11 posts in this topic

...If marriage is right for you? 

I ask myself this question Im not saying Im destined to be alone but I know when I get married I might be with that person pretty much EVERY SINGLE DAY and thats alot for me. When Im in a relationship with someone Im fine with seeing them a couple times a week, anymore than that and I feel smothered. My last boyfriend wanted to text me everyday and I wasnt used to it but I tried it, after a while I felt drained and upset all the time I just didnt like having to contact someone every freakin day.

I also havent had the chance to live ALONE yet (maybe thats why Im like this) and I REALLY want to do that first before getting married. I just really enjoy my me time but yes I also will enjoy spending time with the one I love. Ive read about marriages where people live in separate houses or sleep in separate beds and theyve been happily married for many years, I dunno if I would do that but I guess it was good to see that its possible to be happy while not being with eachother all the time. I just know I'd have to marry someone that understands me because there are days when I just dont feel like talking at all and normal people take offense to that, they think I maybe upset or sad but I just don't wanna talk that day. I dont mind listening to other people talk but if it requires me to initiate anything I get annoyed, then I feel bad for making a friend feel bad. There are also days where I want complete silence...and then I hear some people say "when you find him you will want to be with him everyday" but I know myself and I need some time alone. Anyway with the way I am, I do often fear that Im not marriage material or that if I find a great guy I will ruin it with my introverted ways? Ive heard some people say marriage isnt for everyone and with me wanting to be a Fashion designer that made me worry even more because the top female fashion designers that I know of are all single/divorced...Yes I like being alone at times but I dont want to be lonely forever and die sad and alone that would be horrible.  

 

is anyone else this complicated? :)

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I'm complicated like that too, but with me I like to plan things, I don't get mad or upset if plans don't go my way, but I still like to plan, I've planned most of my life already and to be honest, it doesn't involve anyone else.

But I also don't worry about dying sad and alone because I prefer being alone.

And you created the 666th topic!

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I think it is good for a couple to be away from each other sometimes!  I've seen couples just nitpick each other to death and I truly think it is because after a bad day who do you come home to?  Your spouse.  They are always there and people unintentionally take the strife of their day out on the other, but really they just needed some alone time to unwind.  I can't wait to be married, but I would also like my space (weekly).  Also, in the joys of dating you have away time ("let's go on a date").  When you're married, you don't get to miss the person or be courted. 

(Children don't go away either unless you put them in daycare or they are big enough to go to school or you have an awesome spouse that gives you some alone time.)

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I think marriage is right for anyone that wants to have a lifelong intimate relationship consisting of love, faithfulness, and stability, and for everyone that wants to have kids. You're completely normal and because you don't have the unreal expectation that you will enjoy every minute you spend with your husband the rest of your life, perhaps you will have a healthier marriage for it.

 

Personally, I hate the term smothered, though perhaps it best describes what is felt. It places the blame on your partner when in reality it is your own desire and need for alone time that causes it. 

 

I just know I'd have to marry someone that understands me because there are days when I just dont feel like talking at all and normal people take offense to that, they think I maybe upset or sad but I just don't wanna talk that day. I dont mind listening to other people talk but if it requires me to initiate anything I get annoyed, then I feel bad for making a friend feel bad. There are also days where I want complete silence.

This sounds like me, and many introverts in general. It doesn't have to become a problem if proper communication is practiced. If you're in a relationship with a guy you could see marrying, you should explain early on that you need that alone time and it's no fault of his. Maybe you'll find out he's the same way!

 

Needing alone time, even lots of it, doesn't have to deprive you of all the benefits of marriage. You just have to incorporate it into the relationship in ways that work. Leave a note saying something like, "Hey, went for some alone time doing _____at _____. Love you and see you soon!" The important thing is to treat your partner with friendliness and care, even when you're not necessarily feeling it. It's not really their fault you're feeling smothered (unless they're overly clingy), so when you explain your need to be left alone, do it with a smile and reassuring hug, not an agitated push away; and definitely not by ignoring them and assuming they'll get the hint.

