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Found 32 results

  1. Hi Everyone! I am a 23 year old woman who has decided to WTM, but I have had sex before. I wanted to start this discussion to find out more about the other non-virgins on here (I guess I was just curious), and I have a few questions for you guys and girls: How many partners have you had sex with? What made you change your mind and decide to wait till marriage? Do you think it's harder to wait, having had sex before? Have your partners been understanding of your decision? Are you waiting to marriage to have any sexual contact, or will you be having "anything but" sex during your relationships? Do you think not being sexually active has improved the quality of your romantic relationships? Do you think you will end up getting engaged/married more quickly once you find "the one", so that you can be intimate with them? Do you worry about marrying someone, only to find out that you are sexually incompatible? I'll answer some of these for myself: I have had one sexual relationship, with my ex-boyfriend. Growing up, no one in my family ever talked about sex, and the idea of waiting till marriage was never mentioned outside of a religious context (Catholicism). None of my friends waited, and I never thought about waiting either. However, I was quite guarded when it came to any form of sexual contact, and I was hoping to wait for "the one". When I started dating my ex, at the age of 21, I was SO SURE we would get married one day, and we had sex. But then, a year a half later, I realized that deep down I wasn't happy with him, and we broke up. Now, I feel guilty for not waiting for my future husband...almost like I cheated on him, even though we haven't met. I am hoping that, when I find him, he will be accepting of my past. I know firsthand that "retroactive jealousy" is a really awful thing, as I had a really hard time thinking about the fact that my ex had been with 4 girls before me. I always wondered if he compared us, and now I'm scared that my future husband will have those same feelings. However, I am really determined to wait, no matter how long it takes. I believe that waiting will make my future relationship and marriage stronger. Without sex in the beginning, we will really be able to communicate, even about difficult things, and make sure we agree on major issues (money, children, where to live, etc.) before taking the next step (marriage). I do worry a little about sexual incompatibility, because I have a high sex drive and I would hate to be sexually frustrated in a marriage (this was a major issue for me in my relationship). However, even that seems like something that can be candidly discussed before tying the knot. Thanks so much for reading...I know this is a long post, but I would love to hear from you all!!
  2. I am 22 and I am never approached by men. I live in America where men are notorious for approaching women. Yet, strangers (both men and women) tell me that I am beautiful/pretty. I talked to a guy and he assumed I had a boyfriend, when I said no, he was in shock. He said I am a very beautiful girl and that he sees ugly women with bfs all the time. Yet, I am confused as to why men never seem to approach me in public anywhere or ask me out? Only sometimes guys look at me but nothing else happens. I have only been approached maybe one time in public like 5 years ago by an older guy who told I was beautiful. Not even creepy or weird guys approach me but I don't go to bars or clubs. Do any other women have this problem of being told they are attractive but not approached by men? What is wrong with me if I am supposedly pretty but no guys are approaching me?
  3. How i it usually when you date another person who's waiting until marriage? I recently started dating this guy from online who's also waiting until marriage. This is my first time dating a guy who's waiting until marriage too. He's also a virgin and we never talked about past relationships, so I'm not even sure if he had his first kiss.I'm a virgin waiter too, but I dated a lot of guys before. I'm not sure if he's just different or if he's not interested. We went on three dates so far. He smiles at me a lot, always pays, and is extra nice. However, he never compliments, flirts, or touches me.He accidentally touched my hand when we were walking, but that was it. I don't understand why he wouldn't even show that he's interested when we're together, but continues to ask me on dates. It's so confusing. Is the experience usually different when two waiters date?
  4. I know we're all WTM, so clearly sex would happen after we're married. But I after reading some posts on the site, I realise some people would prefer marrying young, others later in life; some people don't want kids, some people want a house full!; etc. So, here's my question for you all. Imagine you could have your ideal future like you've got it planned out in your mind - what ages are you/after or before what do you want whatever to happen? I'll give you my scenario for an example/template. Ok, I'd like to have finished studying before I get married. That would be around mid 20s, but then I'd like to be a few years into my career so I'd prefer late 20s. I'd like to be with Mr Right a couple of years before engagement and then if this happens when I'm still studying, have a long engagement. I don't know if I want to have kids, but if I did, I would want them in my mid to late 30s OR I would like to have been married for at least 5 years before kid or kids come along. Of course I realise that life isn't as simple as this, but IF IT WERE, what would your dates/times/etc be? DISCUSS
  6. Traits You Like

    Hi People I'm asking this in both the Girls and Guys forums. WHAT sort of little traits would you like in your significant other? I'm not talking tall, dark and handsome or kind and caring, etc. I mean like: (here's a few of mine but I'll add a post later) if he sees litter on the ground, he'll pick it up and throw it in a bin he loves animals with a passion, especially dogs he has me walk on the inside of the pavement That sort of thing. So, guys and girls - what little things would you like Mr/Mrs Right to have/do?
  7. Traits you like

    Hi People I'm asking this in both the Girls and Guys forums. WHAT sort of little traits would you like in your significant other? I'm not talking tall, dark and handsome or kind and caring, etc. I mean like: (here's a few of mine but I'll add a post later) if he sees litter on the ground, he'll pick it up and throw it in a bin he loves animals with a passion, especially dogs he has me walk on the inside of the pavement That sort of thing. So, guys and girls - what little things would you like Mr/Mrs Right to have/do?
