Belle Femme

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Everything posted by Belle Femme

  1. Y'all are awesome! Thanks for letting us know a little bit more about your backgrounds and interests. You are so predictable.
  2. Need some Advice...

    I will be frank with you. As mature as you think you are at 19, this is a very immature attitude to have. Sometimes maturity--and adulthood--means being the "bigger person," even when you think it's unfair.
  3. Need some Advice...

    Instead of focusing on who is right and who is wrong, try to put yourself in their perspective. I realize that you and your boyfriend have already discussed marriage and think that an engagement is a logical step in the near future. But imagine their POV. While some people do marry their high school sweethearts and stay together "til death do you part," statistically, the odds are against you. Getting engaged at 19 or 20 is unusually young. I attended a conservative southern university where 1 in 4 students found their spouse during school. Even so, most students who did get engaged during school didn't get engaged until their senior year, at 21/22. I'm sure his parents just have legitimate concerns about how young you both are. If his mom invited you on a large family vacation, especially one that is being planned well in advance, have you considered that maybe that's her peace offering? Some people are very awkward about apologizing or admitting their wrong, so they make gestures to indicate their feelings. If she's inviting you on a family vacation next year, she's acknowledging that she sees you in her son's life next year. If she's inviting you on a big family vacation, she's accepting you as part of the family. Even if you are not close now, I encourage you to try and get to know them better. Your relationship with your SO will be strained if he feels torn between you and his parents. Establishing a good relationship with them will make your future marriage easier.
  4. Men's Physical Attractiveness

    You think it's a lie that women care about personality more than looks because we care about looks among other qualities. That is a completely illogical statement. That is my takeaway from all of your statements, particularly due to the ones quoted above. If that's not what you're saying, please feel free to correct me, but reevaluate your statements to see how I drew my conclusion. I hope you realize you come across as incredibly condescending and sexist with these statements. Yeah, the vast majority of women are totally lying and/or lacking self-awareness... Yes, I'm already attracted to my husband. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. But I was single once upon a time. I wasn't attracted to my husband based on his OKCupid profile. In fact, I only thought he was sexy in one of his pictures, and it was an older one. I thought (still do, actually) he looked goofy in his one close-up photo, and I thought he just looked okay in all his other pictures. I went on a first date with him because he was FUNNY, because he was saving sex for marriage, and because he was SMART. His CONFIDENCE during our first date led to a second date. His looks were not as important as all of those qualities. Trust me, some guys contacted me on OKCupid who could have been models. They were sexy as hell. But their profiles were poorly written, or their messages to me were boring, or they were interested in casual sex. Shockingly, I didn't go out with those hotties, because, ya know, I cared about personality and sexual expectations MORE THAN looks.
  5. Gamer Guys, Hot or Not??

    Ha, seriously. With the exception of Risk, the games I listed take 1-2 hours each to play. Monopoly is like 4+ hours.
  6. "Just Friends"

    Have you tried online dating? My husband and I met on OKCupid. If you're asking out women and getting rejected, there are a lot of possible reasons why, but one could be incompatibility. While you don't really know about chemistry until a first date, with online dating, you can eliminate a lot of incompatible factors. I mean, my husband told me that the way I had answered a question about saving sex for marriage is what finally convinced him to first contact me on OKCupid! You mentioned you're in college. What kind of dates are you proposing? Asking someone out for lunch or coffee is a lot less intimidating than dinner or a planned activity. Women are more likely to accept a date for a short interval like lunch or coffee than a grander date since there's less pressure. For an even lower pressure situation, if you share a class with a woman you like, ask her if she'd like to get together and study. Then if the study session goes well, you can ask her on a real date.
  7. Deleted

    Going on a date with someone doesn't make that person your SO... My husband and I went on a bunch of real dates, and then had a bunch of skype dates, before he asked me to be his girlfriend. Neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship, but it sorta just happened. For some people, a friendship budding into romance works great for them. For me, online dating, with very clear expectations of romantic or platonic interest, worked out perfectly for me. There isn't a single magical formula for true love. That said, if your current strategy isn't working, it might be time to try something else!
  8. Gamer Guys, Hot or Not??

