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Everything posted by Novelist

  1. If you could date/marry one celebrity...

    All the celeb men I crush on eventually come out of the closet, so I don't think it would work out. Also, I tend to like the guys nobody else likes, so I always feel strange confiding my celebrity crushes. Also, some of them are dead. Or cartoons. I think I'm defective.
  2. Obligatory Introduction

    Hi, newbie here. I have to admit I hate introducing myself on forums. I always feel like I'm at an AA meeting or something. "I'm Novelist, and I'm a virgin." Anyway, I'm a late-20s woman and aspiring author trying to make peace with the fact that my commitment to abstinence has relegated me to a kind of social isolation. I have had (and have) friends who understood my commitment, but I always sensed a touch of, "You poor little naive thing; the real world's gonna hit you like a load of bricks" about it. A sort of affectionate judgement, as if I didn't know. Maybe I imagined it, or maybe I was just projecting what I was thinking myself. Another issue I've had is a complete lack of understanding concerning the emotional toll which waiting for nearly 30 years has taken on me. Dating feels impossible, like a hide and seek game--How long can I keep my clean little secret? And I feel very undesirable knowing that, while a few men have been very eager to sleep with me, no one has ever found me worth pursuing in the long run. I look in the mirror, and my every flaw seems magnified. Aging is starting to terrify me, and I never, ever wanted to be THAT woman. Since my libido has (naturally) waned a bit since adolescence, I sometimes feel angry to have "wasted" the best of my sexuality. The biggest issue is that, while I am religious and have faith in God, I have very little faith in people anymore. My hope was that interacting with other people who are also abstinent would be liberating, in the sense that I would feel less judged and that, surely, many here would also understand the struggle, both physical and emotional, of waiting for something that might never happen. Well, I didn't mean to post so much, but I guess my name should have warned you. I'm not always such a sad sack, btw. I'm just frustrated right now. --Novelist.
  3. Maybe there's already a topic like this. If so, sorry. Obviously, most of us would like to have regular sex some day, and WTM delays that. But I wanted to ask if anyone feels like they're missing out on anything else while they're waiting. There are some things, aside from sex or even kissing, which you don't really do outside of a relationship. Not just physical stuff, but even activities that seem couple-oriented. Waiters who are in relationships probably won't experience this as much. For me, it's dancing. Not the club kind. I took a ballroom dance class while in college. Aside from it being interesting and fun, I was really attracted to one of my classmates. Dancing with him, whether it was tango or waltz or whatever, was especially pleasant. I haven't danced since and have forgotten most of the moves for want of practice. I sometimes think I'll never be in a relationship and, thus, never marry. Part of me is just as sad that I might never be able to slow-dance with my hand on a man's shoulder and his on the small of my back. As an adult, I wouldn't want to take another class. Even in college, I was one of the few singles. Hard to practice without a partner. I know most guys are not avid dancers, but every now and then on a date-night wouldn't hurt. Does anyone else have something like that which comes to mind?
  4. Gamer Guys, Hot or Not??

    Ehhh . . . I game casually, mostly on devices like Kindle or ds. It wouldn't bother me if he just, you know, liked gaming. But I do find it to be a turnoff when a guy identifies as a Gamer. I've had too many male friends who were gamers and were very immature, and frankly, I think a lot of the most popular games are just gratuitous and gross (GTA, for example). My best friend is an avid gamer. It's, like, all he does. Which is his business, but sometimes I have to kind of hold myself back from eyerolling all over the the place when he tells me about the drama going on in his guild. Some people take it waaaaaaaaay too seriously, and it seems like online gaming is the place guys go to stay 13-years-old forever. Turnoff for me.
  5. Hello from Italy!

  6. Other things you miss

    Ugh, samaye, I know how that feels. Once, when I was a teen, I went to see the 4th of July fireworks with a female relative, as we had done for years. We always left our parents to go and mingle in the big crowd with the booths and musicians. I was unpleasantly surprised to find out she and her boyfriend had planned ahead to meet. Idk why I didn't expect it. We had always just stayed together before, and she was a year younger than me! Lol. As an introvert, I didn't do much the rest of the night but stand by awkwardly while she and her bf giggled and kissed. I can still remember how abandoned and alone I felt. Ouch. I learned to handle it a little better, but these days I still feel like I'm trying to disappear into the wallpaper when it happens.
  7. Hello!

