ian

Married Waiters
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Posts posted by ian


  1. you know what?   I have never regretted waiting.   Never.

    I have WONDERED what it would have been like to have done otherwise - i don't mean to have slept with lots of women before getting married - but i have WONDERED what it would have been like in total in terms of my thoughts about dating, my confidence, my sense of self-esteem, any of those things that probably are rooting around in you when you WONDER about something.

     

    But I always knew that the mere act of WONDERING was simply ... human.   though i was not having sex, i have been a sexual being since becoming a teenager - as we all do.   I had sexual thoughts, sexual urges.   and that never stopped - hasn't stopped LOL.

     

    but that never meant - for me - that i had to act on that with someone until i was fully ready.   for me... that was my wedding night.   i fully understand that is not everyone's "i waited/i'm ready" moment...   and i think that's what sometimes drives the question of regret... or wondering...  in any of us...   because we are not merely sexual beings, we are thoughtful and purposeful and wanting of certain relationship parameters and commitments, not just the sexual play and satisfaction.

     

    so... long answer for you...   but i never regretted it :-)   I was never after some accumulation of sexual partners, nor was i in some rush to claim to be sexually active (and to be transparent, we explored a lot of physical affection and love, we just did not take it to those levels).   i found what i wanted, who i wanted, and the circumstances for that... in my wonderful wife :-).

    14 people like this

  2. It's cool that there are so many IUD fans on here -- so many people I talk to about it IRL have no idea what it is! And these are people who have had tons of sex! Plus there are several really unflattering myths surrounding the IUD that are floating around; I'm glad they haven't affected too many people on here.   :)

     

    My wife and i are big fans of the IUD :-)

    4 people like this

  3. A book I might recommend which deals with the difference of levels of desire in a relationship is "Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship" by David Schnarch.  All couples will face a difference in desire levels.  It may be the that you want sex two times per day and your partner wants it three times per day.  Or you may want it once per week and your partner wants it once every two weeks. 

     

    and talking about it is WAY better at making everybody feel loved/respected/'wanted' in the right ways... as opposed to the quiet frustrations of either wanting to have sex noticeably more than your partner or the quiet pressures and anxieties of noticing that your partner would like sex noticeably more than you do...

     

    remember... there are affections and intimacies that can be constant and very affirming and loving that are not just about sex.

    7 people like this

  4. i think in the end that is a very personal and individual question - about the nature of your relationships in total...   do they fill needs or do they help you be less alone - and i think it's a tremendous question (and different than the previous threads).

     

    For me - there is no question my wife makes my life better and makes me better - and i know, without ego here, that she says the same about her life with me.  

     

    I can no more imagine the person i would have become without her - maybe because when she came into my life i was a bit of an uncertainty... maybe as we all are.   I thought i had my footing in life - good education and the earnestness of thinking i knew what i wanted to do with job and career, an optimistic outlook with gobs of wondering how on earth i would figure things out...  and the wounds of early loves and the anxieties and frustrations of how on earth i would date and hopefully marry and the rest of things so many people think about.

     

    and that's how she entered my life.  and that's where she continues to enter my life every day.   as someone who believes in me - and laughs at my stupidness or my obstinacies - as someone who unflinchingly knows we make each other better and have simply encouraged one another not dared one another to be a good human being.

    6 people like this

  5. Don’t compare your progress in life with that of others.  We all need our own time to travel our own distance.   Great things in life don’t happen when society tells you they’re supposed to happen – they happen when they’re meant to be.  So remember, you don’t have to make excuses about why you aren’t married with children. Our lives are not all meant to be scripted the same exact way.

     

    an extraordinary comment for all of us to keep in mind.   We're not here to compare.  We're here to improve, enhance, support, strengthen, make impacts small and large.   and along the way, we get the extraordinary opportunity to be with people who are different than we are...   vs all the same.    The journey IS the point...  and mine is different than Natureboys's and everyone else's... which is makes it interesting over backyard barbeques, drinks out with friends, at church, late at night, early in the morning, over coffee, in a meeting, on a random street corner, with friends, with strangers, with those we hae not yet met, and with anticipating what'a ahead of us and what's for us to tackle next.  :-)

    2 people like this

  6. i think this is true of ALL social media ...   you need to pace/balance/manage the tempo of it.   "Hiatus" is a good idea from time to time...   stepping away from the laptop or phone for a short bit :-).  

