Married Waiters
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Everything posted by ian

  1. well for what it's worth > i remember very fondly and romantically... afternoons at my wife's parents home (before we were married) or in the mountains at a lake cabin with friends... cuddled up in a hammock with my wife, just enjoying the afternoon, and drifting off into the ease of a nap together. cuddling was - and is - just fine - when you know who you are together.
  2. Do you believe in Soulmates?

    i have always believed that soulmates are those your soul really hits perfectly with - filial love and romantic love... best friends and best love's... men or women... it's the people who feed your soul and who know your thought and perspective w/o having to be told they're that in tune with who you are and who you want to be... and they know they have a role in that.
  3. Yes. He does. :-) it's not a bolt... it's the sense of rightness that fills your spirit and and your soul and your heart. it's the sense of knowing the future is meant to share and include that person. I knew because I prayed that it wasn't just infatuation or even just a love affair - that she was indeed my wife :-). and He didn't answer immediately LOL! but He answered well, and with the assurance you expect when you put yourself in His hands.
  4. Hello from Southern California

    welcome to the site - and welcome to a place where you can share that perspective - that waiting is indeed worth waiting for :-). I'm in socal too... there are a few of us on here... but i'm the other end of the spectrum... a grown-up dad of 3 who waited (successfully and happily)... welcome John.
  5. Curve Ball...

    i think in the same vein as you addressed directly the issue of him having a daughter... you need to address where you are on this aspect of your growing relationship as well.... it's a perfect build if you haven't talked about it per se... your wonders and questions about the child and aobut his relationship with her mother (just as OHG points out) need a little tapping down... and in the same openness you can share more specifically where you are comfortable with a physical relationship and affections going between the two of you... esp now that it's more of a relationship and less of a casual dating thing. get in there and talk some more! it SOUNDS like he may very well be worth it... and at the very least... you will learn for yourself what it is to bring this topic up and to speak your point of view aobut phsycial relationship lines... and to do so with respect and sensitivity... just like he brought up his daughter. :-) good luck - as always.
  6. All i can say on this whole thread is two things: 1. I never have considered divorce to be on the menu at all. 2. But two -> if it happened, i know that it would not be a trivial, disposible moment. it would be for reasons that i can't fully imagine, but reasons nonetheless that somehow would make sense and be "right" as far as my wife and I are concerned. and I would beg for forgiveness at having landed in that choice, but i would have the comfort that God is with me (and with her) if that really ever were to be the case. But i want to add one more point... because my two notes above are the perspective of being 50 and married 1/2 my life. The perspective i had at 26 contemplating and then taking the step of being married was related to everything all of you have expressed on here... anxiety - sure. nervousness - sure. what-if scenarios raging through my head and heart in those quiet desperate inner moments in the middle of the night - sure. but guys... we all have only one choice at any given moment don't we? go forward or stay put. and when you go forward - even with someone as committed to a value or to an action as you are - you still sometimes stumble and fall. i knew that i was taking a chance that my marriage might end in divorce. but i also knew that i was taking a chance that my marriage might happily also be forever. stack the odds in your favor. know everything you can. open your heart and soul and trust as far as you can. lead with respect. talk from inside you with honesty. own mistakes. be forgiving. embrace often. and make sure that you think the same things are important. and the rest my friends honestly... will fall in place. go forward when you can and when you're ready. and fall down occasionally. and make each other better. and if the time comes where maybe that's just not the case? make each other better by figuring out how to do that (divorce) the best way you can as well. and you'll be ok too in that manner of going forward. being scared is natural. having courage with someone is empowering.
  7. Why'd he do this?

