MarriageMaterial

How Open Are You About Waiting?

29 posts in this topic

Hi Everyone!!

Just wondering....how open are you about the fact that you are waiting till marriage? Do all of your friends know about it? Or do you only tell a select few people (family/close friends/boyfriends/girlfriends)? Or do you tell no-one at all?

Do you think one should be open about their decision to wait? Or do you think that it is nobody's business but your own?

How do you decide that you will tell someone you are waiting? How do people react if you do tell them that your waiting and how do you deal with their reactions?

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Pretty much all my friends know. But that's mainly because, when I told some of my friends at school, they thought it was pretty weird, had a laugh about it with some of their friends...yeah, I think my whole year at school knows! But I don't particularly care. If someone asks me about it, then I'll tell them. So much so that, during a rather...*ahem*...interesting discussion with some girls in my year one day, when they asked me, "So, Julie, when do you want to lose your virginity?", I just figured I'd be honest: "Em...on my wedding night?"

But...outside school, I haven't told any of my friends, and won't unless it comes up in conversations. Same with my family: just my mum, dad and godmother know, but I really don't talk about it with anyone except my mum.

xxx

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I've only told one or two of my closest friends... I feel a bit weird bringing it up in conversation plus I don't really have a need to tell anyone! And there's no way I'd ever discuss my sex life (or lack of sex life to be precise) with my parents :P If I ever get a purity ring, then it might get a bit more out in the open. I'm just a bit anxious about peoples reactions/whether they will automatically judge me.

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I'm not open about it at all., in fact only the people on here know. If anyone asks me outright, I will answer them honestly, otherwise I won't bring it up. Though I may tell my little sister sometime when I get a chance, just so she knows that abstinence is a viable option - and with me choosing it, I think she would really consider it (well I hope so anyway), just because she looks up to me a lot. My mom would probably support me/be proud of it, but at the same time she told me to go get laid once, because it'd be good for me. We've had some conversations about how disgusting the whole casual sex/hook up culture is and how society is not benefiting from it, and I've also kind of mentioned that I won't be living with anyone before marrying them.

When I find someone, I'll tell her at some point early enough in the relationship that if she is not willing to wait we can end it there without to much in the way of hurt feelings. I'd prob say something like "Hey, so theres something I need to tell you before we go any further, I'm a virgin and will be until I get married" or something like that, never been in that situation and will play it by ear when I do get there.

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I am pretty open about my conservative values. I hardly pretend to be okay with the hook-up culture. I don't hide my virginity. But I don't talk about WTM. But honestly, it's easy to see I'm a conservative person just by talking to me (the way I dress, I never swear, etc.)

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I'm not open about it at all., in fact only the people on here know. If anyone asks me outright, I will answer them honestly, otherwise I won't bring it up. Though I may tell my little sister sometime when I get a chance, just so she knows that abstinence is a viable option - and with me choosing it, I think she would really consider it (well I hope so anyway), just because she looks up to me a lot. My mom would probably support me/be proud of it, but at the same time she told me to go get laid once, because it'd be good for me. We've had some conversations about how disgusting the whole casual sex/hook up culture is and how society is not benefiting from it, and I've also kind of mentioned that I won't be living with anyone before marrying them.

When I find someone, I'll tell her at some point early enough in the relationship that if she is not willing to wait we can end it there without to much in the way of hurt feelings. I'd prob say something like "Hey, so theres something I need to tell you before we go any further, I'm a virgin and will be until I get married" or something like that, never been in that situation and will play it by ear when I do get there.

i take the same approach. i'm afraid that singing it will scare potential interests off lol. it's easy to stereotype, and i don't want people running away cause they think i'm a "prude" or have some sort of problem. i want them to be around long enough for me to be able to explain my views, educate them.

as for friends...idk we just don't talk about our sexuality that much lol. my friends would probably either make me feel awkward or make a joke of it.

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It isn't something I openly just tell people, but I wouldn't hide it either if asked. I am a "quiet waiter" though.

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In my culture and religion, it's the norm to be WTM, and I think almost everybody I know is from my religion/culture (no reason for that), so no need to tell anybody.

