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Everything posted by Lovelyish

  1. As sex is integrated into who we are, and never separate...I have found it extremely beneficial not delve into other forms of sex. Masturbation and pornography use are soul-killers. I know this from expirience! Back when I was looking at porn and masturbating, I was so angry and an escapist into these unhealthy things instead of focusing on fixing the problem. I would delve into fantasy and neglect my real-life responsibilities. Since I have stopped looking at porn and masturbating I am so much freer and happy. I don't smoke and never have. I do enjoy a drink now and then, but I'm careful not to have too much. I don't like feeling out of control. I abstain from meat on Fridays during Lent.
  2. I'm glad to have found this site!

    I'm glad you found it, too.
  3. Net Neutrality.

    Competition is a good thing for the consumer. Makes prices go down and new options pop up. Dont' worry.
  4. 1. Waiting isn't a waste if you don't waste it. Are you waiting because it's the right thing to do? Because premarital sex wrecks your life and makes you have a disordered view of things? So that you can have time to work on yourself and be as emotionally healthy as possible? If you answered yes to any of those, it's not a waste. 2. If you wait for marriage, have healthy dating relationships, do all the work necessary during the part where you discern marriage with someone, and can really trust the person, you are much less likely to get divorced. Divorce isn't like brain cancer that just strikes people seemingly at random. It's more like lung CAN have it happen out of the blue, but if you smoke two packs a day for 30 years, it won't be a huge surprise when you get lung cancer. Alternately, if you set yourself up for success by doing the aforementioned things, you are much more likely to succeed at marriage. 3. The death isn't something to be ashamed of. Love is never a waste, and if your spouse dies it isn't a waste. You didn't waste your love on them, nor did you waste your waiting for marriage. 4. Virginity isn't the prize. It's commitment, love, and purity. If virginity were the prize, we'd lose our value after having sex (this is a set of thoughts I struggle with mightily, having come out of purity culture) My fiance isn't a virgin. He was raped his first time having sex. He continued to have sex because he thought "why not?" after that. This hurts me, but the prize is HIM. His purity is intense, because after a time doing these things, he realized that it lead to death and destruction and he wanted no part of that. He turned his life around. He now stops ME from getting grabby with him, even though I'm a virgin and he's not. 5. If he died or went off the deep end and left our marriage, all my waiting and fidelity wouldn't be a waste. I don't just wait for HIM. I wait for God, and for self-respect. If he died and I dated again, I would look for someone who shares my beliefs and views. Again, the trophy on the shelf isn't waiting till marriage. It is WHY you are doing it in the first place. It is not a waste if you are doing it for healthy reasons. No matter what anyone else does, you make your own decisions. Be proud of yourself and don't give up hope.
  5. I've always heard women in their 30s have the highest libidos.
  6. I think that once you get in your late 20s/30s it is extremely uncool to talk about waiting, even in church circles. Maybe it's my own projection, but it seems like a lot of my friends who were waiting got married or faded into the woodwork. I know my fiance is waiting (4 more months!)
  7. I need some advice

    If you want someone to be honest with you, you have to be honest with him. But you don't have to tell EVERYTHING at once. Just say something like "I haven't dated as much as some people". No one should pry that much on a first date. I would practice explaining things with a trusted friend who you think is mature and responsible before going out with someone. You should do a lot of back and forth messaging, hopefully talking about topics like dating and your beliefs before you ever meet up.
  8. I need some advice

