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Everything posted by HopefulPoet

  1. Children: A deal breaker?

    What up! Alright, I don't know if this has already been posted, but I'm doin' it anyway! A little background to the question first I guess? In this last year I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and had surgery to help slow down the process of the disease. If you guys don't know what that is, the best way I can explain it shortly (sorry for the following vocabulary, try not to cringe) is that essentially tissue similar to the lining of the uterus is found outside of the womb and cause growths, lesions, and scarring internally. It's wickedly painful and there isn't a cure, mostly just ways to try to cover up the pain and slow down the progression. It's not life-threatening or anything, but the reason it's important to me is that having it, especially so severely at such a young age, greatly reduces my chances of having children in the future. The longer I wait, the more scarring and damage that is done to my internal reproductive organs which causes infertility. My older cousin was in a similar situation and instead of opting to wait, she immediately lost her virginity and had two children because she was afraid she would never have the chance later in life. She's now a divorced single mom at the age of 22:/ My decision has been to continue to wait until marriage, no matter how badly I want children some day, and I realized that it might be a deal breaker for some guys out there. So after that long rant, that's my question I guess. If your future wife (well, I guess before you married her?) was unable to have children, would that be a deal breaker? Is there a difference between a woman not wanting to have kids and not being able to have kids that makes some sort of distinction in how you would react/handle it? I'm resolved to adopt or even try surrogacy if it does end up being impossible for me to conceive, but I'm really worried that for a lot of guys that won't be enough. I get worried that the combination of waiting until marriage to be intimate as well as the likelihood of not being able to give my husband children will make most guys run away. Thanks for reading that super long thing.
  2. Butt Glitter

    Hi, all! I'm sure you clicked the title out of curiosity, and don't you fret, I don't plan to disappoint. Waitingforyou and I were having a conversation which prompted a series of very important questions for you men of WTM. This is quite serious. It's for science. 1.) On a scale of 1-smashing things, how angry would you be if someone threw glitter at your butt? You know, hypothetically. 2.) Do you consider your butt as cute as, if not cuter than, a puppy's butt? 3.) Do you consider your butt, ever? It's general existence? Purpose? Cuteness? 4.) What is the worst thing a girl could say about your butt? 5.) Does your butt have any previously unlisted concerns? 6.) Are you concerned with how many times the word butt has been used in this post already? 7.) If your butt had a name, what would it be? 8.) What do you think of butts, as a general part of humanity? Like I said, this very serious and for science. Thank you for what will be, I'm sure, equally serious responses. -HP and Waitingforyou <3
  3. "The One God Has for You" vs. Free Will

    I'm torn about this topic because on one hand, I read far too much and have fallen in love with the idea of soulmates to the point that most days, I actively believe there is a man out there for me who is in his every atom best suited to love me and be loved by me in return, that he is the "right one" for me. I can't help it, I'm too romantic for my own good. That being said, I also think that God already provided us with a soulmate--Christ. On the days when I worry if I'll never find my person, or if my person doesn't exist, I try to remember that there is already someone best suited to love me, someone who gave their life for me and pursues my heart each and every day in a way that I could never possibly deny. I think that the nature of the trinity inspires me to believe that, being made in God's image, we are also made to love and be loved--we are creatures of relationship. And because we are made for love, I have no doubt that God wants an abundance of love in our everyday lives. Will that love come in the form of a one and only soulmate that we get to call spouse? I don't know. In a perfect world I'm sure it would happen, but like so many have said, we don't live in a perfect world. We live in a world of free will and consequently, things get a little messy. God's always in the middle of our messes, working to our advantage, but I do think that this means there isn't anything shoving us in one direction or the other to some fated plan. There might not be a /right/ person, there might never be. I believe Christ is the supplement to this uncertainty though, I think that by establishing Christ as the path to an open relationship with God, we've been let into the circle of God's love, right where we belong. I think, too, that we have the chance for love and fulfilling relationships in our lives without a spouse or perfect soulmate, that just because we aren't married doesn't mean we can't be creatures of relationship and warmth and love--we have family, friends, a world that needs us, and Christ to be the center of our hearts and understand us more fully than any person ever could. I think that in terms of Christianity, that's the more of the point than expecting God to provide us with our every whim or longing. I think the point is to be so wrapped up in God's love and so fulfilled by His heart for us that there isn't the pain of never finding "the one." Along with this, I think if we're caught up in God's love and changed for the better, then if we do meet the man/woman who's to become our spouse, it lets us love them better, lets us be the kind of person who can exist in a relationship which reflects God. I know personally, it gets desperately lonely. We can't help that craving for love, and we can't help being impatient most days. We can't help but dream of the one person who fits us perfectly. But for now, it makes more sense for me to learn what God's love looks like, to learn how best to love the world, to be so wrapped up in my relationship with Jesus and so in love with who He is that if the time does come to be swept off my feet, I'll only fall for the man whose love looks like Christ, who pursues my heart in the same way. It's such a complicated question/subject, which usually means that there's more than one right answer and that we're all probably close to finding it, but not quite close enough. But I think that not knowing doesn't have to be a bad thing, I think that the sense of hope we get from dreaming is good for us, fated or not. So maybe I guess my final answer is that we should hope for the best, hope for a soulmate, hope for the dreams God's placed in our hearts, but be present in the moment and present in the love we do have, the love which was made to fill us from the very beginning.
  4. Ladies, your thoughts on guys crying.

