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Eva and Zac have been married for 5 years and have two young children. Lately Zac has felt that he and Eva are drifting apart. It became more apparent to Zac after they had their second child about a year ago. He can’t figure out what to do to make it better. He’s scared that his wife has stopped loving him since they had kids and uses his traveling for work, among other things, as a way to justify them drifting apart. Zac feels his value as a person is based solely on how he is as a father. He feels like he and Eva are not even married anymore, just two people who live together and take care of the kids. Zac admits he’s not a very good father since he has to travel a lot for work. That's the big issue now. He admits he has to make some changes to stay home more so that he can be with the kids. As the sole breadwinner, working in a senior position in a field where his skills don't naturally translate to other professions, he’s having a hard time finding another job. Especially since they moved to Eva’s small hometown to be close to her family. At work, Zac feels people value his opinion and listen to what he has to say. Although at home he says his wife throws tantrums calling him "selfish idiot" and calls his explanations for being away so much "bad excuses". Zac says Eva seems to genuinely believe that he would prefer to be away from her and their two kids and it's made her resent him. They haven't had sex in at least 14 months and if he brings it up she shuts him down immediately, saying something like "The way things are, I'm not at all interested in sex." Zac loves his current job and doesn’t really want to start a new career in a new field, but he will do it if it means a secure income and a happier home life but he’s scared that it won't get better. Since they aren't romantic at all anymore (with the exception of a kiss goodnight or possibly a hug after a bad fight) he’s terrified that "the job issue" is just a placeholder for something much worse, that she doesn't love him anymore and that will become painfully obvious if he quit his job. He’s at a loss and every day that goes by they seem to drift more apart and fight more frequently. Let’s kick this off so we can operate on this mess. What are your thoughts on what’s happening here? Does Eva have reason to be behaving the way she is? Are Zac’s concerns valid?
Naturally posted a topic in Topics About Waiting and/or RelationshipsHey WTM’ers, So I don’t know about you, but when I’m having conversations with my family and friends about problems they’re having in their relationships my opinions are frequently dismissed. I’m told “You wouldn’t understand because you’ve never been married” or “You have no Idea, you’re a virgin”. Well I happen to think that we virgins know quite a bit about sex and relationships (Possibly even more than those in them!) Why? Because we’ve spent years researching them, observing them, and being mindful in how we approach them. I would even say that we virgins have a unique ability for evaluating conflict and disagreements that often married people don’t have: objectivity. Married people are too close to the problem which biases their opinion of the issue and often disables them from having an objective, non-partisan perspective. I frequently post scenarios that have occurred with my friends or that I’ve encountered in the virtual-world because I want an objective, mindful assessment of what the conflict is about, who is causing it, whether the behaviours are warranted, and how the issues can be resolved. For these solutions I’ve turned to you, my Virgin Therapists! And I have not been disappointed. We’ve been having insightful, earnest, in-depth discussions on already posted scenarios that have served to broaden our understanding about complex issues faced in relationships, analyze behaviours and responses deemed acceptable and unacceptable in marriage, and have become more sensitized to the needs of the opposite gender. It’s been so educational and rewarding for those participating I recommend we continue the discussions on scenarios such as these under the heading ‘Virgin Therapists’ or perhaps if proven to be popular, admins could even set up a specific section for these debates to take place. So if you’re having a conundrum in your relationship, witnessed a feud between a couple, aware of a disagreement in a marriage, or even just come across a scenario online post it under the title ‘Virgin Therapists’ and the WTM community will come out and debate the issue. This is more than just your opinion, we want your arguments. Whatever the scenario, you’re guaranteed to get advocates for both sides of the debate. You should also join in the debate as we tease out the scenarios and question the bigger issues such as sexual vs emotional needs, the optimal relationship paradigm, gender-specific concerns, marital expectations, double standards, the polemical issue of manipulation and much much more! So let’s use our unique skills of empathy, conflict resolution, and objectivity to try and understand, relate to, and resolve relationship issues while we grow in our understanding of one another. Take a look at some of the most recent examples below and let me know if you’re in favour of ‘Virgin Therapists’ because I’ve already got a few scenarios saved up and I’m rearing to go! Peace out, WTM fam. http://forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/topic/5763-withholding-not-manipulative-just-angry/ http://forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/topic/5771-what-would-you-do/#comment-83788
Theoretical situation: Jane and Adam are married. Jane works in advertising and landed a major project. Jane works on the project emphatically which sees her arriving home at midnight and leaving for work at 6am for two months straight. Adam works too although barely gets to see Jane in the evenings and on the weekends and when he does she’s always stressed and frustrated about her project. Adam and Jane haven’t had sex in the last two months and he feels disconnected from her both physically and emotionally while Jane has been too stressed with work to notice. Adam discussed this several times with Jane over the last two months although the discussions often ended in an argument about how Adam doesn’t support her in her job and how he doesn’t understand how important it is to her. Jane is to present her project at a large event which includes dinner and mingling with all members of the company including the executives and clients. Three days before this ostentatious event Jane and Adam fell into another argument about the lack of intimacy in their relationship. Jane shouts that it’s only temporary and that if he really loved her he would be considerate in this stressful time in her life and understand why she’s been too exhausted to get in the mood. Adam shouts back that she’s never in the mood, and that he’s consistently helped out at home while she’s been working and that if she really loved him she would make an effort. Adam slept on the couch that night and for the next three days both Jane and Adam have been stubbornly ignoring each other. The morning of her event Jane and Adam still weren’t speaking. Jane really wanted Adam to come to her event as they planned weeks ago but she wasn’t sure if he was still going to go, following their argument. Jane really wanted Adam to come so he could see the result of all her work over the last two months. Partners were also invited to the event and it was important to Jane to have Adam by her side. Swallowing her pride, Jane mustered up the courage to ask Adam whether he would come tonight. She sheepishly walked into the bedroom where he was getting dressed for work. She stood quietly for a moment until Adam noticed her. Tying his tie in the mirror he saw Jane in the background and after 3 days of ignoring his presence he wondered what inspired this bold move. Jane waited until Adam turned around when she asked dryly “are you still coming tonight?” Your move, fellas. If you were Adam, what would be your response and what would you do?