mistake7

Screwed up - hopefully you won't

17 posts in this topic

So, I am/was a regular poster on here, but I haven't posted in a while because I've felt too upset/shameful to visit this website.  This username is a new one I created since I don't want it associated with my other account (although it's probably not too hard to figure out).

 

I made a mistake.  It didn't happen all at once, but in little steps.  Eight and a half months ago, I met a girl that I really liked.  We started dating.  I told her at the very beginning that I was waiting until marriage to have sex.  She said that she was too!  Except for the fact that she had made a mistake in her previous relationship once, and sincerely regretted it.

 

As each week passed, she pushed further and further sexually.  I never initiated anything sexual, but for some reason I never said "no" either.  I felt uncomfortable, and in the back of my mind, it really bothered me that she had had sex before.

 

In the past, I would have considered myself someone who was completely incapable of being influenced by others -- peer pressure had no effect on me.   And that's still true with regards to friends or strangers.  However, I found out the same was not true when it came to someone I loved.

 

At 4 months into our relationship, we had oral sex, and at that point I said "This is it.  We're not going any further."  And for a while, things were going great.  But she started making subtle comments and I could tell that she was really determined to have sex.  I told her to never ask me in the heat of the moment; that my real answer would always be "no" regardless of whether I had a moment or two of weakness.

 

Well, two months later, we were hanging out one night and we had some white wine.  For whatever reason, we had two bottles and drank both of them.  Also, neither of us had eaten much that day.  Needless to say, we got pretty drunk.

 

We were making out in bed, and she got on top and asked "Do you want to have sex?".  I don't know what I was thinking then (the room was starting to spin by that point), but I said yes.

 

I couldn't really tell what was happening because it was dark.  7 seconds later (literally) I pushed her off of me and rolled over.  You know that feeling you get when something really bad has just happened and it gives you chills throughout your whole body and your heart kind of sinks?  Yeah, I got that big time.  I was intoxicated and on Prozac, and I couldn't feel anything "down there", so I actually had to ask her "Did we just have sex?" to which she replied "Yeah, why did you stop?"  She waited a few minutes and then told me she wanted to have more sex but I refused.

 

By this point, drunk or not, I realized I'd made a HUGE mistake.  I just rolled over and looked at the wall.  She seemed upset that I simply stopped as she was getting into it and rolled over and quit speaking herself.  In a few minutes, she fell asleep, but I just laid there staring at the wall for 6 hours, feeling like crap and feeling sick.

 

The next morning was weird.  I wasn't a virgin anymore, but I hadn't even felt anything.  This thing I had tried to save so long (23 years) was gone, and I didn't even get to experience it.  By this point, it became pretty clear to me that my girlfriend had always intended on having sex and didn't really consider her previous experience to be a mistake -- she only told me what I wanted to hear.

 

You may think that's a lot to assume; however, the same thing happened with marijuana.  It was a "mistake and some guy forced me to smoke it", and I bought into that, and then I learned she smoked it while we were dating.  Lots of little examples like this.

 

Over the next month and a half, our relationship completely fell apart.  I acted strange the entire week after we had sex, and I don't think she understood why it bothered me so much.  At that point, she lost interest in doing anything physical with me (including kissing), maybe because I freaked out after sex.  The first time was the last time.  We broke up a month ago.  I haven't contacted her since then.

 

So now I'm at this strange point in my life where I don't know what to do.  I can't tell anyone; my family would be absolutely devastated if they found out.  My sister is getting married soon, and I'm almost certain she hasn't done anything more than kiss.

 

Even though I believe in God, my reason for waiting until marriage wasn't a religious one; it was simply that I wanted to save something special (my virginity) for whoever I loved enough to spend the rest of my life with.  I do think the reason I freaked out so much though was because of the constant brainwashing growing up (not necessarily a bad thing) to not have sex before marriage.

 

97% of the population loses their virginity before marriage.  3% successfully make it.  Those 3% are really impressive to me, and it's likely that the person I would want to marry is in that group.  Unfortunately, they're not going to want to marry me now.  So my options at this point are to find someone in that 3% that can forgive me and look past my mistake, or find someone in the 97%.  I have a hard time imagining someone could truly look past my mistake if they themselves were waiting, because I remember how much it bothered me that my girlfriend had lost her virginity, and how that was constantly in the back of my mind.  I can't do that to someone else; they don't deserve that constant uncomfortable thought.

