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About Selina

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  1. Hi! From my own observation, the above thinking is very common across multiple cultures - in particular Indian/ Pakistani/Bangladeshi/Sri Lankan weddings, as well as in Afghani weddings. It is probably common in other cultures from countries across the Middle East as well, but I don't know for sure because I've never been to a wedding where the couple is from Saudi Arabia/Iran/Iraq/Yemen etc
  2. What Matters Most?

    By the way - in a study break, I was going over some of my random past posts to see if I've changed at all in over 3 years - and this was posted around the same month I started dating my to-be-husband. Too funny! In retrospect, I noticed that he meets the entire list - and his strongest qualities are near the top of the list. He was even WTM! Haha. Ok ok time to stop procrastinating and time to do some work!
  3. This is a tough one. In the Eastern tradition, weddings are usually about the family (which includes the bride and groom), rather than being centred around the bride and groom. So for example, for my wedding, my parents and my groom's parents' opinion counted just as much as ours did with the planning! So we had to take everyone's values and priorities and try to come up with a solution that benefitted everyone - which was difficult! For example, one of the three days of our wedding was considered to be the day where the extended family comes and blesses the new bride and groom - and cutting out that day is like telling family members that you don't care about their blessings! On top of that, my parents were both well known in our community, so not inviting community members would have been seen as very disrespectful, and a lot of people would have been hurt. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that sometimes big weddings in certain traditions happen in an effort to honour family member traditions as a sign of respect to the family. I'm not saying that it doesn't come with its own caveats - a three day wedding is generally more expensive than a one day one unless you plan very carefully Even though I have a simple non-materialistic personality, I also wanted ensure that my family members felt valued - so I expressed my simplicity in other ways - like having a smaller reception, a cheaper decorator, a more simple reception dress and make up etc, choosing 'home' for one of the events and a very cheap hall for another event . Luckily we managed to save a lot of money that way, and it ended up being around the same cost as an average American wedding.
  4. Celebrity Crush

    ^ Hmmm interesting. I think that some small amount of physical attraction can sometimes happen to people after marriage, but I would add that there are active steps that one can take to lower the development of any further attraction or emotional attachment - thus preventing infidelity. Examples of actions include not opening up/being vulnerable with certain people, cancelling out time with 'distractions' (including soft or hard core porn, or excessive amounts of romance movies that set unrealistic expectations etc), spending more time/communicating more with one's partner etc. In today's world, fidelity and other ethical behaviour require ethics but also the wisdom to examine and regularly reflect on one's actions and habits of thinking From observing others, I can conclude that cheating on one's partner doesn't happen overnight. There are small things - habits of thinking ('he/she never gives me gifts!' 'I wonder what life would be like with someone else) and small innocent actions ('innocent' friendships with others that include venting about one's partner) that can add up quickly into something big. Big mistakes can be further prevented by not being naive about the small things.
  5. This is a super interesting question. I understand that you might get a lot of different answers to this one. My personal view is that although I'm religious, I'm a little uncomfortable with the concept of virginity being associated with 'pureness/purity'. It has an automatic association that non-virgins are hence more 'impure', which isn't something i agree with, as I know some amazing and not-so-amazing virgins and non virgins. Also, if one associates lack of sex to 'purity', it can sometimes inherently causes a personal dislike or aversion of one's own sexuality - and it's important to feel comfortable about one's own sexual feelings (and not dismiss them as 'bad' or impure) before marriage. Also, coming closer to your question, the concept of purity has traditionally been seen as a feminine attribute, similar to the characteristics of fragility and innocence. If we attribute the experience of first sex after marriage to a 'sacred' kind of experience to motivate one's own self to WTM, instead of concentrating on keeping pureness of one's own self, then it solves a lot of problems. Males and females could both lead lives in anticipation of having eventual sacred experiences, since the feminine nature of 'purity' wouldn't exist . A non-virgin would not necessarily be valued less than a virgin, because 'purity' wouldn't exist, but there would be value placed on the experience of having a sacred nature of the first sexual experience after marriage itself. Finally, there would be less aversion regarding sexual feelings and thinking of sex in general (as one's 'purity' would not be impacted); hence there would be an easier positive mental transition to a sexually active lifestyle after marriage. But that's just my own theory about how I motivated myself to WTM there are multiple equally valid answers out there!
  6. I was very involved in community work and mentorship at the time, and I was looking for younger people to recruit for my team in order to make a bigger impact. He made some comments in a town hall meeting as to why we needed more community initiatives - and since I thought he was about four or five years younger than me (he looks young!) I approached him and encouraged him to join my team. Then I proceeded to friend-zone him, and give him lots of advice during our work together. Again, I thought I was being a good 'older' mentor! and three months later I found out that he was actually older than me. And then I fell for him. oops! ...we continue to work together today, although now I have his last name
  7. Celebrity Crush

