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Everything posted by Sabrina

  1. Dating

    Fair points I think we do perhaps differ in our definitions of dating. Regarding the specific example of a wtm conference speed dating scenario, I don't have a problem with it, I just don't think it would be very effective. That wasn't the situation I was talking about though. From my perspective, it starts to get sketchy when we're looking at multiple, concurrent dating relationships (which are necessarily romantic - otherwise it's just friends hanging out... which would be fine...) That is unsustainable- meaning, the speed/polydating thing won't work past a couple of dates. If the woman wasn't upfront about the situation to the men, then it is surely a waste of their time. And this scenario in which you get to know multiple people at the same time in a dating situation is going to lower the quality of all those experiences (smaller quantity/quality time to spend with each person, heightened stress, high pressure, etc), so it is also a waste of time in that regard. It is kind of ridiculous in that it's like an episode of the bachelorette (to be fair, I haven't seen the show, so it might not be as ridiculous as the ads make it appear heh). On a personal note, I think I would be pretty emotionally distraught in this situation. People would probably get hurt through this, and I would necessarily have to reject the guys after a while, or have them reject me, and all that emotional mess and insecurity and drama and ain't nobody got time for that. lol Just my twopense
  2. Questions for the ladies of WTM

    1) Would you marry a man knowing that you would not be first in his life? For example, if his profession took precedence in his life would you be ok with that? As others have said, I expect him to put God first as a Christian. Beyond that... probably not. I don't even think our children should come before each other. I believe that when you keep your spouse as top priority, it gives your children the highest sense of security, that mom and dad love each other and aren't going anywhere. Also, obviously there might be intense periods in his life where his work or education would take precedence for a temporary amount of time, but that would be ok. 2) How important is sex in a marriage? Like if he didn't have a very high sex drive would that change the way you felt about him? Um... very important. I don't think that I would be attracted to a man with a low sex drive (yikes is that harsh or what?) Obviously sex isn't the most important thing in marriage, but in that hypothetical marriage, I would feel crushed if he seemed uninterested in sex a lot of the time. 3) Would you ever live and raise children in another country? Why or why not? Sure, I would do that. If my hypothetical husband were from another country, and it made the most sense to raise them there, I would be fine with that.
  3. Dating

    So sort of like polyamory without sex? I have a feeling these commenters were half-serious, half-kidding, but I'll bite... I think the idea is kind of ridiculous, quite shallow, and definitely unsustainable. Most men wouldn't put up with that (same for most women if the sexes are reversed). I can understand the situation where a woman goes out on one or two dates with one man, then nothing comes of it and she goes out on a date with another guy the next week; that doesn't seem unreasonable. But being in multiple dating relationships concurrently? It's a selfish waste of everyone's time (especially if she doesn't disclose the polydating to the men!). That kind of person is more interested in a well-stroked ego than in having any kind of serious relationship.
  4. Aww, well I've never assumed that someone was married because of how old they were. If anything, the opposite: I've been surprised to discover people were married if they were in their late teens/early 20s. But I always check the left hand for a ring. Besides, isn't the average age for men to marry like 29-30 now? Although I feel like here in ny, the average age for marriage is about 47 lol.
  5. Dating for Virgins

    Hi and welcome anointedtowait! Great to have you here As a believer, I think it is pretty straightforward sharing with the person you are dating that you are a virgin, because hopefully the person you are dating is also saved. For a Christian, it is a given (or rather, it should be a given) that he/she is waiting till marriage to have sex (even if they have had sex before coming to the Lord). So I think that mentioning virginity would naturally follow a conversation about your views on obeying the Lord in abstaining from sex before marriage.
  6. Pet Peeves

    People who cut in front of me in the fast lane, and then proceed to slow down to 5 miles below the speed limit. Dude, your lane is over there.
  7. Hey, Y'all

    Hi Sif of Texas, this native Yankee welcomes you to the site
  8. Dropping out of ROTC

