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Phoenix

Advice? ..In a hurtful relationship, but In love :(

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I've been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone I love and care for deeply.

In our relationship, we've bonded substantially for the time we've spent, the things we have in common, and the difficult times we've come through. when he moved in with me, he moved out of his abusive mother's home.

He comes from a very dysfunctional family and has a past of choices that have caused many heartaches and confusions in our relationship. In our relationship I've tried hard to be patient, forgiving, and understanding... but sometimes it seems he is very selfish and he's struggled with habits and choices during our relationship that have represented disloyalty to me. He struggled with a porn addiction (which he says he resents).

And also there were two incidents in which he gave his number to two different girls from the past before me (which he ran into on college campus and they asked for his number). Each of these girls were people he had past romantic feelings for or near sexual encounter with before me.

He is usually honest and often comes clean about the porn problem, his past, and giving his number out (but always well after the fact).

He told me he has no interest in these two girls at his old school, but I am still hurt and betrayed that he didn't with hold his number and of course the porn problem hurts also. These things are unacceptable in a relationship to me.

We separated our living situation almost 2 months ago due to the occasional fights and heart aches... and when he started breaking things again, the animals were becoming frightened and so was I. During this time. I have been very supportive, financially (helping him move out and be safe) and emotionally supportive of him also. But he verbally lashed out initially... said hurtful things. But he was at least mostly honest with me about what he was thinking and doing. He did what seems to me to have been indulging in the things he indulged in before us... he looked at porn again, started smoking again, and had initially said some hurtful things (called me a fool, said f*** you, you aren't what I hoped for).

Meanwhile I have called to see that he's alright, tell him he's loved, and sent encouraging messages despite his lashings out.

I love this person... and parts of me wants to take him back when he says now that he's quitting smoking, loves me, wants to belong to me, and wants to work on things... but the problem is he says more than he does.

He doesn't seem to understand or agree that love and loyalty are not words but actions. He only apologizes for particular things that I bring up that have hurt me, never does he apologize of his own accord. So I feel that he is either without true remorse or unable to see how he's hurt me.

Yet, when he does apologize it seems sincere and he has tears in his eyes. Maybe he is just avoidant of guilt. Often he will avoid things that overwhelm him in some way.

I keep in mind that he had a very difficult and unusually unhealthy childhood and that is quite likely the root of many of the struggles in his life and inner conflicts which cause him to interact with me and others the way that he does. But those can't be blamed for his choices and I'm very hurt and concerned things have not and likely will not change any time soon.

He seems to have a child-like level of emotional maturity, which is rather self absorbed and volatile.

And worst of all.. I feel that my trust was betrayed.

A recent example of the reminder of this...

He had a verbal altercation with his roommate guy recently, then told me he had a one-one conversation with this guy's gf who was there that evening (the roommate and his gf have now broken up)... he says oh it was political... I just wanted to hear her take on the event and on him.... the two of them talked about her relationship. To me that was inappropriate I don't see how talking to her at all, and talking to her about her relationship with this roommate guy was necessary to any of his purposes for how he would operate in this house or regard this troublesome roommate All the while, he has not given very much care to our relationship. I feel like he is not committed to our relationship and desires female friends. This is not ok with me :(

He went to a co-ed gathering/party of sorts, where he drank with a buddy. He knows I don't try to prohibit his going out and socializing, but I was hurt that I was not invited or welcomed to such a social scene... we are in a relationship after-all .. I would not attend things like that without at least inviting my significant other.

It's awful to not be able to trust that the person you're with will not hurt or emotionally abandon you.

I am afraid I am chasing an illusion. I have moments where I am strong and recognize that I have and I am being taken advantage of. I think I should just let go of this relationship, because we are either too un-alike or he is really too unappreciative of me and the relationship.

Too me, the dis-loyalties that have occurred amplify the other heartaches and I don't think I could ever feel happy or at peace because he seems to me to be so un-commited and untrustworthy. Yet I never want to see him hurt or alone. Ultimately I know and have known that I need to let go of him and a hope for a healthy relationship with him.

I don't need a rich guy... I don't need a handsome guy... I don't need a guy with a perfect shiny past and no flaws...

But I do need someone with a good and loyal, committed heart.