  8. Hey, it's the resident WTM pessimist I've been seeing a lot of "it will only happen if you believe it will happen" statements. I'm just curious...what are the facts backing these statements up? So you're saying that if I believe I will be the Premier of China, or if I believe I'll own a Bugatti Veyron (a $1.4 million car), it'll happen? Are there really forces of nature that control what happens based on what a person believes? If that's the case, then I'll never find another woman for the rest of my life, since it's what I believe based on past and current experiences. And another one that confused me, people also always say that you have to give up on love to find love. How does that make any sense? If everyone gives up on love and isn't looking for someone, then how can anyone find love? Since both parties are not looking because it's the only way to find it, they also cannot find it because neither of them are looking. Also, how can one truly give up, when it's essentially an instinct to find someone. So technically, you can never truly give up anyways. It's like one of those time-travel-kill-your-grandfather-type of situations I guess... Just curious about what you guys think.
  10. So I recently discovered that I was emotionally unavailable. I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops because I feel like this is so prevalent. For the last two weeks it's all I can talk about to my friends and family. Naturally I'm drawn to emotionally unavailable of COURSE Im going to try to help them out as well as this community. Indicative of this condition I feel a little uncomfortable putting this out there, hahahah. But regardless, how is nobody talking about this?! I even went through psychology courses discussing attachment styles and had no IDEA you had to have a secure attachment to BOTH a male and a female to feel alright about yourself. But glad to say, I have learned about the matrix and I hope to see you all on the other side. If all you like is jerks and witches, read on my friends. Dun dun dun... So here's how it all happened... Basically I've had failed relationship after failed relationship, always wanting what I couldn't have, never wanting what I could. I'm not going to talk about my personal relationship currently too much...but we are both unavailable emotionally, and my hope is that me and my boyfriend will become available in our lives, personal relationships and together, and he knows he's unavailable now that I spilled the beans. So anyway, I had heard from a friend that my current boyfriend was emotionally unavailable. I looked into it, thought oh okay that's nice but that's not him. Many months later... I'm wondering, How is it that this guy cancels, doesn't want to talk much on the phone, but doesn't want me talking to other guys or have an open relationship? Why would someone even care if they didn't want to get close to me? So I told him "You're emotionally unavailable, I can wait for you for X amount of time, then move on, etc etc." I became obsessed with figuring out what this guy wanted and how to be with an emotionally unavailable person. NONE of the things I read SEEMED to apply to me, Yada yada yada. Shortly thereafter, my boyfriend breaks up with me, I take a personal week to figure things out, I'm realizing my God relationship is lacking and maybe it had something to do with my father-daughter relationship. So Im like, wow I have this hole for a male that has been building up. Oh wait, I like guys like my dad, they're all emotionally unavailable, MAYBE I am too? No...So I dig and I dig, and I FINALLY come to the realization that I'm emotionally unavailable. And when I think about it, when this guy did come around a couple times it freaked me out, as with every other emotionally unavailable boyfriend who came around at some point and freaked me out, and BAM! I'm exactly what this guy is. So what is emotional unavailability??? Emotional unavailability is a fantasy-like relationship. When I first heard it I thought "Nooooo I do have relationships with people..." What I had was glimpses of relationships. I had an idea in my head that there was this perfect guy for me, look-wise, style-wise, music-wise, etc. Even when I would find someone like that, if they were "TOO" into me, it would scare me off. But the problem is when you start talking to someone you admire from afar, IF they're into you they get ugly all of a sudden. You start to make excuses as to why they're not for you, when really, maybe they're just more emotionally available than you. If they're not available, you make excuses TO be with them. It's basically like the difference between porn and real sex. Women aren't perfect like that, but they are real. Best example I can make. There are also situational and chronic types of unavailability. I have chronic (because of my father-daughter relationship) and when I break up with someone Im even more unavailable for a period of time, then I go back to my original limitation of availability. Situational being after a breakup...and/or loss. The rationalization for the chronic is when you admire either your male or female parent from afar, the type of insecure relationship you have with that parent is insecure. There are different types of insecurity but you model that in your own personal relationships (romantically or platonically). Your view of the world is changed as well, the risks you take, choices you make and relationships you make. It's almost like a forced relationship, and what your parent lacks in relationship, your mind makes up for in fantasy. Either way, this is how you see the world: inconsistent, unsafe and stressful, and yourself with low self-esteem. As a defense mechanism your body closes you off from anything or anyone that is too close, conflictual, or consistent. When you choose people more emotionally unavailable than you, or at least within your range of availability, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. That way, when/if you do decide to put yourself out there, the person backs off from you, thus confirming your prophecy that you're worthless and unworthy of a loving, attentive, working relationship. If the other person decides to open up to you, you back off and that confirms their self-fulfilling prophecy of feeling unloved as well. When you see people too closely you have absolutely no idea how to effectively deal with conflict, care for someone or connect on a deeper level with someone in an actual real life relationship. So basically I'm trying to 'stomach' dating an ugly dude because people like me are shallow and see relationships and the world in general from afar. Never letting anyone in, never taking much risk, never getting hurt or having fun to my full potential. But the thing that gets me is the times I've done anything to swallow my pride and said to myself, "Why are you doing this? You're better than this you have to stop this." But feel compelled to fill the male hole in my life. THAT feeling is the one I aim to get rid of so I can have a loving, fulfilling relationship where I'm valued and