 

Great question, something I've thought about a lot :)

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I like that weekly Idea Stacie sounds perfect for me and I think about the children thing quite often too which why I will push it back so far or just not have any. I dont want the kids to feel like mommy is mad at them or negligent.

 

 

Personally, I hate the term smothered, though perhaps it best describes what is felt. It places the blame on your partner when in reality it is your own desire and need for alone time that causes it. 

 

Needing alone time, even lots of it, doesn't have to deprive you of all the benefits of marriage. You just have to incorporate it into the relationship in ways that work. Leave a note saying something like, "Hey, went for some alone time doing _____at _____. Love you and see you soon!" The important thing is to treat your partner with friendliness and care, even when you're not necessarily feeling it. It's not really their fault you're feeling smothered (unless they're overly clingy), so when you explain your need to be left alone, do it with a smile and reassuring hug, not an agitated push away; and definitely not by ignoring them and assuming they'll get the hint.

 

Great question, something I've thought about a lot :)

 

I think anxiety is a better word I couldnt think of that at the time and this is perfect I do plan on communicating my need for alone time but I never thought of leaving little notes thanks  :) 

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is anyone else this complicated? :)

 

YES. I have EXACTLY the same feelings that you've described and those feelings have also led me to have the same worries that you've described.  I'm SO glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. ;)

 

Maybe my husband and I can be like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and live in separate but adjoining living spaces! Or at the very least, we can just try to make sure that we have enough of time away from each other (through having different jobs, hobbies, friends, etc), so that when we're home together we don't drive each other up the wall.  :)

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YES. I have EXACTLY the same feelings that you've described and those feelings have also led me to have the same worries that you've described.  I'm SO glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. ;)

 

Maybe my husband and I can be like Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter and live in separate but adjoining living spaces! Or at the very least, we can just try to make sure that we have enough of time away from each other (through having different jobs, hobbies, friends, etc), so that when we're home together we don't drive each other up the wall.  :)

 Me too :) , I actually just researched and found out about that lol I love Tim burton and Helena.

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Yes, I get this concern sometimes, particularly when I see how my married friends now feel as though they are not allowed to go anywhere without each other. I look forward to being married and getting to spend time with my husband, but I will still want to see my friends and maintain interests that we don't share. That may mean going to movies he doesn't want to see with friends and without him, or seeing concerts of artists he doesn't care for by myself. I am going to still need time to be with my friends and have "girl time." I don't want him to feel neglected if I don't spend every moment with him; we are going to be spending our whole lives together, so it should be okay for us to be apart for a few hours.

 

Also, as an introvert, I have "quiet times" when I just don't feel like talking much. I still want my husband to be around; I just might not have the energy to always entertain him. And no, I don't just mean "entertaining him" that way. ;)

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Yes, I get this concern sometimes, particularly when I see how my married friends now feel as though they are not allowed to go anywhere without each other. I look forward to being married and getting to spend time with my husband, but I will still want to see my friends and maintain interests that we don't share. That may mean going to movies he doesn't want to see with friends and without him, or seeing concerts of artists he doesn't care for by myself. I am going to still need time to be with my friends and have "girl time." I don't want him to feel neglected if I don't spend every moment with him; we are going to be spending our whole lives together, so it should be okay for us to be apart for a few hours.

 

Also, as an introvert, I have "quiet times" when I just don't feel like talking much. I still want my husband to be around; I just might not have the energy to always entertain him. And no, I don't just mean "entertaining him" that way. ;)

 

Just curious and this could probably fill up a new thread by itself... but are you OK with hanging out with guys when you're married? Like having lunch with a guy friend?

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I think you just know if you should be marrying someone if they are the right match for you. It should feel natural. As far as wanting space while being in a relationship, it's completely understandable but if it becomes a major problem that could ruin a relationship like having too much time apart maybe it's best to stay single until you decide whether most of your personal free time is worth giving up to be in a relationship let alone marriage.

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Just curious and this could probably fill up a new thread by itself... but are you OK with hanging out with guys when you're married? Like having lunch with a guy friend?

No, not under usual circumstances.  In this case, double dates are better.  The older we get, the more likely they have a spouse anyway.  I have guy friends, but I don't go to lunch with them one on one. 

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