Tatyana

Jealousy, and arguments

10 posts in this topic

What is the proper way to deal with jealousy? Lets say hypothetically that Im dating this guy and he gets upset because another guy was talking to me. So he starts bombarding me with questions, who was that guy? why were you ta--- and this is where I get irritated and shut down.

 

I dont do well with conflict, am I wrong or being inconsiderate if I just wanna curl up in a ball and roll away at this very moment? should there be jealousy in relationships? is it unhealthy?

 

And when tiffs occur I immediately want out,  I just feel like if the argument is pointless why have it? 

its just too stressful but people tell me that in normal relationships these things happen and they are near impossible to avoid :( But some arguments help you grow and you learn more about one another...

 

So then what is the best way to deal with these? because in the past whenever arguments have occurred I usually just sit there quietly thinking of ways to escape...help!

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I totally know where you're coming from because I HATE arguing! It makes me so uncomfortable and I try to avoid it whenever possible!

 

If all you're doing is talking to a guy, then I think your BF would be out of line to get upset with you about it. He NEEDS to realize that other guys will always be around, whether they be friends, co-workers, etc. If he bombards you with questions, you can answer them (I work with him, etc. etc.) but also be firm and say "I don't really appreciated the way you're talking to me right now. I was having an innocent conversation with ___ and I don't deserve to be accused of doing anything else. I haven't done anything to deserve mistrust from you."

 

You could bring it up again later (when he's calm) in a non-confrontational, non-accusatory way. Something like, "I noticed you get upset when I talk to other guys. Why is that?"

And if he's honest, he'll admit that he's insecure, and the ultimate fear is that you will leave him for another guy you like more than him.

So try to reassure him that you only have eyes for him, you're happy with him, etc, etc. (assuming those things are true)

There are also things you can do to ease his insecurity...introduce him to all your male friends as "my boyfriend so and so" and don't make plans to hang out with other guys without including him.

 

If he doesn't cool it with the jealousy...well, I personally don't think he's ready for a healthy relationship. I think you would feel controlled and stifled and get frustrated with dealing with his insecurity all the time. But that would be up to you.

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I dislike conflict too, but I know that sometimes there is just no way out and some things just need to be dealt with. What you can do is just calmly tell him why his behaviour is offensive (example: You know I love you, I don't understand where these accusations are coming from, etc.), just calmly talking about it. Not even viewing it as argument if that helps, just explaining why you're feeling a certain way, and asking him what suddenly made him feel a certain way. Keeping quiet, in some situations of conflict is often the best thing to do, but this is not one of those situations (imho). This is just my opinion and I speak from experience (experience with many conflicts, not romantic relationships). Then, there's always the fear of being misunderstood, by being quiet. What if he becomes suspicious for the wrong reasons and thinks you have something to hide? I don't know, maybe that probably is unlikely, but it's just something that I thought about. I understand conflicts are unpleasant, that's why I dislike them and try to avoid them. However, sometimes, you just have to sit down and deal with certain things, because you don't want to be misunderstood and you want to resolve whatever problem you're dealing with. I know jealousy is not an attractive trait, but like Katie said, just talk to him, reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. 

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That's why you date people that love you and you like them and have good relations.lol. good luck when you actually love some one you invest you're life and trust. It makes you that way. This is where experience wins. Older is better . But it depends if the spouse is milking the attention or looking for it . Also have the reverse they give you crap and there the one getting into trouble. Makes you vaunerable. Sorry for thy spelling . Usually ya can tell or get a feeling or people find out so try to stay calm.lol. why waiters make great wifes.ha

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Get used to it. Took me a while . Lifes challenges. Just don't stay in toxic relationships . Lot good people out there but your bad for each other run. The fun if relationships good and bad. Ya live with each other every day . Don't smother the love don't get to distant. Be honest. Ya have to learn the hard way . Maybe you will do just fine.

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As a guy I can say some of us are very possessive.

I think it's a male trait, women are to, but usually not to the excess we gentlemen are.

I also dislike confrontation though, and I'm very, very relaxed about most things, though I pour my heart into almost everything.

I'll try an answer a couple of your questions.

Should there be jealousy in relationships?

Yes I think some jealousy is healthy, as long as it's not like monopolizing, obsessive jealousy.

I think it goes past the aww gee that's cute phase, and into creepy, weird and way uncomfortable phase at that point.

So then what is the best way to deal with these?

I'd say, well this is where healthy communication and assurance, confidence building goes into effect.

However like I said above there's a marked difference between jealousy, and monopolizing, controlling behavior.

In the scenario you described above, I think that is unhealthy and, monopolizing!

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I too have a jealous bone... but I don't whip it out and beat someone about the head with it!! :wacko:

 

As far as that serious jealousy, the kind that stems from insecurity, it can be dangerous. I've been on the recieving end.

I, personally, will walk away as soon as that monster rears its ugly head. There is no reasoning with that. It took me years to realize I couldn't fix it. My advice, from experience, nip it in the bud. If there can be no reasonable communication and resolution, turn around and don't look back.

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Well that's quite reassuring to know that running the other way isnt such a bad idea under these circumstances.  This is why I am sooo adamant about picking a super easy going nice guy to be with ^_^  because I just cannot handle the drama. Im afraid to even date because I really really dont want to deal with an insecure guy ever again.

And thanks you all, this is very helpful because I actually do freeze whenever there is an argument, next time I will remember to  just take deepbreaths and stay calm  :)

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Well people on here don't cause drama and focus on there life. Most ya never kissed. Basically this problem shouldn't happen too you . You're the one who will get jealous. In the real world people trade you in even women . You are in a lot of bad situations out with your friends . Why you can't be serious until there ready like people here or you get older and want more. Tired of drama and games . People don't realize it but when there friends marry off they finally have good relationships because there older slowing down and the pressure and drama goes away they used to toucher there spouse's with . Lol. Crazy world that's why people are so jumpy . Gotta slow it down find your way to meet people you can date that give you positive experiences. Or you have to heal and start over .

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