    If Monopoly is your board game standard, you're playing the wrong games. Check out Risk, Power Grid, Lords of Waterdeep, Settlers of Catan, Kingdom Builder, Agricola, Union Pacific... just off the top of my head.
  9. Gamer Guys, Hot or Not??

    Board gaming FTW! My husband and I are part of a weekly board gaming group.
  10. Compliments....

    You look so young isn't a compliment, but it's not necessarily an insult. I don't recommend a man saying it to a woman he likes, however, because the implication can be that he's attracted to underage women. If that sounds like a stretch, please take it from someone who is 27 and often gets mistaken for a teenager. I would be really creeped out if a man interested in me said that as a compliment. Wait until a woman is in her 40s and still looks young. Then it's a huge compliment. Ditto that #10 is sexist. I would also advise that in general, you shouldn't compliment the physical appearance of strangers. Friends, family, significant others, even very carefully done co-workers. If you really need to compliment a stranger, focus on something that's a choice or a reflection of personality, like "That's a great top!" or "I'm really impressed with your knowledge of music," or "You were so patient in that situation."
  11. Men's Physical Attractiveness

    But your argument ignores the reality that for many of us, qualities like kindness and a good sense of humor contribute to or even create physical attraction. Furthermore, your argument is based on the totally inaccurate claim that looks don't matter at all. Again, you're setting up a straw argument--that women ONLY care about personality or confidence or whatever--in order to claim that women are incapable of knowing our own perspectives in dating and/or we're outright lying. Yes, you're right that a relationship won't get started if the woman finds a man utterly repulsive. But there's a huge spectrum between the man meeting every physical perfection a woman prefers and a man being the most hideous creature on Earth. What women are saying when we list our preferences in a guy is that as long as he's not the ugliest thing we've ever seen, other qualities are more important than his looks. Plus, other qualities can enhance our physical attraction to him. There's no great mystery or propaganda here.
  12. Girls who like Star Wars...

    I love both. My husband and I watched TNG, then DS9, and now we're on Voyager. Our next sci-fi series will be TOS and then Enterprise. ALSO we dressed up as Troi and Riker for Halloween and Comic Con. We're going to another Comic Con this year, where we get to meet Michael Dorn and Terry Farrell. SO excited!!!!
  13. Gamer Guys, Hot or Not??

    My husband enjoys video games, especially when he can play with his brothers, but he doesn't prioritize it above other things. With the recent snow, he's been playing more, just because it's been way too cold for him to do his preferred outdoor activities. His interest in video games doesn't make him more or less attractive to me. I can appreciate that we have some different hobbies, just like we have some shared ones. It never interferes with our marriage, so I'm cool with him playing video games.
  14. Men's Physical Attractiveness

    Ooooookay. Where do I even start? 1) There's a difference between good looks and attraction. My husband is not conventionally attractive, but I am incredibly attracted to him. On the flip side, I can recognize that according to American society's arbitrary standards of beauty, people like Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling are Beautiful People. However, I'm not attracted to them. Regardless of what the media perpetuates, people are individuals, and we are not all attracted to the same physical type. 2) Physical attraction is based on more than just good looks. Yes, your level of physical attractiveness has to be at some arbitrary standard that differentiates from person to person. I'm not attracted to very overweight men. I'm just not. My husband might get a bit pudgy with middle age, but I'm not worried about him gaining so much weight that he would no longer be sexy in my eyes. While skinny men are my ideal (like my husband), I've been attracted to, and gone on dates with, huskier men. Their personality bumped up their attraction so that I was attracted to them, even though they weren't my "type." There are other women who might only be physically attracted to their ideal. Women are not a monolith; we are individuals, with different preferences. 3) I have no idea how you can conclude that women are lying if we say personality and/or confidence is more important than good looks. Or that we're just totally unaware of our own feelings. Like... that takes some mental gymnastics right there. It's not like the article you cited claims that women don't care at ALL about physical attraction. I feel like you're presenting a straw argument just so you can tear it down. Just because many women don't prioritize men's looks / physical attraction ABOVE ALL ELSE doesn't mean it's not still important.
  15. Girls who like Star Wars...