    For me, I think that what should be attractive is emotional and mental health--however that looks like for a particular person. I don't know that I would have ever considered crying in public or holding in emotions within my list of what I find attractive in a man. I find it attractive when a man know what's best for his mental wellness, when he is true to himself and his emotions. Personally, I have a really tough time letting myself be emotional around other people--if I cry in front of someone, it's usually because I didn't have a place to hide in, or that the situation was unavoidable. I'm not sure why, but I know that for my mental health, it's easier to experience my emotions privately than it is to openly display them. That being said, I think that people, men and women, should do what's best for them, and I love my male friends who cry over puppy commercials just as deeply as I love my male friends who tell the world to rub some dirt in it. I would never want someone to feel like their healthy coping mechanisms were a subject of scrutiny, and often I think we walk a dangerous line when we equate emotional expression to feminism and emotional negation to masculinity because it's extremely limiting to both sexes. I just know that sometimes, it's okay to let people see your emotions, and it's always valid, for me.
  5. Good But Not Enough

    Vesz, I love this topic, I think it's really interesting and an extension of one of the more difficult questions, which hardly ever gets addressed: if I believe and have faith and do good, why do I still not have enough, what is enough, what else can I do? I've struggled with this a lot, partially in terms of the outside world (financial struggles, family struggles, always falling just short of what I need), as also in terms of myself (I have never been enough for me, I have always felt like there is just one more thing to fix about myself before I'm worth something). But I'll never forget what my grandma said to me one day, as we were sitting on the front porch just watching the world sort of wake up. We had been talking about God, and life, and the whole big picture, and she said, "You know, people don't get what the death of Christ was about, not really, not most of us. If they did, they wouldn't hate each other, they wouldn't elevate themselves for good deeds, degrade others for sins. Christ died to prove a point--no one could ever fulfill the commandments, they weren't made to be fulfilled. They were made to point out our brokenness and our need for God, but instead we saw them as a stepladder we could climb to get closer to him. So Christ died, the only person who could fulfill that list, to finally, finally show us that we didn't need commandments to be good, we needed God. And we had him, through Christ. So whatever happens in this world, know that you are enough, that you will have enough and make it out of troubles, that suffering is not because you didn't have enough faith but because this world is broken and we just have to keep fighting until it's mended. But we're enough for God, otherwise, he wouldn't have died for us. We don't have to earn love, because that kind of love can't be earned." I know that what she said isn't entirely on topic with everything here, but this thread made me think about it, about how that mentality changed my whole outlook on God and the world. I think we forget that idea of enough in the man-made hierarchy and systems of power we've made for the world, in the pursuit of the next best thing, the next best us, the next best version of life. Life is enough, breath is enough, we are enough, and life will always carry us into the next moment, no matter what. It's kept me hopeful when not much else will. I don't always hear God, I don't always know what I'm supposed to do next, and no matter how badly I'd like to follow his lead, sometimes I have no idea where my next step should be. But I realized that it doesn't matter, because we are enough. Right step, wrong step, poor faith, mistakes, suffering, all of it--we don't have to be better for God to bless us or love us or provide for us, that's not what love does. At least, that's what I've come to know and believe in my life. So we walk blindly ahead, not on the faith that everything is going to be alright, but on the faith that even if it isn't, we are loved and that's worth everything on its own.
  6. Children: A deal breaker?

