then it shouldn't matter that we have each other's passwords, you know?  But still, other than that, it's a crap shoot.  I hope my uncomforting words were comforting in that I didn't just say stuff to make you feel better for the sake of it.  :) 

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If you want to prevent cheating... don't go after someone who will cheat. The more people a man has dated and the more relationships he has had in the past the higher his chances of cheating will be.

 

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