respected, even though at this point I feel like that will never happen. How do you become available? I listed a bunch of risks and I'm working my way up to doing all of those. If you want to read online there is a whole list of things, as well as youtube videos which I've DEVOURED. But some random characteristics are me/these people avoid anything consistent, can be late, but just because they're on time doesn't mean they're not unavailable, inconsistent in what we/they say and do, avoid conflict, avoid risk, glorify exes (since they're unattainable) etc etc...I talked to my dad recently, he's in denial of his own unavailability. So I'm going to a therapist this week for one session, and asking that he come with me for the second. Im so done being like this and am SPRINTING in the other direction. The last two days all I do is try new things, deal with conflict instead of avoid it, deal with things instead of avoid them. Here is my own personal list, but as Im getting through my day, I'm realizing this whole thing affects EVERYTHING in my life. Best of luck to you out there who can't find relationships!!!!!! Look into it online if any of this sounds familiar, I had a hard time swallowing it too and best of luck. List of things I do to avoid rejection or conflict because of my emotional unavailability: -Buying clothing online so I don't have to return it if it doesn't fit and deal with the company or I have to get packaging etc etc -Changing to the left if theres merging in the right line of the freeway -Being on time so I can put off the pressures of socializing, if someone flakes out or my work asking me to clock in early if they see me at work early and I look bad for saying no or I get bored when I get there But sometimes it's still not that and I just have bad time management >< LOL -Calling to follow up or applying in person for jobs -Doing anything on a consistent basis to avoid monotony or the feeling of being trapped in a routine or obligated AKA church, working out, practicing piano, calling or texting people on a consistent basis who don't avoid me -Dancing in public -Car dancing -Having my music loud around other people in case they think it's stupid -Leaving my curtains open so people don't see me from the street and judge me -Talking to customers at my work randomly in case they think Im stupid -New songs for fear of not liking them -New foods for fear of not liking them -Staying in the room if someone's rude or threatening to me unless they are more unavailable than me -Singing in public -Getting rides with other people to places or avoid being stuck far with friends or others in case I want to leave and they don't or I just get stuck somewhere -Goingto a workout class in case I get stuck and everyone looks at me funny and makes fun of me for leaving -Staying on the phone too long so I don't get left on the phone by myself -Staying at hangouts too long so I'm not left Procrastinate: -Important things because at least I know something is waiting for me versus doing it and risking having no one to hang out with or nothing to do if I do it right away -Important things in case it doesn't work out and I have to have persistence -Doing the other half of my eye-makeup -Feeding my pets I also build myself up to other people and brag about guys wanting me said in joke form to make people think Im desirable. These are only the negative ones or things I wish I could do some are positive and functional SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH. And anyone else feel free to add to this or correct me on anything.
  11. Who here besides myself is still a virgin waiting for marriage and why? Just curious... Thanks lol Born agains are welcome too Feel free to friend me / add me / google chat with me / whatevs lol - I'm friendly!
  12. TOP 3 REASONS WHY I STOPPED DATING by Christi Luv (originally published 2/22/14) 1 - The Exhausting Lies 2 - The Annoying Games 3 - The Insulting Objectification Greetings. You may be an avid dater, or you may not. You may have sought a date with me, or you may not. You may be single, or you may not. But either way, recent events with multiple individuals have compelled me to write this little opinion / experience blog, and share with anyone whom it might interest just why I stopped dating a while ago, and why I'm not convinced that I should resume any time soon. You're welcomed and encouraged to give me your honest feedback! I - The exhausting lies are too tiring and time wasting to sort out and filter through. II - The annoying games are too frustrating and stressful to play defense against. III - The insulting objectification is too disrespectful and demoralizing to tolerate. I - The lies and language that I have to decode when trying to get to know guys is so exhausting and time consuming that I lose interest (and patience) for the whole dating process. Here are just a few examples of such tiring translation toil discoveries: "I own my own business" = "I'm unemployed" "I'm GREAT with kids" = "I have 10 kids and you look like their next sexy baby mama" "I'm 6 feet" = "I'm 5'9 and 1/2" "I'm a photographer" = "I shoot my own collection of porn with any dumb dingbat who'll take her clothes off for me" "I'm a rapper" = "I'm a delusional wannabe who never had a strong positive male role model in my life, growing up as a child" "I'm mature" = "I'm a dirty child molesty pervert, old enough to be your daddy, with 3 ex-wives who all hate me with a passionate venom that would scare Hitler" "She cheated on me because I work hard" = "She cheated on me because I ignored the crap out of her and I would like the opportunity to ignore the crap out of you too" "Oh awesome! I'm saving myself for marriage too!" = "I started saving myself for marriage 5 seconds ago, when you told me you were saving yourself for marriage, but really I'm gonna try my damndest to get you to go as far as possible in the opposite direction of chastity" "I don't like girls who need attention" = "I don't like being in a relationship" "I don't have facebook" = "I don't want you to know who I really am or see that I may still be in a relationship with someone else, while I'm hitting on you..." "How bout you come over to my place?" = "How bout I rape you?" or "I'm a serial killer" "I work from home" = "My mom still does my laundry" "I'm a business traveler" = "I'm a settled married man with 3 clueless kids and a clinically depressed wife and I was hoping you'd be one of my young pretty dumb whores in this city" "Meet me where I live" = "I don't have a ride and I plan to charm you into becoming one of my various female chauffeurs..." "I like younger women" = "I like clueless objects that I can control" and "I'm a very small man inside, yes, younger men are braver than I am" "Drama follows me wherever I go" = "I keep pursuing the wrong people" "I, I, I, I, I" = "I'm a chronic narcissist, so there's no room in my world for anyone but meeeeeeeeee" "I saw this girl do this thing that wasn't nice or got her in trouble..." = "Please don't do that-- Oh and I kinda suck at direct communication, cause I coulda just said