Married Waiters
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Everything posted by ian

  1. Hello Newbie Here :)

    Welcome SP. You'll find a great community to read along with... and when you want... a great community to dive into lively conversation... but the most important thing is you found this place - and yes indeed, lots of people, from all over the place, with all sorts of backgrounds! :-) enjoy
  2. Just a small observation about this thread and all the posts here - it's very reassuring to me (at my advanced age LOL) to see how each of you articulates a thought process about it. Those who didn't really consider it or weren't raised in a faith-based home that advocated it... you each had some sort of grown-up moment at some point, and put human value and personal stance at the top of that list, and made a conscious grown-up decision! this is a really big deal! committing to the future you+someone special is a really big deal - vs just in-the-moment pleasure! those of you who were raised in faith-based home... and heard and felt messages of waiting from the first understandings of love/marriage/sex... you each share some form of having readdressed that position as you got to the point of readiness for relationships or watching friends around you make very different choices some of them just sort of defaulting into sex instead of active choice... and I can see in your comments how very determined each of you seems to be at reaffirming that early path of waiting. I just wanted to point that out - because i think it's wonderful. And I hope you all continue to find the emotional (and physical) support you need... but I also hope that over time your active choice influences others :-)
  3. Hello!!

    your outlook is sunshine and I just know this place will be a breath of fresh air for you. you have a lot on your plate - studies and a happy child - but keep juggling - it's all worth it! you made a big decision about what you want to do next - no need for it be thought of as a do-over - it's what's next that always matters. you have gobs of support and clever people here to share the uphill with. welcome :-)
  4. I haven't actually posted in this question - I obviously have been (and am) in love with my wife, for those of you who know me here. But i thought this last few posts - and some of the disctinctions between romantic love and true love and infatuation and everything in between were maybe worth me sharing a bit of me here - for the sake of a post. :-) I would answer the question that I said "I love you" four times (the 4th being my wife). and each time i felt "love" and being "in love" differently.. kinda like getting better at it maybe. My first love was the fall hard type of love. We were very good friends and then we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and we said I love you and we meant it. But after a while I realized that in our "fighting" or disagreements, I was fighting to save the idea of the relationship more than the actual relationship. I've never really liked the idea of giving up or admitting failure - and in my adulthood, I can see that that was NOT what happened with My First Love... but at the time it felt like it. We both grew up a lot in that relationship and it was love - but it wasn't the love you have when you can't imagine breathing without that person every day. It was good when it was good; and it was hurtful when it wasn't; and I finally understood that to say goodbye was the right thing to do - becuase while we loved each other, and we felt "in love" it wasn't true deep other-half-of-your-heart love. My second love was more like Matthew described. A good friend, and a "light" case of love if i am honest. I broke up with her on this one, and it bothered me for a short time - but I was over it truthfully almost as soon as I said it to myself that it was time. That's how you really know it's not full-on love for sure. My third love was one of those that looking back was silly. I should never have fallen in love with her - she was involved with soeone else, but they lived crazy lives, and I spent way more time with her in school and out of school, than he did. And I did the stupid thing people do - I imagined a path that had her choosing me over him. True love is never really about an either/or situation... so i was a little TV-movie-of-the-week immaturity of falling in love with someone that i really could never be with... and it was in the end of course just a really deep horrific level of infatuation on my part... but man o man did it hurt when she let me down easily with the obvious and integrity answer... that she was indeed with him. (footnote: they eventually married :-) ). My fourth love...? well she's still by my side every day. And that love has seen tons of variations over the years. IN love, IN lust, IN romance, IN like, IN bonding and committing to my other half. I took a while to say I love you to her. And when I said it... I realllly felt it. Not giddy love. Not infatuation love. Not lust and hormones. Love that makes you grab her hand and stand side by side and know that ever step after that is love. :-) For all of you who wonder how scary it is to contemplate that type of togetherness that eventually takes you to being married ... and all the lovely life stats of how marriages succeed and don't... I invite you into a secret... each of you who is reading this is a pretty mature grounded person... who thinks that maybe just maybe phsycial connection is not the marker of true love per se... each of you is grown up enough to want some form of a fairy tale... and each of you is wondrous enough to know that each of us has a hand in creating our own fairy tales... Hopefully it doesn't sound goofy... I know the idea of true and lasting love can sound scary... and it was for sure for me... and I still know how caught with no words i was in asking her to marry me :-)... and how my heart was racing in being in a church and saying I Do... and I know I was absolutely certain of all of it :-). (you will be too)
  5. that could be the nicest thing i've read all day :-) (congratulations you two :-)
  6. I think it's very astute (Matthew/Nicole) to observe what you're really waiting for in a sense is the Special Relationship - and intimacy with that takes a lot of forms, including your physical relationship and eventually in the right circumstance, sex. I think back, and honestly I always SAID I was waiting for sex by being married, but you guys have made me think back and realize what I was really waiting for at the time - was a girlfriend that I would be that connected to and that thrilled by and in love with! ( don't get me wrong - i was waiting for sex too LOL - but honestly... it was the relationship I wanted, got impatient about, felt like it took FLIPPING FOREVER to come along, etc... sex was a part of being in that relationship eventually :-) )
  7. You have had much to overcome - but you have much much more to go in life, and great choices, and positive influences, and a world to embrace and participate in - and you are choosing good people to do that with! Every day gives you the space and means to jump forward and I can certainly tell you are. Well done for being as open and forthright as you have been in telling your story - and know that every word has influence and impact and power and touch. :-)
  8. (Hopefully) Short Testimony