    Kailey: well.... I know i'm The Old Guy here... but here's my opinion (for what it's worth): to borrow a line from a movie... yeah.... he's kinda into you. :-) he's feeling it out. I would've done that move LOL. it's a stealth move... if you don't respond, he doesn't feel some sense of rejection or anything - it was just a nice friendly gesture, sympathetic to something he noticed happened. He's just being "a nice guy." on the other hand... if you return attention to it... I bet he'll light up (in a small way)... bec it will show you noticed and linked those things and that you also might be feeling it out a little. it's a very clever no-foul sort of move. :-) if he IS a nice guy and if he IS the type you might glance at twice... I think you should return the move :-). or maybe i'm just the quiet virtual romantic for you over here in california!
  8. Why Wait? Mike Gugnor

    ok so i finally watched this. He is FANTASTIC. His message, his earnest delivery, his pleas and his realities > are stunning. @ Half-Blood: I don't know what motivated you to come across his video, but i applaud you. This is so well spoken about how waiting demonstrates itself not just in your relationship to God (if that is a factor for you), but how it shows up in your relationship with your husband/wife and with your own sexual expression and self-understanding. I LOVE when he says "I've told my children sex ROCKS" - and he's right of course - but he is so enthusiastic and genuine in that moment, and it is the slam-dunk point to the comments he makes about imprinting and what those early experiences do, mean and influence and the contexts for them. This should be required viewing :-).
  9. Curve Ball...

    you know... it IS a loop. I'm sure it was also one for him. But it's clear that it's a really important of who he is today... and the fact is he didn't hide it - he brought it up early on... So yes... you can decide that the whole situation is something you just can't match up with... or you can decide that he's man enough and integrity enough to claim that as important and wants you to know it because for him... acceptance of that will be a dealbreaker. But it's up to you to decide whether trying to accept the fact that he's a father, out of wedlock and not a waiter... if those things are dealbreakers for you. Having said all that... you seemed to indicate that he was a pretty great enough guy for you to get interested in and go out with... and you didn't dismiss it straight out of hand... so that makes me think you're thinking about it. No matter what you decide... you should just be aware of how you're processing it, how you're feeling about it and him, and most importantly what it means to you about going forward - and sharing that with him whether you decide to continue or not. and i vote with Dasboy. seems like he's a good enough guy that maybe another chance with this might be in order... as long as you lay out clearly on the table where you stand too :-).
  10. Secondary virgin here !

    Roy... way to go on making an important choice that makes you feel good and on the right path - and very glad you found this community - i know you'll enjoy and contribute a great new voice.
  11. Hi Lorraine - so what's really underneath your question is the choice that you indirectly face... to wait with him, to wait without him or to not wait. I think this dilemma probably faces an awful lot of people - not matter what age they are - but it's at the root of choice-making that many people go through. i for one anticipated that by the time i made out of college I would more than likely date women who had not waited. I would look for similar values - and I always did. Sometimes i found a woman with the same values... but not one with whom i had some sort of connection really. In the end I found a woman who shared my value with me, but had made a different choice before meeting me. I had a choice to make with her... and I was very fortunate to be able to work through that with her... and in the end to wait with her (even though she had not previously waited). I just think that no matter which path ahead - you should be talking actively about it... bec the choice you make together either brings you closer together, or takes you apart (either slowly or quickly). And you owe it to yourself to figure that out with him.
  12. there are no failures here. NONE. maybe with your perspective today you would have chosen differently before. maybe you wouldn't have. what matters now is what you're choosing now. and that's very evident > to be honest about who you were, who you are and you want to be > and to wait. somewhere inside you - that is what matters most to you. all good Katie. :-)