     

    I do it here - as well as all my other social channels - regularly - just...  short breaks...   that give you a teensy bit more perspective vs constaintly in the throes.

    2 people like this

  7. i'll be curious what the other Married's say here.... but YES i do fall in love again and again with my wife.   it's not that you fall out of love with your spouse in between, it's that life sort of runs the rhythm and you sort of lapse your eyesight a bit...   

     

    and then one day, something completely inconsequential, something utterly mundane or "regular" just hits you a little differently.   it's a quiet sunday morning before church.   or it's the middle of the night and you can't sleep and you're just lying there but you're very aware of her and how she looks and feels next to you.   or she's just in another room absentmindedly working on the computer or puttering in the kitchen.  and she looks different.  she just hits the right note inside you.   or she raises just that ONE eyebrow at you... a bit mischievously.   or she smiles at you from across the room at a cocktail party or someone's house for dinner.  and it all just rushes.

     

    i never fall out of love with my wife.   i never forget i love my wife.   but there are times when other things are so distracting or consuming that you forget to see just exactly how fortunate you are.  and then something easy and natural like a smile from across a room triggers it all back in you.   

    16 people like this

  8. and I knew with my wife early on that she was something special...   but did not say I love you for a while - being cautious about it and what it meant - and did not truly KNOW she was the one for a while after that...  she would tell you of course that she knew very quickly...   and then WAITED.   in literally all senses of the word haha.   she knew i would get there eventually :-)

    1 person likes this

  9. I dated two girls in high school - one of whom I had a bad crush on, and one of whom liked me way more than i liked her.  In college, I had my first serious love (and she was open/suggesting we love our virginities together and then respected that i wasn't wanting that)...   it was an awful breakup (not about sex - it was a bad dynamic)...   then i dated someone who again was more into me than i was them (and that was an "easy" breakup in the sense that i knew it wasn't a true full match)...   she called me a prude bec i did not want to do much of anything (bec i didn't love her) even tho she wasn't trying for full sex...   then i dated someone casually...  and fell hard for someone who was taken... and then found my wife-to-be.  :-)

     

    i answered this question broadly - meaning I really only consider that i had two "loves" before my wife - but you asked about GFs, and i would consider all of the others GFs although we were in varying stages of "love".

    1 person likes this

  10. Lol but that's the thing you guys are in little shells and you need to break out!

     

     

    Well this is "Ask the guys" as in ask the guys something, so you girls need to liven it up :P

     

     

     

    you know she's right....  :-)

     

    and by the way...   Ask The Guys is not gender-specific for who's ASKING....   only who's DISCUSSING :-)

     

    on the other hand Jazmine....   as a guy...   I will tell you one of our gender secrets...   we tend to ask the vulnerable or "am i the only one" questions 1:1... not in a pack LOL...    

    1 person likes this

  11. If you really love her and you trust her, then you probably don't need to know, it will just be more to try to forget.  If you believe she has truly changed, her past is irrelevant and you should forgive her completely.  The only way that I think it would be relevant is if you doubt her sincerity, and in that case, it would be a much bigger problem than just knowing details of her past.

     

    There is nothing inferior about you because you waited, and you don't need to 'catch up' somehow, even if it was with her.  You shouldn't think of her as somehow 'sexually continuing where she left off'.  When you get married, you two start together fresh, and there are only the two of you in the relationship.  My 2c.

     

     

     Make that 4c - bec that would also be my 2c.  :-)


  12. i know this isn't easy...  but there are so many things here in your favor.   She stopped all that behavior years ago - that means she saw it for what it was to her...  not the healthiest choice for her and what she ultimately wanted from a relationship...   so she stopped.   Esp when you add the note that family/friends describe past boyfriends as a**holes.

