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About Innocence

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  • Birthday 03/21/1988

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    Outdoor activities (such as camping, hiking, biking, and many more), performing arts, music, ballroom and Latin dancing, organic food

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  1. @Parrot I do think it's great to have high standards, however, the disappointing truth is that the more standards we set, the fewer our options become . Especially as people get older, most of the quality people have already gotten married and so that leaves very few people left that are available. I'm not advocating for lowering standards, I'm just saying that with high standards, comes the realization that it will be much harder to find a person out there who meets them all.
  2. Salutations!

    Welcome, Parrot!
  3. I understand where you're coming from, Parrot. After this relationship that I've been in, it has certainly caused me to redefine some of the deal breakers for a potential boyfriend that I used to have. Sadly, this recent ex boyfriend will be the last under my old set of deal breakers and anyone after him will have to meet the new set that I have. Interesting how you say that, because I have thought about that myself as well! I have wished that all us virgins would just marry each other so that we could all be happy that we found someone who values sex to the same degree that we do. I do feel that the virgin dating pool gets smaller and smaller anytime a virgin decides to marry a non virgin, which just makes it that much harder for those that absolutely require a virgin to find someone in that category.
  4. I will have to admit that you are right, Geraldine. I do think that I am a naive person. I was really sheltered by my parents when I was growing up, and while that is a good thing, it has also made me unaware of a lot of hideous things that go on in this world. People who have interacted with me in person have said that I do possess an innocence (there's a reason why I chose the display name that I have on here lol ) about me and that in certain situations I am not very knowledgeable about things that others would normally expect me to be familiar/experienced with. Thank you for posting that article link! According to the article, I am a prime target for attracting people like these . I possess the 3 Ns mentioned: nice, naive, and non-confrontational. I have realized over the years, that I can take A LOT of criticism from people and when it comes to arguments, I can handle someone shouting at me and I still have the patience to remain calm. As desirable a trait as I believe that would be, it's sad that there are people out there who want to exploit such traits. Thank you for all your words of encouragement dear sister, and thank you for your prayers as well.
  5. I am the same way as you are. I would want to know every detail about my boyfriend's history with exes, and if he can't discuss all the details about it, then that certainly won't help me build trust in him. I believe trust is the foundation of relationships and if a person lies and can't be trusted, then the relationship has nothing to stand on. I also feel that in a relationship, there should be transparency between the two people, and that is why I am one of those who wants to know all the details pertaining to my boyfriend's history. Thank you for the good wishes. I am sorry that you've had your heart broken, too. I am glad that you're finally beginning to feel okay and that you are open to finding someone again. You have my best wishes for finding the perfect one for you.
  6. Well said, Vince! I couldn't have expressed it any better myself. I agree with everything you wrote. Lol! Well now you've gotten me curious about the other very dumb things you've heard Well anyway, I really do thank you for your words and your encouragement . All of the comments on this thread so far have definitely helped lift my spirits and have given me some peace about the whole situation .
  7. Hello!