that, and that woulda been an enlightening conversation that would have deepened and developed our relationship, but instead I had to passively aggressively give you this 3rd person story for you to pick up the subtle hints on, which is a lot more work than anyone should feel they have to do in a friendship or romance... See how many minutes of our lives this type of communication just wasted?" "Everyone's a pervert, so stop looking for good people..." = "I'm the biggest pervert in the world, but I'm insecure about it, because I know it's f*d up, so I have to rationalize and justify it, by convincing you, me and everyone else that everyone's a sick perverted f* like me, which is absolutely NOT true, but it makes me feel better about my crusty self, to force my pervert ideology onto you" "Damn you're gorgeous!" = "Damn I wanna f* you!!!" "I LOVE your innocence" = "I would LOVE to destroy your innocence" "Girls are too complicated" = "Relationships are too hard" "I own 3 vacation houses" = "I will pay you for sex" "I'd love to be your sugar daddy" = "I will pay you for sex" "I want to spoil you" = "I will pay you for sex" "The ladies love me" = "I'm a whore" or "I want you to think I'm a whore" "Casual sex is healthy" = "I'm still definitely a whore" "I use to be a player" = "I use to be a whore, but now I'm getting old and I need a wife, so I won't die alone. So can I please pour all my gross old ugly baggage onto a pretty, sweet, young thang like you now?" "I want a girl who can take care of herself" = "I want a girl who can take care of me" "I want a woman who stays busy" = "I don't really want a relationship, I just want a shallow, superficial business arrangement that involves a lot of physical connection and very little emotional connection, but I don't want her to notice that that's all it is, to avoid the risk of her cutting me loose at any given moment, when she actually finds something real with another guy" "I like it when a woman chases me instead" = "I'm gay" "I do a lot of computer work" = "I'm a gaming fanatic" "I don't know why nobody likes me" = "I don't know how to fix my painfully annoying (or scary) personality" "I look like Blair Underwood" = "I look like Flava Flav" "I look like Michael Ealy" = "I look like Rihanna" "I look like Zac Efron" = "I look like Jonah Hill" "I look like Taylor Lautner" = "I look like Megan Fox" "I look like Mario Lopez" = "I look like George Lopez" "I look like Bruce Lee" = "I look like that naked Asian guy from The Hangover movies and Community" "I'll NEVER leave you hangin" = "I'll ALWAYS leave you hangin" And the list goes on and on till the break of dawn... It starts off entertaining, but then it just becomes draining. And as a famous viral video star once said, "Aint nobody got time for that!" II - Now lets talk about the annoying games: A ) The Chasing Game B ) The Dating Game C ) The Claiming Game The Chasing Game {(A) Game #1} is when the guy tries to manipulate a girl into dating him (or dating him again), instead of actually listening to her wants, needs or comfort preferences. So instead of molding his game to fit her, he tries to mold her to fit his game. BIG mistake. Many guys do this. There are 3 levels of it. Level 1 - The Fake Connection Level 2 - The Sales Pitch Level 3 - The New Girl 1st - The guy pretends to connect with the girl on things that interest or matter to her, but he doesn't really care about these things or have serious interest in them. It's all just a blind, calculated tactic to trick her into thinking they share a connection. 2nd - The guy blindly pitches himself to the girl without really hearing or understanding her objection, and without truly understanding the objection, you can't effectively overcome it. So instead of hearing her problem and looking for a way to solve it (or wait it out), he just tries to blindly bash her over the head with his thoughts, feelings and desires, and then, just like all the other guys, who failed to realize they weren't the first to try this angle and fall flat, he gets surprised when it doesn't work. 3rd - Finally, the guy brings another female (or a fake non-existent female) into the equation, thinking the grass is always greener, and since women are known for their jealousy, and people are known for their superficiality (meaning the shallowness of not seeing, liking or fully appreciating someone until you see that someone else wants them), he tries to manipulate the girl that he REALLY wants into thinking that he's dating somebody else, who is usually either made up, OR an easy girl who's always been available to him, who he doesn't really want that badly, but might settle for if he can't get the girl he really wants. NOTE: But this tactic only works on smart girls AFTER they've gotten to know you, spent time with you, been romanced by you, and have decided, for sure, that they actually want and like you like that. A smart girl is NOT going to like you more just for being wanted by another woman, when she hasn't even decided that she trusts you enough to take you seriously like that for herself, or she simply hasn't let you all the way inside her heart yet. A smart girl has to know who you are, connect with you, and take you seriously, before she can be truly possessive over you. You have to build a relationship of some kind for that to happen. There must be an emotional bond first. A history with each other. Otherwise, she'll just cast you off into the friend zone for an eternity, assuming you were never seriously interested in getting to know her, as a long term romantic prospect. She certainly won't like you for acting like a prick to her, under ANY circumstances. If anything she'll hold your rude behavior and deceptive acts against you. And it's never good to lose the respect or trust of a smart girl... Cause then it's hard to win her back. So The Chasing Game = FAIL. Then there's The Dating Game {(B ) Game #2}. This is when the guy actually gets the girl on a date with him, be it an exclusive date, or (usually) unexclusive date, just to get to know each other. This is when the guy tries to manipulate the girl into either being exclusive with him, or sleeping with him, or both, by acting like someone he's not, or by molding himself to fit her likes, or both, instead of just experiencing the dating process naturally, and getting to know each other honestly. So instead of seeing if they click mutually, he tries to force the click and fool her into thinking they're a perfect match-- which is both dishonest, dangerous, and a big waste of everybody's time-- if you're not really a good match for each other. Level 1 - The Fake Wealth Level 2 - The Clone Likes Level 3 - The Hidden Emotions 1st - The guy goes broke spending all his cash to impress the girl, which is truly sweet, but he's not honest about it. He pretends this is a normal, common date for him, fooling her into thinking he's always going to romance her like this, then he holds it against her later when she expects something he set her up to expect. Meanwhile she resents his dishonesty and bait-n-switch routine, plus he acts