    @rookiepilot1 and @markb4 > just a hint for the future... learning to cook gives you 2 things... 1st... it will be great bonding stuff (shared fun and teaching) with your kids :-) I taught the kids a lot about cooking and in so doing, a lot about food and taste and places they can dream about going and the self-sufficiency of "I can make it for myself". :-) 2nd... it's awesomely impressive stuff for a GF and WIFE!! I'm just saying you might want to play with cooking a little bit :-). i think my wife thinks there is nothing more romantic than when i get fussing in the kitchen to make just that one thing that is seduction on a plate :-) LOL one final note... I taught myself to cook... so it wasn't really a case of "learning"... it was a case of "trying"... anyway - go have some fun sometime in the kitchen... if you find it's your thing then you'll do more of it... if you find it's not... you can still find that one or two meals you make that are just great date meals :-).
  14. somewhere in the articles tab is an "interview" administrator mike did with a while ago... it fills in more of that story if you like. :-)
  15. Hi Talilio - hopefully you can take some time and scan through the various threads and forum topics here, including Ask The Guys, and you'll readily discover a big number of people in their twenties and in their thirties, from all over the world and all over the US, that definitely share the values, and share the desire (and frustrations) of wanting to wait until they are married. There's a lot of community - truly - sitting here among the forums, and i think you'll find a lot of of things you are looking for at least in reassurance that there are indeed great women and great men like yourself who want to wait. :-) I'm sort of the other side of the equation - i was a successful waiter - now i'm a dad, 3 daughters, and way older than the average WTM.org member! - but i definitely like to throw in my two cents' and be a voice of encouragement... because despite the frustrations that come with waiting... it's well worth it :-).
  16. HAPPY BIRTHDAY H4B!!!! (just getting you used to hearing that phrase tomorrow!!!!)
  17. My own experience... I had more certainty of what I wanted and confidence in how to try in My Thirties. I am now Fifty-One, and if i could turn the clock back, it would be to My Thirties - not to My Twenties. and I had the blessings of great things happen and experiences in My Twenties, but the man I am today? He was uncovered by me in My Thirties. I know it seems like much has been stalled for you... you're not where you thought or hoped you would be - in lifestage, in career, in love. But I would just gently encourage you to ease up a little and open to where you are. You have in fact dated... you have in fact understood what a loving relationship would mean to you... it's not just about sex or having a steady date or a partner.. you know what you want. For many... they succumb to pressures or surrounding escapades... lots of people fall into sex not bec that's the stage they're at with a partner... but out of boredom or out of get-it-done-and-off-the-list mentalities or it's just like clicking through steps of how to go to a party or how to work or whatever. that's not who you are or where you are. I know work isn't what you want - it often isn't for people - and it will ride in cycles for you for sure. Everybody runs hot and cold on work!! (I'm in a cold mode right now LOL). But stay steady. Birthdays are definitely a reflection moment, and Big Birthdays can be both celebration moments and what's-happened moments... Embrace Thirty H4B! I guarantee you... Your Thirties will bring you things Your Twenties did not. I guarantee you God has a plan and a path... you're on it... it may not be the one you anticipated or even put in your diary... but it's the one you're supposed to be on. And one small added note... for me... My Twenties were a lot about me and my adventures... My Thirties reminded me that i had a world to be a part of and to make a difference in... small ways not just big ways... and when i loosened the pressure of scoring how i was doing in my world... well... I found a whole lot of personal success and fulfillment in those around me... and made some of my very best friends and closest work and personal relationships that i carry to this day... from My Thirties. Be Thirty H4B. Be Thirty and Be Open and Be Optimistic. I guarantee you... Your Thirties will bring you what you've been thirsty for in so many ways.
  18. As most of you know ... I am a dad. Of 3 daughters. And one of the most daunting moments as they grow up is to figure out how you want to tell them and nurture them about love, dating, kissing, sex. Many of you have above touched on themes of telling them your experience, making sure they have all the facts (and an understanding of consquences which in the end are truly never 100% in your control other than waiting) and in the end, knowing that you have to trust them to make the best decisions for themselves... even if that decision is not 100% the one you want. It took me a LONG time to get comfortable with all that - i have to admit it. I'm a guy, i'm a dad, i have daughters... every old stereotypical type of thought begins to run your brain a bit when you think about your children making friends, finding boyfriends and girlfriends, and making choices (intentional or in the moment) about physical affection. Mostly what my wife & i taught them had to do with simple respect of themselves and by extension other people. The importance of loving people through and through. the fact that affection is human warmth - shown to family, friends, and love interests in varying ways. We wanted them to be comfortable being affectionate with people and not being afraid of it - but also to know what is appropriate and what is not. So we had those conversations (usually around school dances LOL). And over time we had conversations about choosing friends wisely and with heart and soul and trust... and friends can turn into more than friends... but you need to always stay true, stay selective, stay careful, stay aware, stay alert and intentional about your relationships. I've told two of my daughters and I will tell the third when she is old enough - that sex is something extremely special not because of the physical act, but because is is someone you are very connected to and you are giving a part of yourself to them. They should be very special to you - not casual, not careless, not informal, not overheated. If you choose to have sex before marriage, then please please please choose for the right reasons with the right person and with the right intentions from both of you. And then... we had to sit back and trust. For those who believe... God is among us - and He is in your children I promise - no matter where they are on their own faith journeys. For those who do not, or who are not certain... your children's consciences and sense of what is right and what is wrong are started from an early age. Teaching them respect and kindness in how they treat others, and how they respond to others who treat them that way, is part of teaching children about love and affection... and it grows in them smartly into adulthood. Just as your own sense of love and affection was borne from early interactions with your parents, your brothers & sisters, your family friends, and your friends. All i can say is... it will be ok... because you will all make an effort. And that is a significant persuasion vs letting it sort itself out by itself...
  19. Hello, I want to change