    Hi Ranvier. I am so sorry to hear about your injury and the other things you had to go through. You sound like a very strong individual, and I admire you for going into a STEM field. First let me say this. You are not a failure. And you should absolutely not feel shame about what that rotc leader said... you made the right choice for you, and it doesn't mean you are weak or anything of the sort. You, as a neuroscientist understand the biology that makes men and women, as sexes, quite different physiologically. Humans are a sexually dimorphic species. You are right when you point out that we as women have 40% less upper body strength than men, and various other physiological differences that make us better at men at certain things, and not as good as men at other things. That is a good thing women and men complement each other. We each have strengths and weaknesses, and there should be no shame in recognizing both our limitations and our strengths. After school (I got a bachelors in chemistry, then postbac for nursing) I seriously considered joining the Navy as a clinical nurse, but then I got cancer, and you cannot join the military until 5 years of being cancer-free. I had always been tomboy that wanted to show I could do anything the boys could do, be just as tough. And yet, as an adult woman, I disagree with modern western feminism as well, because I also reject the notion that in order to be equal to men, I have to imitate everything that men do, or compete with men. I am already equal with men, I don't need to beat men at push-up contests to find worth as a woman. There is a reason that pro sports are not co-ed-- it simply wouldn't be a level playing field, we would get steamrolled in something like football. And yet, we can handle the pain of menstruation and childbirth in a way that most men probably could not. Wow that got long.. not sure if I actually answered your question, yikes. But I'd love to talk further if you want to pm me, and don't be discouraged-- I think what you are doing with neuroscience is awesome.
  9. Good Evening

    Hi, welcome Chloe! This is definitely the right place to come for encouragement and camaraderie. Definitely check out chat - it's a great way to meet people and hang out. People usually are hanging around in chat by 9 or 10 pm. (EST)
  10. The Bible & Wifely Submission

    ...tortured, beaten, stripped naked and hung until dead.... it's not Christlike... That's an understatement to say the least. I agree, there are a few sick men (and women) in this world who will use anything to justify their twisted behavior. It's horrible what those men did to their wives. If a husband is beating or raping his wife, call the police. If he has some creepy torture basement, call the police. If he is making verbal threats to cause his wife bodily harm, call the police. This is a given. Nobody is telling women they should handcuff themselves to a pole and submit to torture because their husband told them so. However, I find it highly problematic to use a demented fractional percentage of the population as a guideline for husbands in general. You went from "men are fallible" (yes, I agree) to "men who torture, strip, beat and murder their wives" (the vast majority of men do not do this). And in the cases where men DO behave this way, the authorities should be involved immediately. But that begs the question: should husbands still love their wives, even though women are fallible people who sometimes verbally abuse their husbands? I mean, maybe God only meant for a husband to love his wife when she is Christlike. If she isn't, then maybe the husband should not love or honor her. I think you made a salient point about trusting God. It's interesting how Sarah is praised in 1 Peter for obeying her husband -- we can probably agree that Abraham was a very fallible man. He had his wife pretend to be his single sister and put her in a potentially dangerous situation just to save his own skin. And yet she is called strong because she trusted in God enough to listen to her fallible, sinful husband. Husbands are also told to honor and be understanding of their wives. 1 Peter 3 ...5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror. 7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
  11. Greetings from Asia

    Hey KIP! It was awesome hanging out with you in chat. Belated welcome.
  12. Fictional Crush?

    Lol the only Cullen that I like is Cullen Bohannon from Hell on Wheels. Both him and his beard.
  13. The Bible & Wifely Submission

    I saw this interview with Candace Cameron, and I thought she had an interesting take on this subject of submission in marriage.
  14. The Bible & Wifely Submission

    What if: 1) A husband commands his wife to do something which violates her conscience? 2) A husband commands his wife to do something which violates God's law or any rights she has according to scripture? Yeah, because there are oodles of husbands out there commanding their wives to commit grand larceny, murder and jaywalking. Seriously though, why can't the husband and wife just work it out? If my husband is asking me to do something that I think goes against God's law, then I am going to appeal to him in a loving manner. "Honey, I love you and respect you, but I can't fudge our tax returns because I feel that would be dishonest. Can we figure out something? Maybe we can save money in other ways." I wouldn't want to have a judgmental or sanctimonious attitude toward my husband, or shriek at him. "You wicked, unspiritual man, how *dare* you tell me to do this thing!" As I am not married, I cannot know how I will handle situations I will potentially be faced with as a wife, but I would hope to honor God, and be loving and respectful to my husband, and to follow his leadership in our family. Honestly, the man I marry would have character of high caliber in the first place; therefore unless he was a total liar, he most likely would not insist on me committing an action I believed to be wrong. But I think the most important thing is whether or not I have an attitude that absolutely honors and respects the man my husband is, understanding that he is fallible like all humans, and that he is ultimately accountable to God for his actions, as am I.
  15. Finally, a safe haven...hopefully.

