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So I recently discovered that I was emotionally unavailable. I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops because I feel like this is so prevalent. For the last two weeks it's all I can talk about to my friends and family. Naturally I'm drawn to emotionally unavailable friends...so of COURSE Im going to try to help them out as well as this community. Indicative of this condition I feel a little uncomfortable putting this out there, hahahah. But regardless, how is nobody talking about this?! I even went through psychology courses discussing attachment styles and had no IDEA you had to have a secure attachment to BOTH a male and a female to feel alright about yourself. But glad to say, I have learned about the matrix and I hope to see you all on the other side. If all you like is jerks and witches, read on my friends. Dun dun dun... So here's how it all happened... Basically I've had failed relationship after failed relationship, always wanting what I couldn't have, never wanting what I could. I'm not going to talk about my personal relationship currently too much...but we are both unavailable emotionally, and my hope is that me and my boyfriend will become available in our lives, personal relationships and together, and he knows he's unavailable now that I spilled the beans. So anyway, I had heard from a friend that my current boyfriend was emotionally unavailable. I looked into it, thought oh okay that's nice but that's not him. Many months later... I'm wondering, How is it that this guy cancels, doesn't want to talk much on the phone, but doesn't want me talking to other guys or have an open relationship? Why would someone even care if they didn't want to get close to me? So I told him "You're emotionally unavailable, I can wait for you for X amount of time, then move on, etc etc." I became obsessed with figuring out what this guy wanted and how to be with an emotionally unavailable person. NONE of the things I read SEEMED to apply to me, Yada yada yada. Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend breaks up with me, I take a personal week to figure things out, I'm realizing my God relationship is lacking and maybe it had something to do with my father-daughter relationship. So Im like, wow I have this hole for a male that has been building up. Oh wait, I like guys like my dad, they're all emotionally unavailable, MAYBE I am too? No...So I dig and I dig, and I FINALLY come to the realization that I'm emotionally unavailable. And when I think about it, when this guy did come around a couple times it freaked me out, as with every other emotionally unavailable boyfriend who came around at some point and freaked me out, and BAM! I'm exactly what this guy is. So what is emotional unavailability??? Emotional unavailability is a fantasy-like relationship. When I first heard it I thought "Nooooo I do have relationships with people..." What I had was glimpses of relationships. I had an idea in my head that there was this perfect guy for me, look-wise, style-wise, music-wise, etc. Even when I would find someone like that, if they were "TOO" into me, it would scare me off. But the problem is when you start talking to someone you admire from afar, IF they're into you they get ugly all of a sudden. You start to make excuses as to why they're not for you, when really, maybe they're just more emotionally available than you. If they're not available, you make excuses TO be with them. It's basically like the difference between porn and real sex. Women aren't perfect like that, but they are real. Best example I can make. There are also situational and chronic types of unavailability. I have chronic (because of my father-daughter relationship) and when I break up with someone Im even more unavailable for a period of time, then I go back to my original limitation of availability. Situational being after a breakup...and/or loss. The rationalization for the chronic is when you admire either your male or female parent from afar, the type of insecure relationship you have with that parent is insecure. There are different types of insecurity but you model that in your own personal relationships (romantically or platonically). Your view of the world is changed as well, the risks you take, choices you make and relationships you make. It's almost like a forced relationship, and what your parent lacks in relationship, your mind makes up for in fantasy. Either way, this is how you see the world: inconsistent, unsafe and stressful, and yourself with low self-esteem. As a defense mechanism your body closes you off from anything or anyone that is too close, conflictual, or consistent. When you choose people more emotionally unavailable than you, or at least within your range of availability, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. That way, when/if you do decide to put yourself out there, the person backs off from you, thus confirming your prophecy that you're worthless and unworthy of a loving, attentive, working relationship. If the other person decides to open up to you, you back off and that confirms their self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling unloved as well. When you see people too closely you have absolutely no idea how to effectively deal with conflict, care for someone or connect on a deeper level with someone in an actual real life relationship. So basically I'm trying to 'stomach' dating an ugly dude because people like me are shallow and see relationships and the world in general from afar. Never letting anyone in, never taking much risk, never getting hurt or having fun to my full potential. But the thing that gets me is the times I've done anything to swallow my pride and said to myself, "Why are you doing this? You're better than this you have to stop this." But feel compelled to fill the male hole in my life. THAT feeling is the one I aim to get rid of so I can have a loving, fulfilling relationship where I'm valued and respected, even though at this point I feel like that will never happen. How do you become available? I listed a bunch of risks and I'm working my way up to doing all of those. If you want to read online there is a whole list of things, as well as youtube videos which I've DEVOURED. But some random characteristics are me/these people avoid anything consistent, can be late, but just because they're on time doesn't mean they're not unavailable, inconsistent in what we/they say and do, avoid conflict, avoid risk, glorify exes (since they're unattainable) etc etc...I talked to my dad recently, he's in denial of his own unavailability. So I'm going to a therapist this week for one session, and asking that he come with me for the second. Im so done being like this and am SPRINTING in the other direction. The last two days all I do is try new things, deal with conflict instead of avoid it, deal with things instead of avoid them. Here is my own personal list, but as Im getting through my day, I'm realizing this whole thing affects EVERYTHING in my life. Best of luck to you out there who can't find relationships!!!!!! Look into it online if any of this sounds familiar, I had a hard time swallowing it too and best of luck. List of things I do to avoid rejection or conflict because of my emotional unavailability: -Buying clothing online so I don't have to return it if it doesn't fit and deal with the company or I have to get packaging etc etc -Changing to the left if theres merging in the right line of the freeway -Being on time so I can put off the pressures of socializing, if someone flakes out or my work asking me to clock in early if they see me at work early and I look bad for saying no or I get bored when I get there But sometimes it's still not that and I just have bad time management >< LOL -Calling to follow up or applying in person for jobs -Doing anything on a consistent basis to avoid monotony or the feeling of being trapped in a routine or obligated AKA church, working out, practicing piano, calling or texting people on a consistent basis who don't avoid me -Dancing in public -Car dancing -Having my music loud around other people in case they think it's stupid -Leaving my curtains open so people don't see me from the street and judge me -Talking to customers at my work randomly in case they think Im stupid -New songs for fear of not liking them -New foods for fear of not liking them -Staying in the room if someone's rude or threatening to me unless they are more unavailable than me -Singing in public -Getting rides with other people to places or avoid being stuck far with friends or others in case I want to leave and they don't or I just get stuck somewhere -Goingto a workout class in case I get stuck and everyone looks at me funny and makes fun of me for leaving -Staying on the phone too long so I don't get left on the phone by myself -Staying at hangouts too long so I'm not left Procrastinate: -Important things because at least I know something is waiting for me versus doing it and risking having no one to hang out with or nothing to do if I do it right away -Important things in case it doesn't work out and I have to have persistence -Doing the other half of my eye-makeup -Feeding my pets I also build myself up to other people and brag about guys wanting me said in joke form to make people think Im desirable. These are only the negative ones or things I wish I could do some are positive and functional SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH. And anyone else feel free to add to this or correct me on anything.