Samantha

Scared of Divorce

29 posts in this topic

So....let's talk about it. The one thing I'm sure many of us fear. DIVORCE. Seeing as this is a w4m site, I imagine the vast majority of us value and look forward to getting married. But what if, horror of horrors, you make a mistake. I mean, I can't imagine ever committing myself to someone if I wasn't 200% sure. But what if he/she changes their mind? And this thing you've saved for the person who was supposed to be your other half is lost to you. Divorce is not an easy choice, but if you're partner because physically or emotionally abusive, then it is probably the necessary thing to do. Regardless of whether or not you would stay abstinent until you got married again, I worry about the emotional pain this would bring. Granted, the divorce itself is much more painful than the fact that if I get married again, I wouldn't be able to gift my spouse with my virginity. But I still worry. I mean, in my case, I have given my heart to two boys already, neither of whom will I get to marry, most likely. And for both of these boys, minus things of sexual and physical nature, I gave and give them my everything. I can't help it. I watched/watch out for them, worried over them, helped them, cared for them, loved them. I don't feel guilty about loving either of them, love is something I'm proud of and I will keep a space in my heart for both of them. But one of the reasons I'm saving sex for marriage is that I have to keep a part of myself for someone who feels the same way I do who is committed to stay with me and take care of me the way I take care of him. I'm proud of my virginity. As bigmatt said in another post, your virginity doesn't go away, it goes with the one you love. But I worry...what if the wrong person marries me and breaks my heart and takes the one thing that I wanted to save for the person who truly deserved it? I know about "born again virgin" and deciding to wait after having had sex, and I respect those people as waiters. But in my case, I just...I really hope it works out. I guess everyone feels that way, but I get scared. What if I push the right guy away because I'm worried he might not be serious about our potential marriage? I imagine you guys will say something to the effect of be careful with your heart, but when you know it's right, you have to take a chance. Because you don't want to lose the love of your life because you're scared. Still. This is something I want to hear from people about. Especially anyone who waited for marriage than ended up getting divorced.

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Many on here seem to think they're immune from divorce because they're WTM, but that's not the case...

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If heaven forbid I so get divorced I will first consult with my ex to find what happened then if we can't talk it out I will just move on

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Many on here seem to think they're immune from divorce because they're WTM, but that's not the case...

 

Divorce isn't a disease or something that can just happen; it's a choice. I've recently decided that I will have no prenuptial agreement. I won't marry a woman who even considers divorce as a possibility. Divorce will just be something that other people do; not us. It will be that simple. The only reason we will divorce is over some serious, unforgivable transgression on our vows. Not because we "fell out of love," or some other made up excuse.

 

To address your concern, though: if a long, happy, faithful, committed marriage is what you want, then you should only marry a guy that feels the same way. If he gives you any legitimate cause for concern in that area, then he is not "right" for you and you shouldn't feel bad for moving on.

 

Marry someone that fulfills your needs and who deserves a marriage with you. You should earn it and he should earn it. Continue to fulfill each others' needs. Neither of you is going to wake up and be a completely different person or someone that is going to up and leave. If one of you behaves or changes in a way that is counterproductive to your marriage, you address it. Nip everything in the bud; in the root if possible. Continue to pursue each other, continue to learn each other.

 

These are just my thoughts. The above thoughts and attitude are what help me with my own fear of divorce and marriage. Also, this video helped me. There's some language in it, just FYI.

 

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This is simple, really. You will recognize them by their fruit. A good tree will bear good fruit.

And a bad tree will bear bad fruit.

 

Someone who chooses a bad tree as a spouse has just a great lack of discernment. 

 

Someone with a basis of common sense will never choose a bad tree as a spouse !

 

what do you mean by fruit/tree? I know you're speaking metaphorically, but I'm not sure what you mean.

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Divorce isn't a disease or something that can just happen; it's a choice. I've recently decided that I will have no prenuptial agreement. I won't marry a woman who even considers divorce as a possibility. Divorce will just be something that other people do; not us. It will be that simple. The only reason we will divorce is over some serious, unforgivable transgression on our vows. Not because we "fell out of love," or some other made up excuse.

 

To address your concern, though: if a long, happy, faithful, committed marriage is what you want, then you should only marry a guy that feels the same way. If he gives you any legitimate cause for concern in that area, then he is not "right" for you and you shouldn't feel bad for moving on.

 

Thank you. I think you're right that seeking a man who feels the same way about marriage will be very helpful. What I'm concerned about is someone who tricks me into thinking they're something they're not. Or marrying someone who ends up being abusive. In my experience, it sometimes takes years to realize a person's true nature. But I guess that's why you should never rush into marriage.