    I have epic plans to watch the midnight showings of the new movies and then complain bitterly about how George Lucas/Disney ruined them afterward. I'm very excited. If you ever have the privilege of watching the "updated" aka ruined versions of the originals with my husband, he will point out every CGI addition with hilarious commentary. Also we listen to Star Wars books on tape during long car rides. We drove 10 hours today from where we live to my parents' house, and we spent about half the drive listening to Scoundrels. Tl;dr If you're into Star Wars, marry someone else who is into it.
  16. Seriously Ladies - How Hard Is Waiting?

    If you google Marriage 101, it's one of the top results. We bought the full kit with the video sessions, workbooks, relationship quiz, family background sheets, and books.
  17. How far will attraction go?

    At first, I thought maybe you didn't explain yourself clearly in this thread. I thought maybe you were misinformed about the female anatomy, as so many are. But no. You literally think that a woman who has taken care of her health has made decisions that would ruin her for marriage. You actually have the audacity to tell a survivor of childhood rape that she's not a virgin. You know why your ex-fiancée met all your requirements? Because at 16, she was still little more than a child. Teenagers don't need to see a gynecologist unless they're sexually active. Many teenagers have very light periods and don't even think about wearing tampons. I didn't wear tampons until I was 17. While a woman who is not sexually active can delay her first gynecological visit to an extent, having a pelvic exam is strongly recommended to women in their early 20s, including virgins. I put it off until I was 24, and the gynecologist told me I really should have had an exam sooner. But in college, at 18 and 21, I'd had two bacterial infections that did require a pelvic exam to treat, just of a different kind, handled by a nurse practitioner and a general practitioner. Your dating pool is basically underage girls, and no, that's not actually a suggestion. That's to point out how unrealistic and dangerous your expectations are. Oh, and hymens can't be ruptured. Did you read the links I shared? Because you're still spouting off myths about the hymen.
  18. How far will attraction go?

    Please, everyone, read up on all the myths surrounding hymens. I am seriously disturbed at the continued misinformation from some members of this website. Myths about the Hymen Q&A about Virginity
  19. Hello all!

    You sound quite accomplished! Can you share where you attended grad school for your Ph.D., or are you worried about doxxing yourself? Also, to be working as a theoretical physicist at only 24 is quite impressive. When did you graduate high school? My husband and I love museums too. Well, we both love science museums, and I love art museums. He just tolerates art museums for my sake. I'm partial to French art myself, but I'm a bit biased after having lived there. I'm a bit like most amateur art enthusiasts in that I love Impressionism. I'm more fortunate that most, however, since my travels abroad have allowed me to see about a quarter of Monet's paintings, many from private collections that were on public display for the very first time. He's only my second-favorite artist, however, after Degas. Are you interested in art? Since you've published a book and you're an accomplished musician, you should check out out forums for artistic projects. I'm sure some folks would LOVE for you to do an AMA about the publishing process or what you've done as a musician. Bienvenue!
  20. troubling article