 

Do I consider the one and only time I've ever had sex a mistake, or do I just give up on trying to wait now and date someone in the 97% who doesn't care about waiting?  I don't know.  I don't know what to do.

 

So I guess my advice here is: 1) If you think you're insusceptible to peer-pressure, make darn sure you work at it, and make every effort to stick with your principles.  You may find someone you love that will push you, and it may be harder to resist than you ever thought it would be.  2) Don't get drunk.  It's stupid, you lose your inhibitions, and you make irreversible, life-changing mistakes.

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Do I consider the one and only time I've ever had sex a mistake, or do I just give up on trying to wait now and date someone in the 97% who doesn't care about waiting?  I don't know.  I don't know what to do.

 

It was a mistake, but it doesn't have to rule over you. Yes, there were unwise choices that were made that led up to this mistake but it's never too late to start again. You clearly show remorse over what happened and I think that shows that you still believe that waiting is the right way. Also just because a person loses their virginity, it doesn't mean that they can't still wait so that 97% is misleading. But even if that was true, settling for who isn't waiting isn't going to make you happy. This girl you were with was one of those people all along and she made you feel like crap. You don't have to settle for that. You can find someone who values waiting and will accept your past, regardless if they are a virgin or not.

 

People mess up all the time and yet can still have happy, fulfilling lives and marriages. Why can't you?

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Thank you for sharing your story with us! That cannot have been very easy to write about.

 

While I am still a virgin, I have certainly done things in life that I regret, both romantically and otherwise. I know how painful it can be to do something that you feel may have been a mistake, something that violates your prior concept or who you are and what you do.

 

Experiences like this often change you, but the way that you change depends on how you choose to react to this unexpected situation. You had sex before marriage. It was not your goal, nor your intention, but it happened. What now? Will you let this devastate you and ruin your life? Or will you try to forgive yourself and move forward, learning from your past and letting it help you become the best version of you that you know how to be? Judging by your courage in posting here, and the way that you are using your experience to try to help others, I can tell that you are choosing to handle this situation with as much positivity as possible, and I am so glad of that. I pray that you continue to keep walking through this with your head held high, not letting it excessively burden you.

 

And for the record, there are MANY virgin women who would not rule you out because of this, and there are also many women who are not virgins but who are now waiting until marriage. There is still good reason to hope!

 

Welcome back to our community!

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Hey welcome back! First off, it takes a lot of courage to come out and admit this. I truly admire you for that. What is important now is that you forgive yourself, stand up, dust yourself off, and continue to run the race. God has already forgiven you when you asked Him. But we all make mistakes in some parts of our lives. Remember that it is not where we find ourselfs that defines us, but the direction in what we are working in. As you mentioned in your post, the moment when you realised what has transpired you regretted it. Many others would have laughed it off and said "oh well, too late now to continue waiting". In fact they would have been proud of it if you'd ask me, knowing people. (Take this girl for example. She said she was waiting but look at her attitude about sex.) But your mindset is different. And that right there makes you a rarity.

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Welcome back to the site.

Forgiveness is the key.

You have to find it in you to forgive yourself and then forgive her.

It will set you free to wait until marriage from this point on.

You truly have a heart to wait...God knows this.

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Welcome back and I reiterate the statements of the previous posters!

 

It was just a mistake, you fell in the race. You just need to pick yourself back up and continue running.

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I would take this lesson as well to remember:

The more you drink alcohol in a single setting, the chance increases that you will do something you will regret.

 

Now, if you have asked God to forgive you and you forgiven yourself, its time to get back on that high horse. Learn from your mistake that you do not repeat it. Also, just because you are not a virgin does not mean you can't wait until marriage. Just recommit yourself.