I know I need to let go, but I struggle so much to let go though. I really do. And I worry that he will suffer. feel sad or feel alone.

If you have any thoughts on my confusions and frustrations... please do share. He doesn't reach out to me, or even respond to my asking him to try. I feel a bit alone (hard for me to talk to family about this) and I'm very torn apart inside and would appreciate any and all insight.

Thank you

~Phoenix

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Hey Phoenix! I heard you are a returning member. Welcome back! In my opinion of this, I think you should just move on. I don't think he is worth your care. I don't know what could be wrong with him, but it sounds very difficult to fix. I understand that you still care about him and don't want him to be hurt. You could try to gradually distance yourself away from him. Take gradual steps, like try to occupy yourself with something other than worrying about him, maybe don't call/text him as often. Eventually you shouldn't be as worried and upset about him. But that's just my opinion, you will have to decide what you feel is right; whether he is worth the fight, etc.

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So am 99% sure that you know the answer to your own question. You need to leave him, sorry to say it. The truth hurts sorry.

First I would like to point out some red flags

"Sometimes it seems he is very selfish" Relationships are give and take and from what ive read he's taking advantage of you.

He is usually honest and often comes clean about the porn problem, his past, and giving his number out (but always well after the fact).

Personally to me that sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is just trying to get rid of the guilt. If he trully liked you dont you think he wouldnt be giving out his number? Let alone these are girls hes had a past with, so giving his number out to them is walking a fine line. Refer back to the selffish part. Gets his instant gratification or pleasure but then relizes what he's done but doesnt want to pay for the consequences. Hence giving out his number (tells you later). So he can feel better.....

"and when he started breaking things again, the animals were becoming frightened and so was I." I shouldnt even have to explain this.

But he verbally lashed out initially... said hurtful things. But he was at least mostly honest with me about what he was thinking and doing. He did what seems to me to have been indulging in the things he indulged in before us... he looked at porn again, started smoking again, and had initially said some hurtful things (called me a fool, said f*** you, you aren't what I hoped for).

If theirs one thing I learned is that people speak the truth when their drunk and angry. He meant every word of what he said. Think about it your supporting him financially you helped him move out of his house. If he leaves were will he go? back to his mothers house obviously, so of course he will stay with you for the time being. Think about it if he liked you why'd he give out his number? Why'd he say F u your not what I hoped for? Your a means to an end and he's using you until he can find something better.

"never does he apologize of his own accord." A true man knows when he's wrong, and knows when to apologize. If he was trully sincere he would apologize himself because he would know that he made a mistake. You shouldnt have to tell him, let alone for 2 1/2 years together he should know you well enough to know when your upset. You shouldnt have to tell him your mad at him or offended

Lastly like the last statement about the party.

Guys only go to parties looking for girls the fact that he didnt invite you is enough for you to know that, let alone he went drinking. So know if he did do something he could pull the "I was drunk card, it meant nothing."

HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE WANTS!!!!!

You've become that girl he knows will always take him back!!!!!

This is the last thing I will tell you so listen clearly!!!!

You are not responsible for his life, you are not his mother, It is not your responsibility to make sure that he becomes a functioning individualy in society. He is responsible for his desicions, he has to live with the choices he makes. Who cares if he had a rough child hood thats not an excuse for him to act out or act like a child.

Moving on is the hardest thing exspecially when you've invested so much time in that person, but trust me its worth it. Sometimes you have to take your losses and move on. Thats a sinking ship their and the life boats are leaving. Trust me ive been in your shoes. I know that feeling where you just want them to say something that will make everything better but it never happens. Sorry for the tough love but you need it. Start new and start over. You Deserve better!!!! Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Best of luck :)

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I'm going to be blunt Phoenix, you need to get out. Do you really want the spend the rest of your life (possibly another 50 - 60 years) dealing with this sort of behaviour? Do you want your children to witness this behaviour? Will this provide a stable and supportive environment for you and your children?

What about you? You seem to be giving all the love and support and receiving nothing but hassle in return.

This relationship is hurtful, you said it yourself, so you need to do the adult thing and extract yourself from a hurtful situation.