    @heyitsme22 and @misskayanne88 A warm welcome to both of you!! I hope you find this forum as encouraging as I have!
  8. Yes, I have left Alexander. I broke up with him in April, so the breakup is relatively recent. We were together for a little over 4.5 years, but this problem that I am telling you about came up about a year after us knowing each other, so I've been dealing with this sexual past situation for 3.5 years.
  9. I am so glad you said that. He has made me feel that all this time, I'm the one with the unhealthy feelings because I want Amanda and Charles (because Charles and Amanda eventually got married... and that's another very sad story because of how it eventually ended up in divorce from something I heard that Amanda did, but I digress) out of Alexander's life. Believe me, the reminders sure were there. I really feel like an emotional trauma victim because of this relationship because anything associated with Amanda that would come up in my everyday life would remind me of her. I also have had many bad dreams about her and Alexander and even Charles, too, and some of those dreams have made me wake up with unsettled feelings and tears in my eyes. I've also expressed the "avoidance" behaviors that PTSD sufferers have in which I have avoided actions and places that have images/traumas attached to them. So yeah, it was bad. Hmmm... I never thought of it that way... I guess in my innocence and inexperience with guys, I didn't think it was emotional abuse, but I guess it's always harder to see that when you're directly involved in the situation and not seeing from an outside perspective. His comparing might have been one of the subconscious reasons I stayed with him for so long... because I wanted to try to have the strength that Charles had to be okay about what happened in the past and put it behind me and display that Christ like behavior of remembering the sins no more.
  10. Yes! That's what I would think, too! One thing Alexander has told me before, is that he hates it when he sees other couples in which the man is so possessive of his girlfriend that he doesn't want her talking to ANY man and basically smothers her freedom in a controlling sort of way. So I think in an effort to avoid being labeled as that kind of man, he's taken it really far in the other direction to where he expects his girl to have the freedom to talk and hang out with whomever she wants, and expects that same kind of freedom in return for himself. Both extremes are undesirable, in my opinion, and so I agree that a healthy jealousy right in the middle is ideal... one in which both people have the freedom to talk to members of the opposite sex as friends, but also one in which both people are jealous of exes and anyone who is romantically interested in them. In that case, I think talking to exes and spouses of the exes should be nonexistent. I actually had a boyfriend before Alexander who went even a step further than this. He once told me that I could have sex with other men as long as it was "meaningless sex" (for him, that meant sex without any emotional investment) and he wouldn't care. I should have slapped him after saying that. Yes, stuff like this and also what Alexander has said have definitely made me feel so devalued and unimportant. I felt that with both of these boyfriends, the precious gift of my virginity that I would be saving for them if they became my husband, would not even be cherished. As a result, (even though I still have Biblical reasons for saving my virginity) I have wondered why I should even save my virginity for my husband if he's not even going to value the precious gift I would be offering to him. It's just sad to me that all the boyfriends I've ever had and all men I've gone on dates with have just not even cared about the jewel that I'm saving for that special one.
  11. @Geraldine, @redgrapes, and @Invincible Thank you all SO VERY MUCH for your encouragement in saying that I reacted to this situation in a perfectly normal way, and that my response has nothing to do with being less Christian-like. Vince, I like what you said in your last post about righteous jealousy. I believe I experienced that with Alexander which explains why I wanted all of his sex partners out of his life if they weren't already because I wanted to know that there would be no reminders of past experiences that he's had that would take away from us being able to focus on one another completely. Here is why I believe I was criticized so much for not being able to overcome the situation. Charles was eventually able to get over what happened between Alexander and Amanda, and he was able to carry on his relationship with Amanda AND still maintain his best friend status with Alexander. So here is a virgin that was able to cope with what happened, and as a result, I got compared to Charles . Alexander and all of his other friends (including my best female friend) said that if Charles can overcome it and express that Christ-like acceptance, then I can overcome it and also express that Christ-like acceptance. Alexander would constantly say that because Charles got over it, and I wasn't, that I was CHOOSING to stay hurt over the matter! As if I could "choose" to have my feelings hurt or not... I can't tell you how deeply that word cut into me because he just refused to see how the hurt is something I couldn't control. I told him repeatedly how I wanted the images, reminders, and bad dreams of what he and Amanda did to go away just as much as he wanted that for me, but I just didn't know how to do that. Many times he would just say that I have to "deal" with it and "choose" not to let it hurt me. And every time he pointed to Charles as the example to follow, that just made me feel even worse as a Christian in being able to forgive and forget. So that is why I think so many people were against me in how I handled things.
  12. Thank you for letting me know that! Yes, there are times when I think I did tolerate much more than others would if they were in this situation... Since the time that disastrous revelation occurred, I stayed with him for 3.5 years after that trying to cope with the trauma from the situation because I really wanted to be successful in getting rid of the images, reminders, and dreams that I became plagued with as a result. I gave him chance after chance to be truthful about his sexual past after this occurrence, but he broke my trust regarding this area two more times many months later. That is actually the surprising part! I've used that very same scenario during the arguments we've had over this situation, and Alexander has said that if I ever had sex with any of my exes, he would be totally fine if they were still friends in my life! Matter of fact, he actually ENCOURAGES me to stay in touch with my other ex! So that basically takes away my platform of argument from that angle because he's fine if I had exes in my life still as friends... I guess since that's how he feels, it's no wonder he thinks it's not a big deal to still stay friends with his exes that he had sex with and instead thinks that I'm the one having the problem.