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As others have already said, you can still wait until marriage if that is a value that is important to you. And it is still possible to find a woman who will date you. You haven't said that you will only date a woman who is waiting of her own accord, so if you're willing to date a woman who is not a waiter but will wait with you, then a decent chunk of that 97% has opened up for you. Even though you had a poor experience with your ex-girlfriend, not all non-waiters are like that. There are women out there who will wait with you. And even if you do want a waiter, there will be some women in that 3% who are okay with a non-virgin. I would guess at least half of the women on here are fine with a non-virgin. Admittedly, it probably will make it tougher with the 3% as some will have it as a dealbreake, but all hope is far from gone.

 

Since this is a fairly recent experience you're probably in a bit of a panic-mode right now, but eventually it will calm down. Even though I'm the type of person who holds out for the ideal scenario, I do believe in adapting if the ideal scenario literally is not possible. You're ideal scenario involved being a virgin. Unfortunately, that can't happen now. Find what the next-best scenario is for you.

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I'm still a virgin, but I think I have a different perspective, now that I'm engaged to someone who isn't (but is waiting with me).

 

On saving sex for marriage:

Every commandment given from God is a corollary of the greatest one:

 

 

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39)

 

In summation: Loving others is a way to love God.

 

Why do you save sex for marriage? Because it's a way to glorify God. Do we do other things that don't glorify God?

 

... =v=;;

 

I'm not trying to downplay premarital sex. I want to point out that God didn't give us orders for the sake of feeling more "pure" than the rest of the world. It was given to us so that we are able to love Him and love those around us like He would do.

 

And do we fail? All the time. That's why it's important to know that God is OK with that, and is willing to give a helping hand when we get up and try again.

 

On the past:

I'll be coming at this as a person who waited and is dealing with the other person's past.

 

I won't lie. Knowing his past was painful, and I had bad dreams for awhile. But what got me through it was a combination of God's grace and my fiance's reassurances that he believed I was The One and that he loves me.

 

But it's a two-way street. I could drag around his past and continue to feel insecure, or I can trust him.

 

I've chosen to trust him.

 

Still, the pain doesn't go away immediately. However, I know that it's because I love him that this was so painful. The past isn't the most joyful topic to bring up in conversation, but the time we spent to open up, be completely, utterly vulnerable and work through it together is so, so, so precious to me. It's something I would have never experienced at this level if I was with someone in the 3%.

 

On percentages:

Don't think you're "settling" if you end up with a 97% person. And don't think that the other person is "settling" because you're not one of the 3%. Statistics mean very little, if anything at all (I'll personally deliver a side kick to the stomach to anyone who says "settled" on my fiance).

 

As for pracical advice, girls size up girls better than guys. Always get an honest opinion about a girl you're dating from your mom or someone like your mom before you get in too deep. You'll find that they're right more often than not.

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What is the difference between you and your girlfriend(s) exploring each other's bodies for 8 months to the point of oral sex and beyond, and your unfortunate seven seconds representing intercourse. Yes, in a very technical manner the first isn't 'sex' and the second is 'sex', but that is really missing the heart and spirit of WTM. If you've already enjoyed most everything else there is to an intimate relationship, what are you saving for marriage? Perhaps you should look further back than that fateful night and figure out what it is you really believe or don't believe? Because at least some of the rest of us that you say are "brainwashed" into WTM can see through token technicalities and lip-service.

I wanted to be reassuring, and indeed you can get back up, dust yourself off and find your way back to the WTM path, and I sincerely hope you do. But you will have to recognize that you've been on a detour for a while now and if you don't really rethink your current path, you will end up down in the dust again.

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Mistake7,

When you explained that your girlfriend had the intention all along to have sex with you and lied to you and told you what you wanted to hear.  Well, that is sexual coercion and it is helpful to call it what it is.  I have also been lied to and manipulated.  Sorry you had to experience that part of life.  Maybe you can use your hardship for good.  That's redemption and you can have it too.  Now you can have more depth of understanding with others and ultimately help them.  Without understanding is the limitation of compassion for others.  You are not alone; you are not the first nor the last.

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so here's the thing.  the next stage of waiting is up to you - you know that.   you have all the forgiveness that you can ask for - from God, from anyone around you you think you may have crossed, or if you are anxious about it, from whomever is next in your life.

