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About l8dyluck81

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 04/10/1981

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    Rochester, NY
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    Paddleboarding, crochet, nature walks, animals, Bon Jovi, cooking, volunteering, reading

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  1. "How Secular Family Values Stack Up"

    That study only proves the notion that that all humans are born with a God-given moral nature. That doesn't change just because a person doesn't want to believe in God.
  2. I think your purpose would best be served in finding a woman who will love and accept you as you are. You likely will have to compromise a bit on what she looks like though. I'm not saying that it's not fun to fantasize because it is, but in many more cases than not, the "perfect 10" woman doesn't exist. More often than not, a physically beautiful girl may have all the best outside parts, but her inside needs a lot of work and upkeep. It's always better to put more of a focus on character rather than beauty. Beauty fades, personalities last forever. I have had to learn that lesson myself this past year. Though it's important to feel physical attraction and we all have our preferences, if you expand your expectations, that can only help you in the long run. What I realized for myself is that even though it would be great if I looked more like a supermodel, if I were that gorgeous, I wouldn't want the kind of guy who would only be attracted to women of my supposed caliber anyway. I want someone who loves and accepts me as I am today, someone who knows what's really important in a woman. I'm only pointing out that that's my perspective, I'm not directing that thought to anyone personally. I think if you're happy with where you are in life, you'll attract the person who's right for you. No need to worry about whether or not certain people would accept you the way you are today. If they wouldn't, they're not the one for you anyhow.
  3. Nicole, you took the words right out of my mouth! I agree with you 100%.
  4. I have to say, I'm getting to the point where I'm realizing just how much toxic messages there are in popular culture. We're unconsciously absorbing the content of songs and shows that glorify all kinds of sin. I can't really justify it as entertainment anymore.
  5. For me, it's just as much about the process. The thing is, I know most folks who wait tend to fixate on the end result. It is important to hope and dream about your future spouse and wedding, but to me waiting is just as much about my walk with God. It's about honoring Him, not just waiting for the Big Payoff. Who knows? I might never get married. Then what? Get angry with God for not delivering on the "promise" I think He made to me for being the "good girl"? I don't know, but I just think that abstaining from sex while single should be about more than just hoping to win the Ultimate Prize. Not that anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do! These are just my own feelings on the matter.
  6. "Just Friends"

    I can definitely understand where the OP is coming from. I think everyone struggles sometimes with the question of how to become more desirable to the opposite sex. I've found that it helps to remember that failure is the default setting in dating. Does this mean that you should throw in the towel? No, because then no one ever wins. We deserve to have the best partner because we will BE the best partner for someone who is equally deserving. Though dating does suck by definition, to potentially deprive the right person from the glory of your love would ultimately be the saddest thing. But I know how frustrating it can be. I have the hardest time being patient and I think a lot of people are like that. As an adult virgin, I've definitely had a hard time with it because it's seemingly taking for-EVER. I thought that once I slimmed down and got on a few dating sites, I'd be swimming in date offers. While I don't lack for male attention online, I've found that the number of men who are actually interested in meeting me are much fewer than I originally anticipated. Then subtract from those men the number of guys who are actually compatible with me AND want the same things for their future, AND are willing to wait for marriage to have sex. That's a pretty small number at the end of the day. I had to learn that if I looked at it as a rejection every time a guy just glanced at my profile and didn't message me, or didn't ask me out within a few emails, or passed me by on the street without a second glance, I'd wind up feeling horrible about myself. And I have; there have been plenty of times when I've wondered why I'm not getting flooded with emails on dating sites, or why most guys seem to just look (if that) but never approach me in public. It made me feel like there was something really wrong with me, until I realized two things. One is that my thinking was all wrong. If what I'm looking for is an honorable, practicing-Catholic/Christian man who will treat me with the respect and dignity I deserve, someone with integrity, who will stand by me in my walk with God, then by default, the majority of men are not worth my time. The other thing I've realized is that I was looking to men to validate my sense of self worth when the only one whose opinion really matters (aside from my own) is God's. It could be that there are things the OP could do to maximize his chances of success. Checking out dating coach Stephan Erdman's page is a good place to start. Giving yourself a break and changing your perspective could also do wonders. Just please don't get so discouraged that you give up entirely - you're worth the effort and your future wife will thank you!
  7. I can't say I know anyone currently who is waiting but I've met a handful of people over the years who were waiters.
  8. Premarital counseling?

