ian

Married Waiters
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Everything posted by ian

  1. I think this is an interesting topical area LFTO... there are a fair # of people who while not virgins, have come to a new commitment about what they want - and that's to wait until marriage. Perhaps there are articles or topics that address their interests or curiosities directly... eg "I find waiting hard now that I've done it before" or "I regret not waiting but now want to wait" or "Dating without anticipating sex at some point" or something else. I'm not dreaming these up easily/eloquently but I think you might be on to something. You'd kind of have to find someone who has professed even in their self-introduction to a change of outlook - whether faith-driven or not - to potentially see if there is appetite for it. Or maybe you start a direct thread on it or something... Mike may have another suggestion -
  2. When I was in college and grad school (ie my early twenties) I imagined that "attractive guys" just woke up in the morning with a great haircut, chest & biceps and a day filled with decision-making on which girl would hit on them next. :-) It took me a long time to think I understood that being hit on... was really only describing hormones of the person doing the looking (and hitting on) - more than a rating of the person being hit on! When I stopped looking in the mirror, and when I made a point of listening/laughing/joking with girls... I gradually unlocked my own confidence - and at the same time, unlocked my own "attractiveness". A great smile and eye contact became an unexpectedly powerful piece of confidence that I had and many of those "attractive guys" didn't. :-) I could listen and laugh and talk to girls pretty easily... because I wasn't thinking about the come-on or whether she was "checking me out"... One day, I realized (happily)... I more often than not found myself in the center of the room having the best times with great people... and I was able to have a casual conversation with the person sitting next to, or in line at the grocery store or wherever else... and if it's anything that girls seemed to find attractive and disarming... it was a guy who wore the comfort of being an active participant, at ease with who I was (and gradually... how I looked :-) ). attractive is indeed in the eye of the beholder... but I would also say attractive is in the smile and charm of the soul who genuinely wears them :-)
  3. Merry Christmas, guys!

    indeed :-) To all who celebrate - Merry Christmas. And spread the love, joy, wonder and gifts of the season. :-)
  4. I am living proof of exactly this hope. :-)
  5. Hi Matthew - welcome to the site indeed. it takes a lot of courage to step up to the plate and speak who you are and why this site seems to connect for you - everyone who takes the step you did of introducing yourself has that bravery and anxiety-filled nervousness all at the same time :-) You'll find the full range here - but all dedicated to the idea of truly waiting and not being with someone until it's the one to spend the rest of the lives together with. :-) welcome - ian
  6. Hello out there!

    i think the most important thing you shared was hope and assurance that you're on the path you were meant to be... and the most important thing we can share with you here is like what Mark just shared with you above > you are with a group who puts the key value on being with the One Right Person, and waiting til he/she is in your life and with you forever. Anyone who has the heart and commitment and perseverance you describe above... will be just fine. :-) welcome to the site.
  7. you've definitely come to the right place! and you will quickly notice - if you haven't already - there are plenty of men on here :-) enjoy the support and camaraderie!
  8. well i'm either happy to report - or sad to dispel the anxiety! - that my sex life after I got married..... was terrific. :-) ok so i didn't know all the right pacing... and I was still learning what made her tick, and she was learning what made me quiver, but guess what? that's what made sex so fantastic! figuring it out! I waited all those years so that I could be a little uncertain, a lot hungry, and eager enough to figure her out, that sex was without a doubt fantastic. admittedly, it took a time for two (or twelve) to get the full joint rhythm down, but honestly guys... it's all going to be super. I promise it won't be perfect, but I do promise it will be extremely satisfying :-) and 20+yrs later in my marriage, sex is still great :-) i will confess that it's not as rabbit-like in frequency as it once was :-) but that is just fine because it's the two of us still together, still in love, and still adoring being with each other :-)
  9. Hey everyone!

    well done for both of you - welcome to the site indeed - you'll find plenty to be encouraged and supported by here, and plenty of dialogues to participate in with a great and diverse crowd of people!
  10. A story, not for the faint of heart...

    powerful. vulnerable. human. filled with weakness and new strengths. a bit prodigal son in all this - and I'm sure you've seen it for yourself - and so it is with respect and human compassion that I thank you for sharing your story... and being who you are at this time. :-)
  11. Hello

    by all means feel welcomed and lifted a bit - you have stepped into a community filled with those who will reinforce you, support you, challenge you, be thoughtful with you and assure you that there are indeed others who are filled with much the same commitments, choices and values. :-)
  12. Your Honeymoon

    I can assure you... there's no chance he got it "out of his system" LOL :-) good for him though - sounds like perfect honeymooon...
  13. Your Honeymoon

