Will H

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Posts posted by Will H


  1. If you are a gal and you are interested in a guy, but he hasn’t pursued you, there are a couple of possibilities:

    If you don’t pursue him and he’s not interested: you waste a lot of time and heartache pining over someone that won’t form a relationship with you.

    If you don’t pursue him and he is interested in you: you miss out on a wonderful relationship.

    If you do pursue him and he’s not interested: you know and you can move on. It might hurt to know he’s not into you, but is it better to prolong knowing for weeks or even months?

    If you do pursue him and he’s interested in you: congrats! you have a relationship!

    It seems to me that a gal pursuing a guy who hasn’t yet indicated interest leads to better results than a gal who chooses not to pursue a guy.

    1 person likes this

  2. Recently, I was going through my matches for online dating and saw that a lovely young lady had reached out to me. But the thing was: she looks almost exactly like an ex who really hurt me in the past.

    I found myself in a really weird predicament. On the one hand, I knew this wasn’t the person who hurt me and so pre-judging based on another person’s actions seemed unfair. On the other hand, I was concerned about bringing up painful memories and wasn’t sure that I could guarantee that I would separate her from my feelings about my ex.

    What would you do in that situation? Would you date someone who is a doppelgänger of your ex, especially if things ended badly between you two?


  3. On 3/25/2018 at 3:34 PM, 'tis the Bearded One said:

    I know with food-drives that there is an issue with people donating out of date cans and its a cost on the charity to sort them all out. It doesn't bother me (generally) if something is out of date but they can't pass it on. I wonder if they differentiate between "use by" and "best before"...

    I admit I’ve done that before, and I’ve never really thought about the cost to the charities. Thanks for mentioning it.


  4. I read once that Del Monte canned peaches have quality standards for the shape of the peaches. For all the peaches that are too large, small, misshapen, whatever, Del Monte sells them as off-brand peaches. So if you want to save money and are okay with peaches that don't match the appearance standards, by the off-brand peaches.

    1 person likes this

  5. On 3/8/2018 at 6:52 PM, 'tis the Bearded One said:
    On 2/10/2018 at 10:26 PM, Will H said:

    even my pastor at church didn't feel like waiting till marriage was something to do

    :blink: what has this world come to!

    From their perspective, the Bible doesn't outright condemn pre-marital sex (which usually boils down to what the exact meaning of the Greek word πορνεία (porneia), usually translated as "fornication"). There's also a pretty strong emotional component to their views too, with arguments like "if two people are in a committed, loving relationship with each other, is it really so bad that they're doing what married people in a committed, loving relationship are doing?" or "Does God care about their hearts or about a piece of paper from the county courthouse?". This particular pastor also didn't have a strong opinion of church tradition, feeling it was far too influenced by "patriarchal biases". I hear too a pretty common theme of not wanting to be a judgemental church telling people wanting to do, but instead wanting to be welcoming and forgiving to everyone, regardless of where they are.

    It's sadly a more common viewpoint among pastors, especially young ones. You could be cynical and say that society and/or their political viewpoints are coloring their faith, or that they'd rather not have to be countercultural and tell people they can't have premarital sex.

    Getting back on topic, there's plenty of Christians who disagree with all this and are pro-waiting till marriage. Heck, this site even has an article from a gay waiter-till-marriage who noted that meeting gay Christians who supported waiting till marriage was extremely helpful to him. We're out there, but we don't tend to advertise our presence, you know?


  6. I’m glad to hear that you were able to have a frank discussion about sex and your differences in opinion on it. A lot of couples don’t until it’s too late.

    And while I do think you’re making the right choice, I’m sorry It isn’t going to work out. I know you said you liked each other a lot, and that’s always painful to leave behind, even if it’s for the right reasons.

    I know you’ll be able to find the right guy who respects you and your values.

    1 person likes this

  7. 11 hours ago, Hannah620 said:

    @Will H he said he watches pornography to fulfill his sexual needs

    My question was rhetorical. Having been in that situation myself, I think that while pornography may sate sexual desires, it also creates more. I think that this guy's "needs" are out of whack, and if he had never gotten into pornography, his natural desires for sex would be much less. It's not unlike an alcoholic drinking to "sate his needs". Sure, it works then, but it creates a cycle of continued dependence requiring more.