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I was open to a few guys about it. One promiscuous jackass said to me (years ago) that "someone should have saved me 10 years ago" (when I was 18), another thought I was going to just use him to lose it because I wanted to make up for lost time and would use him as a stepping stone. So much for having my virtue appreciated and seen as a gift. A female friend told me I was narrow-minded and naive and that waiting for a man who probably didn't wait for me was going to enrage me at the end of the day. Listening to all this was very devastating to me but your beliefs are your beliefs and if you have integrity you won't be able to compromise on them.

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Other than girls I've dated I've told my parents, brother, and very few friends. I've pretty much had good reactions (or no reaction haha I think the subject makes alot people uncomfortable needless to say lol!) But I honestly think waiting falls into the category of politics and religion...very polarizing subjects with such a wide array of opinions that unless I know someone will respect my waiting, agree with it, etc. I'm not going to just bring it up and tell them. It's just not worth dealing with the can of worms that that info opens up lol. Unless they ask of course; I'll tell anyone if they ask.

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But I honestly think waiting falls into the category of politics and religion...very polarizing subjects with such a wide array of opinions that unless I know someone will respect my waiting, agree with it, etc. I'm not going to just bring it up and tell them. It's just not worth dealing with the can of worms that that info opens up lol.

Agree 100% !! If I get the feeling someone has similar religious beliefs to me, then I'm more open talking about religion/faith/waiting, otherwise I don't. But, I think people can tell I'm more conservative--never swear, dont talk about hooking up, blacking out, etc, etc. Most of my friends know I'm waiting (quite a few of them are as well and it's nice because we can make jokes about things together since we're on the same page) as well as my sister and my Mom. (I assume my Dad hears from my Mom :P) My Mom doesn't seem to believe it'll happen; she wants to make sure I get birth control whenever "I'm ready"/I "need" to :huh:

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Other than girls I've dated I've told my parents, brother, and very few friends. I've pretty much had good reactions (or no reaction haha I think the subject makes alot people uncomfortable needless to say lol!) But I honestly think waiting falls into the category of politics and religion...very polarizing subjects with such a wide array of opinions that unless I know someone will respect my waiting, agree with it, etc. I'm not going to just bring it up and tell them. It's just not worth dealing with the can of worms that that info opens up lol. Unless they ask of course; I'll tell anyone if they ask.

It's definitely in the same boat as politics/religion in the sense that people tend to be threatened by the differing stance. As much as I find people who have premarital sex offensive, I am sure the those that do find people like me offensive in that they assume I would be judgemental in nature. And when people are threatened their claws tend to come out and this is why it's best to not be too open. But then you have to be in order to weed out what you're not looking for. It's such an ordeal.

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I was raised to believe in wait until marriage. Not just because of our faith but it's also the norm in my parents culture too. I few of my friends know and they are mostly supportive except for one who thinks there's something wrong with me. I even have a couple friends who are non-virgins and are now WTM.

I've run into the occasional awkward conversation with guys sharing stories of girls they slept with. Now I just casually say I'm WTM. If they give me a hard time, I usually say something along the lines of "What's it to you? It's not stopping you from sleeping around."

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It's definitely in the same boat as politics/religion in the sense that people tend to be threatened by the differing stance. As much as I find people who have premarital sex offensive, I am sure the those that do find people like me offensive in that they assume I would be judgemental in nature. And when people are threatened their claws tend to come out and this is why it's best to not be too open. But then you have to be in order to weed out what you're not looking for. It's such an ordeal.

Exactly. I dated a non-waiter girl a couple years ago who I bet still thinks I'm the most judgemental SOB that ever walked the planet lol. But it is completely untrue. Her perception was that since I was waiting I was judging her for not...when I repeatedly said I was ok with it as long as she waited for me, I understood that not many people wait today, I didn't think she was a bad person (she actually asked me if I thought this) , etc etc! It's the same way with co-workers, acquaintances, friends, you name it. There are people I can think of off the top of my head that if I told I was waiting it would turn into a knock down, drag out, argument which would be them trying to justify their actions to me! It's like you don't have to justify anything to me! It's none of my business what you do or don't do; my waiting is my business and your...whatever you wanna call it is your business! I personally don't want to deal with that lol

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I'm probably one of the most open about it, mainly because I want to be seen as a point of difference, and also because I think it's a strong testament to my Christianity. Not that I try and shame them, but there are many people who call themselves Christians and are still fornicating, which to me is such an oxymoron, so I want to advertise the fact that there are still those around that do things the Bible way and reject society's (relatively non-existent!) standards.