 

that forgiveness gives you the chance to clear your heavy heart about this.   and if you choose - to grow from it.   

 

it's very clear - abundantly clear - that you are filled with regret and disappointment that things got away from you - it doesn't matter whether it was a momentary loss of control, or if it was alcohol, or if it was the social pressure of it, or if it was indeed at that one particular moment a willful choice - what matters is how you address that for yourself for moving forward.

 

Every one above me on this thread raises good points and issues - whether to simply hold it as a mistake, own that you made a mistake and move on.... or to cause a small questioning inside you about how all the steps of that relationship may have contributed to that one moment.   But i'm back to the top of my note here... the thing is...  you cannot go backwards...   you can only go forward, and you can go forward with a clean heart if you choose to, and you can step forward with a mistake on the books, but a dedicated heart and soul about what you will do moving forward.   honest.    that's what forgiveness - and striving to be a better person - are all about.

 

I know i am playing a bit of word nuancing here... but you may want to think about the differences - FOR YOU - in your sexual urges, the extent of your physical affections and physical expression in a relationship, and you may want to be deliberate about where lines are, and in really watching for signs of support from whomever is lucky enough to be part of your life.  To succeed, and to give a relationship the best chances at success, you need a common point of view about what it means to be a couple and how you want to act as a couple for each other... it doesn't mean you have to be the same - it means you have to support who the other is, and act together for the betterment of both of you.   my wife and i were not the same, but we most certainly wanted to be better for each other and with each other.   that's almost a more intimate conversation and understanding to have as a couple - than is anything you might do or succumb to physically...   but it's also the truest form of being together.  

 

I encourage you to dust yourself off, and share the being inside you with optimism and hope about the future. just my two cents' worth :-)

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OP, I hate to say this, but if coerces forces sex from you when you aren't able to consent, that is rape.  Being raped does NOT count as losing your virginity.  Losing your virginity is a choice.  You did not choose.

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OP, I hate to say this, but if coerces forces sex from you when you aren't able to consent, that is rape.  Being raped does NOT count as losing your virginity.  Losing your virginity is a choice.  You did not choose.

 

Well, I'd agree that rape wouldn't constitute losing one's virginity (purity if we can call it that I guess) but OP does admit to saying Yes......

 

As others have already said, he can still wait & still find a waiter that is willing to be with him, especially since (I presume) that a big chunk of that "3%" are likely to be girls; & generally speaking, girl-waiters are more likely to consider someone who hasn't waited, precisely because there are fewer guy-waiters (or at least that seems to be the case). Or he could just happen to bump into someone like him, who made a mistake & is GENUINELY (unlike his ex) feeling bad about it; they'll be able to relate to each other & feel like equals within the relationship & that could create a strong bond between them.

 

Nonetheless, I'd like to thank OP for coming here & sharing his story, only so that the rest of us don't get complacent & always remember that even the most committed waiter out there can make a mistake in the heat of the moment.

 

Personally, this is one of the reasons I feel that if waiting is something that REALLY matters then one should be with someone who is dedicated to waiting because anyone can lose their path for a moment or two but if both are honestly dedicated to waiting then when one is feeling weak, the other can hold them back. If one of them has never been dedicated to waiting, as was likely the case with OP's ex, then chances of things going awry would be significantly greater. I'm not saying all non-waiters are susceptible to weakness but most probably are if they have never been committed to waiting.

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OP was drunk and was coerced.  That is not consent.

 

 

Well, I'd agree that rape wouldn't constitute losing one's virginity (purity if we can call it that I guess) but OP does admit to saying Yes......

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OP was drunk and was coerced.  That is not consent.

 

Well, I'm not a lawyer so I'm not going to make a legal argument here but in my opinion, if a person CHOOSES to get drunk (as opposed to someone forcing them to drink & such) & then says YES to sex then they shouldn't be claiming rape; not to mention the girl was drunk too so she could also claim rape on similar grounds if possible......Just my opinion. Others are free to disagree.

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Its ok it doesn't change you! or even what girls will think about you.  I didn't have sex before marriage but i did make mistakes along the way and it doesn't matter anymore you can still be happy and you can still be a waiter.

 

also we all support you and your journey to try again.

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