    I would absolutely do counseling. Being Catholic, I think it's already a requirement to do marriage classes, but if my partner agreed, counseling would be a definite yes. Why not be as prepared as possible?
  9. Freezing eggs isn't a simple, inexpensive procedure though. It costs tens of thousands of dollars and involves hormone therapy, fertility drugs, painful extraction and implantation procedures, and lots of time spent doing these things which might not result in an actual viable pregnancy. I think if it comes down to either that or adoption, I'd take the latter route. Sure, it's a bummer to not have your own biological kids, but I believe it's better to spend all that money on a child who really needs a good home. God works in mysterious ways and I think it's important to be open to any possibility for having kids.
  10. I agree with his points, he makes a lot of sense. The only thing I take issue with is the assumption that people who get married later in life are always putting it off on purpose. Some of us in our 30s and beyond have always wanted to get married and start a family. We just weren't lucky enough to find the right person early on like he did. Maybe it's true that there's too much of a focus on going to college and getting a career off the ground first, but there's an element of luck involved even if you are consciously searching. I've been actively on the dating scene for two years and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. In a few months I'll be 34 and I'm definitely starting to feel the time crunch. I hate it, but it is what it is. I never intended to still be single at this age, but I bought into the lie that it would happen "when I least expect it". Well, I certainly wasn't expecting it for many years in my 20s while I was gaining weight and focusing on figuring out what to do with my life (still am as a matter of fact). That would've been when I least expected it and of course, it didn't happen. It wasn't until I hit 30 that I realized I had better get cracking, so I took steps to slim down and put myself on a bunch of dating sites. Two years later, I did not imagine it would take this long to find someone I could spend the rest of my life with. My advice to those of you in your early 20s: don't wait. Don't be stupid and believe the lies that it will "just happen", that "you have plenty of time" and that you should "focus on your career and everything else will just fall into place". It won't. You'll likely still be trying to figure things out in your 30s and then you'll have lost 10-12 years when you could have been searching actively for a partner. If you want marriage and kids, the time to start planning for a family is now. Not when you're 30.
  11. Should Men Give Up Porn?

    I guess not, if you think that porn isn't dirty or that it's only a problem if it's used too frequently. It is taking an act which was designed by God for the marriage between one man and one woman, and cheapening it into "entertainment". Sex was designed by God so that man and wife would find fulfillment in each other, procreate, strengthen the emotional bond between them, and be better able to resist outside sexual temptations. Porn is designed to consume the desire that is meant for the real person in your life (or the person you could be more motivated to meet if you weren't so busy obtaining sexual release through an artificial facsimile of sex). Porn feeds the fantasy that men should be able to have uncommitted sex whenever they want. Why do you think there are so many frustrated men complaining in Internet forums about not being able to score hot chicks for one night stands? It's in part because they're seeing it on porn sites on the regular and internalizing the view that women are easily procured to be used for sex. Most porn these days doesn't even have a script. It's rare these days to see a true "fantasy" in a porn clip. In contrast to decades past, most porn these days has no plot, no real lines, no "story" beyond the basic premise. In short, there is usually nothing readily apparent that would set up the user to immediately realize it's fake.That makes it much harder to separate what's real from what isn't. Especially since so much is gonzo porn, where the viewer is made to believe that the guys in the film are just randomly encountering women on the street and screwing them. Going into porn may be a choice for some, but that doesn't give people the right to use it. Just as if someone tells you they stole an expensive stereo and offers to sell it to you cheap, you wouldn't take it because you know it's wrong to accept stolen property. Just as it's wrong to consume pornography, regardless of whether or not there are willing participants. Just cuz they're selling, don't mean you have to buy!
  12. Should Men Give Up Porn?