    I don't know how it's taken me so long to see these new replies, but I just wanted to say thank you so much for the positivity and kindness, it means the world to me. This is still definitely something I struggle with, among other things, and I think that I really really needed to hear the idea that you brought up GodsPhysicist: the person you love is a part of who you are, too, and what they go through belongs to you just as what you go through belongs to them. When I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, I felt like my value diminished because of both the nature of chronic illnesses as well as the possibility of infertility, and then when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my sense of value completely plummeted and I wondered how it was that anyone would be willing to take on those challenges, my challenges, when I had so little to offer in return. Deep down, I know those things aren't true, I see it in the way that I love my family and friends even more through their struggles, the way that I would gladly take their burdens from them--I know that love, when it's right, doesn't resent burdens, it embraces them. But it helps to have that reassurance from an objective third party, it helps me keep that hope alive. So thank you, seriously, all of you. <3
  7. Coping Mechanisms?

    Hey Goobers! So I just posted a new blog post which catalogs my own personal coping mechanisms for bad days (which you can read here: https://hijackinghappiness.wordpress.com/2015/10/12/depression-isolation-and-free-time-beyonce-yourself-to-a-better-monday/) but I was curious as to whether or not any of you have some tried and true go-to coping skills for the days when life is just a little too much? I'm trying to add to my list of depression tools, which is meager at this point, and I wanted to see if anyone had any advice or just fun ways to make your day a little better? Thanks! -HP
  8. Coping Mechanisms?

    Steadfast I love love love this post, thank you so much for writing. I definitely get the balancing act of self-care, it's so hard to figure out what works for yourself, and how that relates to everyone else. Sometimes self-care goes too far and ends up making life worse, partially because all of the responsibilities you've left alone pile up--the world doesn't wait for the depression to go away, which is one of the hardest parts of dealing with it. My depression likes to come in the form of apathy and self-loathing, so self-care is something I tend to shy away from because my brain likes to tell me that I don't deserve it, and I would push myself too hard to do the responsible thing while avoiding my mental health (which is how you end up having excuse yourself awkwardly from neuroscience because you're sobbing without any reason). Everyday is a day I feel like I can't do anything without breaking apart, but I rip myself out of bed and ignore it and try to put on a good show so that no one worries. If I /don't/ look at mental illness as similar to a physical illness, I'll end up in a much bigger depressive episode because negation is my first instinct, whether it's depriving myself of meals, sleep, time with friends, and anything that gives me peace. I'll get my responsibilities done, but I'll suffer for it. And so my battle has been finding a way to lower my workload and schedule time for myself, self-care is the only way I have of acknowledging that I'm not alright so I don't end up running myself into the ground. I'll be "good" for a few days and be able to force myself to go through life, and then have a crashing period where I can't sleep, think, eat, or function like a regular human. I guess it really all just depends on a person's natural coping mechanisms, what that reflects about the state of their depression, and how to either encourage or fix those methods. I definitely, definitely find that scheduling like crazy helps me too--just like you said, everything down to the last detail. I have my life organized down to what hour I do laundry on Wednesdays, and I have a wall covered with post-its of my "to do" list that I get to rip down whenever I finish (I split them into tiny post its so I could feel more accomplished and get to rip more down hahah). I also think this is why it's so important for anyone dealing with mental illness to see a counselor, therapist, etc, because the way you tackle depression is so intertwined with your personality, history, and the life you've built. I would be lost without my therapist, completely. I am so sorry you've had to deal with depression but also really proud that you climbed and fought your way out of it, that takes so much skill and courage and just sheer stubborn determination. Thank you again for sharing, it means so much
  9. Singlehood

    It took me a while to realize why I'm single, and even then someone else had to point it out to me. I used to just think I was painfully shy around men, but really I think I subconsciously push men away, or even actively sprint away from them (I kid you not, I've actually done that before to avoid talking to a gorgeous guy). It's not that I don't want a relationship, it's just that past disappointment means I have a hard time letting myself trust someone. In the back of my mind, I see men as the people who leave you, the ones who break you when you're vulnerable. I talk a good game when it comes to love, I'm a hopeful romantic and my first instinct always is to leap--but instead I follow my impulse to protect myself until suddenly I'm alone with all of my shields. I'm definitely working on that, and on being more open to the kind love I dream of having because I know that I've got a lot of love to give and there are really good guys out there. But until then, I guess I'm single because I haven't met anyone fast enough to catch me when I run away
  10. Date

    White water rafting and a picnic date would be the most perfect thing, at least for me. You learn so much about someone by the way they handle adventure, you would mostly be laughing the whole time, the clothing would be low pressure since you get to wear tacky orange vests over everything, and you could still do all of the romantic talking with a cute picnic right after. So long as no one falls out
  11. Steve Harvey Show - Virgin Daters

    ^^ Ditto, how do I get Steve to set me up
  12. Who here aspires to marry a wealthy man?