 

I agree, being in love is a verb. It's work, but it should never be too much work. However, I wouldn't say divorce is always a choice. If your spouse wants out and you don't, there is nothing you can do. I think looking for someone who's parents had a successful marriage is sometimes a good way to see how someone thinks marriage should be. Of course, that's not always the case. My mother's parents divorced so she has always been a very independent woman. However, my sister and I are fortunate in that they are truly committed to each other and have told me point blank that they have had trouble through the years, sometimes, but they worked things out because they are committed to the life they have created together.

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OK, maybe I worded it wrong but it does happened however if it occurs then maybe the couple was not compatible

Oh, phooey. No offense.

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Abuse and deception are possible. I believe that WTM itself will help weed out those guys, not to mention a long dating period in which you give yourself a chance to see all sides of each other. If, however, that does happen to you (if you're being abused or if he is a total no-good-piece-of-crap), then you should get out. So then your concern is that you will have given your virginity to this person and won't be able to give that to anyone else. It would hurt, I'm sure, but you would move on. You would have a new perspective, and I'm sure that you would have an even stronger love and appreciation for the right guy when you do find him.

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I think that you need to ensure that you are both compatible and ensure that he/she is true to their word. My parents have been together for over 30 years and yes they had problems buy always talked it though. I want to ensure my wife and I have a long and stable relationship

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You should never ever hit a women ever. I will always be caring and loving to my wife. I will be there for the bad times and good times. If she is feeling down, I will be there for cuddle or just for a shoulder to cry on. I will love unconditionally forever now and in the future

What I'm concerned about is someone who tricks me into thinking they're something they're not. Or marrying someone who ends up being abusive.

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If I divorce, I will not be remarrying. Getting married in the first place is starting to seem like more and more of a non-option to me with each day as it is.

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I do share the same view but if there are kids I need to remarry because they need a female role model in their lives. 

If I divorce, I will not be remarrying

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Divorce scares me as well; mainly because my parents weren't married very long. I'll probably remarry if I get a divorce, but definitely not a third time.

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I do share the same view but if there are kids I need to remarry because they need a female role model in their lives. 

Not necessarily. Not saying a strong female role model isn't important, but it's not the only recipe for success. One of my best friends was raised by a single dad, and he raised her better than many a negligent mother. And of course, there are lovely gay couples. But I do understand you're meaning. Just wanted to reiterate the status quo is not the only way to raise children well.

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I understand your view that there are loving gay couple who can raise kids and I support gay rights but I need a women in my life because I will feel whole again only when I am in meaningful relationship. Hopefully my wife wife will be a loving caring soul who is never negligent. 

Not necessarily. Not saying a strong female role model isn't important, but it's not the only recipe for success. there are lovely gay couples.

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Great replies so far, both optimistic and idealistic.

For me I cannot say I'm afraid of Divorce as I believe as I've mentioned on here a couple times, that even if we split it would be in love.

You see I think it'd be misery and selfish of me to ask my wife to stay if she's unhappy. Hopefully she'd say the same, hopefully.

Now would I suggest divorce unless we'd exhausted every avenue possible, no way!

However I'd want for her to have something left for herself, our family as they'd still need a 'Mommy'and for myself, and of course to be 'Daddy'.

I mean I'd never, ever willing walk away from our marriage without putting up a fight. And I'd love her with everything I've got, that is one of my purposes for waiting. First being God, second myself, third yeah probably third.

But at the very end of the day, we should both have the opportunity to try at least to be happy, and not hate each other.

I'd probably go with what JaySpyder said above, ...

Quote:

TheJayspyder, on 12 Oct 2013 - 3:30 PM, said:

If I divorce, I will not be remarrying

Yeah that!

Having my heart broken into a trillion little pieces, how could I ever pick them up again.

But hopefully as 'til death do us part, ...' it'll hold true and as long as we both remember that divorce wouldn't be an option.

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Yeah divorce scares me--whoever I marry we BOTH better be 200% sure it is the right decision--because divorce isn't going to be an option no matter what and we're married truly till death does us part.

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Not scared of divorce but hope it does not happens. If it does occur, I would not remarry and try to be a good single dad.

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Not scared of divorce but hope it does not happens. If it does occur, I would not remarry and try to be a good single dad.

isn't the opposite of what you said earlier? I'm confused.

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Im glad you posted this I was just about to post about a related topic :)

But to answer your question Im really not sure either :/ Ive actually come across a couple guys on online dating who were virgins and got married and had to divorce because their wives wanted to split. I guess my thought process is "Well that's not gonna be me..." But I guess that's a little naive of an answer.

