HopefulPoet

Children: A deal breaker?

12 posts in this topic

What up!

 

Alright, I don't know if this has already been posted, but I'm doin' it anyway!

 

A little background to the question first I guess? In this last year I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had surgery to help slow down the process of the disease. If you guys don't know what that is, the best way I can explain it shortly (sorry for the following vocabulary, try not to cringe) is that essentially tissue similar to the lining of the uterus is found outside of the womb and cause growths, lesions, and scarring internally. It's wickedly painful and there isn't a cure, mostly just ways to try to cover up the pain and slow down the progression.

 

It's not life-threatening or anything, but the reason it's important to me is that having it, especially so severely at such a young age, greatly reduces my chances of having children in the future. The longer I wait, the more scarring and damage that is done to my internal reproductive organs which causes infertility. My older cousin was in a similar situation and instead of opting to wait, she immediately lost her virginity and had two children because she was afraid she would never have the chance later in life. She's now a divorced single mom at the age of 22:/ My decision has been to continue to wait until marriage, no matter how badly I want children some day, and I realized that it might be a deal breaker for some guys out there.

 

So after that long rant, that's my question I guess. If your future wife (well, I guess before you married her?) was unable to have children, would that be a deal breaker? Is there a difference between a woman not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids that makes some sort of distinction in how you would react/handle it? I'm resolved to adopt or even try surrogacy if it does end up being impossible for me to conceive, but I'm really worried that for a lot of guys that won't be enough. I get worried that the combination of waiting until marriage to be intimate as well as the likelihood of not being able to give my husband children will make most guys run away.

 

Thanks for reading that super long thing.

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I know lots of women with endo and it's sad because all of them wish to become mothers one day but most are having difficult time. One of them did managed to conceive so it was a blessing for them

 

Personally, it doesn't matter to me whether she can conceive naturally or not. What matters to me is that she has the desire to have kids of some kind. It would be nice to have biological children, but ultimately it's not what's important. I want to adopt at least one child so that will be my option if she can't conceive.

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I also think it is the thought that counts(i.e., having the desire to have kids of some kind). Do I want to have biological children sone day? Yes. However, I think what is important here is being sensitive to her needs and to the reality of the situation. Adoption would sound like an option.

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Yes as Vince said above its quite a common occurrence these days, must be something else we can attribute to hormones and additives in foods.

My two cents;

I don't think I would honestly care where or how my wife of someday and myself, how we became parents.

Man it's not the biological act of reproduction that makes a mother, a mom or a father, a dad.

When's the last time a paternity test revealed, you are the dad right?

It reveals you are the father, because it takes an active parent to be a mom/dad.

And besides there are literally hundreds, no thousands, really millions of children around the world who are in need of moms and dads.

I'd think taking the fact that maybe you can't or won't, I said maybe we don't know what our futures hold and medical science is making leaps and bounds.

But if by chance yourself and "Mr. HopefulPoet" could make the choice to adopt and give one, two, three, 20 of these young people a second chance.

That'd be awesome to say the last!

Then like you mentioned there's surrogacy, should the two of choose this route either alone or in combination with adoption.

So I'd say don't worry, as demonstrated here by three fine gentlemen, you have nothing to worry about.

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I was,going to ask this question but the other away around... that is, are biological children with your spouse essential to most women, or would you consider adoption? (FYI I don't doubt my ability to father children.)

From my side, a woman not being able to bear her own children is immaterial - so long as her heart is in the right place so to speak. I've favored adoption over having my own kids for a while, but would defer to a spouse who wanted it from her side.

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Thanks guys! Now I feel a little silly for worrying, haha. I'm also really glad that so many of you would like to adopt, even if you could have biological children, because the idea of adopting a child has always kind of been in my heart. @rookiepilot1 there actually are some legitimate hormone/additive things in food that make Endo worse! Good call haha. I don't know that it causes it, but due to the inflammatory nature of the disease and the fact that it's essentially hormone imbalance in some ways, there are certain foods and chemicals that make the pain more intense. I've been a vegetarian for about seven months now as a result of finding a nutritionist that showed me that I can actually help lessen my everyday pain by avoiding animal products (still working on veganism, but holy cow do I love cheese *pun intended*). Also all soy products are really bad for it as well.