    Welcome! Ooh, what did you write? I love writing.
  8. "The One God Has for You" vs. Free Will

    I don't believe in the idea of soulmates as in, "There's one person for you, and God picked him out from the moment of your birth, and his name is George or whatever, good luck finding him without a map." But I do believe in prayer and that God knows people well enough to take a look around and see who might fit with whom. I have to believe that, anyway. I'm such a misfit, it's gonna take a miracle.
  9. My feelings on this matter are kind of ambivalent. On the one hand, it would be highly hypocritical of me to say a flat-out "No." I am heterosexual. I do NOT identify as bisexual, in that, beyond choosing heterosexuality, I am really put off by the idea of sleeping with a woman. In addition, it is a lifestyle I cannot totally reconcile with my morals and religious beliefs. But I will confess I have experienced "girl crushes" before, and the thought of kissing a woman is actually kind of appealing to me. So obviously the potential for same-sex attraction is there, even if it is not wholly sexual. I think this has to do with me being something of a demi-sexual. Too, my best friend is a male who identifies as homosexual. I have to be honest, since I do not judge him and he does not judge me, the dynamic of hanging out with a gay man is way more comfortable than hanging out with the typical hetero man. Bisexual does not equal gay, obviously, but I feel like there would still be less chest-pounding adherence to the stereotypical macho-man persona. Hearing guys score girls' breasts on a 1-10 and crack rape jokes got old quick for me. If a man is in touch with his feminine side, even a little, that's probably a good thing for our dynamic. My favorite flirtation partner to date was a man who was, quite honestly, so bisexual that he felt compelled to reassure me he was NOT bisexual during conversation. Maybe he was just not bisexual in the same way that I'm not bisexual, Idk. But flirting with him was very creative and fluid and not stilted at all. It was a kind of uninhibition that was appealing, I suppose (which is maybe a laugh coming from a waiter . . .? Lol, I hope not). BUT . . . but . . . but . . . I gotta be honest. As a waiter, it would be absolutely DEVASTATING to me to accept a bisexual partner--expecting, obviously, that he gets to be heterosexual with me for the rest of his life and LIKE IT, DAMN IT--and then find out that what I had really wound up with was a homosexual husband. I feel that is a real concern for waiters, women especially. I have heard more than one anecdote about a woman being "blessed" enough to find that man of her dreams, only to find out after the fact (and after many awkward and humiliating bedroom attempts) that he found it so easy to abstain because he was gay. Other cons, for me: I don't wanna do with my man what most gay men do with each other (you know). I also don't wanna hear him whine and pine about it. Someone who identifies as bisexual is probably going to be a bit more sexually experienced than I would be comfortable with in terms of having multiple partners. I like a certain conservativeness. There is a difference to me, just having an appreciation of one's own sex versus a real desire to be sexual with them. Hetero- or homo- or bi-sexual, I'm really not about the free-wheeling free-love attitude. At all.
  10. Singlehood

    I have to be honest, and this is a sore spot on my self-esteem, but the reason I'm not actively LOOKING for a relationship is that, despite my age and a college degree, I'm currently living with the folks and my only income is a very erratic and meagre dribble from book sales. It's insignificant, tbh. I might as well be totally unemployed and video gaming all day from a financial standpoint. But I don't necessarily think that would change if I got a "real" job, moved out, and started looking. It certainly wasn't different when I was at college and pretty much aching for some romantic company. WTM is a factor, probably the primary one. There aren't that many men WTM to begin with, and fewer still looking for a woman my age. Nothing like WTM to make a girl feel old before she's 30! Lol, I know I speak for myself only. To echo what some others have said, I'm a weirdo. Ha. And an enigma. I sometimes think I suffer from "attractive introvert" syndrome, though I'm no VS model. A lot of men look right through me, and I suspect the ones that don't think I'm too stuck-up for them. I'm not really shy, but chit-chat causes me to freeze up and become awkward. I have Christian religious beliefs which do not line up with the Christian norm, but at the same time they do not entirely line up with my religion! I'm a square peg, for sure. Finally, I don't connect on a deep level with many people, and that's what I need in a relationship. I don't just want a nice, decently attractive man who respects my beliefs (and they're hard enough to come by). I want my best friend. I don't see the point in settling for less.
  11. Hello from Toronto, Canada!