    Also, I find it interesting that he calls it "needs". Are they things he truly needs to live a fulfilling and happy life, or are they something else? Again, an alcoholic doesn't have needs for alcohol, although perhaps it's used to self-medicate some other need.


  8. For me, the reason I'm waiting isn't just about purity, it's about trust and respect. I want someone who respects my moral convictions and whom I can trust in the future to remain faithful. I also want our marriage to be built on more than just physical intimacy. I'm in it for the long haul!

    Someone who has waited their whole life until marriage has a proven track record. While that's not to say that it's 100% certain that they will remain faithful, I have a lot more trust that they will.

    For someone who hasn't waited, I think I need to look at their attitudes towards why they didn't wait and how they felt about it now. For instance, someone who was pressured into sex once and regretted it since would be easier for me to marry than someone who has had many sexual partners and to this day feels like there's nothing wrong with it. I'd have to figure it out on a case-by-case basis, and we'd have to have a lot of talks to make sure we're on the same page.

    I do think that I'd need someone who is willing to wait until marriage even if I wasn't in the picture. I would probably be suspicious if they are only waiting because I asked them to, but would be having sex if they were in a different relationship with someone who didn't. Again, it's about the reasons behind waiting. If someone has a past they aren't proud of, yet are willing to wait for the same reasons I am, I'd like to think I'd be okay with that. But I guess I won't know unless it happens.

    Suffice it to say that criticizing my decision to wait (even if they haven't had sex themselves!) is an instant dealbreaker.

    1 person likes this

  9. Quote

    He keeps saying I’m trying to change him and he won’t just stop watching. I told him I’d try to move past it, but I don’t know if I can.

    So he's not willing to change for you, and he's pressuring you to change for him? That doesn't sound like a very healthy situation.

    Quote

    but he however has sexual needs and watches pornography to fulfill those needs. He said he doesn’t have a problem with me not being sexual and won’t force anything on me, but he still has to take care of his needs.

    Does he watch pornography to fulfill his sexual needs or does he have sexual needs because he watches pornography? As a guy who has struggled with it in the past, I definitely found that pornography created a feedback loop that wound up causing the majority of those desires. Our bodies aren't designed for instant access to sexual stimulation of any type we can dream up.

    Quote

    However, I don’t like him watching porn. It upsets me that he looks at other women and won’t wait for me until I’m ready even if we were in a relationship and he loved me.

    Say that you were to stay in a relationship all the way up to getting married. Do you see this as something you'd ever be okay with?

    And do you think he'll stop when you do get married and start having sex? It's unfortunately common for men to continue using pornography into marriage to the point where it starts substituting for sex. Here's what one researcher says:

    Quote

    For how can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond “More, more, you big stud!”)—possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?

    Would you be able to you compete with that, even if you were having sex in marriage?

    Some men need an ultimatum to come to their senses: me or these women on the screen. But I admit that I don't have a lot of high hopes for this guy. The fact that he's not willing to give it up sounds to me like he's already chosen the screen over you.


  10. I abstain from alcohol, coffee, and other vices. Alcohol is mostly for my mental health, coffee because I never cared for the taste. Smoking or drugs would be dealbreakers for me and I've thankfully never gotten involved. I stay away from swearing too; never really saw the point. I admit that I've struggled with pornography in the past (a sadly common problem for guys in the internet age), but it's something I've learned to leave behind as I want to be a better person for my future wife.


  11. So in movies and such, couples spontaneously decide to have sex, then stay in the bed and sleep till morning. I always brush my teeth before going before bed and it occurred to me that those couples probably didn't brush their teeth before their spontaneous decision, and I had a hard time imagining them getting out of bed and brushing their teeth, then going back to bed.

    Do you brush your teeth and anything else you do for bed before even being open to the idea of having sex? Do you get up after sex to do it? Or do you just skip it?

