Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
waitingforhim

Waiting with Waiter - Need Advice

2 posts in this topic

I have been in a relationship with a non-religious 32 year male virgin waiting till marriage. I myself am not a virgin, am 29 years old, but have been waiting it out with him. We have been seeing each other for 5 months and are serious. However, he is slow to commit and not very open with sharing his feelings and thoughts including things from his past and how it affects his present (e.g. he does not trust people easily, he keeps a lot to himself). I have been very understanding with his decision and deep down inside I do support him. However, there are days when I feel like my patience is tested including my faith in "us" because I am not sure how long I can wait it out without feeling a sense of commitment from him in the sense of him being more open to share his feelings including recognizing that the commitment I have made to waiting with him. I care a lot about him and have tried to share my feelings with him. While I feel he is receptive, I would like to know from the men on here, how I can work on building a stronger foundation for "us" and how I can be supportive in his decision and really in ours. I would also like to know how I can get him to be more open to share his feelings with me so I feel that I have a partner in walking down this path without feeling like I am missing out on something that feels natural to me. In all else, I feel that we have great chemistry and shared common values. I worry at times that this might affect our compatibility and I am not sure if it does or not since he asked me the  other night - if it was a compatibility issue. Also, would like to hear from folks that are around our age how long would you wait it out for a sense of commitment or trying to figure out if the relationship is going anywhere on the positive. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

this is a tricky one.   I don't imagine there is a single answer or way to approach this.   All i know is that in reading your note I was struck by the feelings that your BF must feel about past relationships and vulnerabilities...  and I think that's where perhaps you might start in thinking how to be with him and help him see that you're only looking for ways to put yourselves even more together.

 

My soft thought here is a good discussion about intimacy - not physical intimacy - emotional intimacy.   perhaps in a way that lets him know this matters to you without feeling like there is undue pressure in that moment.   I know this will sound corny stupid but perhaps he needs a moment to absorb that without feeling like you are watching his every reaction?   meaning... a note to him on these subject(s)?   email or even truly a handwritten note.   something that lets him absorb it and react (quietly) to it without feeling like you are standing there to gauge every moemntary reaction.

 

you clearly want that emotional intimacy - and are not pressuring him about the physical intimacy.   I think that's potentially a powerful place to start... that you are willing to open yourself up about the things that make you anxious or vulnerable or the things that cause you embarrassment or stressful feelings or even shame to some degree... the things that make you human even amid all the happy outlook and genuine joy you feel with him.   there may be something in him that reduces your past relationships to sex...   where surely you have had emotional frustrations or disappointments with those relationships, and that's part of why you ended up ready to meet him.   you might even touch on the ways in which being with him has changed you and made you even more susceptible to making choices together that benefit you as a couple.

 

anyway...  I don't know if any of that begins to help you - i just know that in my past, when a girl approached me about being open and sharing... and when it was clear it was about opening up not just trying to get into bed... well...   it mattered a lot to me... and made me grow to be comfortable about those things with her.   in the end, i met a woman who was not a virgin, who chose to wait with me, and who most importantly who opened up her weak moments and let me comfort and connect with her over those moments even as i learned to slowly share things too.

 

it's not truthfully in most guys' innate DNA... but with good guys it can be coaxed into being :-)

 

hope that helps

 

- ian

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0