    Hi, welcome Joshua! This is definitely the right place to be encouraged and supported. Glad you found the site.
  16. 50 Shades of Love?

    Cora Jay, I don't really get it either. I think women have a hunger for masculinity (which is natural, just like men have a hunger for femininity), and sometimes that translates into being attracted to the worst sort of jerks. I think these girls perhaps don't have many positive masculine influence in their lives, and get warped ideas from movies or romance novels like 50 Shades that the "dominant" or domineering guy is masculine. Personally, I would want to feel absolutely safe with a man, and have the knowledge that although he is bigger and stronger than I am, he would never abuse that; I don't want to be micromanaged or controlled or bullied into things. A man who protects those weaker than himself is manly, and not somebody who is so immature or warped he has to "dominate" a woman to get his jollies. Having said that, aggression is not categorically negative, and can be very constructive if channeled properly (I mean really, it's how crap gets done in the world lol); testosterone is not bad, masculinity is not evil, it's wonderful.
  17. Hey There, (Hopefully) Future Friends :)

    Hey girl! So glad we met in chat. Man, I can definitely relate to what you're going through - and it's so true what you said about the media treating sex like it's a sport. It's absurd and sad. Just keep on being the strong, beautiful lady that you are. Looking forward to talking more in chat.
  18. Hi! virgin newbie here

    Hi everyone! Just thought I'd introduce myself. I'm a 25 year old nurse from Brooklyn (born and raised baby); I come from a big, loud, awesome family and I have lots of neices and nephews. My youngest brother and I are especially close since we're the only ones still living at home. My family is Christian, and I personally became a Christian at 17. What my parents taught me as a kid about saving intimacy for marriage made sense to me. In college, I did more research on the topic, reading books such as "Hooked" and "Unprotected", and cross-referencing with my biochem & physiology classes - all of it made sense on another level. The bonding mechanisms of oxytocin, the effects of pheremones, etc. At times, I felt like such a naive loser for not having sex like everyone else in college, but the scientific knowledge reinforced my decision to remain a virgin. Although guys asked me out, I never accepted, because I knew they didn't share my values or my faith, and I didn't want to string them along for no reason. However, I spent a lot of time studying with guys, since I was in a major that had more guys than girls (chemistry). I found it was really easy to become emotionally entangled with guys, even though I didn't do anything more physical than a casual hug - that is something I still struggle with. Last year was rough for me, as I was diagnosed with cancer, and underwent chemo and radiation. After finishing treatment and growing back a little hair, I went on vacation in Florida for a weekend. While there, all I could think was, I'm 25, I have this hot (rental) car, I'm in West Palm Beach, I've survived cancer - I just want to go have some fun, get drunk and sleep with a handsome stranger. Of course I did no such thing. But man, it was hard not to just give in a little, to flirt with some cute busboy or whatever. I've come to realize that being a virgin or celibate until marriage isn't simply about the physical aspect. The true battle for me is in my mind and my emotions, and being a truly virtuous lady. So I'm striving toward being content with life, while still growing and maturing as a person. Anyhoo, I'm excited to be on this forum and hopefully meet some new friends who are also on this journey.
  19. Driving