    Welcome, welcome, welcome.
  12. I'm not much for weddings. I do agree with bethreny's point about wedding gifts being a big help to couples just starting out, but as for me, I'd far prefer just going to a justice of the peace. I don't mind using secondhand dishes or appliances, anyway, but I know it would bother some people. I guess in the end, I'm just a pretty private person and probably wouldn't even bother making a Facebook announcement.
  13. If you could be anything in the world...

    I just want to be able to pay my bills with my writing. I'd love to learn Italian, but I always quit studying. Oh!!! And fencing! I took a fencing class in college, and I think it might have been the ONE athletic activity at which I could have excelled. I would love to learn to fence.
  14. What do you LIKE about WTM ?

    I've read more into a couple guys than was actually there . . . seeing what I wanted to see, I suppose. That's not to say we didn't have mad chemistry, but clearly the real affection was all on my side. I had the most profound crush of my life on a young man at college. It lasted nearly 3 years and was a total infatuation. Once I left, I thought about him for at least a year. Looking back, I'm pretty sure he never gave me a second thought when I wasn't right in front of him. WTM has allowed me to hold onto my dignity, at least where men are concerned. I don't want to be some DudeBro's high-five the morning after. I'm more than that. I'm sure I made a fool of myself getting so attached to nothing, but at least the foolishness took place mostly in my head.
  15. Favorite thing about being here...

    Before I found this place, I felt like I was fighting an inherently losing battle. I even had meltdowns just thinking about the impossible position I had put myself in as an adult waiter. I would think, "This is impossible. This is ridiculous. How does anyone do this? I'm going to be alone forever. It's not them, it's me. I have chosen loneliness by choosing to wait." Not that I regretted my decision--I was just convinced that it amounted to taking a lifelong vow of celibacy. End of story, what else can I get into while I'm waiting to die? Now I feel completely different. Now that I know there are other people, and diverse people no less, I find I am not even as anxious to find a relationship as I used to be. It's as if realizing it was possible took the edge off. I almost feel as if I could wait forever now. My view on my own life has changed.
  16. Are you worth it?

    I don't think people fall in love because of some check list. I mean if I were beautiful, wealthy, perfectly zen, a bikini model and world-famous chef who donated all my profits to charity, I'm sure I'd be on more men's radar. But does that mean it would work? That among all those men, I would find one who made me feel something warm and comfortable and right? Maybe it's because I get along with people but don't connect with very many. I don't want to be worth it. I don't want him to be worth it. I want to meet that person who has some indefinable thing in his soul that makes him feel like he's found home when he gets to know me. I want to feel that way about him. I don't want to get caught up in "am I good enough, is this good enough," because that's how people write resumes. It's not how they fall in love. Love is unpredictable, lightning in a bottle.
  17. Honestly? If I could clone me (as a male), me and my me-fella would be out riding a two-seater bicycle through the park right now, with a picnic basket filled with apples, brie, and toast waiting for us. No shame.
  18. Missing out

    I get it. Believe me, I get it. It is a grieving process, and no words of encouragement or platitudes on how waiting is worth it will ever restore the youth that's gone. Not that 31 is old--at all. It's young. But the teens and 20s are riper in terms of opportunities than any other. I'm not old, either. I'm pushing 30, but the fact is that pushing 30 is vastly different from pushing 20. And once I hit 30, I'll be pushing 40. 20 is never coming around again. I didn't even get to date during my 20s, because people just don't date like I do anymore. So instead of feeling vibrant and desired at what is, arguably, the peak of an American woman's desirability, I felt invisible and sexless. Now, I see age on my face and my body. Again, not OLD age, just . . . age. Puffy eyes that sometimes linger well into the day. Cellulite that wasn't there before. Little things I might not notice if I weren't so fervently hoping to delay them. See, my biggest fear is that if (when) I do find someone, I will never be as pretty or sexy or exciting as I would have been at 22. Therefore, not only will he have missed out on me at that age . . . I will have missed out on me, as well. I'm not trying to help you dig this hole of bitterness. I just want you to know I get it. So often, the optimism and apparent contentedness of fellow waiters passes right over my head. I don't know how they stay so upbeat. In a sick way, it actually comforts me to know someone else feels this. That said, my puffy eyes or cellulite will never be as unattractive as the chip I have on my shoulder over this. And you are a young man with more complexity, resolve, and depth of character than most. The sex you have now (or in the future) will always be better than the sex you had (or didn't have) yesterday, because it will be happening NOW. Your bitterness is not insurmountable. Nor is mine. There is a line in the fabulous movie No Country for Old Men that sometimes occurs to me when I am pondering things like this. It may be in the book as well, but in any case, it goes like this: Now that you've realized what is bothering you, I hope you can climb over your grief and let go of what's gone. Same for me.
  19. This happened to me when I was younger, primarily because young people talk about sex. That's really the solution, as I've found. Don't talk about sex with people who are going to think your stance is ridiculous. Sadly, that's most people. This might be a little trickier when you're young AND a male, but the thing is, your sexuality is nobody's business! If you want to brush off somebody's question or insinuation with a half-truth (or even a blatant lie, I suppose), imo that's your option. It might be a lot nobler to openly stand up for waiting, but you and I both know how futile it is. Sorry I can't be more helpful than that. I've found that even people who agree with my stance tend to believe it's a hopeless one! (That does not include people here, of course.) 19 is also a great age to get new friends. Ones who accept you and respect your decisions, as friends should. Easier said than done, maybe, but something to think about.
  20. Hello again :)