     

    The second thing is - she told you.   and interestingly... she protected you.   The exact numbers, the pregnancy scare questions, all the other things... well... i hope i'm not being insensitive in telling you...   let the past be the past.   She has worked to wash herself clean...   and you should too.  :-)    But she told you where she was on this in terms of past behavior, and reassured you by words and her actions with you...  that waiting is what matters to her for the sake of the relationship and your mutual respect for each other and the commitments you are making.   I have to say that speaks WONDERFULLY and says VOLUMES of great things.  

    Go back somewhere in various threads or the article that Mike did interviewing me - your tale is my tale.   I fell in love and married a woman who was not a waiter, but who saw herself at a certain point, and did not think it reflected who she was and who she wanted to be, and we became a different way together.  YES - it bothered me.  YES - there were times i wanted to ask the rest of the questions.   NO - I did not ask the rest of the questions because I knew I didn't really want to know the answers.  and YES - I knew in the end what mattered was she was fully with me and I with her.

     

    This is what i have said about how i got over it a bit...   i had a strong epiphany one day...   I had kissed other girls, i had even said I love you to a few girls...   and what i remembered in that moment was that I did not think about those girls or those kisses in any way in terms of "comparing" or "wondering".   In fact if anything... those past actions were so far away from me, and yet brought me to the point of knowing what i wanted in a romantic partner, how i wanted to be for her, and what i hoped she would bring to our relationship in terms of values and commitment.   Guess what?   that was the moment i realized she was in exactly the same spot as me...  wanting all those same things...   and the past actions were...  away.

     

    You have a special person in love with you right now.  Remind yourself of that every moment - and that say it out loud - that she is in love with YOU and wants to be with YOU.   And you will be on the road to where you should be :-).

    10 people like this

  13. I know this is a tough topic for many people... even among those who believe firmly...   I for one believe very firmly that He listens and there is always a plan, always a timing, always a reason...   it doesn't make any easier to take on the notion that it doesn't match with what you hope for, wish, expected, anticipate, or "try for"...   but I do firmly believe in it.

     

    And as a consequence i know He listens.  some days it is like your dad or a teacher listening to you... taking in what you're sharing...   and sometimes that brings about no direct response in the moment... just that "nodding" that says I hear you, and I am listening...   and then there are active times when His hand clearly directs things in a specific way, clearly opens an unexpected door or for unknown reason closes a door that was expected...   I have had relationships fail (friend and romantic relationships)... I have had people walk into my life at the strangest most coincidental and most vital moments...   i have had jobs fail (recently no less) and new job doors open (very recently)...   I have those around me have physical and emotional issues that i know He is pushing me to help with in various ways...   

     

    and all that is happening by design, and because He is listening even as He watches the plan and direction.   I'm a firm believer that God puts you in exactly the place you are at any given time... what you do with it... how you act, how you choose to participate (or not)... is your free will and human choice...   but usually my own sense of it....  is He put me there for a reason...  my duty is to figure out why... and do something...   whenever i can.   because He IS listening and watching and guiding.

     

    [ just thought i would add my own experience here... in case it inspires a thought from someone else...   for it or against it either way :-) ]

    4 people like this

  14. welcome Daz.   you have much to be thankful for ahead in life and one of those things is the foresight to trust your instincts about what feels right to you in choices, in actions, and with people ...   this site for instance was a bit of an instinctive choice i'll bet!   and i know it will prove to be a good one for you.

    1 person likes this

  15. you're in great company bec you have a great outlook about what's important to you.   people will look at your character and your integrity and your soul :-).     you have nothing to pause about - welcome to a community where the value is on waiting til marriage... at whatever stage you are.  :-)

    2 people like this

  16. You need to talk about this with her.   only that way will YOU know whether or not you can get past it.   right now you're quietly dealing with it solo -  without the benefit of her interacting with you about that.   whichever way the conversation goes for you, i would think you would have a clearer sense of what the right path is for you with her...  but you owe it to both of you to discuss this in a way that lets you share your own reactions, and embrace or see it for what it is.