    You are correct. Purity culture does not refer to the personal choices of men and women who choose to WTM. Purity culture refers to a set of attitudes and teachings within conservative religious communities. These attitudes and teachings include, but are not limited to: Men are visual creatures (and women are not), who are very prone to lust Women's clothing and bodies cause men to lust If a woman causes a man to lust, she is equally responsible for his sin These teachings usually conflate lust with biological, sexual reactions, like an erection Men are frequently described with animalistic urges, and they are unable to control themselves If a man sins sexually, he has "stumbled in his walk" If a woman sins sexually, she is forever ruined A woman's goodness and morality is tied to her sexual history A woman's body belongs to her husband A wife sins when she denies sex to her husband; that is, if she says no to his advances, she has sinned against both God and her husband If you have not experienced purity culture, consider yourself lucky. No Shame Movement, which is also linked in the Thought Catalog article, is an excellent resource of men and women who have been harmed by purity culture. Like Steadfast Madcap, the original, unedited article disturbs me greatly, since there is very little context and great generalizations. I decline my husband's advances or provide a counteroffer often, and he hasn't been hurt or rejected. I also just asked him if he feels like he's not "good enough" if I tell him certain things need to be done before we can have sex. Unsurprisingly, he said no, that he understands if I have other things on my mind that must be settled first. The whole bit criticizing wives for only having sex under certain circumstances, saying it's bad to say "not that way" also greatly implies that we can't refuse certain sexual acts. This is especially true with the insistence that men constantly need new, exciting kinds of sex with their wives. I'm not a bad or sinful wife for setting boundaries in my relationship.
  21. 1st date

    I kissed my husband on our second date. The circumstances weren't really right to kiss him on the first date, but I totally would have.
  22. Seriously Ladies - How Hard Is Waiting?

