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Everything posted by Selina

  1. Hi! From my own observation, the above thinking is very common across multiple cultures - in particular Indian/ Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Sri Lankan weddings, as well as in Afghani weddings. It is probably common in other cultures from countries across the Middle East as well, but I don't know for sure because I've never been to a wedding where the couple is from Saudi Arabia/Iran/Iraq/Yemen etc
  2. What Matters Most?

    By the way - in a study break, I was going over some of my random past posts to see if I've changed at all in over 3 years - and this was posted around the same month I started dating my to-be-husband. Too funny! In retrospect, I noticed that he meets the entire list - and his strongest qualities are near the top of the list. He was even WTM! Haha. Ok ok time to stop procrastinating and time to do some work!
  3. This is a tough one. In the Eastern tradition, weddings are usually about the family (which includes the bride and groom), rather than being centred around the bride and groom. So for example, for my wedding, my parents and my groom's parents' opinion counted just as much as ours did with the planning! So we had to take everyone's values and priorities and try to come up with a solution that benefitted everyone - which was difficult! For example, one of the three days of our wedding was considered to be the day where the extended family comes and blesses the new bride and groom - and cutting out that day is like telling family members that you don't care about their blessings! On top of that, my parents were both well known in our community, so not inviting community members would have been seen as very disrespectful, and a lot of people would have been hurt. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes big weddings in certain traditions happen in an effort to honour family member traditions as a sign of respect to the family. I'm not saying that it doesn't come with its own caveats - a three day wedding is generally more expensive than a one day one unless you plan very carefully Even though I have a simple non-materialistic personality, I also wanted ensure that my family members felt valued - so I expressed my simplicity in other ways - like having a smaller reception, a cheaper decorator, a more simple reception dress and make up etc, choosing 'home' for one of the events and a very cheap hall for another event . Luckily we managed to save a lot of money that way, and it ended up being around the same cost as an average American wedding.
  4. Celebrity Crush

    ^ Hmmm interesting. I think that some small amount of physical attraction can sometimes happen to people after marriage, but I would add that there are active steps that one can take to lower the development of any further attraction or emotional attachment - thus preventing infidelity. Examples of actions include not opening up/being vulnerable with certain people, cancelling out time with 'distractions' (including soft or hard core porn, or excessive amounts of romance movies that set unrealistic expectations etc), spending more time/communicating more with one's partner etc. In today's world, fidelity and other ethical behaviour require ethics but also the wisdom to examine and regularly reflect on one's actions and habits of thinking From observing others, I can conclude that cheating on one's partner doesn't happen overnight. There are small things - habits of thinking ('he/she never gives me gifts!' 'I wonder what life would be like with someone else) and small innocent actions ('innocent' friendships with others that include venting about one's partner) that can add up quickly into something big. Big mistakes can be further prevented by not being naive about the small things.
  5. This is a super interesting question. I understand that you might get a lot of different answers to this one. My personal view is that although I'm religious, I'm a little uncomfortable with the concept of virginity being associated with 'pureness/purity'. It has an automatic association that non-virgins are hence more 'impure', which isn't something i agree with, as I know some amazing and not-so-amazing virgins and non virgins. Also, if one associates lack of sex to 'purity', it can sometimes inherently causes a personal dislike or aversion of one's own sexuality - and it's important to feel comfortable about one's own sexual feelings (and not dismiss them as 'bad' or impure) before marriage. Also, coming closer to your question, the concept of purity has traditionally been seen as a feminine attribute, similar to the characteristics of fragility and innocence. If we attribute the experience of first sex after marriage to a 'sacred' kind of experience to motivate one's own self to WTM, instead of concentrating on keeping pureness of one's own self, then it solves a lot of problems. Males and females could both lead lives in anticipation of having eventual sacred experiences, since the feminine nature of 'purity' wouldn't exist . A non-virgin would not necessarily be valued less than a virgin, because 'purity' wouldn't exist, but there would be value placed on the experience of having a sacred nature of the first sexual experience after marriage itself. Finally, there would be less aversion regarding sexual feelings and thinking of sex in general (as one's 'purity' would not be impacted); hence there would be an easier positive mental transition to a sexually active lifestyle after marriage. But that's just my own theory about how I motivated myself to WTM there are multiple equally valid answers out there!
  6. I was very involved in community work and mentorship at the time, and I was looking for younger people to recruit for my team in order to make a bigger impact. He made some comments in a town hall meeting as to why we needed more community initiatives - and since I thought he was about four or five years younger than me (he looks young!) I approached him and encouraged him to join my team. Then I proceeded to friend-zone him, and give him lots of advice during our work together. Again, I thought I was being a good 'older' mentor! and three months later I found out that he was actually older than me. And then I fell for him. oops! ...we continue to work together today, although now I have his last name
  7. Celebrity Crush