Anyway the weird part about it is I never even thought I'd want a family until that possibility became threatened, and now I'm doing absolutely everything I can to ensure it happens and leaving the rest in God's hands.

@christianman72 So are you asking if from a female perspective, if a guy was unable to father children, would that be a deal breaker? Well, for this woman, definitely not. With Endo I know how devastating it is to have that ability taken away from you. I've literally even had surgery because I want to do everything I can. So if it turned out that I could actually have children, but the guy I was with couldn't, I would do exactly what I would want done for me and love them regardless, and then adopt an adorable baby. And like twelve dogs.

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It would take something far more significant than an inability to become pregnant to keep me from marrying the love of my life.  In fact it doesn't even make the list of things that I consider.  Children should be a blessing that springs forth from marital love and intimacy, not the reason for trying to have said love and intimacy.  Having children is not the reason I want a wife.  As wonderful as having children and bringing life into this world is, my desire for a wife runs far deeper and richer than that -- is much more intricate and beautiful.

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What up!

 

Alright, I don't know if this has already been posted, but I'm doin' it anyway!

 

A little background to the question first I guess? In this last year I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had surgery to help slow down the process of the disease. If you guys don't know what that is, the best way I can explain it shortly (sorry for the following vocabulary, try not to cringe) is that essentially tissue similar to the lining of the uterus is found outside of the womb and cause growths, lesions, and scarring internally. It's wickedly painful and there isn't a cure, mostly just ways to try to cover up the pain and slow down the progression.

 

It's not life-threatening or anything, but the reason it's important to me is that having it, especially so severely at such a young age, greatly reduces my chances of having children in the future. The longer I wait, the more scarring and damage that is done to my internal reproductive organs which causes infertility. My older cousin was in a similar situation and instead of opting to wait, she immediately lost her virginity and had two children because she was afraid she would never have the chance later in life. She's now a divorced single mom at the age of 22:/ My decision has been to continue to wait until marriage, no matter how badly I want children some day, and I realized that it might be a deal breaker for some guys out there.

 

So after that long rant, that's my question I guess. If your future wife (well, I guess before you married her?) was unable to have children, would that be a deal breaker? Is there a difference between a woman not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids that makes some sort of distinction in how you would react/handle it? I'm resolved to adopt or even try surrogacy if it does end up being impossible for me to conceive, but I'm really worried that for a lot of guys that won't be enough. I get worried that the combination of waiting until marriage to be intimate as well as the likelihood of not being able to give my husband children will make most guys run away.

 

Thanks for reading that super long thing.

 

Even though this post is from a while back and even though there are many positive comments to support you, I thought it worthwhile to add more of the same.  More positivity is just, well, more positive...

 

I am definitely a virgin waiting until marriage, and I am also a 30-something.  Right off-the-bat, I would always know that personally, a woman will NEVER be penalized in my book for her fertility.  There is no chance that a future spouse will ever be penalized.  It actually FEELS good to write that.  I want to do the right things in life, and this is one of those times where it actually feels good, and that hardly ever happens, heh.

 

I think it would benefit ladies to know that waiting for marriage no matter what is a good thing!  Congratulations for not suffering the same fate as your cousin; that is also a big blessing.  I have a cousin, as a matter-of-fact with endometriosis, and she got married just fine to a wonderful man that we love including in our family, and who's family included us!  Whether they adopt, try surrogacy, or try naturally, they will always be married without "dealbreakers" as far as we can tell several years into their marriage!  They are a shining real couple of datapoints that show a beautiful curve...

 

I think it is also worth noting that when difficult things happen to some of us in life, the world can get really surprisingly gracious in all its God-given splendor.  There are those who cannot have kids who want them, but at the same time, there are those who can have kids that cannot keep them.  Well, that is a self-presenting solution right there!  Adoption is one of those solutions for both kinds of folks in that situation.  If you choose adoption, then you can certainly become a loving mother to a child who really needs one someday who would otherwise have a very complicated family life.  You get to be that person who makes a difference for those children with which you give a loving motherhood.