    I gather you have been here before. Welcome.
  21. I'm a lot like you. Going to be 28 in a couple months. I'm concerned something like this will happen to me, though on the flipside. I absolutely do not want children, not because I don't like them but because the world today is an appallingly violent and apathetic place. Every time I hear of something awful happening to a child, I am relieved to think I will never have them (save for an "accident" of course, in which case I hope I would embrace it). I'm sorry this happened to you. It's hard enough to meet people as it is, and then one has to worry about chemistry and commonality on top of it. Don't give up on love in your life.
  22. Lol, Egirly. That would be the perfect in-your-face response to being asked, "Can we do other things? *wink wink*?"
  23. I do not believe in engaging in acts that lead to orgasm--I guess that's as simply as I can put it. Men have pushed my boundaries before, and I always walked away feeling sinful and disrespected. I had a friend once who was younger than me, and she was waiting but was quick to assure, "I mean, I've done other things," by which she meant oral/manual. To me, it's like adding, "I'm waiting--but don't worry, not really. You'll still be happy ;)" Which seems wrong to me. Some people even prefer oral sex to intercourse. I'm not Snow White, but I guess I feel that waiting should be hard. There is an effort there that should be required, which I think would be quite cheapened by walking away from a date sexually satisfied, just as you would have done if you weren't waiting at all. I will say, however, as to the concept of lust--sexual attraction itself is not lust. When people say that there is something wrong with kissing your partner because it might cause lust, that seems peculiar to me. I don't think there's anything WRONG with waiting to kiss or even hold hands, but it doesn't seem healthy to try and conduct a courtship completely without sexual attraction.
  24. I have to admit that you sometimes lose me with your posts, GodsPhysicist, but that line in particular stuck out for me. I hope I'm not misunderstanding it. For me, that is exactly what it has felt like at times: a tragedy of MY humanity. I had a high sex drive for most of my life, and though it has evened out, my sexuality is still very present. It feels like a denial of an enormous part of my identity that I have never been able to embrace someone in that way, to share sex with someone, or to fully, physically comprehend it myself. It's like an unstudied part of my being that, for want of having a partner, I must deny, possibly forever. Yet I am painfully aware of its existence. There must be people who, even while sexual, feel satisfied enjoying their sexuality in a selfish manner. When I say this, I mean people who prefer pornography to existing partners, and perhaps even people who would rather enjoy sex with prostitues or endless casual partners. I am not like that at all. In order to fully embrace my sexuality, I NEED another person whom I love and trust, and I NEED to be actually, physically affectionate and sexual with that person. To say that waiting has allowed me to reach my full potential as a person would be a lie. In fact, I believe it has led to a measure of depression I must try to overcome daily, and that in itself affects my life. I believe waiting is the right thing to do, and so I do it, but I cannot pretend that it has brought joy into my life. Depression, also, does not exactly make one fit for a spouse, so it can be a vicious cycle. I don't know what the point of the pain might be.
  25. Obligatory Introduction

    I know, right? I went from feeling almost totally alone to feeling . . . not alone. Hm. Not very eloquent, but still. I'm so glad the site exists! Thanks again to everyone for being so welcoming.