    This topic hits so close to home, oh man. I know it's been forever since it was started and I loved reading all of the responses, and I feel so strongly that I thought I would answer as well. I think, in a dream world, there's a small part of every person, man and woman, who would love to be carried away and not have to worry about money or working at some job they hate just to provide enough to live on. Sometimes, it's exhausting to deal with the stress of financial burdens, and that means sometimes too, I dream about being completely taken care of and given complete financial peace. That being said, what I want more than some dream world is a man who prays when he tucks his children into bed, who can make me laugh when everything is wrong, who makes me believe daily that the universe is a place of beauty. I've struggled financially for as long as I can remember, even growing up my family was homeless at one point due in part to fiscal irresponsibility. And as some have posted on here, people who have grown up with very little money can sometimes tend to desire the exact opposite in their lives. However, what it has taught me in my life is that we are incredible, resilient things made to overcome and not to fall. No matter how many days I might wish I would wake up and win the lottery and have the ability to be financially stable, to have the means to do so much good in this world, I would not trade the lessons nor the faith I gained through my struggles. I plan to follow my passions in life, to trust God for my financial security and to trust myself to be strong. I believe fully that you can travel the world with any amount of money and a little ingenuity, and that sometimes, being strong enough to find a way without the means feels better than being handed an easy way out. Practically, I don't want my children to suffer through hardship the way I did, even though I wouldn't change my own experiences. I never want them to worry about whether or not they'll have enough lunch money, or if the lights will be off when they get home because no one paid the electric bill. I will do everything in my own power to make sure that of all the burdens in this world are not theirs to bear. But even more so than that, I never want them to grow up in a world in which they were certain that the passions of their life, the love they have to receive and give, is worth less than the bottom dollar. So, long answer short, I would be happy to marry a man living off the street if he was the kind of person who aspired to make the world a better place, if he, in his entire being, meant to make love manifest, if he desired to provide everything he could for those he loved and if he was unselfish. There is so much more to life than finances and certainty-- things will never be certain no matter how much money is in your wallet. Easier, maybe, but still uncertain. So why lose out on something great just because you're trying to attain a certainty and security that is promised nowhere in this world, when love is the only real thing you can count on to make life worthwhile? I respect the choices and goals and dreams of others, completely, those are just my own hopes and thoughts.
  13. DHZ, Everything that everyone has said to you on here is so vital, so important. I know from personal experience how hard it is to feel stagnated inside of your own life, to look around you and wonder how it is you've managed to survive for so long but cross so little ground--especially in matters of love and the heart. But I want you to know that the universe is so infinite that it would break every bone of human instinct inside of your body to lose hope, particularly hope in love. The problem and the beauty of living is that you can't see around the next corner, you couldn't predict the next three seconds of your life even if you tried. And while that means yes, the future is daunting and unknowable, it also means that it is full of infinite possibilities, most of which you aren't even capable of imagining at this point. If you use the patterns of the past to define your fear for the future, you're never going to make it to that greater, unexpected place that surpasses your wildest of dreams. It's admirable that you're trying. It is brave that you wake up in the morning and haul yourself out of bed and live another day. You need to know that. But don't let that be all you do, don't let, as so many on this thread have said before, your desire for a relationship become the be-all-end-all of your life. Don't worry that who you are is not enough, that your results don't reflect the monumental effort and desire you feel coursing through your veins to have the life you want. Be like the sun. Be like the cosmos. Be significant and radiant in your own right, even when no one else is looking. Because some day someone will look, and it will be to them like seeing the sun, and you will know that you have not spent your life rising every morning in vain. I know that words aren't really the complete and sufficient cure for everything, if they were, less people would scoff when I tell them I'm a poet. But some words do help, and so I thought I'd share some of my favorite words from the advice column of an author I love: "I have words instead of a crystal ball. I can't say when you'll get love or how you'll find it or even promise you that you will. I can only say that you are worthy of it and that it's never to late to ask for it and that it's not crazy to fear you'll never have it again, even though your fears are probably wrong. Love is our essential nutrient. Without it, life has little meaning. It's the best thing we have to give and the most valuable thing we receive. It's worthy of all the hullabaloo. It's not about becoming a movie star. It's about the down-in-the-dirt art of inhabiting the person you aspire to be while carrying on your shoulder the uncertain and hungry man you know you are. Your longing for love is only one part of you. I know that it feels gigantic when you're all alone writing this, or when you imagine going out on that first date with a woman you desire. But don't let your need be the only thing you show. It will scare people off. It will misrepresent how much you have to offer. We have to be whole people to find whole love, even if we have to make it up for a little while. Bring the man you aspire to be, the one who already has the love he longs for. Play every piece of yourself and play it with all you've got until you're not playing anymore." You don't have to be perfect now, or ever. You don't have to fix yourself, you don't have to try so hard to cradle uncertainty in the palm of your hands. Someone is looking for all that you are, someone's atoms are straining towards yours every second of every day, just waiting until the moment you meet them. What you have to do most now is hope, live it and breathe it while you take in all the wonders of the world. It'll happen, someday. And even if it doesn't then it just means that something better has come along, that life has a funny way of working itself out but even so the stars still sing and the dawn still comes. You are worthy of love. Find that truth within yourself and hold tight, because when you do, everything will be alright. I hope any of this helps. I hope that you can look at the thread of answers above mine and know that you have a whole community of people rooting for you to be your best self, to find your best life. --HP
  14. Best Friends?