    You're putting the cart ahead of the horse. Honestly, your fears can be avoided by being careful with who you choose to marry. In regards to the "sexless" part, when I see men complaining online about their "sexless" marriages, often (not always) it becomes clear the problem is them and not their wives. The complaints tend to pop up after they have kids, because the men expect sex to be as frequent as it was prior to kids. I read one guy's description of his "sexless" marriage a few months ago, and eventually it came out that his wife had given birth just two months prior. Um... that's not a sexless marriage. That's a woman recovering from pregnancy and childbirth while breastfeeding and changing diapers 24/7. Furthermore, sex drive varies considerably from person to person, and it can change during a person's life. One sex drive is not better or worse than another. For a long time our society has coded the male sex drive, which is on average higher than the female sex drive, as "normal" and the female sex drive as "low." Unless there are medical issues causing a low libido, which can be treated, a person's sex drive is normal, period. So if one person in the marriage is happy having sex once a month, and the other person wants it every day, the person who wants it more will characterize that marriage as "sexless," even though the problem stems from incompatible libidos. It can be difficult to gauge your sex drive when you're celibate, especially if you think masturbation is a sin. My husband and I figured out approximately our respective sex drives based on how often we felt like masturbating. A big part of preventing a "sexless" marriage is discussing sex very frankly well before an engagement. You don't want to find out during your honeymoon that your spouse only wants sex once a month, if you want it every day. Very thorough premarital counseling--which I recommend BEFORE formal engagement, because it's easier to break up as bf & gf than to call off a wedding--can also lessen the chances of divorce. My husband and I did an online course because we didn't like any of the local options for counselors/therapists/etc. We covered: sex frequency (how often was our ideal? how infrequently could we accept? what sort of medical issues would prevent sex? how did we feel about alternatives to coitus if one of us was really opposed to coitus at the moment? etc) intimacy needs (what do we each need to want to have sex? what sort of nonsexual intimacy is necessary? how often do we each need the other to initiate? etc) finances (how much do we save? children's college funds? charitable giving? budgeting? what splurges do we prioritize? etc) children (how many? how spaced apart? natural vs. adoption? what kind of schooling? SAHP/daycare/nanny/other? extent of grandparent role, etc) where we'd like to live (this was my only ultimatum, that eventually we needed to live halfway between our families, because as a kid I grew up barely knowing my mom's family, and it really negatively affected me) our parents in old age (will they move in with us? will we move to take care of them? etc) Premarital counseling is great because too many couples think you can stop with "how many kids should we have?" and "how often should we have sex?" I know this is all over the place. I wrote it in between doing work stuff. tl;dr Calm down. You'll be fine!
  23. Honestly, basically the entire article is based on faulty premises. He's creating strawman arguments and then arguing against them to make himself sound wise. In America, the average age of first marriage is 29 for men and 27 for women. (Source) Yes, the average is late 20s, but that means plenty of people are currently getting married in their early 20s. I got married a few months before my 27th birthday. My husband was almost exactly 27 1/2 when we got married. My twin brother got married this year. His wife is 25. I've been invited to dozens of weddings of my peers since finishing college 5 years ago (and wished hearty Facebook congratulations to literally hundreds of my engaged/married/pregnant/baby-popping peers in the same time). So right off the bat, the entire premise, "People are downright befuddled to come across a 20-something with a wedding ring, much less a couple of carseats in the back of the sedan," is faulty. I assume Matt means "traditional" marriage in the conservative Christian meaning of the word, that is, marriage between a man and a woman, with a minister. But marriage the way it existed in our perfect 1950s nostalgic past is not how marriage has looked throughout history. If you want to argue that the institution of marriage is integral to our advancement as a species, then you should probably accept that marriage has adapted throughout history to the needs of society. But that would hurt his point that a government-approved, male-female union in their 20s is integral to our advancement as a species. You don't need money to get married? Did Matt actually read the links he included at the beginning of his article? The ones that discuss the effect of the recession on marriage rates? The rates of unemployment among people in their 20s? The ones that actually point out that college graduates are still getting married, whereas the drastic change in unmarried folk are among those not getting degrees? Which again points to a wealth and class issue. And kids? Fine, I agree that you probably don't need a quarter of a million dollars to raise one kid, although Matt glosses over how vastly different the numbers are geographically, and his point about his parents totally doesn't take into account the rate of inflation, or the fact that each subsequent kid obviously costs less than the first one. Pregnancy and childbirth alone are absurdly expensive in America. Clearly the system needs fixing (and as much as I don't like the PPACA, at least it requires maternity coverage in insurance plans), but right now, if you want to have a baby in an American hospital, it costs money. Even with insurance, the average woman pays $3,400 out-of-pocket to have a baby. I don't know what sort of feminists Matt knows, but everything I've read has basically scoffed at the whole egg freezing thing. The general feminist feedback is that giving women this option is basically a band-aid to a bigger problem, and that we need real societal change to support working parents, male and female. Also, um, typical that a man argues that it's "crazy" to want to space out pregnancies or just stop having kids after a certain number. Dudes don't carry fetuses, so they don't really understand how hard it can be on a woman's body. And is it really crazy for a woman who desperately wants to have a kid at some point, but wants to have a kid with a husband, but who also doesn't have any marital prospects, to want to freeze her eggs so that she can one day have kids? Kids in a marital situation that matches Matt's ideal male-female family unit, btw. So, yeah, Matt is "divisive" because his writing drips of arrogance and a total blindness to the realities of lives that don't look like his.
  24. Top 5 Guns To Scare Your Daughter's Boyfriend

    I can't wait to scare off my son's girlfriends with my guns. Or, you know, I could raise my children well and trust them to make good decisions in dating.
  25. Does the 'purity message' change as you get older?

    I think this is a subset of a bigger problem. Churches basically ignore single people after college. High school students and college students have their own focused ministries that include guidance about dating and marriage, along with advice on career goals, big decisions, etc. But if you graduate college without a serious boyfriend or girlfriend, too bad, there's nothing in the Church for you. Ministries and Sunday School groups and Fellowships and whatnot are targeted to newlyweds and to parents of kids at different ages. Also, I think the message to teens needs to change, for the record. All the talk about how you deserve a virgin and it's basically your reward for being a virgin, especially coupled with the gross metaphors of a chewed piece of gum or used toothbrush, need to GO. The message in that blog post that's given to older singles is a more inclusive, grace-focused, forgiving one. The obsession with sexual purity practically undermines the amazing glory of God and the power of Her forgiveness. It's like, Jesus can wash away all your sins unless you have premarital sex, then you're still a bit stained, sorry.