    Join Catholic Match! I am your age and met my fiance on there Go on dates! Don't be WILL miss out if you wait around and don't take any sort of action! Also, pray for help and ask St. Raphael to help you find a mate You don't have to advertize on your profile that you've never had a boyfriend. Just be positive and upbeat and put down your interests and the kind of person you'd like to meet. No need to undersell yourself. You never know. You could meet someone really nice. Just be safe and smart, don't go alone with someone, be in a public place, have your own transportation, and don't drink or anything on the first date if you can't handle it. Keep your standards and make sure the person you meet up with is 100% believing on all major points (Catholic Match has 7 questions that people can answer no or yes to). You can do it! Have faith and chin up!
  9. Hi there, guys. This is on my heart and I'm working through it. I made a new account on this site because I want to be totally anonymous. I am a virgin and I have always thought that God would honor my persistence in waiting with giving me another virgin to marry. It never entered my mind that the person I'd end up marrying would be a non-virgin. Well...a LOT of bad things happened last year and earlier this year. I won't go into it all, but the end result is that I met an amazing man, wonderful, sweet, kind, patient, caring, awesome, funny...everything I'd ever wanted... Except not a virgin. I had kind of accepted that he was in love before, long time ago in relationships. But then he told me the real story. His first expirience of sex was nonconsensual. I won't go into details, but believe me, guys CAN be raped. It's so sad and awful. If that had been the only time, it would still be hard to deal with. But after this happened, he kept having sex with her in the relationship. I'm guessing he felt used and insecure and thought "why not?" because it had already happened. Well, that relationship ended and he ended up having sex with one more person, much in the same way. Not rape, but manipulation and insecurity. Now, this adds another layer for me to work through. He's not technically a virgin, but sex is GIVING and he didn't give. It was taken from him. I've always focused on that first time as being so important between two virgins, the act of giving and purity of waiting and knowing no one else has shared that intimacy. But he didn't make the choice to share that. He didn't even expirience a stupid high school "first time" in the back of a car. He waited till after college, and was still waiting when this happened. But then just gave in. He has since stopped doing that...come full circle and got into a serious relationship with God and into his religion. He hasn't had sex since that happened (it's been years), and really is good at helping us keep our chastity. He realizes how these relationships were not healthy, and not good, and sinful. And that he needed to get away from them, and he did. I'm looking for some emotional support, I guess. I love him very much. We are engaged and getting married in a few months. I'm just having such a hard time, comes in waves: anger, jealousy, fear of comparison, anger that I wasn't worth waiting for, etc. I know these are not LOGICAL conclusions. They are emotional reactions to having grown up in a purity culture that wasn't very healthy, in my opinion, and the emphasis on virginity and the wedding night being both of your first times. It was always in my head that keeping your virginity was pretty much the most important thing you could do in relationships. I had horrible models of relationships growing up, lots of fake church people and trying to project the image of this great family, when it was all rotten on the inside. I know this distress is a symptom of that. But it's so hard, guys. I love him so much...I'm so happy to marry him. I just cannot get this image out of my head that it's supposed to be two virgins and that I'm lowering my standards somehow. And I'm angry that I waited and won't be able to say I was worth waiting for. Please don't judge me too harshly.
  10. My fiance was raped

    I love this. It does help, thank you. I know that these issues are mine and that he's done a lot of work and healing to get past these bad abusive women who used him for sex. But it is something I've had saved up a long time (we are both in our 30s) and now I'm dealing with it. Virginity is a huge issue for me. I was talking with my friend last night about how it hurts that I won't be his first time, and he said "He is giving his whole life for you." I replied "I don't think I'm worth it". My friend pointed out that it seems my self-worth is tied up in the fact that I'm a virgin, because it's been such a long-time thing. I have low self-esteem, and him not waiting for me too kind of affirms that I'm not worth waiting for. When I totally WAS worth waiting for, and he would have waited if he had known! And if he hadn't been raped. I'm also really angry at her...
  11. I'm not married yet, but I will say that dating and being engaged to my fiance has definitely strengthened both of our faiths. We make a point to pray every day together, and go to mass together once a week, and confession every few weeks or when one of us NEEDs to go. It's been so wonderful and stabilizing.
  12. Relational Comfort and Shaving Habits

    Shaving feels good. Smooth skin feels good. Being up against someone else's skin feels better when my skin is smooth. Why in the world would I stop shaving?