miserable, cause he's broke now lol. 2nd - Then the guy acts like he's deeply connected to all the things the girl likes or cares about, pinpointing specific hot button issues that he knows or suspects that she holds dear-- and he copies and pastes her real personality profile data into his false personality profile template, acting like her twin, to fake compatibility with her. It's admirably ambitious, yes, but disturbingly fraudulent as well. 3rd - Finally, and this is the most common level of the dating game, because unlike the 2 more ambitious positives to reach for, this is a very easy negative to simply fall into. In an effort to seem cool, or to manipulate her into thinking he's a big, emotionless tough guy (which doesn't really exist unless you're a hitman or a sociopath), the guy will hide his emotions and true feelings on matters, from the girl, instead of honestly, directly communicating to her, how he feels, what he thinks, or what he's been through. He deliberately hides his own personal truth from her, likely out of fear that she won't think he's a man, if he opens up to her honestly and directly, which is a real issue with dumb girls and mean girls, but smart girls and nice girls will NOT *EVER* hold your humanity against you, or think less of you for being honest about the depths of your true feelings. We will ALWAYS appreciate and respect you for opening up to us and being honest, sensitive and emotionally intimate with us. ALWAYS. Because we crave emotional intimacy, we thrive on it. Plus that's one big way to get a special place in our overly emotional hearts lol. We'll even understand you better and be more consciously gentle with your heart-- once you reveal to us that you have one Too many guys are too insecure to expose their hearts, even to nice girls, thus the girl never lets him into her heart. Because trust is a 2-way street. I know, it's a vicious cycle, right? I guess timing really is everything... So The Dating Game = FAIL. Now we have The Claiming Game {© Game #3} - Yes, the Claim Game begins. This is when the guy tries to manipulate the girl into being exclusive with him, usually before he's truly bothered to get to know her. He just sees her (maybe even dates her briefly), but he decides that he wants her aaaaaaaaaall to himself (often when he sees that other guys want her or like her), yet he hasn't bothered to get to know her properly, and in too many cases, he hasn't even taken her out on a date yet, and sometimes they haven't even met face2face yet. But yet he just wants to stuff her in his pocket, before spending any real quality time and/or romance with her, and then he often holds it against her when she refuses to go along with this oppressive, often 1-sided pathology. Level 1 - The Scary Guilt Story Level 2 - The Secret Spy Ops Level 3 - The Insulting Style Offense 1st - The guy tries to scare and guilt the girl into not socializing with any other members of the male species, by telling her a scary or sad (or both) story, about the bad behavior of another girl, and how she either hurt or embarrassed her boyfriend. This is to do a couple things. This is to 1 - Manipulate the girl into thinking of the guy who is telling the story as her boyfriend, before he's actually reached that level of the video game, 2 - Shame the girl into feeling bad about hanging out with her current male friends, so she'll stop it, and 3 - Frighten her away from making any new male friends, even if romance never develops, and the guy and girl have not even solidified an exclusive relationship with each other yet. 2nd - The guy goes into recon mode on the girl, using soft interrogation, like asking deliberate questions in the frame of casual conversation, stalking her online, monitoring her actions, spying on her secretly, and looking for any evidence of her reaching out to others in any social capacity, especially if she looks attractive to guys. It's considered manipulation because he pretends he's not doing it or that he's too busy to call her back or text her, yet he's following her around online, watching her every move, leaving fingerprints of his presence without realizing it. This is undoubtedly the creepiest level of The Claim Game. But there's more... 3rd - The guy styles on the girl. He basically acts like a douche to her, usually without saying why, if he can even put it into words, but also, if he admits to her that he's reacting to her innocent behavior that he saw whilst he was spying on her (or playing her) like a creep, then he would have to then finally come clean and admit to her that he's been spying on her (or playing her), which is actually much worse than what he's acting mad about, and it makes him the bad guy, thus taking away his staggeringly hypocritical right to feign self-righteous angst, and instead, giving HER the right to be pissed at HIM, on at least 2 counts (1 - spying on her and 2 - styling on her + maybe 3 - playing her). NOTE: This can mean purposely ignoring her, purposely breaking your word to her, purposely embarrassing her, or purposely lashing out at her via conversation, like a hip-hop reality TV star or athlete, trying to save face in a rap battle / cast reunion show or the big game, instead of being real with her, like a sane, honest, mature individual. It's hard to get a girl to ever consider claiming you or letting you claim her once you break this trust barrier or make her feel unjustifiably disrespected. It's easy to get her to despise you or simply lose interest in you though. So guys, never get to this point. Nice girls will find it hard to forgive, tolerate or like you again after this level of emotional retardation has been reached. Plus, come on, nobody likes to feel insulted or be disrespected, and nice girls, just like nice guys, do NOT deserve that kind of treatment-- EVER. So The Claiming Game = FAIL. All these various games stress me out, absorb massive amounts of my emotional energy and deter me from wanting to be bothered with relationships at all. Because the audition process is so draining, complicated and frustrating. Even just for friendship, which is what it usually ends up as. This is only one of the many reasons why I have a love/hate relationship with humanity lol. III - So now finally we come to: The Insulting Objectification issue. First, we had The Exhausting Lies to sort through. Then we had The Annoying Games to battle against. Now we have The Insulting Objectification to escape. I put this one last because even when the lies are filtered through, and the games are paused or squashed, usually the shallow superficiality of trophy wife objectification remains -- and this is where most of my marriage proposals from guys come from. Many guys have told me they wanted to marry me. Many guys have told me they loved me. Many guys have told me they never wanted anyone more than me. Many guys have told me what every girl wants and needs to hear at least once her life. Repeatedly. So why don't I appreciate it? Because I don't believe them. I believe THEY believe them, when they say these things to me. But guys lie to themselves