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About Phoenix

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  1. What are your deal-breakers?

    1. Having ever used porn 2. Cheating 3. Non-Waiter 4. Abusive 5. Drugs
  2. Don't feel so woeful and discouraged. Keep strong. And for heaven's sake, don't be embarrassed. That is most noble of you. so many people have a resume of experience, relationships that have come and gone, things they've done and tried... and this is not for the better. To an intelligent woman who wants to be the one rose who can make up the entirety of her man's garden, your having saved yourself for her will make all of the difference and mean the world to her. I've been trying to find a guy with such high moral standard and dedication to waiting. I have all but given up on the prospect that he exists and currently I am beginning to feel that though he exists, I will likely never find him. It saddens me to think of, but I still have so much that makes me happy in life and so I try to stay in the present moment and keep an open heart. Thanks for your post. You're exceptional and rare. I hope you maintain that and never be discouraged. Sparrow
  4. It help tremendously. Thank you. That is the source of my distortion. You described it perfectly; better than I could myself. You gave me tangible analogies and very good ideas for therapeutic thought revision. I will make better choices next time. I won't be choosing to sell myself short for delusion. Thank you again.
  5. I wondered if anyone wanted to discuss or advise this subject with regard to romantic relationships. Does /has anyone else struggled with trust, attachment, detachment, anxiety, and fear of abandonment? I always get such wise and kind insight on these forums. Thank you guys. I just came out of a relationship of almost 10 months duration. He's 21 and I'm 26. We met on He was in-experienced at dating, nerdy and a bit chubby when we met. I found these qualities endearing. As the relationship progressed, I never encouraged him to do so but he lost weight and got healthier... we built each other up and I was happy to do so because I loved him. He was gaining confidence. He was nearly perfect, humble, sweet, devoted during the infatuation phase, and then when it came time to establish true bonding and conflict resolution skills, he revealed himself in his true form. He didn't really mean many of the devotions he passionately proclaimed. Under family/social/school related stress he would project frustrations on to me. My anxiousness and occasional preoccupations with needs for reassurances made matters worse, but I felt that he was being dishonest about how he truly felt about me and what he really wanted. He began to shut me out of his social group. I know what he was going through was not my fault, but an uncertainty on his part of identity /fidelity and a desire to please too many people at once. It hurt to be dragged and mislead into it, though. I wanted to do anything I could to try and help. This experience re-opened my partially healing wounds of fear of abandonment and caused me to fall right back into old codependency habits which quickened the pace of the ending relationship. I stuck it out by his side until the end... doing what I could to try and reach him, calm his anger and frustration and bring back the sweet person I'd fallen in love with, but in vain. After taking the abuse, he was the one to leave me, feeling humiliated and disrespected. In the end it was a good acceleration, for I later found out after he broke up with me that he had an ongoing problem with pornography addiction which he lied and denied during the relationship and continued dating site notifications (some pornographic and very lacking in integrity to boot). I found this out on my own after he broke up with me because he'd left his email open by accident on my computer. And I saw it. Who was this guy I had been dating. I didn't even know. I felt doubly betrayed. But also realized much of the frustration and psychological conflict was probably due to his knowing that he was keeping a false portrayal of himself to me to get what he wanted from me. And he got it... my trust and loyalty I feel a lot of guilt for not being truer to myself and ending it sooner. After the first 2 months I tried to break up with him for the very subtle signs of potential trouble, but took him back after several impassioned promises. Once he saw I was a sucker, he became so arrogant and so mean.. treating me like I was ridiculous and annoying and telling me with an angry spiteful grin and tone that he talked to his ex girlfriend on the phone because he missed her. (At this point it's clear he was deliberately pushing me away). I was seeing a new pathological confidence or ego I hadn't seen before. After he did this I knew it was over but hadn't the courage to fully accept or leave. I was in utter shock. I shifted from anxious to depressed. I never threw any low blows back. Upon one occasion when he was his coldest, I merely asked him for a hug. I'm glad i didn't hurt back but I feel so degraded. More than anything, I just don't want this to happen anymore. I've only been in unhealthy relationships and I've always stayed too long. I want to understand why I am allowing this pattern so I can heal and not continue to propagate it any longer. Please feel free to share your thoughts.