So yes, I'll admit I've brought it up in conversation, especially now that I'm engaged and am proud that I'm still a virgin and will be until I'm married! I'd hate to have people think that I'm sleeping with my fiancee already...

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Thanks for the responses!!!

Phew...I'm so glad to find out that people are as private as I am about my decision to WTM. I am definately a closet waiter!! Only my family know about my decision.

It's definitely in the same boat as politics/religion in the sense that people tend to be threatened by the differing stance. As much as I find people who have premarital sex offensive, I am sure the those that do find people like me offensive in that they assume I would be judgemental in nature. And when people are threatened their claws tend to come out and this is why it's best to not be too open. But then you have to be in order to weed out what you're not looking for. It's such an ordeal.

Im totally with you truelovewaits and dodgedude.....one of the main reasons I dont tell my friends that I'm waiting till marriage is because I know that they wont understand and will assume I judge them for doing otherwise. If I told them I know there would be a lot of conversation topics they wouldnt like to have in my presence and at best I would make things awkward for them....at worst they would get bitchy because they would think that I think I am better than them (which I dont). I'm already conservative enough as far as my friends are concerned as I dont drink, smoke, have casual sex or even kiss boys who are not my boyfriend....as it stands this can put me on the edge of the group at times....if they knew the full story they definately wouldnt emphathise with me.

My only saving grace with my friends is that they assume that I have slept with past boyfriends and am sleeping with my current boyfriend, and I let them think so....or rather I dont do/say anything to either confirm or refute their assumption. I also let them assume what they want so that the man I am with can save face and will not be mocked for not "getting any" by his friends.

I'd hate to have people think that I'm sleeping with my fiancee already...

AussieStig I totally get what you mean!!! This is one thing I kind of struggle with....as I mentioned above I let people assume what they want....but I will definately do nothing positive so that they can definately say that I am sleeping with someone. Whatever about friends it is way more important to me that my family and my S/O's family know that I am not sleeping with him....so I dont stay overnight with him anywhere not even at family weddings....it's tough (and at times inconvenient) but since I am going for the closet waiter route I dont think there is anything else I can do.

I have actually never told a boyfriend about my decision to wait until marriage. I have told past boyfriends about my virginity but have never mentioned the M word. I think it's because I dont want them to assume that I am actually considering marrying them when we have barely got to know each other. It is such a personal and intimate decision to me that it's not just something I would blurt out after a few dates only for them to get the impression that I am trying to lure them into a MARRIAGE TRAP :o :o :o :o :o :o

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Is it a good idea to be a "vocal virgin"? Or should we avoid the peer pressure and stigma, or even just the idea of discussing our sexual status?

I won't lie, I'm quite open about being a virgin.

I'm generally considered a prude and I think there are boundaries about what is proper discussion among mixed company. But the more I interact with "the public" and see how prevalent sex is (and can we just admit, we're all just a leeettle jealous that sex is this frequent and common for them?) the more I feel like positive peer pressure is important. Virgins are becoming few and far between, so when we're out there, we need to be, maybe not loud, but at least proud.

I work with a lot of women, most of whom have no filter. With men, even strangers, sitting together having lunch they will discuss 50 Shades of Gray, sex toys, and the readiness of their partners to their sexual advances. I've sat in on conversations with women who began discussing the abuse they experienced in their past, breast implants and their intentions for bedding various men.

At times these people are inquisitive about me. And so I very matter-of-factly inform them that I am a virgin and waiting until I get married.

The reactions are a case study in human behavior. It's usually a stunned silence. I'm often told that's "refreshing" to hear. Some of them ask me how far I would go, or how much I would accept in another girl.

What are your experiences disclosing your status, and do you make that a habit?

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I'm generally considered a prude and I think there are boundaries about what is proper discussion among mixed company.

I work with a lot of women, most of whom have no filter. With men, even strangers, sitting together having lunch they will discuss 50 Shades of Gray, sex toys, and the readiness of their partners to their sexual advances. I've sat in on conversations with women who began discussing the abuse they experienced in their past, breast implants and their intentions for bedding various men.

What are your experiences disclosing your status, and do you make that a habit?