more than women do. So if you don't ever bother to get to know me, then you don't ever deserve to own me. I will resent you for trying to keep me all to yourself, like a pet rock, if you don't do the real work of getting to know me and deeply connect with me. Either we're in this together, or you're in this alone, buddy! But either way-- you are not gonna take me off the throne in my life, just so I can be a footstool in yours. Either we're a team, or you're a bachelor and I'm a free agent. Either we will conquer the world together, or I will conquer it without you, and eventually with someone else. But either way, I'm not gonna stop being a shooting rock star in my world, to be nothing more than a pet rock in yours. I would rather actually be alone, then to feel alone in a relationship. Because at least when you're single, you can mingle with your admirers and other single friends. But when you're alone, by yourself, in a relationship-- that's the loneliest, most painful, hard-to-explain, diminishing, and self-esteem-shattering feeling in the world. And I know this from the personal experience of being there. That is quicksand swamp that I will NOT go back to. So I'm flattered by your desire for me, but I will hate you if try to make me your trophy wife. Because I'm not a thing. I'm not a doll. I'm not a rock, plant or pet. I'm not a friggin stray cat. I'm also not your child. I'm a human being. I'm a person. But I'm also your mutual equal-- Your softer, gentler, prettier team-mate lol. And if you don't treat me like that, all the flattery and money in the world won't get me to love you, like you or keep you in my life. It's exciting when guys compete for my hand. But it's insulting when guys try to bag me like a lifeless prize, like I'm just an expensive sports car, without knowing or caring about my heart, soul or mind. Because chasing me when you know me, is the highest most flattering honor. But just trying to collect me, with no aggressive interest in learning who I am, just because I'm pretty or talented or wanted or I sparkle more than the other girls do, is the most egocentric, shallow, superficial, annoying, exhausting, insulting and pointless excuse for a loving relationship that I have ever encountered. I was tricked into that by my 1st bf-- I will NOT be duped into it again. I LEARN from MY mistakes. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'm so happy and grateful to be wanted. But I'm so tired of almost nobody who claims to want me ever really truly trying to know who the BEEP I am! They want the gift without opening the box! Just because it's wrapped so pretty or cool and fun-looking. But I will not be your gift if you refuse to open me. I will never be ANYONE'S gift-- until they bother to unwrap the paper. That is my protest. That is my lament. That is my LITERAL "boy"-cott. That is my emotional cause. I am passionate about never again being "owned" by anyone who refuses to look under the hood and see what or who is actually inside. Take it or leave it. But that's my stance. IN SUMMARY: 1 - You don't get to own me until you get to know me. 2 - If you use manipulative games to catch me, your manipulative games will lose me-- And that is too much work to constantly be doing in a romance when relationships are already work as it is. Why you wanna add more work with silly games? And I assure you, if you gotta play games to catch a fish-- you gotta keep playing games to keep that fish-- and that is way too draining and exhausting, as time carries on, especially if either of you actually has a LIFE. 3 - I don't date liars, and I don't even prefer them as friends either. I prefer to keep my distance from liars because I don't want their disease of deception to infect any part of my life. Also, remember this: You cannot hide who you are from somebody and then expect them to like you for who you are, when all you've done your entire time with them is pretend to be someone you're not. Now look-- I don't know who's a serious gentlemen or just a really convincing fool, but I do know that I'm not actively seeking any romance in my life with anyone right now. I was really just looking for a Valentines Date lol. Or a Valentine Friend. Not a boyfriend or a part time lover. But now I have all these seemingly decent guys knocking down my door, and I don't know what to say to any of you. Cause I don't have anything to give you. I'm drained and busy and not interested in the exhaustive audition process that is dating, which is the basic way that you get to know if someone may match you well in a romantic context. Yes, I'm usually curious about meeting new people with the laidback awareness that it could (though most likely won't) later lead to a long term romance, or (more likely) a close friendship. But right now, I have a lot of creative projects, family matters, and a social club to deal with, so I don't have the emotional energy to give to the exhausting lies, annoying games, and insulting objectification, that is the dating and romance world (AKA the people world-- cause honestly, even "friends" stress me out.) And I'm not even a hi-strung person at all. I have a Taurus Moon for pete's sake! My emotions can tolerate a lot lol. But its been my experience that whenever I rely on people, they let me down. Bad. But whenever I rely on ideas, God and myself, I succeed. See, the 1st phase of my life I spent trying to be understood and make best friends. The 2nd phase of my life I spent trying to save my generation and lead my fellow youth to the promised land. The 3rd phase of my life I spent trying to be liked and connect with new people, as the closer, familiar people in my life either moved away, got sick, or died. Then most of the new people I connected with either let me down, or vexed me. I have nothing to show for any of it. Now the wise old soul in me calls that, "Valuable Lessons Learned". But the ambitious young mind in me calls that, "Valuable Time Lost". Time I can't recoup. A wasted investment. But when I create, share and market recorded independent self-contained projects that don't require social loyalty to move forward, I always have something to show for my time spent on this planet. I always have proof of my natural contributions to this universe, that God put me in, for some reason. So now, in this phase of my life-- I'm building my kingdom. And it will be MAGNIFICENT. A kingdom that will last and won't get knocked down or washed away by the ocean shore, in a split second, like all the other types of kingdoms do. This is why I've consciously decided to put most or all of my energy into building my kingdom of the creative soul, the moral intelligence, the life education, and the altruistic humanitarian help that I believe I was put on this earth to give. I hate to sound jaded or mathematical about it, but relationships are untrustworthy, fickle, unpredictable and can fall apart like a house of cards, at a moment's notice, if you haven't thoroughly vetted your partner, yourself or your circumstances. And I'm not the master of vetting people, trust me. "People" are not my strength. "Ideas" are my strength. "People" are just my interest and need. But not my strength. Because People = Politics-- and I suck at politics lol. So in this phase of my life, I'm going to play to my strengths, which is IDEAS, and if I happen to fall in love along the way, fine. But until then, or until vetting is properly executed, the only lover I belong to is me, and no one is allowed inside my bed besides my future husband. PERIOD. That is all why I stopped dating. And I'm not convinced I should bother with it again, until I'm independently rich and famous lol Or secretly rich and unknown... Thank you. Come again. Have a lovely day! ♥