    by all means - welcome. every day you get the chance to make better choices than the day before - and to find what it takes to be right by yourself and everyone around you that matters so very much to you. You are truly proof of that amid an array of challenges and obstacles and hurt and struggle. I can tell that you have found your place - and sharing it with others makes it even better. :-) congratulations on so many fronts.
  9. All good samuel. You get the opportunity to set your level moving forward. and You get the strength and inspiration from those around you making the same choice. No matter what did or didn't happen before, I think you should feel very good about the value you put on this level of intimacy and commitment! You're in good company here of course - I'm sure you already know that - but you're also in supportive company and like-minded company of people who have chosen to make that a special choice no matter what their status was when they started.
  10. Choices like what you just made are the ones that are truly defining of who you are - and who you want to be - for yourself AND for others. You're waiting because that's what you want to be with your wife (whoever she turns out to be!) - but the extra cool thing, starting HERE, is that you're waiting and either quietly or overtly that waiting is a really important choice and daily action. :-) No matter what happens... you made a strong and inspired choice.
  11. Favorite Verses of the Q'uran

    Altan - thank you for sharing this sort of verse and themes from the Q'uran. I think what you aimed for here was wonderful - helping grow awareness and understanding.
  12. Living/moving abroad

    Sophie - you should do this!! It is the most amazing experience - you'll grow, you'll be exposed to an array of things you dont' have at home, you'll appreciate what you do have at home, and most most most importantly, you'll see just how big - and small at the same time - the world is. My oldest daughter spent a semester in Italy last year, and I can just see so many ways that she has grown up and had to stretch (to be understood, to figure out a system that isn't ours, to enjoy the simpler pleasures of walking around a place and interacting with people, and seeing daily life through the eyes of a whole different culture). My 2nd daugther is already thinking ahead to her time to get to do this as well. I didn't get the chance while i was in college - lobbied for it, but it wasn't in the cards at that time - but I've had the later opportunities to travel for work all over the world, and I just know I am a better person for it in total.
  13. I think once you're married, anything you agree as being jointly sexually satisfying, and expresses your love or affection for each other is fully on the table... but... i also believe that if one partner feels uncertain or specifically NO about something, then that's off the table... [ and the answer is that yes... there are one or two things "off the list" for us because my wife & I are both uncertain about them... so it works fine for us... ]
  14. Not a Virgin but I Want to Wait

    Jack - I suppose by now you are overwhelmed by all the "welcomes" - and I want to add my own by adding an important bit of reassurance that everyone has touched on: you are exactly where you are supposed to be. right now and here. choice is yours to make moving forward - and the greatest thing is... you know exactly what choice you want to make :-). there are indeed plenty on here who are not virgins but who are waiting. and there are people on here who are dating those who did not wait, but now are waiting with them. and then there are a few outliers (like me LOL)... I'm a successful waiter (I'm 50), but I dated and married a woman who had not waited, but then chose to wait with me. :-) anyway - welcome.
  15. it was 3 yrs after we got married before we had our first daughter... but to be fair it was about a year and a half in when we felt like we'd had our "us" time and then it just took a little bit before we were blessed enough to have my wife be pregnant. All in all felt about right. but hey everyone is a little bit different on this front - how "ready" you are, how long it actually takes or if there happens to be a few added physiological things in the mix, and if you are choosing to adopt, well we all know that process is not instantaneous so you'll want to move on that faster not slower of course... regardless... you'll never feel "ready" to actually be a mom or a dad, and you'll know you were completely ready the moment you hold your child whether a newborn or a young one you adopt. :-)
  16. We have separate accounts and always have... but... we have also always had signing privileges and access to each other's accounts so the truth is WE have TWO accounts vs we each have our own I guess if i were being practical in looking at this. I will say at first it's one of those "i'm still me" sort of things... like somehow that's your identity is having a bank account - which of course is silly - but it was ok and not a big deal bec we always knew everything and shared everything and paid each other's debts off like cars and student loans and then not that long after everything was what WE spent or what we needed for loans (for houses and cars and things). Anyway... we still have two probably out of habit , certainly not for any other reason.
  17. Hey Justin... I hate to tell you... you may see that chart for a LONG time in the future :-) Basic consumer behavior, supply & demand, goods & services... they all sort of draw on it! and of course there are many business world parodies of the chart! i'm not sure i've seen one with sex on it - it doesn't suprrise me - but I did see one that put wifi and internet access pretty low on the pyramid as urgent needs! LOL
  18. City or town?