    3 people like this

  17. Before sharing a bed with my husband (which we did prior to marriage), I always needed a lot of space if I shared a bed with someone, be it my mom or a friend or whomever. The first time I shared a bed with my husband was after our fourth date, and I needed a lot of space, just like I did with friends. The next time was many months later, after we were "official," and it was like heaven. I had no idea that sleeping (literally) with someone else could be so perfect. I LOVE sharing a bed with my husband. We usually fall asleep cuddling. If it's too hot, we fall asleep holding hands or with our feet touching. I sleep so much better when I'm with him than when I sleep alone, even though I wake up more frequently during the night to readjust my position in relation to him.

     

    I think the difference between sharing a bed with my husband and anyone else is that I feel comfortable with my husband in a way that I can't feel with anyone else. So I'm not self-conscious or anything when I'm with him.

     

    i love what you wrote!  and I felt the same!   sharing a bed with my wife is exactly how you wrote it - i sleep more "solidly" when it's just me (when i'm traveling for work, in a hotel, or she's gone for work and it's just me at home).... but that's not actually the right measure!   I sleep BETTER when she is there...  whether we lightly meld against each other, whether it's just our feet, whether a leg is draped over the other's, whether we are holding hands over and across the dog LOL.   it doesn't ever matter... it's just always better when she is there... even if i snore a little (NO JUDGMENTS!) or if we readjust positions more times during the night.   sleeping WITH your husband/wife (or BF/GF if you choose that in a special relationship) is just that much more subconsciously reassuring - 

    6 people like this

  18. i believe you have integrity if you wait.   no matter when you decide to wait.   I believe YOU have integrity in being fully with your son, and believing that the next choice and next person who really is in your life in that way needs to stand up in the same way you want to stand up these days.

     

    you're not crazy.  you know who you are and who you want to be and who you want to be with.   you just need the right circumstance for meeting her.  be proud.  I can tell you are.   and there are plenty who will let you be proud and be true to what you want for the future.

    2 people like this

  19. this is a tricky one.   I don't imagine there is a single answer or way to approach this.   All i know is that in reading your note I was struck by the feelings that your BF must feel about past relationships and vulnerabilities...  and I think that's where perhaps you might start in thinking how to be with him and help him see that you're only looking for ways to put yourselves even more together.

     

    My soft thought here is a good discussion about intimacy - not physical intimacy - emotional intimacy.   perhaps in a way that lets him know this matters to you without feeling like there is undue pressure in that moment.   I know this will sound corny stupid but perhaps he needs a moment to absorb that without feeling like you are watching his every reaction?   meaning... a note to him on these subject(s)?   email or even truly a handwritten note.   something that lets him absorb it and react (quietly) to it without feeling like you are standing there to gauge every moemntary reaction.

     

    you clearly want that emotional intimacy - and are not pressuring him about the physical intimacy.   I think that's potentially a powerful place to start... that you are willing to open yourself up about the things that make you anxious or vulnerable or the things that cause you embarrassment or stressful feelings or even shame to some degree... the things that make you human even amid all the happy outlook and genuine joy you feel with him.   there may be something in him that reduces your past relationships to sex...   where surely you have had emotional frustrations or disappointments with those relationships, and that's part of why you ended up ready to meet him.   you might even touch on the ways in which being with him has changed you and made you even more susceptible to making choices together that benefit you as a couple.

     

    anyway...  I don't know if any of that begins to help you - i just know that in my past, when a girl approached me about being open and sharing... and when it was clear it was about opening up not just trying to get into bed... well...   it mattered a lot to me... and made me grow to be comfortable about those things with her.   in the end, i met a woman who was not a virgin, who chose to wait with me, and who most importantly who opened up her weak moments and let me comfort and connect with her over those moments even as i learned to slowly share things too.

     

    it's not truthfully in most guys' innate DNA... but with good guys it can be coaxed into being :-)

     

    hope that helps

     

    - ian