  13. Hi all! I'm in a bit of a problem and would like advice from people. I am 19 years old and have been dating my current boyfriend for 2 years. I made it clear to him when we first started dating that I was waiting for marriage, and although he wasn't, he said he would wait for me. We are both virgins. Beginning a couple of months ago, our relationship started to take a rocky turn because of this. He REALLY wanted to have sex and my refusal to caused him to start sexualizing a bunch of other women (which would mostly occur if he were to find out it was easy to get them in bed or that they sleep around) and caused him to feel heaps more attracted to them than he was to me, and he began watching pornography more often. Basically his eyes were wandering and although he was "still in love with me" I was no longer as physically attractive and he had a heavy preference for other women. He said a lot of hurtful things to me because of it and it almost caused a break up until he told me how sorry he was and how he was gonna change his behavior and completely knock pornography because it hurt me a lot. This was all taking place during our first year of college. We're home now, and his behavior has improved significantly. His attraction to me has gone back to how it was before sex became a major issue for him. When I asked him why his behavior changed so suddenly, he told me he felt more pressured to party all the time and have sex with loads of beautiful women because that's what his friends were doing and told him that he should be doing the same because "it's ridiculous that his girlfriend has not slept with him after 2 years". Being home apparently puts less pressure on him to do that. I was talking to him last night though, and now I'm beginning to have my doubts about whether a waiter and a non waiter can truly be together. He told me part of him is still very angry at me for not sleeping with him, because he knows the only reason he is not having sex is because he is with me. The comment upset me and I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the night. So I want to know. Can a waiter and a non waiter be together? Should I try to make it work with my boyfriend, or should I dump him because it's obvious that sex is too important to him right now? Does he have a right to be angry and should I be the one apologizing? Do you think I will have the same issue when we return to school? All help is truly appreciated. Just sleeping with him is not an option. I've been struggling with this issue for a long, long time, but compromising my morals for the sake of a boy is just something I will never do.
  14. Dating sites?

    Hi there! I'm curious about dating sites and the relationships one might find using them. Are there dating sites specially-dedicated for waiters? Is it hard to find someone to date who is alright with waiting till marriage but is not extremely sociopolitically or religiously conservative? Which dating sites are the best for people like us? I really do want to find my soul mate one day but feel like the search is extremely difficult. :/
  15. So my best friend in this entire galaxy is this boy. He's my same age, 17 (or will be in like a week), we have the same interests, same thoughts, we have talked all day every day for about the past 6 months. And of course we hang out tons and do exciting things, and teach each other new things. I have never met anyone like him, I'm definitely in love with him. I'm his best friend too, I'm one of the very few people he is close with. But, yeah, he has a girlfriend. It hasn't been long, just a couple months, and before that we were a thing. And when I found out that he had eyes for this other girl, of course I made him choose. And he wanted to be with her in that way. Two weeks later, he confesses that he regrets his decision entirely and that he's way more compatible with me than his girlfriend. They disagree on some important religious things, and their hangouts/dates are usually very routine and he didn't like it. But she is very attached to him. It's been a months since then and he's still with her. He says he couldn't bring himself to break up with her, that he didn't give it enough of a chance. He says that she feels like the right choice right now. But he says that he sees a future with me. And he's reiterated that so many time that he truly sees something for us in the future. He knows how unfair he is being and he knows how much of a jerk he seems and he apologizes and says he deserves no pity and that he just feels so awful. I told him a week ago that I have to leave. He means so much to me, he's my best friend, that is SO much to leave. But I tried very hard to make it work, to put my feelings aside and wait a while. But I'm drowning over here, it's devastating. So I told him I have to leave. Let him go completely, so I can move on. That's the only way I'm going to. He begged, pleaded for me to stay. He said he "could not f***ing live without me" and that he'd "fall apart". He said I mean so much to him and he knows this is selfish but he needs me...I do not feel obligated to stay because of this, but what I do feel is that I need him too. He said he knows 2 things: 1) He's not in love with her. But he "likes her a lot" 2) It would be so hard if not impossible to be happy without me in his life. He said that it's ultimately not her. But he never said that means it's ultimately me. He won't tell me why it's not ultimately her, he says it's too hard to say right now and it makes him feel terrible and that he'll tell me soon enough but he didn't want to talk about it right then. He said that he wants me to hold on to the hope that we'll be together at some point and to wait for the time when him and his girlfriend are no more. He didn't mention when that would happen, if it was soon or months from now. But what I do know is that I'm hanging on by not even a thread - but a single fiber of that thread. He realizes and I realize that he sounds so terrible, which is hard to accept because he cares so much about others and he is a very guilt-stricken individual who HATES hurting people. And that guilt makes him do stupid things. Being patient is hard. And I don't know if it is right. I change my mind a lot. Does anyone have advice on what I should do? I'm sorry I know that was a long story. Any personal experiences that relate? I want to be with him so much, but not as a friend forever. I just can't.