    For what it's worth... I have always preferred the availability and access of things in a big city - and have almost always lived in the general realm of a big city - but! here's the important part (eg for redyellowblue's point) > my wife & I once married and then eventually thinking about and being blessed to have a family - we always have sought a "mayberry" (small town) community within a large metro area. We live in Los Angeles now - which I'm sure most of you would classify as potentially among the biggest most sprawling examples of big city, yet we live in a small community (it's 2 miles x 2 miles), everybody knows everybody, and the school system and restaurants and activities all demonstrate people's commitment to a "small town like" environment. :-) best of both worlds for us!
  19. My wife & I moved in together 2 weeks before we got married... we didn't really think of it as "living together" as much as just the moving-in-together part - and really it was only a week since the last week she went to her parents' (hours away) where we were going to be married. and you all already know that we respected our choice of waiting so it wasn't like we fell over the line in the last 100 meter dash... :-) but i have to say we had lived in separate towns - as many of you have noted for yourselves - for the year or so before we got married so yes we were admittedly used to being in the same bed but not crossing the line. Intent to marry? Absolutely. Commitment to love each other forever as husband and wife even though we hadn't said the I Do in church yet? Absolutely. On the other hand... the ones of you who are out of college and in your later 20s etc I'm sure you know plenty of couples of who move in, almost on a lark, like it's the next stage of dating, and then it sort of falls apart. Like marriages, we can probably all point to people who moved in togehterh and it worked; and people who moved in together and it didn't... and as with everything I think it fully succeeds or fails based on the foundations that couple brings to it... moral values and choices, or commitments to waiting, or anything like that of course can give you bedrock to stand on no matter how often you see each other or whehter you are cohabitating...
  20. Hello Everyone

    welcome. your note is filled with new found optimism, faith, and continued commitment! all good stuff!
  21. I waited!

    well done. really well done. you're officially an inspiration AND an aspiration - not just for waiting, but for finding the other half of you that fits so perfectly for the life ahead. every day is a smile. every day is waking up next to your wife. every day is ironing your shirts (LOL). every day is knowing that you honored God, you honored your wife and you honored yourself. :-)
  22. Asking YOU out.

    I know i'm the old guy... but i always liked it when a girl asked me out :-) yes, it was sometimes a bit of a surprise... but no shortage of ego boost! :-)
  23. It was 3yrs from the time we met... 2yrs from real start of dating to engagement... 9months from engagement to wedding... I would say it was perfect... I think (funny enough) my wife would say that the dating was too long and she was ready for engagement quite a bit faster than I was (or realized) LOL. Every situation is different. It's clear even from the examples above. Engagements are as long as you want it to take to plan a wedding the way you & your family want a wedding... short or long, up to you. Dating til engagement? well that one's very much up to you and your guy/girl... my only advice is you'll want to have given yourself the opportunity to not be in dating/impress him/her mode and just truly figuring out what would life be like together forever :-). some people are smart and that takes no time... other people (myself included).. well it takes a little while haha.
  24. Racial Stereotypes

    Ronnie - I know this was in Ask The Girls - but I did want to tell you that I thought what you asked and how you asked that question speaks volumes AGAINST the idea of having any truly preconceived ideas (stereotypes or not) about what a stand-up guy sounds like - or looks like. I'll bet everyone who reads your thread thinks so as well. But the heart of your question is one we all face every day - how do you break past the assumptions (quickly) and forge a connection with someone? That question is not just a romantic one - it's personal, professional, collegial. I bet the ways you instinctively overrun those assumptions or swerve around them are helpful for everyone to consider... because I bet it's also the way you find like-minded souls. I wish those "tidy little packages" of assumptions that people often carry around didn't exist... but they tend to exist for people to quickly try to categorize don't they? Our goal as thinking/feeling/considered people is to park the assumptions... and figure out what we have in common one to one isn't it? In the meantime, I'm struck that in your ~200-word post above... you managed to quickly expose the assumptions as incorrect, and to reposition yourself in everyone's minds as the smart, articulate, values-grounded kind of guy they might want as a friend (or more LOL). I think you already know how to get rid of the assumptions with people quite well! ian
  25. Well, hello I guess...

    welcome - your sense of humor and solid grounding will serve you well... even as you serve your country. :-) wander around in the forums - I'm very certain you'll find you are in good and eager and supportive company!