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I agree with what everyone has said pretty much. I would suggest not contacting him at all to see what his response is. This will tell you very clearly where his head is at. He seems like he has a lot of growing up to do and like he needs the help of counseling. I hope he will seek it eventually-but it isn't your job to fix him, he has to want to and do that himself. Sorry you are going through this, I know it must be very difficult.

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." – Erica Jong.

I can't thank you guys enough for the honesty, insight and encouragement. I got myself out of that unhealthy and abusive relationship and I'm healing and coming back home to myself now.

I heart your heart <3

-Sparrow

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He doesn't seem to understand or agree that love and loyalty are not words but actions.

SO TRUE. Any guy can say "I love you," but it takes a real man to show it. I would 100% rather my boyfriend show me love than say "I love you." It's a wonderful sentence to hear, but you don't need to mean it to say it.

I can see how excruciating this is for you. I understand what it is like to see someone you care about so deeply troubled and misguided, but it sounds like you have done everything you can (you honestly deserve some sort of Best Girlfriend Ever Award,) but you absolutely do NOT deserve this treatment. You are his girlfriend, not his mother or his guardian. I truly think you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. It is very abusive, and you deserve to be loved and treated with gentleness and respect. I know you are in love with him, which makes it so much more painful, but the person you should love most in the world should be yourself. I don't mean this in a selfish, shallow way. I mean you should never tolerate abusive behaviour, or settle for less than what you deserve.

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So am 99% sure that you know the answer to your own question. You need to leave him, sorry to say it. The truth hurts sorry.

First I would like to point out some red flags

"Sometimes it seems he is very selfish" Relationships are give and take and from what ive read he's taking advantage of you.

He is usually honest and often comes clean about the porn problem, his past, and giving his number out (but always well after the fact).

Personally to me that sounds like he has a guilty conscience and is just trying to get rid of the guilt. If he trully liked you dont you think he wouldnt be giving out his number? Let alone these are girls hes had a past with, so giving his number out to them is walking a fine line. Refer back to the selffish part. Gets his instant gratification or pleasure but then relizes what he's done but doesnt want to pay for the consequences. Hence giving out his number (tells you later). So he can feel better.....

"and when he started breaking things again, the animals were becoming frightened and so was I." I shouldnt even have to explain this.

But he verbally lashed out initially... said hurtful things. But he was at least mostly honest with me about what he was thinking and doing. He did what seems to me to have been indulging in the things he indulged in before us... he looked at porn again, started smoking again, and had initially said some hurtful things (called me a fool, said f*** you, you aren't what I hoped for).

If theirs one thing I learned is that people speak the truth when their drunk and angry. He meant every word of what he said. Think about it your supporting him financially you helped him move out of his house. If he leaves were will he go? back to his mothers house obviously, so of course he will stay with you for the time being. Think about it if he liked you why'd he give out his number? Why'd he say F u your not what I hoped for? Your a means to an end and he's using you until he can find something better.

"never does he apologize of his own accord." A true man knows when he's wrong, and knows when to apologize. If he was trully sincere he would apologize himself because he would know that he made a mistake. You shouldnt have to tell him, let alone for 2 1/2 years together he should know you well enough to know when your upset. You shouldnt have to tell him your mad at him or offended

Lastly like the last statement about the party.

Guys only go to parties looking for girls the fact that he didnt invite you is enough for you to know that, let alone he went drinking. So know if he did do something he could pull the "I was drunk card, it meant nothing."

HE IS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE. YOU ARE NOT WHAT HE WANTS!!!!!

You've become that girl he knows will always take him back!!!!!

This is the last thing I will tell you so listen clearly!!!!

You are not responsible for his life, you are not his mother, It is not your responsibility to make sure that he becomes a functioning individualy in society. He is responsible for his desicions, he has to live with the choices he makes. Who cares if he had a rough child hood thats not an excuse for him to act out or act like a child.

Moving on is the hardest thing exspecially when you've invested so much time in that person, but trust me its worth it. Sometimes you have to take your losses and move on. Thats a sinking ship their and the life boats are leaving. Trust me ive been in your shoes. I know that feeling where you just want them to say something that will make everything better but it never happens. Sorry for the tough love but you need it. Start new and start over. You Deserve better!!!! Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Best of luck http://forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/public/style_emoticons/#EMO_DIR#/smile.png

Truth be told.

RUN.

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