Invincible

I have a bit of a problem...

14 posts in this topic

I'm not quite sure which discussion board to put this but I guess this would be more a question towards the ladies. I've been a little hesitant on bring this up because it's a sensitive issue that I've been dealing with most my life but I think I need to get this off my chest.

I think I suffer from inferiority complex. Some of you may know that I'm 27 years old and I have never even gone on a date before and that's not from a lack of trying. I've tried pursuing a good number of girls in the past and for whatever reason, always ends up in disaster in one way or another. Keep in mind, these are not the "wrong" kind of girls. They were all good, down-to-earth kind of girls. But the heart of the problem lies in the fact that in almost every case, there is always some other guy in her life who comes along and wins her over. In every case, the other guy always outclasses me in all the ways that matter when attracting girls. Usually the other guy is physically strong, smart, good looking, witty, interesting, knows how to make her laugh, can cook and some of them play guitar (What girl doesn't like that?). I don't have any of these qualities. I find myself constantly comparing myself with these guys and I wonder to myself how could I possibly compete with them. Because of my experiences in the past, I've pretty much become jaded when it comes to this sort of thing. I do have high standards for a girl, but every time I come across an amazing girl, I end up thinking these irrational thoughts like "Oh, she's out of my league" or "She would never go for a guy like me."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just feel defeated, unattractive and am tired of losing to other guys. I just don't know what to do to raise my nearly non-existent confidence level.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm not a girl, but I hope my response is helpful. I honestly felt similar to what you are feeling now: unattractive, defeated, depressed etc... What helped me to cope with these feelings is realizing that it just isn't my time. The hardest thing about WTM for me right now is having patience to wait for the right person. It is kinda disheartening to realize that the women I felt attractive to were either married or in a relationship.

Secondly, don't sell yourself short. I have read your posts, and you seem like a thoughtful, caring guy. You have good qualities, and when the right woman comes along she will be floored. She will be the "lucky" one. Hang in there, :)

Finally, what helps me deal with low self-esteem issues is finding activities or things I enjoy and doing them. This accomplishes two things: 1) it makes me feel good, and 2) lets me realize that I am valued or "worth" something.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Finally, what helps me deal with low self-esteem issues is finding activities or things I enjoy and doing them. This accomplishes two things: 1) it makes me feel good, and 2) lets me realize that I am valued or "worth" something.

This - plus when you are out doing stuff that you like, you meet people, and they will see that you are happy and enjoying life and they will pick up on that. So instead of focusing on things that other guys can do that you can't, focus on doing what you can do, or find something new.

PS : I'm in a similar situation of you but i'd asses myself as physically strong, smart, good looking - I hesitate with that one sometimes! /shrug its hard to say, witty, interesting, can cook, so yea that's not a free pass :P

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude,

What I am going to say is gonna come off mean but you need to hear it. You have a defeatist attitude (at least your post shows this) This is not attractive. Not to either sex. Women do not want to be with a guy who is rolling around in self pity. The moment you stop comparing yourself to other guys you will increase your attractiveness from that alone.

You want to be stronger. . . work out. But work out for you not to become on par with some other dude. If there is some medical reason why you cant work out (I dont remember if it was you or someone else who had a medical condition) work your brain out. Lots of women find a smart guy attractive. Learn another language. Pick up an instrument. Find something that defines you and dump your heart in it and become amazing at it.

Women view physical attractiveness different from men. Women will find a man who dresses well as attractive if not more than a meat head in jeans, tshirt and crocks. It doesnt mean you need a designer wardrobe. Just fill it with nice clothes. Get you some leather casual shoes. Slacks and button up shirt and always leave the house as if you were about to pick a lady up on a date. You never know when a quick run to the grocerie store results in some attention from a lady and you want to look your best.

Who are you? What makes you amazing? I'm a nice guy with a good heart is nice and all but those are like side dishes. You gotta find your meat your main dish man. I am an Army veteran. I am a jazz and classical bass trombonist (who is also teaching myself how to play the bag pipes). I am a father. I am a God fearing man that knows his bible and strives every morning to know it more. I am a ninja at all things computer. I write terrible, horrible poetry with a nerdy twist; but when I recite it I do it if I was Shakespear himself. Over the course of 31 years I mapped out who I am today. It took time and failures and pain. But I know who I am. I didnt do it to attract women. I did it because this is the man I want to be. I hold dear the values I feel important. If a lady does not find that attractive she is not good enough to date me. Incidentaly the women that find all this attractive are the women I find attractive because they are like minded to me.