    Welcome Sachico. It's not about how you got here... it's about what you do from this point forward :-) Sounds like you have found a place to support you - and your GF - with that! It's a good group - with a range of backgrounds, spiritual beliefs, past experiences or not, relationships or not... but they'll all rally around someone who wants genuinely to wait. :-) - ian
  20. I know that in many cases, there are people who feel strongly that they want to be with someone who is in the same position as they are - ie... full wait - and for those people, being with someone who also is a virgin is a particularly important consideration. And I respect those people for their conviction and their beliefs-in-action. As well, there are people here who feel strongly about waiting - and center a relationship's value on waiting and commitment, regardless of their individual status or the person they marry (as to whether virgin or not). I myself was one of these - a virgin who married a non-virgin... who in turn wanted to wait and did. So Shane, I just wanted to agree with your point of openness to circumstances and individual values & preferences around "waiting till marriage" as a bit distinct from our personal beliefs about the type of person we ultimately marry. I will make time for literally anyone who professes a desire to wait - regardless of whether they have waited completely, waited for full sexual relationship but not waited on some things, not waited by a choice they once made, or not waited for circumstances beyond them. Waiting to me is what is important - so I celebrate all of you who say waiting in whatever form is important to you, and voice yourself as such in the forums. In the meantime, I also respect, support and encourage everyone to decide for themselves what's important about the person they want to marry... and then to react in the moment with that person when he or she is in front of you... from that point forward, put the value on waiting together :-).
  21. Hi fellow virgins!

    welcome indeed! i'm sure you'll find tons of great people and conversations to join!
  22. I love the word is with. Not for, not unto, not love, not should, not any of those other words that would specifically call to mind faith or faith consequences. Not grace, not savior, not a word that is directly a description or naming of God. With. and i think maybe the thing i like best about that - is that with does not require that you define yourself as a Christian or even as a person of faith. with is active in purpose with other people, with situations, with listening, with doing... without the need to define your spirituality or your relationship with God. For those of us who are Christians, yes, it takes on more; but for everyone who is of another faith, or for everyone who is perhaps agnostic or uncertain or not religious... "with" to me aligns with who we are as people who care about other people, who nurture each other, and who are in fact "with" the people and circumstances in their lives. very nice.
  23. A Christian understanding of WTM

    incredibly well articulated and grounded in both modern context and biblical/faith-based understanding :-) I know there are many among us who will read into this differently - who don't necessarily come from a faith or specifically christian background, and yet I think your comments have relevancy to almost all ears, Shane. as most of you know, there are indeed some of us who have waited successfully until marriage. it was never "easy" LOL - but we managed to wait - and 25yrs later, I think we're doing ok :-). The fact that we waited did not ensure we would make it 25yrs, nor did it get in the way of us building our sexual relationship... but FOR US > it was an especially meaningful choice and commitment about who we wanted to be to each other and before God - even if no one other than we know that! (of course all of you do too LOL). thanks shane.
  24. So that you might believe

    Shane. Wow. I literally have my day transformed. Your friend is imbued ... and then does the hat trick of filling others with allllll that reminder - so eloquently so eagerly so warmly so invitingly shared (and delivered by the woman in the video). You did more than your share yesterday in posting this. :-) Thank you.
  25. The real me

    you're a great looking young guy :-) welcome to the transparency of showing yourself off :-)