Guest markb4

How important is love in marriage?

44 posts in this topic

Hey all,

I was just curious, since I know we all come from different cultures and backgrounds, I just wanted to know how important do you think love is in a marriage? Undoubtedly, it's definitely important, I mean you can't marry someone you don't love. But, I mean do you think love is the one and only factor necessary to get married or do you belive there are other things such as compatibility, responsibility, independence, financial means, in-law relations, etc. that are just as if not more important than love? Thanks!

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I just wanted to know how important do you think love is in a marriage? Undoubtedly, it's definitely important, I mean you can't marry someone you don't love. But, I mean do you think love is the one and only factor necessary to get married or do you belive there are other things such as compatibility, responsibility, independence, financial means, in-law relations, etc. that are just as if not more important than love? Thanks!

Yes, love is the only and most important thing for me when it comes to holy matrimony. I would have to take the exact circumstances as they come... Soulmates don't come around every day though, you know? You've got to snatch them up before it's too late!

Hey Mark!

I completely agree with Bee regarding this matter! LOVE is the ONLY thing which should influence your decision to marry someone! :) I believe, other things like, compatibility, responsibility, independence, financial means, in-law relations, etc. are just side issues & omnipresent in any relationship. Every relationship comes with some ‘baggage’ & I really mean it! However, I feel they are no big deal & can be resolved through mutual understanding & talks, if there is a true connection between you and your partner.

A little concern, a bit of sacrifice, some tiny adjustments… isn’t that what marriage actually means in the long-term? :) It is my personal opinion that it is these private issues (or, differences rather!) that actually spices up the relationship! My parents have different opinions on almost every alternate topic & sometimes there are arguments too… but they are crazy for each other. ;) It has been 23 yrs & their marriage is still going strong!

Hypothetically speaking, if ones wants to avoid all differences associated with the above mentioned issues then he/she will eventually land up falling in love & marrying him/herself! LOL! :P:D Every individual… I mean every single one is different & the key to a successful relationship is to find a THIRD WAY for these ‘side issue’ (not my way or the highway kinda thing!) … so my advice “Love, Love, Love Alone…!†:)

Good Luck Mark! :)

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Hey markb4!

In my opinion, love is the most important thing in marriage. As long as you love each other, you can work on anything else. I'd say that's why a lot of marriages today fail: because people rush into marriage, then when the going gets tough, they find out their love wasn't as strong as they thought. Other things get in the way. I think that's of the most important reasons you should wait till marriage, because it means you really have to be in love and very emotionally intimate before you even think about getting married. If you have sex before you get married, I'd reckon that you'd be able to confuse love with lust. So then when you do run into problems later, you may well find that your love isn't as strong as you thought it was.

But that's just my theory. What do you guys think?

xxx

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"I read that after you're married you won't have that new/exciting love that you had when you first fell in love but that's okay because emotions come and go. My parents have been married 25+ years and my dad has told me, more than once, that love is more than emotion. Love is patient, kind, humble, commitment, sacrifice, among other things.

Love is a lot more than sex, lust, physical. I think the number #1 cause for divorce is breakdown in communication. Is it really a wonder why those who wait till marriage experience better communication? Maybe it's because they've experienced love in its "purest" form?"

I completely agree with that. My parents have been married 25+ years as well and my Mom said sometimes you start to sound/talk the same or can finish each tohers sentences. They've thought the same thing before at the same time and its WEIRD but cool and cute too :D

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For me, and my beliefs I think it's important, but love for me, at least the kind of love it takes to have a healthy and lasting marriage is far more than the mushy , butterfly, lusty feelings you have early in relationships.

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I think I'm the only one who disagrees to a certain extent!

I think love is very important in marriage and a marriage without love is definitely not my definition of marriage.

Here is a nice quote

Tom Mullen: Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we love the ones we marry.

But I definitely don't think that you shouldn't get married just be telletubbies cause you're in love. You may think it's love when it's not, if you're too young may not love the same thing after 5 years. I used to adore the when I was young and the disney channel and I used to think-how could I ever not want to watch this anymore? I love it too much but now I don't like it or love it.

I think you will know when it is the right person. You'll just feel it and everything will fit because not only do you have that sense of true love but they are compatible. I definitely think you need more than love. You should want similar things from life, want to do similar things have similar opinions on the really important stuff like kids.

A guy I know said when he met his second wife he knew straight away it was different. He knew he would marry and love this person more than anyone else and that as cliche as it sounded she was Mrs. Right for him. His first wife, he married because it seemed like the right thing to do. He loved her and they'd just finished university so it seemed perfect. It only lasted 3 years where as now he has been with his 2nd wife for over 20 years.

I guess most other things like compatibility will be the reasons why you fell in love with the person anyway but I think it's very important.