    Cookie, The kind of porn that is widely available today is vastly different from the "porn" that cave-dwellers drew on stone walls. That kind of thing was considered art because it celebrated the beauty of the natural human being. Porn, by its very nature, exists solely to entice the user to view the human participants as sexual objects only. That is why it is wrong: because people are being used, and to use other human beings toward your own selfish end is never morally right, even when they willingly allow it. Also, I want to point out that porn use is not normal, it has been NORMALIZED by the media and the ubiquity of it on the Internet. Did you know there are cultures in this world in which the people have no clue what masturbation is or even how it's done? That proves to me that it's not an inherently inbred predisposition for humans to habitually seek sexual release without a partner. Rather, it seems more like a social construct that's become more widely accepted in the years since the first printing press was invented. This is no surprise in a culture that is now so cravenly oversexed that toddlers are being dressed up as hookers and paraded around on tv, and teen mothers are glorified in their very own reality series. Also, I disagree that porn use feeds an individual's sexual fantasies. In many cases, porn CREATES the fantasy and spoon-feeds it to the user. How many people would really come up with things like eliminating on each other or being choked to incite an orgasm on their own? Many times the user sees something and only then gets the idea to try it out. In that way, the industry helps to create and then to feed the demand by introducing these concepts to a wide audience and then producing more and more extreme "fantasies" designed to keep users coming back. It's my personal belief that the prevalence of porn and the hookup culture go hand in hand. In particular to me as a woman wtm, it seems like guys (even the nice ones) have become incredibly spoiled by the widespread availability of porn, and the increasingly low standards of women who'll drop trou at the first sign of mutual attraction. They seem to feel entitled to receive sex with little to no real commitment or effort. The availability of the endless variety of internet porn helps to fuel their assumption that it is their right to be sexually satisfied. No matter how release is achieved or at whose expense they are choosing to siphon off their desires, instead of directing where they belong. If you want to have the best sex life you could ever have, it seems to me that abstaining from porn,and making the effort to keep your thoughts and fantasies where they belong (on your spouse) is where it's at.
  13. Should Men Give Up Porn?

    I am a woman and I love that site. Even if it is part of the "manosphere", it has great articles.
  14. Should Men Give Up Porn?

    The problem is, Cookie, that unlike other forms of entertainment, porn is designed to immerse the viewer in the experience. Especially for men, who are much more visually stimulated than women, it is not just a passive activity like watching a movie. The user is actually achieving orgasm while viewing it, which is of course what it's for. The problem with this is that the chemicals released during orgasm are designed to bond people to the person they are experiencing it with. That's how God designed the sexual experience, so a person who uses porn is "bonding" to the porn without any of the benefits of a relationship with a real person. Psychologically, that does have an effect, especially if a person is single. Over time, even with casual use, it can also affect a man's relationship with his wife because by using porn, he isn't focusing all his sexual energy on her. It also tends to make men objectify women and give them unrealistic standards to compare their partner to. This all happens on a subconscious level over time. For most people these effects don't become obvious right away - it can take years before they become apparent. Even people like me, who only used it once a week or so, can feel the negative effects. So if I, as a woman and only an occasional user of softcore porn as an adult, can have that experience, I can only imagine what it does to men who've been viewing porn regularly since they were in their early teens.
  15. Should Men Give Up Porn?

    Thanks,Paul and ChristianMan! I'll add that if you check out Reddit's NoFap threads, you can read dozens of anecdotes given by men who've sworn off porn and masturbation. They talk openly about how they could no longer perform and find real women as arousing as they normally would when they were in the grip of regular porn use. Bottom line: porn has adverse effects, whether it's an occasional indulgence or a full-blown obsession. That is a fact.