    Hello! This is an interesting question! You seem to be frustrated by how faithful people can be, which is certainly a valid and justified reason to be frustrated - considering the prevalence of infidelity. However, there is reason to hope as well. Relationships and marriage in particular do take time and work - there are times that I think my husband is the best man on the planet, and there are times that I get irritated about some minor things. The point is that both patience and strong morals are really underestimated in our fast-everything society. If we didn't have the patience to sit down and work through any disagreement, perhaps we would have worried about whether we married the 'right' person. I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't think he had an extremely strong ethical sense - and I suspect that he thinks the same way. If someone has strong morals, then the idea of cheating would be much more repulsive and 'crazy' than the idea of dealing with marital hurdles.
  8. Hello! This is going to be a bit of a strange answer since my husband and I are actually Muslims! However to answer your question, it has definitely strengthened our faith. Both of us had decided at a young age to give ourselves towards humanity and service towards God, so we spend a lot of time volunteering together in mosque, and because of our busy lives, that time running and developing programs becomes our 'together time', where we are working together for a big purpose - it's very fulfilling, and if you have good communication, you can make a big impact together! We also enjoy discussing our relationship with our Lord with each other, which I think strengthens our faith and also strengthens our relationship with each other ! I have to say - the only thing better than praying and serving is praying and serving together
  9. This is an interesting question. I would say that the most important things to remember are to be patient and 'put yourself out there', either on a website, or get to know other people in similar environments - faith based communities etc. My background - I'm married (you can find my story in the Articles - Sexless in the City columns) and I originally had more trouble trying to find someone who would accept me for who I was. Even in religious communities, there are people who are religious but are certainly not supportive of WTM. I've dated one of them, but I don't have any regrets. I later married a fellow WTmer who I met through my religious community who I got married to I would say that its important to get to know more people, and talk to potential partners about beliefs and views early.
  10. A little awkward, a little painful but very very beautiful, very emotional, and totally worth waiting for. I would agree that it is critical that you have a lot of communication before that night .
  11. We dated for a year and were engaged for a year as well! If the question is about the right amount of time before getting married, I think it also depends on maturity and whether each of the couple knows what he/she wants, knows his/her own life priorities etc. For example, I knew that I wanted someone who would join me during prayer so that I didn't have to always choose between staying at home with my husband and practicing my faith regularly. I also wanted someone who wouldn't think twice before helping others, volunteering for a good cause etc, and I wanted someone who would respect my desire to always learn knowledge and apply it to helping people. I also knew that I wanted someone who would get along with my family, and whose family I could identify with. So I purposely found out all of that information within the first couple of months, before the strong feelings developed
  12. I would love a small wedding, as I have a pretty simple down to earth personality. The problem is, I have more than a hundred 'close family' because both my parents have many siblings... and that's just my side of the family. And traditionally, our culture calls for three or four day weddings. AND if you don't do some of the ceremonies, some of the elder family members get offended and hurt. So I've decided to demand the 'simple' part by just having a very very simple wedding dress, a cheap hall, and a caterer which is very low-priced. But it's still going to be unnecessarily overdone and expensive *groan*.
  13. Wish I found this sooner!

    Welcome Emma! The one word of advice I can give you is that, accept and respect other people during college - but never feel ashamed of who you are! Always feel confident and love yourself - and you will get a lot of love and support from this forum!
  14. All right, I know you guys are going to kill me for only reading posts and not posting for ages (except as articles on the main page as part of Sexless in the City) BUT IM GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (next summer!) Sorry I just wanted to announce it we've booked the venue and the planning is going to be a mess because I have a gigantic family, but that doesn't matter!!! Wow this has been a long way! I joined this site when I was 25, and I'll be 27 on the big day! Actually to be honest, I've needed a lot more strength - since we confirmed the date, keeping up the WTM has been requiring so much more courage. It helps because he is also intent on WTM, so I can keep this up for him as well as myself!!! Just wanted to thank you guys for keeping my head straight during these last couple of years - really looking forward to interacting and talking with more of you!!
  15. it can vary between 3 and 9.5 depending on my mood I think that age had something to do with it... when I was 18, it was more like 0 and 2.... and now that eight years have passed, there are much more pent up feelings