    Hi there! I'm not sure if this has been posted before, so I figured I'd start a new thread and hope for the best. Have any of you guys (and or girls, if you want to respond too), ever accidentally developed strong feelings for a best friend or a childhood friend? This past weekend I spent time with my family, including my childhood best friend who's essentially apart of my family and has been in my life since birth, and the more time I spent with him, the more I began to realize how perfect he was. My grandpa always jokes when this friend and I should be together and get married, and this weekend he went so far as to say that he's never seen either of us happier than we are the other one walks into the room. When I was talking to my mom about it, clearly panicked, she furthered the idea by saying that he follows me wherever I go, like I've got some kind of gravitational pull on him. We're both Christian and love Christ, he's ingrained into my family and best friends with my brother, he's seen me at my best and worse (he even helped me through some of my more recent surgeries, and has been through all of my toughest times, including the divorce of my parents and the part of my life in which I was homeless) and he's the only person who can make me laugh when everything is falling apart. I've got it pretty bad. The problem is, I'm almost certain he only sees me as a little sister figure (he says stuff like that constantly), and I'm terrified to ruin the safest thing I've ever known. So I'm just wondering if any of you have gone through this and if so what you did or what you'd suggest doing. And if you're a guy, what would you want the girl to do (whether or not you liked her back). Would you prefer she risk the friendship and let you know how she felt, even if you didn't reciprocate? Or would you want her to just continue being your best friend.
  15. Best Friends?

    CrystalFaerie I'm sorry that it happened to you too, I wouldn't wish it on anyone! But life has a way of working out for the better, I always believe that, so this just means our plans and hope and imaginations just couldn't possibly conjure up the reality of what's to come, because it's better than we can conceive or dream. Thank you guys for all of the support! For now I'll just eat ice cream and write my own love interests into a book, they never fail me hahaha.
  16. Best Friends?

    Of course that's fine to ask haha Just stuff like, "Oh, everyone probably thinks we're dating, that's awkward. Like we're /never/ going to date." or "I don't slow dance, you should go find someone else to do that with." and "I almost stayed home to watch Netflix instead of coming." and "They're throwing the bouquet, get up there, you're definitely single!" and "Wow that girl is gorgeous." And he didn't bother to comment on how I looked, even though I got a new dress I adored and put a lot of effort into my hair and make up (He normally sees me in sweatshirts and fuzzy socks haha). I don't think he was intentionally cruel, I don't think he even thought it was a remote possibility that I invited him because I liked him, because he's not the kind of person to be intentionally mean or hurt feelings. But as soon as I got in the car when he picked me up he said, "So they know we're not a thing right? Like they aren't expecting a boyfriend?" and so I knew then that I should probably never mention that I was had any hopes for the night. And it was doubly frustrating because it was worse than being alone at a wedding, because no other guys would even ask me to dance since he was sitting right there. So it was like being painfully single in spite of having a date. And then I got to watch all the couples dance blissfully to my favorite Michael Buble songs haha. It was a night. And I've been to Ireland, I've always wanted to live there, so I'm gonna try to move there one day. But also I love that life is chaotically unexpected, and so I'm looking forward to have my expectations changed and surprised haha. But thank you for the support, all of you! And don't you dare keep the Guinness, it's my favorite hahaha.
  17. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SND3v0i9uhE My personal opinion on how to get most girls, at least initially. If a guy makes me laugh I'm sold, who doesn't want to go out on a date with someone who makes you laugh and smile??
  18. Best Friends?