    Hello! This is an interesting question! You seem to be frustrated by how faithful people can be, which is certainly a valid and justified reason to be frustrated - considering the prevalence of infidelity. However, there is reason to hope as well. Relationships and marriage in particular do take time and work - there are times that I think my husband is the best man on the planet, and there are times that I get irritated about some minor things. The point is that both patience and strong morals are really underestimated in our fast-everything society. If we didn't have the patience to sit down and work through any disagreement, perhaps we would have worried about whether we married the 'right' person. I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't think he had an extremely strong ethical sense - and I suspect that he thinks the same way. If someone has strong morals, then the idea of cheating would be much more repulsive and 'crazy' than the idea of dealing with marital hurdles.
  8. Hello! This is going to be a bit of a strange answer since my husband and I are actually Muslims! However to answer your question, it has definitely strengthened our faith. Both of us had decided at a young age to give ourselves towards humanity and service towards God, so we spend a lot of time volunteering together in mosque, and because of our busy lives, that time running and developing programs becomes our 'together time', where we are working together for a big purpose - it's very fulfilling, and if you have good communication, you can make a big impact together! We also enjoy discussing our relationship with our Lord with each other, which I think strengthens our faith and also strengthens our relationship with each other ! I have to say - the only thing better than praying and serving is praying and serving together
  9. This is an interesting question. I would say that the most important things to remember are to be patient and 'put yourself out there', either on a website, or get to know other people in similar environments - faith based communities etc. My background - I'm married (you can find my story in the Articles - Sexless in the City columns) and I originally had more trouble trying to find someone who would accept me for who I was. Even in religious communities, there are people who are religious but are certainly not supportive of WTM. I've dated one of them, but I don't have any regrets. I later married a fellow WTmer who I met through my religious community who I got married to I would say that its important to get to know more people, and talk to potential partners about beliefs and views early.
  10. A little awkward, a little painful but very very beautiful, very emotional, and totally worth waiting for. I would agree that it is critical that you have a lot of communication before that night .
  11. We dated for a year and were engaged for a year as well! If the question is about the right amount of time before getting married, I think it also depends on maturity and whether each of the couple knows what he/she wants, knows his/her own life priorities etc. For example, I knew that I wanted someone who would join me during prayer so that I didn't have to always choose between staying at home with my husband and practicing my faith regularly. I also wanted someone who wouldn't think twice before helping others, volunteering for a good cause etc, and I wanted someone who would respect my desire to always learn knowledge and apply it to helping people. I also knew that I wanted someone who would get along with my family, and whose family I could identify with. So I purposely found out all of that information within the first couple of months, before the strong feelings developed
  12. All right, I know you guys are going to kill me for only reading posts and not posting for ages (except as articles on the main page as part of Sexless in the City) BUT IM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (next summer!) Sorry I just wanted to announce it we've booked the venue and the planning is going to be a mess because I have a gigantic family, but that doesn't matter!!! Wow this has been a long way! I joined this site when I was 25, and I'll be 27 on the big day! Actually to be honest, I've needed a lot more strength - since we confirmed the date, keeping up the WTM has been requiring so much more courage. It helps because he is also intent on WTM, so I can keep this up for him as well as myself!!! Just wanted to thank you guys for keeping my head straight during these last couple of years - really looking forward to interacting and talking with more of you!!
  13. I would love a small wedding, as I have a pretty simple down to earth personality. The problem is, I have more than a hundred 'close family' because both my parents have many siblings... and that's just my side of the family. And traditionally, our culture calls for three or four day weddings. AND if you don't do some of the ceremonies, some of the elder family members get offended and hurt. So I've decided to demand the 'simple' part by just having a very very simple wedding dress, a cheap hall, and a caterer which is very low-priced. But it's still going to be unnecessarily overdone and expensive *groan*.
  14. Wish I found this sooner!

    Welcome Emma! The one word of advice I can give you is that, accept and respect other people during college - but never feel ashamed of who you are! Always feel confident and love yourself - and you will get a lot of love and support from this forum!
  15. it can vary between 3 and 9.5 depending on my mood I think that age had something to do with it... when I was 18, it was more like 0 and 2.... and now that eight years have passed, there are much more pent up feelings
  16. Would you date a guy who's still living at home?