    1 person likes this

  12. From the other side, I'm a Christian guy who is waiting till marriage and while I do sometimes find women who are also waiting, it's frustrating to find those who aren't. I remember at one point freaking out that I was the only person I knew who was waiting till marriage, and found that both friends and even my pastor at church didn't feel like it was something to do.

    To be honest, this was one of the reasons that I decided to leave my church and switch denominations. I really found it too stressful to be at a church that was okay with premarital sex, not only due to my own religious convictions, but also because I just felt it was too isolating to not have anybody support me in my decision. I'm currently attending a Catholic Church, and of course they are very much supportive of waiting till marriage (or being celibate in the case of the priesthood).

    There are Christian guys out there who, like you, are looking for a Christian woman who is waiting. It's a pain that you can't find each other. If he's not in the places you've already looked, maybe he's somewhere new. Of course, you'll need to be okay with searching there, and relying on God to guide you.


  13. So I've been online dating for a while and oftentimes wind up with one-way conversations with people I'm matched with. I ask open-ended questions, and while she responds, she doesn't really ask questions back. After a while, it starts feeling like a job interview. I don't know if she's not interested or is shy or what. Honestly, it's something that really makes me less interested in her.

    How do you deal with these one-sided conversations in online dating?

    1 person likes this

  14. Thanks to both of you for your responses.

    On 8/28/2017 at 3:08 PM, Invincible said:

    I think for me, I get insecure when people accuse me of being unable to attract women and I'm just using WTM as a false crutch to hide that fact. That really scared me because I never been in a relationship before. 

    That could be an element. I haven't dated a lot, and I've been fortunate enough to know in relationships that have been kind of serious that the other person was waiting too, so that was comforting. I'm sure that being a person of faith helped a lot with it. Honestly, I don't know how I would react if I fell for someone who wasn't a waiter because it's never happened yet (or rather, it's never gotten to the point where I'd have to consider if it was a dealbreaker in a relationship). I'd like to think that I'd be able to thoughtfully consider it, but perhaps there is an element of fear to it. And yeah, maybe there is a fear that even though I've dated people who are waiters, there aren't any more out there or that I'll never find them.

    On 8/28/2017 at 6:37 PM, Adam said:

    All things considered, deciding to wait might seem like an "illogical" thing to do. Since most people don't wait, you might assume that makes them "logical". Now the issue ceases to be about fitting in with everybody else and becomes all about questioning your own intelligence. I think this is what's bothering you, but I could be way off and I apologize if I am.

    That may be part of it. I guess growing up in a democratic society where majority vote is seen as a good thing, it can be tough sometimes to feel part of the minority on something I feel is important. There is an element of social isolation too, I suppose, which makes it more feelings-based and less "logical".

    It's possible that part of it is that I take it as a judgement against my morals. It occurred to me that I sometimes feel a similar reaction when someone derogatively says I'm a "prude". My morals and values are pretty important to me, so maybe that's why I'm bothered by it?

     


  15. I feel pretty confident in my decision to wait until marriage for sex, but I have realized that I feel really insecure when confronted with the fact that it's not "normal", by which I mean that it is a minority opinion. 

    What's strange to me is that I am against the norm on a number of things. For instance, it doesn't bother me much when I find myself against the norm on a political or ideological belief. But for some reason, going against the norm on waiting until marriage bothers me. The other day I'd read something on how few people, even among religious circles, were waiting until marriage and I started freaking out and had to take a walk to calm down. 

    To be clear, I don't think plan to go have sex just to "fit in" (and I doubt that would really solve anything). That's why I say I'm confident in my decision to wait; I honestly can't see that changing.

    But I don't know why I get so bothered by this not being "normal" or how I can deal with it. What does that say about me that this is where I am?


  16. I attend a Lutheran church, and have spent a lot of time in Catholic churches, although to me which denomination you go to is generally less important so long as you find one where you can worship God.