    It was a mess but I survived it. I didn't tell him because as soon as he picked me up, he started making sure that the friend line was drawn pretty deeply in the sand, and did everything but stamp "SHE'S SINGLE, FELLAS" on my forehead at the wedding. So. Thank you for all of your help, and I'm glad I did the brave thing and asked him! But I know I'm definitely never going to date him, and that leaves the possibilities endless. I'll just have to stay single and wait for my burly Irish man with as much patience as I can bear haha.
  19. Best Friends?

    Hahahaha yes clearly, drunken night of sex, my go-to move as a waiter. It's fool proof haha XD And thanks Steadfast! I think I just have to keep reminding myself that feelings aside, I am spending a night with someone I'm super comfortable with and who makes me laugh 24/7, so jitters are pointless. Either it works or it doesn't work, although to be honest I'm more nervous about it actually working than anything else hahaha.
  20. Best Friends?

    Hahaha Matthew: I thought it was a funny play on words XD And JDmantel: His exact words were "Let me check my schedule, I might have to work. You know what, never mind, I'm just gonna go ahead and say yes, honestly. Of course I'll go. What time should I pick you up?" Which seems like a pretty good sign to me hahaha. I considered asking the groom if he could get the DJ to play my favorite Louis Armstrong song haha. Mostly I just have to figure out what to wear. And how to avoid panicking.
  21. Best Friends?

    UPDATE (If you still care about this hahaha): After two weeks of being agonizingly indecisive, I finally asked him to go with me to the wedding. I didn't put any parameters around it (I didn't say as just friends, but I also didn't say as a date, I figured it was best to be clear that I really wanted him to go, but let him decide how he wants to take it). He agreed immediately, cleared his schedule, and is going to drive up from campus to go with me. Needless to say I am stoked. And absolutely panicking. And possibly in need of advice now that I have done half of the brave things and have no clue as to how to do the rest of them. Thanks again for all of your help!!
  22. Do you prefer a "manly" man or a "sensitive" man?

    I think given the choice between extremes (because clearly as everyone has pointed out, moderation is key in any spectrum), I'd chose the "manly" man. Part of that choice comes from the idea of balance--as a writer I'm such an overly emotional person, and I tend to get swept away and passionate in every moment, so I think that the "manly" guy described here sounds earthy and grounded, someone who could pull be back from the clouds if I ever floated too far. Apart from the fact that my type is basically a lumberjack with loads of tattoos, I think that any extreme kind of polarity in personalities could work so long as differences didn't equate the loss of respect for those differences. Most of my friends have extremely different personalities from myself, but that doesn't mean that they don't try to understand and love those differences. I also know that I am completely inept (speaking only for myself, because women can do amazing things and don't need any guy to help them, in my own opinion) at fixing anything, so having someone around who could simultaneously make me feel safe while also fixing a leaking roof is perfection. So long as he politely listens to me rant about poetry, I'm good.
  23. Food date

    Cooking, one million percent. I can't cook to save my life (I can only make Fetticine Alfredo, other than that I burn everything somehow), so I'd be thrilled to have someone cook for me. It's definitely more thoughtful.
  24. Best Friends?