    This is an interesting topic. In a lot of cultures, a guy who is living at home is actually to be socially valued, because sometimes it means that he is taking care of his parents. The newly wedded wife actually comes to live with the husband and his family. If we are talking about a single man living at home, and if the reason is low economic status, I don't see why not. Except I'd be interested in knowing what he does for his parents, since his parents do a lot for him. Does he help out around the house and help with the groceries? Has he come up with some kind of application plan or temporary measures? These kind of questions would let me know he character of the guy - is he living at home because he is lazy and feels that it is his right to receive assets from his poor parents without working hard? Or is he working hard, trying to save money, and trying to help out his family at every opportunity? I would base my decision on the character of the guy
  17. Being a Second Choice

    Being 17 is really hard. And first love is extremely difficult. All I have to add is that, you will never be happy until you first learn to love and respect yourself. Think of a close friend who you love and respect dearly, and imagine her telling you this story. You would probably tell your friend to stay as far away from that guy as possible, because you love and respect your friend. The fact is, the person you are in love with does not respect you - otherwise he wouldn't be saying this. As soon as you start loving and respecting yourself, you will have much less patience for a guy who does not treat you with any respect...regardless of how much you're in love with him
  18. Dating Advice

    Hi Karthik! Interesting post! Not drinking or not smoking is an Indian/Pakistani cultural thing, in Western societies, there is less of a taboo about drinking. The problem with saying your feelings right away, is that the girl will feel you have less value if you show that you are thinking 'I wonder if she likes me' rather than 'I wonder if she would be a good match for me?' If you show too many feelings right away, the girl doesnt feel like she needs to prove her value to you, which means that your perceived value goes down in her eyes. Being an introvert is fine, but then how are you supposed to meet people who have common interests? I would recommend going to sites like Meetup, in order to find out ways you can meet with people with common interests
  19. I would have to disagree with the above - not everyone can be influenced into thinking that WTM is special, especially if they themselves are non-WTM I have mixed feelings about this topic... I think it all depends on how much this guy ends up loving you, and how much self-control he has. In a relationship between a WTM and a non-WTMer, there is going to have to be a lot of self control by both your part, and by his part as well. If you dont feel like he'd be able to cope with months and months of abstinence, then there might be a red flag. It might get harder for him after the first month or two! However, if you do feel like the person will love you enough, and if you think he can genuinely cope with the change in lifestyle, then go for it Very difficult situation!
  20. This might sound stupid, so please don't laugh I once mutually broke up with a serious one year relationship with a guy who was more experienced than I was, because I was really nervous about hanging out alone in a private bedroom setting. I think he just wanted the cuddling and the privacy, but I was always really worried that in that kind of setting while cuddling, I'd lose my control completely. I was more worried about the way I would behave than the way he would behave - so I don't feel like this was a trust issue. There were also other big reasons for the break up, but this was one of the major ones. I do understand his rationale, and I find the idea of just cuddling in an apartment nice and sweet but unrealistic for me. On a day to day basis, I feel like I'm a very sexual/sensual person who is very rigid in not acting on her sexuality before marriage. I was really worried about how I'd behave in that kind of environment. Was I wrong? Would 'not being able to hang out in the apartment alone' ever be a deal breaker for you? Selina
  21. What a Tease!

    Hmmm... I know I'm going to get flamed for this, but I'm actually in two minds about this. If a girl is talking friendly to a guy, and she does not think that there is a small possibility that he may eventually want sex... then I would think that the girl was pretty naive about guys in society, and also very naive and unaware about the degree of her attractiveness. That lack of awareness can sometimes be dangerous, and that's how innocent girls get manipulated so easily to do things they regret later... It's just a fact of life, most guys' hormones are much more elevated than most girls in this area... Most guys want and experience sex regularly, .... and how is the guy supposed to know that the girl just wanted friendship, when other girls who have been just as friendly have wanted something more? Nobody can read minds. I think it's good to be friendly, and polite... but it's also good to be aware of what a guy might possibly be thinking, that way you can clear things up quickly verbally, and you won't be in danger of being manipulated or shocked. Good communication between the friends can eliminate any hurtful misunderstandings about being a tease, being sex-obsessed etc.
  22. Changes

    I have to stop being so messy and disorganized! It was okay when I was younger, but I hate that this immature quality of mine lets the rest of my personality down.... and it will be a real concern if its still there when i get married (and as I write this post, I'm cleaning out my closet... damn right)
  23. umm im leaving

    I saw that you are Christian on your profile... - if you think that what you did is wrong, know that all humans are imperfect, and they make mistakes. That's totally normal. That doesn't mean that after one mistake, its game over. You're a Christian, and you were brought up to believe that God is all-forgiving. Going back to being celibate after making a mistake takes even more admirable courage than not making that mistake in the first place. - if you are mentally okay with your actions, and want to repeat them, then that's also totally okay - I wouldn't judge you for it, a diversity in lifestyle isn't a bad thing. But if you really don't want to keep WTM from now on, and if you want to continue your lifestyle - i think you might feel left out on this forum, and I would totally understand your reasons to want to feel like leaving...
  24. Newbie here 😊, my story

    Welcome! I'm sure you will really enjoy this site!