    I am a HUGE recommender of the 2 week honeymoon! :-) We took a fantastic 2 week trip - one week on a beach with nothing to do but frankly recover, catch up, be romantic about all that we survived in the frenzy of wedding, and of course, discover what it meant to finally be fully with each other sexually. :-) 2nd week was a bit more active - hiking, sailing, and exploring a new place. Honestly - we needed week 1 to just come back to normal... and week 2 was special because we were being romantic AND being part of our new lives together. If you can swing it - 2 weeks for sure :-)
  14. aaaaayyyyyy

    welcome :-) lots for you to find here. humor is of course what you bring to it :-) interested to hear more of your background and what's next for you when you want to share with the group :-)
  15. i'm very glad to read your note. never be afraid to be uncertain or doubt - and then to use this group to sound it out. :-) if i can ever help i am a PM away :-)
  16. Hi Alex - Like Altan, I am hoping that you will ease up a bit... if only to remember that at the heart of being human is the the purity of hope, the sincerity of effort and commitment and the realities of temptation and sin. I suspect that if every man on here were honest, he would tell you that at some point in his life - and perhaps even still - he has struggled in some fashion with the issues you describe... pornography, concerns about relationship honesty, doubts of monogamous sustainability. But you have one oh-so-important relationship already in your court: your relationship with God. Confession is good for the soul of course - you know that - but confession requires that you also understand how to release that sin as response to God's washing you clean anew. You will sin again and again. We all do and will. How we address it, confess it, account for it, and pronounce it past in order to rectify or forgive it. I know you shared a story of a man who divorced his wife late in life, and the fact that that episode gave you yet another pause of concern about the stability and viability of a lifetime relationship. I can only comment on my life to share with you my reality - I'm 50, so I'm decades older than you. I married at 26 a woman who I pray every day continues to believe in me and believe in us as much as I do. We have ups and downs, and we do occasionally fight or disagree and disappoint each other. But - I have never for one minute worried I had misplaced trust in her, and vice versa. Our foundation is solid - our daily lives up and down - and our relationship is as strong a rope as it was when we married. While it is unimaginable to me to discover something like what you described in that story - perhaps I have matured enough to recognize that people make choices and exercise their God-given free will in ways that honor God and the people in their lives, and of course regrettably, sometimes they don't. All I know - or can know - is that I could never live my life without believing in that one other person in my life, and whatever we face, we face together. Good and bad. Uplifting or numbing. Reinforcing or dismaying. What I bring into that relationship every morning when I wake up, and every evening when I fall asleep, is hope. And optimism. And trust. And faith. For me - that is the man I want to be for me. For her. And for God. So I offer you those words - as hopeful affirmation - and as one man's added perspective - you strike me as a guy who would bring all those outlooks to bear in life and in relationship. You shared a thoughtful perspective with candor and self-wonder - and that's what gets you through virtually everything. :-)
  17. I hope there are others like me!

    To both of you: welcome to a community of people who value and offer you empathy, support and candor about a choice you have made :-). Yes, many people here arrived at that choice armed with their faith as a foundation to that choice - regardless of their specific religious upbringing (including myself). But here's the thing I'm most respectful of for both of you, and the anyone else on WTM who is an atheist or agnostic or just not connected to a formal religion - you are almost more impressive for that very fact. You made an active choice and start with a core value you place on relationships, commitments and sexual intimacy... and you've done that within your own sense of who are and who you want to be. I think - and hope - that you'll find this is a very inclusive community. You'll find those who are faith-based, you'll find those that are not; you'll find those that have always chosen to wait, and those who made a different choice earlier in their lives and have formed a new commitment to wait till marriage; you'll find those that are straight and those that are gay; you'll find those that are very certain and determined, and those that are struggling, but trying every day. and some days you even find a successful waiter (my specific case) :-). explore the boards on here and participate with enthusiasm -
  18. "Mo"vember

    I have worn a I-can't-be-bothered stubble on my face for about a year now, building on a very trimmed goatee that i've had for probably 7 or 8 years.... mind you... it took me until i was 40 to even be able to grow a PLAUSIBLE goatee... otherwise i just looked sad (and 13 again LOL). :-) Mo-vember is an excellent awareness-building opportunity to cause the conversation if not the direct donation... esp among men who regrettably are often not as attuned to regular checkups and awareness as women increasingly are. Wear the facial hair proudly!
  19. What is your career?

    i've worked in marketing and advertising my whole work career... everything from every day things you buy to charitable organizations to places you go. :-) and i've loved (virtually) every minute of it so far.
  20. I vote fully with Mali :-) We owe the smile of recognition of beauty - inner, outer, by virtue of a good mood or a great outlook on life - to everyone we meet... What you radiate > sends impact elsewhere :-) and what you recognize and appreciate > sends value elsewhere :-)
  21. When to Talk About It?