    As for why there are different denominations, I'm going to go into full on academic mode here. ;) It seems to me that denominations largely stem from the two primary ways of understanding how we learn about God and the Bible:

    It's up to the church to understand the Bible, and they guide individuals in the right teachings: While we continue to refer to the Bible, we recognize that there are different ways to interpret it. In the event of a conflict, we defer to the historical tradition within the worldwide church. Additionally, we trust that the church as a whole will guide its members to make the right decisions for any issues of the day that come. This is the main view of Catholics, and to a lesser extent Anglicans and Methodists. The main criticism of this view is that the church is still led by fallible humans and sometimes has made decisions that, in retrospect, were not in line with what we feel matches God's will (sale of indulgences, Crusades, etc.). The centralized authority of these denominations tends to make them fewer in number (with only a handful of major ones), but they are much larger in size.

    It's up to the individual to understand the Bible, and they should decide for themselves the right teachings: The technical term for this is sola scriptura (Latin for "scripture alone"). Basically, the only infallible teaching is the Bible, and traditions, even those held by the larger church, can be a hindrance to that understanding. Lutherans, Baptists, and the vast majority of denominations (including "non-denominational" churches) fall into this category. The main criticism of this view is that without an authority to weigh in on the correct interpretation of scripture, there will be a lot of divisions as people will read a Bible passage and come to two (or more) contradicting interpretations, both of which they feel is correct. For instance, should a Christian be baptized by immersion or is pouring water on them enough? There's also disagreements on how much of the Bible applies to today and how much was only relevant to the culture at the time it was written. Because of these differing interpretations, there are thousands and thousands of such denominations worldwide of varying sizes.

    A lot of divisive issues for Christians, particularly with what is or isn't a sin and how we should live our life as Christians, tend to come back to these two differing views. I recognize that some of these differences can seem very divisive (early Christianity were divided over whether or not Christians should follow Jewish dietary laws. Today, a major division is over homosexuality). There aren't a lot of easy answers, especially when the stakes feel very big.

    There's of course the question of "why can't we stop arguing and making divisions?". My personal observation is that the former group tends to respond by saying "Let's unify together as we take our journey of faith, with the guidance of those who know best." The latter tends to respond by saying "I don't trust others telling me how to live out my faith. Let's each just focus on our own journey." Is one better or worse? I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that it's not an easy problem to solve.

    Despite all of those big debates, one thing that the vast majority of Christians do agree on is our understanding of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, as well as how we are saved. You may have heard the Nicene Creed in your church. Those words have been repeated by Christians worldwide for nearly 1700 years to show our unified understanding of all of these fundamental beliefs, the ones that we feel are the most important. 

    TL/DR: Denominations happen because we have disagreements over how we learn from God, and in response to that, how we understand how to live our lives. But we do have several beliefs that we are united in, and that's what's important.


  17. Boundless.org (a site for young adult Christians, focused on leading to marriage) just had an article called Don't Marry Yourself, and they opened with the Seinfeld clip that @HeWhoWaits shared). One thing that I liked was that it pointed out that sometimes we may be looking for someone who values a particular thing (like a particular hobby), but in reality we are looking for similarity with some deeper value:

    Quote

    For the longest time I thought I valued running. It's an important part of my life, and I devote time and money to it. I assumed it was something I needed to share with my wife. But, as it turns out, my fiancée and I just couldn't get into a good running routine. Our paces are different, and she prefers walking or hiking. During this process, I've realized it's not running I value — it's an active lifestyle. And my fiancée shares this value through healthy eating and getting outside. If I would have clung to my running value without seeing that running was a passion growing out of valuing a healthy life, I would've missed the gift of my future wife.

     

     

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  18. On 12/26/2016 at 3:55 PM, Buster Cannon said:

    Biblically, the household would be out of order if the wife is the head of the family. In spite of the wife's personality or the husband's level of biblical knowledge, there's a distinct responsibility given to each spouse. The husband has to perform his role, even if it means that one has to do a lot of catch up work.

    What would you say would be the consequences of an out of order house if the wife was the spiritual leader?


  19. I think many people, particularly in the Christian faith, have an expectation that the husband in a marriage is the spiritual leader of the family. How would you feel if the wife was the spiritual leader of the family instead? 

    This might be for a number of reasons. Perhaps the wife has a more dominant personality and generally takes more leadership roles. Perhaps the husband has less religious education. Or perhaps the husband is a recent convert and the wife is a lifelong person of faith.

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