  6. Wow. Thank you so much everyone for your replies. <3 Your own personal opinions, similar experiences, and projections into the future consequences of not disassociating with my father, were very reassuring, and exceptionally helpful to me. I truly appreciate everyone's input. you all had very good posts in reply to my issue. They helped me realize that I should have more confidence in my own jurisdiction and my decision to disassociate with my selfish parent. Love & sincerity, Sparrow
  7. I thought I'd share this here because it's been on my mind and my conscience a lot and I appreciate the insight and commentary I get from everyone on here. It's also somewhat related to the topic of relationships as the way we experience relationships with our parents has been shown to directly effect the way we experience love relationships in adulthood. And I have definitely seen this cause & effect in my life; via some unfavorable and unhealthy relationship circumstances I've lead myself into at times. So I have one of those fathers who happened upon fatherhood. He was never really interested in more than money, hot rods, beer and sleazy women. Before the divorce he never really payed attention to his wife and kids then after the divorce... did the "weekend visitation" thing for a short time in which we (my siblings and myself) were exposed to porn and other trashy scenes and people... then slowly disappeared completely for years, no support or visitation. He vanished and moved out of state to start a new business, leaving behind 3 kids and a single mother with little job experience and no college education to fend for ourselves. Thank fully I have a morally and intellectually strong woman for a mother. It was difficult but we made it by through the years.. We struggled but we grew up with reliance on each other and building independence in ourselves. I'm a grown woman now with a career and independence and now a few months ago, that father of mine contacted me through a short letter in the mail and gave me his contact information asking if I'd correspond. I waited a while, but did. I don't tell him anything about my siblings when he asks... they want nothing to do with him, understandably and I don't feel he has a right to know what's going on in their lives. I correspond with him in relatively short conversations on casual friendly terms (about music usually), infrequently over text messages... regarding him as a distant relative or friend I suppose. He thanked me for allowing him to be in contact with me. See, now his business has failed, his most recent girlfriend has left him and he's alone with nothing... which usually results with the sort of path he chose for his life.. we (my family and I) predicted that. Part of me wants to correspond and be in touch, because my compassion and/or my desire to know him in some way, I suppose, gets the best of me on occasion. This would continue to be with limits of course ( i don't consider him a father). But much of the time I remember what it was to grow up struggling much of the time and not understand why he didn't care about us.. I remember what he put my mother through, how unfaithful and selfish he was. And I wonder why I am in contact with him again. Though my mother is aware and just wishes that I do what is best for me whether that's knowing him or not... I still feel that I am being untrue to myself and my family by doing so and want away from the mental/emotional conflict it's causing me. I recently changed my number due to some (unrelated) issues I was having with the last number, and I've not given the new number to him. I don't think I will. I think I will move on with my life with out him... I think it's wrong to feel guilty about doing so. He made his choices to do what made him happy, now I suppose I am evermore entitled to do the same. It's sort of a Cats in the Cradle (Harry Chapin) circumstance really, but somehow I'm finding it's morally conflicting to me. I'm wondering now what others' thoughts on the matter might be.
  8. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." – Erica Jong. I can't thank you guys enough for the honesty, insight and encouragement. I got myself out of that unhealthy and abusive relationship and I'm healing and coming back home to myself now. I heart your heart <3 -Sparrow
  9. Last names?

    I'll be keeping mine.
  10. What is your career?

    I'm a Respiratory Therapist. I want to go even further in medical science though. I'm also considering anesthesiology... as well as emergency medicine and internal medicine. I occasionally imaging teaching medical science also.
  11. As for me and others in similar occupations... Being in the medical field... I cannot wear jewelry, especially rings at all times. It's actually forbidden in the NICU (neonatal (baby) Intensive Care Unit) because of the patients' high susceptibility to bacterial infection. So I plan to wear my ring on a necklace when I have to remove it and I also would like to get a Celtic knot tattoo on my left ring finger... so that I am always wearing my symbol of commitment. *problem solved* ..
  12. I think how the individual chooses to be influenced by society or culture certainly does affect the relationship. A wise quote I recently read comes to mind... "If a man is not faithful to his own individuality, he cannot be loyal to anything." -Claud Mckay
  13. I believe the stay-at-home-dad is a very noble occupation, indeed. My neighbor is one. I admire watching him take his little girl to school (he usually wears her little pink hello kitty backpack on their way to the car, lol <3) and visit her at the pool. It's so very endearing.