Finance wise-I think I find it a lot more attractive when a guy has a job, earns a decent wage and seems stable and it is very important for me that my family approves. They have the best eye for dodgy guys etc. and I trust them.

I definitely don't think love is enough to make a marriage or a relationship work.

I know lots of relationships that are really bad for both people but they stay together because they love each other or at least think they do. It's hard to watch friends put up with guys who cheat and are disrespectful just because they are in love them. They still talk of marriage and I just think that relationships based solely on love and a fear of being alone are just wrong.

I couldn't marry someone who I loved but knew wouldn't work in every other way. They will have to tick a lot of boxes in my case. I'm not going to devote myself to someone without thinking it through A LOT.

Hope that wasn't too negative!

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No, I agree w/u Anna.

I don't believe love is the number-one thing in marriage. Compatibility and finances (able to support yourself and your spouse) are huge factors that should be taken into consideration. But, from what I see, many people who are "in love", and marry "just for love", I think, fell into love while unconsciously already taking compatibility and finances into consideration. Sorry if that's a bit unclear. What I mean is from what I've observed, people fall in love, when they already have some kind of similar interests, which help compatibility, but they don't realize it at the time. And people marry for love, but they also possess the financial means of marriage, although they don't recognize it at the time. I'm not good at explaining things, so sorry if there is still confusion :) .

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I got what you said MARK… :) it’s a combination of all the factors that Anna has explained above that makes two individuals fall in love in the first place. It is hardly possible experience ‘true love’ with someone where the ‘future’ of the relationship is uncertain from the very beginning! Though I too am not very good with explaining stuffs either yet I think this is what you want to say. :lol: If it is so Mark, I completely agree with you! :)

ANNA – Great points! :) They are indeed very vital & are keys to successful marriages… but as Mark said, at least in most cases, they are sorted well in advance. The example which you gave is really an excellent one, completely depicting the points that you want to establish. Well to that I think I have only one explanation… the guy might have mistook a temporary infatuation for love & just rushed ahead with the decision to marry! After all, there is a big difference between ‘seemed perfect’ & ‘being perfect’. I am not at all saying that the man gave in to his desires or is a promiscuous guy as he married twice… what I am saying is may be if he had just given the first relationship adequate time he might have understood that she wasn’t the one for him. But, “to err is human, to forgive divine†… mistakes do happen & I am happy that he has found the love of his life! Again, this is what I feel… just a personal take on the issue. But you did a great job of focusing on such vital issues Anna, which the rest of us have nearly missed in totality. This is particularly why I like to read your posts & I look forward to hear more from you. Keep it up! :):)

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no i understand exactly what you're saying mark! Basically subconsciously everything had clicked and it just worked. Everything fitted into place after the connection was made and it all worked out in marriage :)

the teletubbies bit is obviously meant to be further down after i used to adore the haha. I edited it a lot and accidently moved it clearly! And i never proof read because it's too long and i'm lazy :P

my friend told me that he married her because it felt like it was the right thing to do and what he means by that is it seemed like the expected next step. I don't think he knew what else to do but get married and settle down.

Aww thank you very much Aditya! Glad someone enjoys my posts! :D

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i think love is important but there ore other thing more important, religion, class, how disciplined or relaxed the other person is (it would be hart to raise children with someone too relaxed about behavior lol), standard of life, general personality because some people are just wrong for each other, but then again they love each other. even there government party, im conservative. how they want there life to be what there future plans are. you have to find someone who wants the same thing you do otherwise it just wont work. you might love a non water but if there not wtm and you are it could become difficult (my friends have been through that, so have i) lol so yes love is important but its not the do all and end all.

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i think love is important but there ore other thing more important, religion, class, how disciplined or relaxed the other person is (it would be hart to raise children with someone too relaxed about behavior lol), standard of life, general personality because some people are just wrong for each other, but then again they love each other. even there government party, im conservative. how they want there life to be what there future plans are. you have to find someone who wants the same thing you do otherwise it just wont work. you might love a non water but if there not wtm and you are it could become difficult (my friends have been through that, so have i) lol so yes love is important but its not the do all and end all.

Totally agree!

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I've always thought that the key to a successful relationship... and not just romantic relationships, was how all of those factors mesh together. Love is a great, great thing, but if that's all you have, staying together would be very difficult. I feel like the combination of love, personalities, shared interests, differences (which can be essential to a good relationship... you don't want to be too similar in everything), behaviors, and personal creeds or outlooks on lifestyles all come together to give you a dynamic, and that dynamic is what makes a relationship what it is. So I guess I would say that love is absolutely essential, but so are other things.