  16. Made in His Image

    For those of you on facebook, check out: Look at the first post: "The only safe sex is between husband and wife" #reallove
  17. Ian shared this with me and Ioved it! Hope you all check it out too
  18. Great read whether you're in a serious relationship or not!
  19. Great read about sex myths!
  20. What is the proper way to deal with jealousy? Lets say hypothetically that Im dating this guy and he gets upset because another guy was talking to me. So he starts bombarding me with questions, who was that guy? why were you ta--- and this is where I get irritated and shut down. I dont do well with conflict, am I wrong or being inconsiderate if I just wanna curl up in a ball and roll away at this very moment? should there be jealousy in relationships? is it unhealthy? And when tiffs occur I immediately want out, I just feel like if the argument is pointless why have it? its just too stressful but people tell me that in normal relationships these things happen and they are near impossible to avoid But some arguments help you grow and you learn more about one another... So then what is the best way to deal with these? because in the past whenever arguments have occurred I usually just sit there quietly thinking of ways to!
  21. I don't usually recommend books. However, I read this book years ago, and it has proven very true to life, so the message sticks with me. I just wanted to share it here. In the book, Tim LaHaye describes the 4 temperaments/ personality types: phlegmatic, sanguine, choleric and melancholy. I believe that I've found the book so helpful because it helped me to identify my own personality as well as those in relationship me. As result, I think that I've been able to relate to others more effectively. Also, I'm not as perhaps critical of others because I realize that they do certain things simply because they are wired that way by God, and we are not all wired the same. Therefore, not everyone thinks like me (or vice versa) and that's okay. Anyway, has anyone else read this particular book? If not, I hope people would read it prior to marriage because it could help you understand your partner and kids better. I know the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman is extremely popular, but this book spoke to me in a way that love languages didn't. Again, I guess it just depends on your wiring.
  22. The other day, I went to church and after service we had a picnic. I started talking to another church member and we got on the topic of marriage. She told me she was married at one time but divorced him. She realized he was not Mr. Right even though he was in church, he even went to the same church she did. However, she never had any kids which she regrets now because the marriage didn't last and now she's too old to have any even if Mr. right were to be revealed to her now and she doesn't date. She also was celibate until she married this guy so of course she had no other opportunity to have kids because she was trying to do what she thought was right. He actually disappeared one day and she filed for divorce but it's currently in limbo. After she told me all this, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Now that I thin about it, there are probably a lot of Christians and women in general who have this problem. This topic kind of hits close to home with me because I'm almost done with college but there seems to be no prospects of any guy being the one for me that I've met so far. Sometimes this scared me because i'm in my 20's so I have a while before my biological clock starts ticking but I think sometimes about what would happen if I meet the one or who I think is the one when i'm too old to have children. I really want to have kids, not this very second but sometime after I graduate college. I also know in this day and age, getting married and then having kids isn't that common but that's how I want it to be for me. My question is what would you do if you decided to become celibate for religious reasons until you get married but miss out on having kids due to age because you got married later in your life or because your relationship didn't work out before you had a chance to get pregnant?
  23. Blended Families

    Hey everybody, it's been a minute since I've been on here. I've been going through some things in my life. My mom, who I'm extremely close to, has recently found her Mr. Right. I should say he found her at our church. She recently found out he is attracted to her and they've been dating for a couple weeks now. However, we found out that he is a minister...A real minister, not like the ones you see on tv lately who molest kids and whatnot. Anyway, he comes over to my mom's house sometimes to spend time with her and he talks to me too. I'm just having a hard time adjusting to the fact that my mom is dating. She hasn't dated anyone since her divorce which was 7 years ago. She raised me as a single parent before she got married so besides her marriage, I'm used to it just being me and my mom against the world so to speak. I like her new boyfriend but besides time which I admit patience is not a virtue of mine, I don't really know how to handle this situation. This is the only relationship my mom has been in where she's been treated the way she is supposed to be ( he respects her, has manners, he accepts the fact that me and my mom are shy and they have the same religious views, they have a lot of things in common so far among other things. I've been in this situation before regarding having to deal with a new man coming into the family when my mom got married 7 years ago except I was a lot younger at the time so this time feels different. This new man and my mom are not rushing things but it definitely looks like they'll be getting married in the future ad he has kids my age. I've never had step siblings before. Does anybody know what I'm talking about or going through? Feel free to respond.
  24. ...If marriage is right for you? I ask myself this question Im not saying Im destined to be alone but I know when I get married I might be with that person pretty much EVERY SINGLE DAY and thats alot for me. When Im in a relationship with someone Im fine with seeing them a couple times a week, anymore than that and I feel smothered. My last boyfriend wanted to text me everyday and I wasnt used to it but I tried it, after a while I felt drained and upset all the time I just didnt like having to contact someone every freakin day. I also havent had the chance to live ALONE yet (maybe thats why Im like this) and I REALLY want to do that first before getting married. I just really enjoy my me time but yes I also will enjoy spending time with the one I love. Ive read about marriages where people live in separate houses or sleep in separate beds and theyve been happily married for many years, I dunno if I would do that but I guess it was good to see that its possible to be happy while not being with eachother all the time. I just know I'd have to marry someone that understands me because there are days when I just dont feel like talking at all and normal people take offense to that, they think I maybe upset or sad but I just don't wanna talk that day. I dont mind listening to other people talk but if it requires me to initiate anything I get annoyed, then I feel bad for making a friend feel bad. There are also days where I want complete silence...and then I hear some people say "when you find him you will want to be with him everyday" but I know myself and I need some time alone. Anyway with the way I am, I do often fear that Im not marriage material or that if I find a great guy I will ruin it with my introverted ways? Ive heard some people say marriage isnt for everyone and with me wanting to be a Fashion designer that made me worry even more because the top female fashion designers that I know of are all single/divorced...Yes I like being alone at times but I dont want to be lonely forever and die sad and alone that would be horrible. is anyone else this complicated?