  14. I've been in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone I love and care for deeply. In our relationship, we've bonded substantially for the time we've spent, the things we have in common, and the difficult times we've come through. when he moved in with me, he moved out of his abusive mother's home. He comes from a very dysfunctional family and has a past of choices that have caused many heartaches and confusions in our relationship. In our relationship I've tried hard to be patient, forgiving, and understanding... but sometimes it seems he is very selfish and he's struggled with habits and choices during our relationship that have represented disloyalty to me. He struggled with a porn addiction (which he says he resents). And also there were two incidents in which he gave his number to two different girls from the past before me (which he ran into on college campus and they asked for his number). Each of these girls were people he had past romantic feelings for or near sexual encounter with before me. He is usually honest and often comes clean about the porn problem, his past, and giving his number out (but always well after the fact). He told me he has no interest in these two girls at his old school, but I am still hurt and betrayed that he didn't with hold his number and of course the porn problem hurts also. These things are unacceptable in a relationship to me. We separated our living situation almost 2 months ago due to the occasional fights and heart aches... and when he started breaking things again, the animals were becoming frightened and so was I. During this time. I have been very supportive, financially (helping him move out and be safe) and emotionally supportive of him also. But he verbally lashed out initially... said hurtful things. But he was at least mostly honest with me about what he was thinking and doing. He did what seems to me to have been indulging in the things he indulged in before us... he looked at porn again, started smoking again, and had initially said some hurtful things (called me a fool, said f*** you, you aren't what I hoped for). Meanwhile I have called to see that he's alright, tell him he's loved, and sent encouraging messages despite his lashings out. I love this person... and parts of me wants to take him back when he says now that he's quitting smoking, loves me, wants to belong to me, and wants to work on things... but the problem is he says more than he does. He doesn't seem to understand or agree that love and loyalty are not words but actions. He only apologizes for particular things that I bring up that have hurt me, never does he apologize of his own accord. So I feel that he is either without true remorse or unable to see how he's hurt me. Yet, when he does apologize it seems sincere and he has tears in his eyes. Maybe he is just avoidant of guilt. Often he will avoid things that overwhelm him in some way. I keep in mind that he had a very difficult and unusually unhealthy childhood and that is quite likely the root of many of the struggles in his life and inner conflicts which cause him to interact with me and others the way that he does. But those can't be blamed for his choices and I'm very hurt and concerned things have not and likely will not change any time soon. He seems to have a child-like level of emotional maturity, which is rather self absorbed and volatile. And worst of all.. I feel that my trust was betrayed. A recent example of the reminder of this... He had a verbal altercation with his roommate guy recently, then told me he had a one-one conversation with this guy's gf who was there that evening (the roommate and his gf have now broken up)... he says oh it was political... I just wanted to hear her take on the event and on him.... the two of them talked about her relationship. To me that was inappropriate I don't see how talking to her at all, and talking to her about her relationship with this roommate guy was necessary to any of his purposes for how he would operate in this house or regard this troublesome roommate All the while, he has not given very much care to our relationship. I feel like he is not committed to our relationship and desires female friends. This is not ok with me He went to a co-ed gathering/party of sorts, where he drank with a buddy. He knows I don't try to prohibit his going out and socializing, but I was hurt that I was not invited or welcomed to such a social scene... we are in a relationship after-all .. I would not attend things like that without at least inviting my significant other. It's awful to not be able to trust that the person you're with will not hurt or emotionally abandon you. I am afraid I am chasing an illusion. I have moments where I am strong and recognize that I have and I am being taken advantage of. I think I should just let go of this relationship, because we are either too un-alike or he is really too unappreciative of me and the relationship. Too me, the dis-loyalties that have occurred amplify the other heartaches and I don't think I could ever feel happy or at peace because he seems to me to be so un-commited and untrustworthy. Yet I never want to see him hurt or alone. Ultimately I know and have known that I need to let go of him and a hope for a healthy relationship with him. I don't need a rich guy... I don't need a handsome guy... I don't need a guy with a perfect shiny past and no flaws... But I do need someone with a good and loyal, committed heart. I know I need to let go, but I struggle so much to let go though. I really do. And I worry that he will suffer. feel sad or feel alone. If you have any thoughts on my confusions and frustrations... please do share. He doesn't reach out to me, or even respond to my asking him to try. I feel a bit alone (hard for me to talk to family about this) and I'm very torn apart inside and would appreciate any and all insight. Thank you ~Phoenix