My other answer is that there should be small tell tale signs embedded in the beginning stages that most of us overlook, but Im honestly not sure if its the innocent divorced victim not picking up on these, or if there never were any signs to begin with that even the most intuitive person would pick up on. Im hoping/praying its the first and basically what Im learning is not to change yourself or get so excited you'll be someone different than your true self for someone. I also hope to date someone for a good two years and try being around them for so many days straight to see if we get sick of each other because eventually your true self has to come out. But yeah you have to trust your instincts and really make sure you don't get too attached too quickly so you can check in with yourself. if there is any part of you even the smallest that doesn't feel right about someone you probably shouldn't continue.

On a side note, and this is also something that has PLAGUED me. Im a firm Jesus believer and so one thing Ive thought about is what if I do find someone God would approve of for me and get married to them and they still do something terrible? Take Noah in the bible for instance. He got drunk with his daughters one night and had sex (not so well known as the animals and ark and all that...) I know that's not God doing the sinning its the man, but if God would lead me to someone who would do that I would rather be alone forever. Bt then again I guess God already knows that and maybe that's something his wife could forgive and be okay with eventually?

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On a side note, and this is also something that has PLAGUED me. Im a firm Jesus believer and so one thing Ive thought about is what if I do find someone God would approve of for me and get married to them and they still do something terrible? Take Noah in the bible for instance. He got drunk with his daughters one night and had sex (not so well known as the animals and ark and all that...) I know that's not God doing the sinning its the man, but if God would lead me to someone who would do that I would rather be alone forever. Bt then again I guess God already knows that and maybe that's something his wife could forgive and be okay with eventually?

 

If it makes you feel any better, I believe you're thinking of Lot. His wife was out of the picture and his daughters basically date-raped him. They got him so blackout drunk he didn't even know what was happening (according to the Bible).

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I am a bit conflicted. If I divorce I just don't want to alone and would like to remarry because I need someone be there for me and just someone to hold at night. I am such a hopeless guy. I would be so sad without a women in my life.

isn't the opposite of what you said earlier? I'm confused.

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Not to steer the conversation towards the proverbial ....... 'Why Does God allow bad things to happen, .......

As, I cannot stand in the shoes of God and give a complete answer to that question.

I don’t have God’s mind.

I don’t see with God’s eyes. First

Corinthians 13:12 says though, “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.â€

However let's see if i remember this story correctly here goes:

All that being said, in the story referenced above there were other factors like in that time period and culture for a woman not conceive children was a total and complete aberration.

To include they were concerned with the continuation of their family line as their mother was no longer around and they'd fled Sodom (which is where 'Sodomy' comes from I believe) to escape the destruction of the town.

I wanna try an answer your question:

Quote by: One Lovely

Im a firm Jesus believer and so one thing Ive thought about is what if I do find someone God would approve of for me and get married to them and they still do something terrible?

As a person who believes in God don't you believe that he loves you first and foremost.

Secondly this:

Psalm 84:11

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Specifically that last part, as you trust God then trust him in this also.

Your husband someday will make mistakes, as will you, but of course you know this. Will he do something "terrible" I guess neither of us can say for certain.

But I believe that as you are following him, you'll likely marry another Christ follower, and together you'll follow him collectively.

'God wouldn't approve of it any other way, so to say!'

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I don't know if I'm really that scared of divorce. I would absolutely hate for it to happen, and I wouldn't divorce a wife unless there was an EXTREME reason (I'm mainly thinking of sexual immorality). As of right now, though, I'm just not that afraid of it. I think it's just that I have trouble being afraid of something so hypothetical. I don't even have a girlfriend, so it's hard for me to be afraid of divorce. The fear might creep in once I'm in a serious relationship. I suppose another aspect of it is that I'm hopeful I'll be a good husband and my wife wouldn't want to divorce me. Of course people can change and my wife might want to leave me, but I guess I just tread the line between optimism and being realistic.

 

On the note of whether I would remarry, I believe I would.

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I don't know if I'm really that scared of divorce. I would absolutely hate for it to happen, and I wouldn't divorce a wife unless there was an EXTREME reason (I'm mainly thinking of sexual immorality). As of right now, though, I'm just not that afraid of it. I think it's just that I have trouble being afraid of something so hypothetical. I don't even have a girlfriend, so it's hard for me to be afraid of divorce. The fear might creep in once I'm in a serious relationship. I suppose another aspect of it is that I'm hopeful I'll be a good husband and my wife wouldn't want to divorce me. Of course people can change and my wife might want to leave me, but I guess I just tread the line between optimism and being realistic.

On the note of whether I would remarry, I believe I would.

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