Oh god, LK I totally get where you're coming from. I always feel so awkward when I'm in a mixed group and they start talking about sex or hook-ups or whatever. I just feel like it is totally inappropriate to be having that type of conversation in front of the opposite sex because I dont think it fosters mutual respect. I generally just shut up at that point and if it gets very bad I'll make my excuses and leave.

I have never ever admitted to anyone other than boyfriends or my doctor that I am a virgin (well except for my family but they've known that all along). I am proud of my V status and if I ever met another virgin and they were willing to have that conversation then I would probably open up but to be honest all of my peers are not virgins as far as I can tell. Everyone seems to be having sex either within their relationship or casually. Okay maybe I exaggerate, there may be a few virgins but I dont think they are willing virgins and I'm positive that they are not WTM.

I admire you for being so open about it. I would not have the guts to openly admit my status in front of a group.

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I recently came out to my friends as a virgin & I just turned 30. So, they were surprised or didn't believe me ("you're too pretty to be a virgin"). Their disbelief was flattering to my ego. But, they were supportive. I didn't tell them I was WUM though...& don't think I will. It would open a big can of worms.

I did tell one of my promiscuous friends (with a heart of gold) that I was a virgin and WUM & she said she thought it was really cool. She's super supportive of me to the fact where she holds me accountable to waiting. It's important to her that my first time is on my wedding night. She said she really admired that I was waiting for intimacy and love with another person, not just an empty hook up. I was surprised because she's not a virgin by far nor abstinent; but that she understood me and my beliefs and really respected them.

I play it by ear as to who I tell & when & why. I'm really happy about telling some people. Sometimes, in the past it used to feel like I was lying to people when they didn't know. I feel much closer to my friends who do know I'm a virgin or WUM.

It's tough though.

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Since marriage is not in my plans, my answer may be a little differrent here. Of course my immediate family knows me very well. I have a mom and dad who love me very much. But I only reveal this personal information about myself if I see it might encourage waiting. For example, talking to the youth in my church and their families, writing articles on chastity for Christian magazines, or joining an internet forum to encourage those who are waiting. I don't wear it on a T-shirt. I just keep my eyes open for an opportunity to make a difference. For those with marriage in their plans, it's probably going to depend on the person. In a dating relationship, it might be best to wait at least until you have established a level of trust with the other person, until you're pretty sure the they're going to say something like "that's great! I'm waiting too." Just look for the opportunity to arise in conversation. Rather being an awkward "detail" to get past, wait until it fits right in like the missing piece of a puzzle.

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I was never open about it - yes with my absolute very closest friends - but not open about it. Partly it was me just wanting to protect my choice and not have it (potentially) commented on negatively by friends; and partly out of uncertainty about how it would be perceived. I did not share with family - that seemed awkward. We're a classic WASP family so that sort of sex discussion would NEVER have come out LOL.

On the other hand - and I've said this on occasion here before - it's a different time and age obviously... and I applaud all of you for stating your decision and your choice however you want (or don't). You all exhibit strength and conviction - even when you are struggling with it! - and I am most enthusiastic about how you all deal with it. Like JM above and plenty of others' advice, how you handle it in a dating relationship of course may vary. Some of you upfront; some of you later; but that's about the the rhythm of finding the right "fit" (as JM comments) for that detail :-).

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I don't go around telling people out of the blue that I am waiting, but if anyone asks I will gladly tell them.

Also, I have been known to yell at males or groups of males who are objectifying females.

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Well, like sophie, you can probably tell im a virgin by looking at me, or having a conversation with me because of the way i dress, i dont swear or drink that much, and i always get shy and never really talk when topics like casual sex and hook ups come up; id usually just make my excuses and walk off.

Only my mum and my best friend know that im waiting until marriage, and they're both supportive; but i cant help feel like my mum is embarrassed by my decision sometimes :(

I havent told any of my other friends because i know most of them just wouldnt understand, and have said that the idea of waiting until marriage is dumb, but, whatever. And i think my sister would be especially unsupportive, shes very promiscuous (the polar opposite of me) and i dont think she would EVER understand my reasoning.

Im kind of afraid to tell some people, because of their negative reactions, and that includes people i might go on dates with. What if as soon as i tell them im WTM they'll no longer have any interest or give me a chance? :( Oh well, guess they wouldnt be for me.

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