Does anyone else get frustrated that we have only one word for 'love' in the English language? 'Love' means so many different things to different people that I think it makes conveying your stance in a relationship even more difficult than it already is. We really should have more.. like they do in Greek! :D

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I think marriages can work whether or not their is love in them. Marrying for love didn't become a common idea until the early twentieth century. I, personally, would only ever marry for love, but I know people who were in arranged marriages and they are perfectly happy together. Not in love, but best of friends. "Whatever works" is a motto of mine.

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I think marriages can work whether or not their is love in them. Marrying for love didn't become a common idea until the early twentieth century. I, personally, would only ever marry for love, but I know people who were in arranged marriages and they are perfectly happy together. Not in love, but best of friends. "Whatever works" is a motto of mine.

Totally agree w/u Sophie. The idea that marrying for love being the norm is relatively a new concept. And I for one am not against arranged marriages if both parties agree. (Just to point out that there IS a difference between arranged marriage and force marriage)

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I know in America we're all about marrying for love, but there are still some countries that have arranged marriages. I know that "it can work" but I don't want it JUST "to work" I want it to thrive :D I know it's not perfect; I just know that communication is a foundation of a great relationship---and you need to focus on making sure each other's needs are met =)

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Totally agree w/u Sophie. The idea that marrying for love being the norm is relatively a new concept. And I for one am not against arranged marriages if both parties agree. (Just to point out that there IS a difference between arranged marriage and force marriage)

Most definitely. And I am totally opposed to forced arranged marriages.

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I would have to say that to me, personally, love is the most important thing to me as if you truly love someone all the side issues won't matter as you would be more than willing to compromise for your true love.

I compleately agree with Sally in that I wouldn't want my marriage to JUST work I would want it to be amazing and romantic and loving even after being married for years, having children etc. And I am definately going to make sure that I always show my wife how much I love and care about her (and our children) as she will be my one true love, my soulmate, the love of my life and I will always love my wife from the moment I meet her for the rest of my life.

-Aaron

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Wow, that sounds really sweet ! I know what you mean; I have gained knowledge from my Mom and others who are older about how to keep things going once you get older, have had kids, etc. I think the little things are cute: i.e. my parents sitting otgether and working on a crossword puzzle (they're in the 50's btw), watching movies together, going out even when we didn't have much (dollar movie dates or dinners out with coupons ;) etc.

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I definately agree with you, as to me when you truly love someone its not about what you do but rather who you do it with. It doesn't matter if its a cheap date, cooking dinner together (or for her),writing her a love letter and leaving it somewhere she will find it or just spending time together (such as when your parents do a crossword together) not because you feel you have to but because you genuinely love and care about each other and you cherish your time together. That to me at least is what makes a perfect marriage, in my eyes anyway and I can't wait to finally find a relationship like this as it is all I have ever dreamed of my marriage being like.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this,

-Aaron

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I am in the midst of reading "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts" by Gary Chapman, and I have to say that the content of that book is certainly applicable to this topic :) I believe there is a distinction between being "in love" and the later mature love that couples reach. The "in love" stage is mostly an emotional high, which, according to the author of the book, usually lasts about 2 years max. After that, love is more of a deliberate choice to please that other person. I think that a major factor in people "falling out of love" and divorcing is that they don't understand that true love is more than emotional.

Granted, I am a single 21 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend, so I don't really have any experience with which to speak from on the subject, but I think it is really important in these modern days.

So, love, in the "in love" emotionally charged sense, is not vitally important in marriage, although it is a major factor in many people deciding to marry. What is more important, however, is the more mature, sacrificial love that comes down the road-a choice people should make if they want to continue to make their marriages work!

I would encourage everyone to read the book I mentioned above! It's very informative, and may help both married and single people in their search for love :)

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Amber, that is so ironic ! I actually was talking with my bff the other day about love and I took a quiz online coorelated with that book and author. I got quality time as ny top. Then, I got physcial touch and words of affirmation tied. Gifts were last. What abt you ? I'm just curious

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Amber, that is so ironic ! I actually was talking with my bff the other day about love and I took a quiz online coorelated with that book and author. I got quality time as ny top. Then, I got physcial touch and words of affirmation tied. Gifts were last. What abt you ? I'm just curious

My top is Physical touch, with quality time being #2, words of affirmation and gift receiving tied for 3rd; Acts of service last...I think in a way I'm "multi-lingual" with a bit of all of them being somewhat important to me:)

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Although I understand what most of you guys mean but I don't think love is the only and most important factor in a marriage. I think the most important would be love and respect. To me, I think if I don't respect my husband I must not love him...but that's just me and something I've just learned I suppose♥

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My top is Physical touch, with quality time being #2, words of affirmation and gift receiving tied for 3rd; Acts of service last...I think in a way I'm "multi-lingual" with a bit of all of them being somewhat important to me:)

Hey Amber!! I've actually read and have this book too! and am the same as you with physical touch and words of affirmation being my top love languages too! It is a great book!

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