  13. Yes, I really felt bad for Charles when he first found out. If I were him, I would have been deeply hurt that my best friend had tried to set me up with his ex because I would have seen it as him tossing me the leftovers of the meal he has already had. In other words, because he didn't want the girl, then he just passes her on to me, without even telling me beforehand that he's already been with her! That's how I would have felt if I were Charles. That was definitely one of the most painful parts of this whole nightmare situation . Charles and I were never told before we met Amanda that she was a former sex partner of Alexander's. I got to actually see and talk with Amanda through Skype a few times all the while thinking she was just a casual friend of Alexander's. Once I found out who she really was, you can only imagine how betrayed and devastated I felt when Alexander admitted to me that he didn't want to tell me that she was a former sex partner. Having already personally interacted with Amanda without knowing who she really was, was what began my emotional traumatization, which only got deeper and deeper the longer Alexander struggled to keep her in his life against my wishes.
  14. Lol! Okay, sorry everyone for making this sound confusing with all the persons. I actually did have a debate with myself as to whether to use fictitious names or the person label approach. I guess I made the wrong choice haha, and so Geraldine, I will keep in mind what you suggested about using fictitious names in the future for complicated scenarios like this one. Well, let me try to fix this by adding some names so that perhaps this scenario will be easier to understand: Person A: Innocence (I'll admit that I was part of this disastrous scenario) Person B: Alexander Person C: Amanda Person D: Charles I also edited my first post, so now you all can read it with names instead lol. Amen to that Vince! I am comforted that you feel that way because I also view sex as such a deep physical and emotional act of oneness (I personally feel it's as if you are sharing your souls with one another), and so like you, it baffles me how people can sleep with one another and still be friends as if nothing ever happened. I think you are right in that it boils down to there still being a connection between those persons, or they don't have a high regard for sex and so that's why it's not a big deal to them that it happened between them in the past. Actually this was the argument that everyone that knew about this situation gave me. In this story all four of us are Christians. Even though I know there has been forgiveness, I still could not get over the hurt of what happened and just knowing that they still wanted to be friends was more than I could handle. I would be able to handle them parting ways on good terms though, but just staying friends, I couldn't, and believe me, I did try. There was one time that I actually did see that girl in person that he had sex with, and I struggled very hard to keep back tears, and after that for the next few weeks, I couldn't even hug my boyfriend without thinking of what he had done with her. So I'm wondering if this is just one of those relationship situations in which this is more than I can bear, but then I do feel unsure if I am being Christian like enough and many people have already made me feel like an inadequate, unforgiving Christian because I cannot handle this scenario. I like your approach to finding out if someone is a virgin, HeWhoWaits! I might borrow that idea when I need to ask that question to future guys who are interested in me since I also want to be with a virgin. I've had that concern as well before and wondered how I could get a man to be truthful about his sexual status since there is no other way to conclusively know or prove it other than his word. Since I know that many women out there actually want a man with experience, I've thought about posing the question as if I'm one of those women so that I can encourage him to be open about his sexual experience if he gets the idea that I see it as a good thing. I thought about asking him something like, "How experienced are you sexually?" If a man is a virgin and is courageous and truthful enough to tell me that, then I know I can consider him as possible marriage material if he still says the truth while thinking that he's giving me an answer that I may not be looking for. I agree! The person's future spouse should be the priority, not the friendship with the exes. This was something that my boyfriend and I struggled with for years after I found out that he was still friends with this girl he had sex with. He still wanted to cling so strongly to friendships because he didn't believe that ties should be cut simply because a mistake was made in the past that God forgave them for. He said that no matter how hurt I was, that it doesn't justify him letting go of two friends that remind me of his past and bring up images of sex. It made me feel so worthless and devalued, especially because he wanted me to be his wife.
  15. I realized that there is a topic almost identical to this in the Ask the Guys section. However, I wanted to resurrect the topic since that last thread was very old, and also to open up the discussion to girls as well as guys. So here is the scenario, and this is a true story that actually happened: Innocence is a virgin and dates and falls deeply in love with Alexander. Alexander is not a virgin and told Innocence that information near the beginning of the relationship. Innocence is initially okay with that and the relationship continues. Many months later, Alexander introduces Innocence to one of his single female friends, Amanda. Now, Amanda also happens to be a former sex partner of Alexander's, but Alexander doesn't tell Innocence that. Alexander has a best friend, Charles, who happens to be a virgin. Charles is single and looking for a wife, so Alexander thinks it would be a great idea if he set up his best friend (Charles) with Amanda (his single female friend who was also an ex partner). So Charles and Amanda start dating and eventually get serious with one another. Charles also does not know that Amanda is a former sex partner of Alexander's. Eventually, Innocence happens to ask Alexander a seemingly inconsequential question related to Alexander's sexual past, and the truth comes out as to who Amanda is (a former sexual partner with Alexander). As a result of this shocking revelation, the truth also spreads to Charles, who finds out from Alexander (his best friend) that he has been set up with one of his former sex partners. How would you feel if you were Innocence in this situation? How would you feel if you were Charles? If you were Innocence or Charles, would you want to stay in the relationship knowing that sex in the past between these friends had happened? What about asking to cut friendship ties because of the sexual history? If you were Innocence, would you want Alexander to cut friendship ties with Amanda and his best friend (because now the best friend, Charles, is serious with Amanda and thus they're now a couple in which they can start to be seen as one person). What about if you were Charles? Would there be a desire to cut ties with your best friend, Alexander, because he set you up with a former sex partner of his and didn't tell you this at first? Looking forward to hearing all of your opinions and how you would react in this situation.