    Lol, I thought this was going to be a topic on how women are bad drivers. I like driving, but I also wouldn't care if he wanted to drive all the time. Especially if he's a really good driver and likes going fast, that would be fun.
  20. Hey, no worries at all, I knew you weren't talking about me, I just used myself as an example (since I am a pretty physical person). Aww, that's really sweet that your boyfriend does that. If I ever get me one of those boyfriend or husband people, I hope he'll do that to me. Good point about divorce rate and culture. It will probably be less prevalent in cultures wherein it is discouraged or stigmatized, regardless of the quality of the marriage (although - is stigmatizing divorce such a bad thing? Perhaps people would be far more careful about choosing a marriage partner if they believed divorce wasn't an option. And once children are involved, I think everything should be done to keep the marriage together - marital counseling, therapy, etc - whatever it takes). I went to a college with a very large Orthodox Jewish student population, and had the opportunity to learn a lot about the culture, which is why I keep talking about it. I just found it fascinating, and quite refreshing compared to normal western culture. You're right, the happiness of the marriages might not be related to their dating methods, but they believe it is. Many hold a similar view to this guy who wrote that, "The restrictions on dating are a key ingredient in the creation of stable marriages." If I had to pick an extreme, I'd choose the Orthodox Jewish dating method rather than, say, normal dating (ie putting out on the third date). But like I said, I doubt I would go full Orthodox lol.
  21. Steadfast Madcap, I can definitely see your point about not being so focused “saving†things that you become self-conscious, uptight and frigid in normal social interactions. Personally, I’m pretty touchy-feely and physically affectionate. Many of my friends are married, and I normally greet both wife and husband with a quick hug and kiss. However, the author specified “tight front-hug†so I think she meant intentionally squishing boobs up against men. That is an important distinction, and I wouldn’t be very happy if a woman did that to my [imaginary-future] husband. In my view, being considerate about this just shows respect for other women. (Obviously stuff like that happens accidentally, but that’s more awkward than arousing lol). You are absolutely correct, oxytocin is a bonding hormone, which is why I mentioned it. (Sexual hormones – FSH, LH, etc. – regulate sexual maturation and development of secondary sexual characteristics, so I didn’t bring them up as they aren't directly relevant to this topic). Yes, Pitocin is used to induce labor – interestingly, it’s also given to women post c-section to help the uterus contract back to normal and prevent hemorrhaging. It’s pretty cool. But my point was that oxytocin (along with the effects of dopamine and pheromones) can facilitate a trusting, intimate bond with a person based on infatuation, having a biased perception of their character. Sure, oxytocin is released during various situations, but it’s secretion has been shown to cause physical arousal. Jumping on guy’s back or sitting in his lap is going to trigger a release of oxytocin and dopamine that is different from, say, hugging your grandmother. You mentioned platonic interactions and I completely agree; it’s normal and healthy to have many social bonds and friendships. However, this author seems to be making a point that overt physical touching and flirting is not platonic. She isn’t talking about the behavior of people already in a marriage or long-term monogamous relationship. In the context of Jewish Orthodoxy, they enter the dating relationship to see if they want to marry. They maintain the absence of physical touch mitigates the effects of hormones, providing the opportunity to get a clear picture of someone’s character and personality before becoming so emotionally attached. I find that concept beautiful, to fall in love with someone for who they are, and to make the decision they are worthy of my trust, rather than being influenced largely by hormones and the lizard brain as it were. (Notably, Jews have lower than average divorce rates and report higher than average levels of happiness in marriage
  22. Thank you for sharing this article Géraldine. I think the author makes some really good points. It was particularly interesting to note that she connected a woman initiating a relationship with emasculating a man. I'm not a man, so I can't really comment on that personally, but I think it makes logical sense. I think she's spot on about the physical interaction. Physical nearness and touch for a woman can literally bond her with that man because of oxytocin. It's interesting in Orthodox Jewish dating, the man and the woman don't touch before they marry, so that they can truly get to know each other as people, and not be blinded to character flaws like they would if they were physically intimate (not necessarily sex - even cuddling or kissing would have an effect because of the secretion of oxytocin which causes the woman to trust the man). Even though I don't think I would go full Orthodox, I think those sort of boundaries are far more reasonable than having absolutely no physical boundaries whatsoever.
  23. You could try joining a ballroom dancing class. It'll probably be mostly girls, and they'll be thrilled for a male partner. And you could even say something like, "Oh, I'm learning so I can dance with my mom" (but only if it's true) and they'll think that's really sweet.
  24. college

    Hi, and welcome Rosemary123! Concerning college, I would say to find the smartest, hardest-studying students in your classes and become friends with them. They will most likely be less interested in drinking and partying and sex, as they are too busy studying, being president of the Physics club, and tutoring the other students. As a bonus, you'll probably get better grades by hanging out with them, studying with them. My little brother is an engineering major: he and his friends are basically the nerdiest people in college, yet they seem to have way more fun than I ever did in school. And even though not all are Christians, many of them have very traditional values from their own cultures, and are waiting. Also, I would say, focus on getting all the knowledge and experience you can out of college. If a fantastic guy comes by who shares your values and goals in a relationship, great, but if not, don't sweat it. This is the time you have to study and to prepare for the rest of your life. There is some stuff about college that I regret, wasting my time and obsessing over things (read: boys) that ultimately didn't matter in the long run. Investing time in serious studying, finding good mentors in professors and upperclassmen, and spending time with people way ahead of you in life are all important in making the most out of the college years. Oh, and also have fun. That too.
  25. How do you feel about being called "hot?"

    It's flattering. Maybe kind of crude from a stranger, but complimentary nonetheless.