 

Then again, endometriosis doesn't HAVE TO lead to infertility, but I just wanted to remind you that it isn't a dealbreaker if it does.  Even as a man waiting for marriage, my seed will be just for my wife.  This will unconditionally stay a loving gesture to my wife whether it leads to reproduction or not.  If I am fertile, and she isn't, we will probably adopt.  My marriage will involve going through things as a SHARED body, not as two separate ones.  If it takes two reproductive systems to reproduce, and my marriage only has one that leads to reproduction, then WE aren't fertile together.  That's OKAY!  Hell, that's free birth control!  We can adopt whenever we decide to have kids; no problem.

 

XD

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I don't know how it's taken me so long to see these new replies, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for the positivity and kindness, it means the world to me. This is still definitely something I struggle with, among other things, and I think that I really really needed to hear the idea that you brought up GodsPhysicist: the person you love is a part of who you are, too, and what they go through belongs to you just as what you go through belongs to them. When I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, I felt like my value diminished because of both the nature of chronic illnesses as well as the possibility of infertility, and then when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my sense of value completely plummeted and I wondered how it was that anyone would be willing to take on those challenges, my challenges, when I had so little to offer in return. Deep down, I know those things aren't true, I see it in the way that I love my family and friends even more through their struggles, the way that I would gladly take their burdens from them--I know that love, when it's right, doesn't resent burdens, it embraces them. But it helps to have that reassurance from an objective third party, it helps me keep that hope alive. So thank you, seriously, all of you. <3 

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First off, I am sorry for what you're going through.

I am on the other end of the spectrum. I don't want kids for a variety of reasons. Maybe someday I will get into it. Meeting a conservative Christian female that does not want kids of her own volition is near impossible, but I try to keep the faith she is out there somewhere.

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On 2/3/2014 at 9:44 PM, HopefulPoet said:

So after that long rant, that's my question I guess. If your future wife (well, I guess before you married her?) was unable to have children, would that be a deal breaker? Is there a difference between a woman not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids that makes some sort of distinction in how you would react/handle it? I'm resolved to adopt or even try surrogacy if it does end up being impossible for me to conceive, but I'm really worried that for a lot of guys that won't be enough. I get worried that the combination of waiting until marriage to be intimate as well as the likelihood of not being able to give my husband children will make most guys run away.

This is by no means a deal breaker in my eyes. 

My father used to have a saying when I was growing up. 'What kind of man would I be if... (insert scenario). What kind of man would I be if I let a beautiful woman slip out of my life solely on the basis that she was unable to have children? I would love to have biological children one day, don't get me wrong, but there is always the option to adopt. There are so many children in the world who are unable to experience the joy of two loving parents, and even if I have biological children I would still choose to adopt at least 1 child. 

I think as @Slayerofdragon stated, my first concern would be her needs, thoughts, and feelings on the issue. How can I better love and support her through something as difficult as this? If I were in this situation I would feel saddened at the thought of not having children, but I know my wife would feel exponentially worse because she would not be able to do the one thing that most women want to do. And that is bear children with the man she loves. 

Having children is absolutely a blessing but it is in no way my sole reason, or even remotely close to why I want to marry a woman. It would take something far worse to keep me from marrying the woman I love. What if the situation were reversed and I was unable to have children? I would hope that my future wife would show me the same level of love, devotion, trust, and loyalty that I would have for her if we ever found ourselves in this scenario. 

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No.

Mainly because I'm not even sure how much I want kids.

At this point I kind of feel like I'll follow my wife's lead. What does that mean? If we get married and if she begins expressing feelings as to how much she wants children then I'll agree to have kids. If she never brings it up and doesn't really ever develop that interest or desire to have kids I don't expect that I'm going to start pushing for kids because I personally want so much. I think I'd be ok with never having any but I would be willing to have kids if my wife really wanted them.

 

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