    well first off welcome to the site. The site DOES exist :-) and exists for the reasons you hope... reality checks, straight talk, straight hope, a little support & inspiration. Good for you for making the decision you did when you did - to have the outlook you did at the point you did speaks volumes... and here you are 7yrs later successful in that choice. I'm with AussieStig though... you're a grown up and so is she... there may be some sense of inevitable assumption here... so perhaps there is a good moment in expressing some real affection to do a bit of the backstory fill-in everyone does.... and honestly at this stage, no more to lose in telling than not.
  22. you guys crack me up. :-) like everything in life when you are with another person (friend or love) - it's up and down. there have been plenty of times across the course of our marriage where my wife & I have been extremely active... and times when we were infrequent at best. the answer to the question however isn't about frequency - it's about how you talk about it. even when it's been on an infrequent roll - 90% of the time driven by stress or super busy time at work or with the kids draining us for whatever reasons... (I hate to tell you guys: but ya know over time, and add kids into the mix....) but here's the deal: "hunger" never goes away. Never. :-) He/She is your Husband/Wife! The One you are 100% everything with. Even when it's infrequent, I still can see her in the house, in another room, asleep, taking care of the kids, getting ready for work, coming home from somewhere... and I stir. Because it's her. As long as you remember to share the longing and the hunger... you'll never lose sight of expressing it together... even when making love isn't reallllllly in the cards that day or that week. And the other thing is... deep down... not being satisfied all the time? is actually what keeps the motor running. :-)
  23. This is a very real question! I think it's potentially as real for people who are virgins and people who may not be but reset their choice ahead of marriage! So I can only offer my own experience here... you spend your sexually-minded years dating/going out/not hooking up/thinking about sex but knowing in your heart and soul that "not yet" is indeed the right course. Occasionally for some of us... the certainty of "The Line" gets blurry, and your hands go a little further with someone than you like and there is a bit of guilt. Wondering then at what point does everything catch up to each other, and you know you're fully in love and fully committed - and then married - to the love of your life... My own experience is that while I felt guilt on the occasions when the hands went a little further than we knew to be The Line... on that magical night and morning and next day and forever after... there was never one bit of guilt. Never. :-) Stiggy - all i can say is that heart, mind, soul, conscious, commitment - they all caught up to each other after "I Do" and after a fun party, and The Line ceased to exist, and all we did was smile. Happily.
  24. I may have said this before, but I think in context of your last post Miilliee, i will repeat: it's waiting til MARRIAGE, not waiting til SEX. You're waiting because you want that other half... that hand-in-hand person who will be with you, and be part of you. I know i will sound trite - and of course it's easy for me to say being on the other (married) side - but... I promise you - and everyone else on here who sometimes has those dark moments of doubt or wondering - that your hearts are big enough and open enough that there will be that occasion to meet and grow in love with your other half. I love your point that it's not about waiting until your wedding day/honeymoon per se (because it's not just about sex) > it's a lifestyle choice to encountering and building a life together with someone so special that they think you are special too. :-) Smile. There's much ahead yet for you ... including that Someone. :-)
  25. Proposing

    it's not something i ordinarily share, but i will do so here because all of you are so sincere and so earnest that i feel literally obliged to share my small examples where I can and where I hope you will appreciate them vs think of me as a generation or more beyond you :-). My wife and I were still playing long distance relationship when we ultimately got engaged. I was visiting her for a long weekend in February - and i had known in my heart and soul that she was The One and that it was just a matter of time and timing for us to say it aloud to each other and to everyone we know... but we hadn't quite crossed the threshold yet.... until it was Sunday of that weekend... and we were in church together, as was our habit. And all through the service, I was filled with God's voice and his urging and his blessing and his will. And I very very very (I mean very) nervously looked to my wife when the service was over and we were gathering our things to get up and leave and i tunred to her... and asked her the most important question of our lives... would she marry me... and she was stunned and literally stumped for words.... and my heart leapt as she smiled, and eventually found the words to say yes. My story is to tell all of you .... that yes sometimes it's all about the planning of a once in a lifetime moment, and sometimes it's about generally knowing when it really is time, and letting the spirit of it all find you and find the exact instant. :-) I didn't know i would do it after church... but I knew i wanted to ask that wonderful woman to marry me more than anything... the right moment... is the moment it happens... and there will always be a story for that moment whether it was preplanned, spontaneous or well orchestrated. :-) a proposal's magic is that two people know it's time... magic isn't the special and uber-planned circumstances... special is when two people get there at the same time and are ready. :-)