    Thank you everyone for all of the incredible responses and kindness! I really appreciate it. King Khan, I'm so sorry you had to go through that with those friends, it seems like poking should just be frowned upon by a general consensus of the public, no one likes to be badgered. I definitely know I don't badger him, I'm way too shy to ever be pushy or flirty. My situation is frustrating too in that, I know I'm a waiter, but I'm actually not sure on his stance. But I do know enough of him to know that he'd never be the guy to pressure someone: he'd either walk away or be committed one hundred percent to their needs, including waiting. With regards to the questions, it's a little bit of a tough answer, which is why I think I'm so conflicted on what to do. He is always available if I need him, when I need him, for anything. From driving me to the hospital when my mom was in the ER, to picking up tacos if he knows I haven't eaten, to listening to me cry on the phone when my dad was severely depressed, to helping me make life decisions---he's the first person I call when I don't know what to do. So he's there for me, and when we're around each other it's like I'm the only person that exists. Last summer we both worked for my grandparents (he worked in construction with my grandpa, I helped paint houses around the neighborhood, did odd jobs, took care of them when they got sick), and we lived in the same house together for two months. I think that's when things started to change, because no matter how many mornings I woke up to seeing his face over a bowl of cereal, I always felt like I was seeing the sunrise for the first time, the morning was brighter somehow. And suddenly it was like everything he did was right, that nothing could be wrong or hurt that bad if he sat there every morning, eating a bowl of cereal. And he's always been protective, more so than my actual brother, and when my grandparents would start to say anything cruel (they have a tendency to cut the heart of your emotional wounds without batting an eye), he'd always divert their attention, tell them they're wrong, make me laugh. And sometimes I would get the sense that he was hiding something more, just by the way he talked to me. We've always teased each other (sarcasm is something we're both fluent in) but over the summer he'd say stuff like, "God, why do you smell good? How much perfume did you bathe in?" and when I'd say, "Fun fact, the perfume is water," he'd get really irritated. Or he'd come up and rest his arms on my head (which I hate) and joke about how small I was, making some snarky remark, but then follow it up with something like, "the smallest things always surprise you, though." So it's frustrating for me because there's a thousand mixed signals. But part of me doesn't care? One of the best memories I had of the summer was cleaning out housing insulation with him, in 90 degree weather, wearing protective suits, picking up dead rats, and laughing until our goggles fogged up. A rat actually fell in my hair but still what I remember most is the way he stood over me and fixed the sleeves and legs of my suit (because I'm only 5ft tall and my grandpa bought XXL suits). So for me it's pretty clear that he's something I wish I had in my life as more than a friend: literally rat poop was like walking through rainbows because he was by my side. But the biggest problem and indication that he doesn't like me at all that way is that when we're not together, it's really rare for him to communicate to me. And I open up to him more than he opens up to me (though part of that is personality.) The only time I've ever seen him cry is when he broke up with his girlfriend of two years (before I had feelings) and we sat in the car for hours talking about it. But he doesn't text me every day or even once a week, he doesn't call out of the blue, he doesn't do what I think someone who's interested in you would do. So that's why I'm worried, mostly, because yes he's a foundation for me and I've never felt for any moment that he wouldn't drop everything to be what I needed, but I think that he's just an amazing guy, acting as a friend. *Sorry that was eight thousand pages of sappy bologna* Oliver, thank you so much for the insight! It's so hard for me, I'm such a gambler in everything except for my feelings, if that makes any sense. I know I'll need to do something, just because I can't sit in the same room as him without every atom in my body lighting up, and I feel everything in life so strongly that I've never been good at concealing my emotions, so he'll know by default eventually. I haven't had to face talking to him about girls since I've developed feelings, but in the past I was always the first one he asked for advice whenever he was seeing someone new. But, ironically, whenever I asked him for advice about flirting with a guy, or how to stop being single, he would essentially shut me down with a "don't change, act the same way, I don't know how flirting works, just keep reading books and acting like a loner," and sometimes it felt like he'd just brush it off because either it wasn't important to him, or (in my delusional brain) he didn't wannntt me to date anyone else. Any time I talked about anyone I might be interested in, it was like he got bored and walked away. In terms of writing, I've written at least a dozen poems about it, but since my favorite is called "Pelican Vomit," I don't know if he'd understand. I'd like to write a letter, because I've never been good with spontaneous confrontation, I just have to have the guts to actually hand it to him. To make matters worse, he's joined the army and leaves in July for bootcamp/ait school for five months. So basically I have a three week period when I get home to tell him, if he actually comes home from campus for that part of summer. And life's a grand mess, but all the best things usually are. Thank you guys again though!
  25. Best Friends?

    Sometimes I wish letters were still a viable option, I'd just sent a pigeon out with a poem, and never have to watch him open it haha. I think I need a wingman in my life, honestly, because I was definitely planning to make the wedding a little ambiguous oops. I think I just keep hoping that maybe he'll sense it somehow, which I know is crazy. And Casablanca is such a lovely movie, and that's one of my favorite lines Thank you again for all of your help!