One last thing. The way you say "I'm 27 years old and I have never even gone on a date before and that's not from a lack of trying..." makes you sound lonely and desperate. Even a lonely and desperate woman is going to not want to be with you. Rephrase it. I'm 27 years old because I have spent 27 years focusing on me. No one has met my standards. Suddenly you are a challenge. You are a prize to be won.

So I ask you again WHO ARE YOU?

7 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Usually the other guy is physically strong, smart, good looking, witty, interesting, knows how to make her laugh, can cook and some of them play guitar (What girl doesn't like that?). I don't have any of these qualities.

Okay, okay, okay...

Can't comment on whether or not you're strong, since I can't tell. Quite frankly, I don't care how physically strong my husband is, as long as he's able to support me emotionally.

Look, I've read your posts, and you seem pretty smart to me.Again, I don't really care how high my husband's IQ is. As long as he has a bit of common sense.

Look, Envincebal, I'm looking right at your photo, and, for the record, I think you're very handsome.

You don't think you're witty, interesting, and can't make people laugh? Are you kidding me? You make me laugh all the time! Last Chat, you had me in hysterics, and you weren't even trying!

You know, I can't cook either. Not even toast. So what, I have a microwave...(That'll do, won't it?)

Guitar, guitar...You know what, I don't care if my husband can play the guitar. All I care about is that he's respectful, loving, caring, loyal, and would make a great father. And from what I've learned about you so far, you fit all these criteria, and if some other girl can't see that, then that's her problem.

Oh, and just remember, next time you think, "She's way out of my league," remember that every girl on this site would give anything to have a guy like you! Ladies, am I right?

xxx

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i was actually going to say that a question like this can invite a bit of boot-camp... which I can see it kinda has... IN A GOOD WAY.

EB... I'm with everyone else so far on this trail. Your posts - when speaking your heart and support for another person's question or concern or item here on the boards - are thoughtful, caring, genuine, and more than a touch empathetic (I didn't say sympathetic - which just sounds nice-for-nice-sake - and I didn't say pathetic - which of course is way off the truth!)... THOSE are characteristics that i would bet the ranch are not only appealing for a future date-mate to find in YOU... but I'll also bet those are the characteristics you want in someone else that YOU are looking for.

I think all the suggestions here are strong... maybe some are on the money for you and feel right... maybe some are way off and feel completely different than who you are or who you aspire to be. But here's the thing: every day I get up and every day I strive to be a better me - a better husband, a better dad, a better co-worker, a better boss. I do that because I project love and care. i know this is going to sound like some 12-step program, but people generally meet me and interact with me, and remark on the optimism in my eyes and voice, and the sheer joy of being with other people... I have never met a woman - except maybe when i was in high school and THAT sure as hell doesn't count LOL - who did not find optimism, joy and projected sense of who i was (CFox's point) incredibly attractive.

Being sure who you are leads to yes eventually being confident in who you are. Sometimes the hardest action is to commit to being the "upside" of you vs taking the pause to observe the downsides or the fussy sides or the disappointments. I think my comments here are not the quick-fixes - nor honestly are anyone's here - but you asked a very mature and bold question for advice or support for yourself... so I will simply offer that I became my most attractive (my wife will say this about me - this is NOT me boasting LOL) when I figured out who I was and who I wanted to be... in life, with other people, with people I don't know, with people I adore.

CFox asked an important question (of all of us, by the way) - "who are you?" You're 27 and I guarantee you that while yes people can still be superficial about looks and appearances and whatever else (some of which you can tackle as suits you with strength-building or toning or wardrobe) (oh - or haircut! women taught me the unbelievable value of a good haircut! LOL) ... you're also 27 at a time when people are genuinely interested in what you are like and what you like and what you stand for and who you stand with.

I think I answered who I was somewhere in my mid-20s... and mostly how I answered it had to do with impact and touch ... where and how I wanted to make little dents, big impact, big contribution... and the outlook, touch and commitment I would bring to those things. I had run scared of lots of things and my own shadow for a good chunk... not good enough, not strong enough, not cute enough (whatever that is), not man enough. Guess what? That's bullshit. But it took me a while - a good while - to figure it out, and friends and God made the difference for me.

You have much going for you in spirit and compassion. Now's a good time to take a new chance on something. Open a new door. Take a step forward into something new/different/out of your comfort zone. Trying is absolutely 90% of the battle, and it's one of the reasons why so many of the gospels' parables have to do with Jesus out of "comfort zone" and literally and figuratively touching other people.

Listen - you started a dialogue here... so soak it all in. I guarantee you everyone who responds to your post thoughtfully will be reminded of their own journey to answering and becoming the question CFox asks (ie who are you)... and as you do... you'll grow fully into your skin. :-) I promise you... there's nothing like it. You'll project confidence in a way that will feel empowering to yourself and to others.

PS... and confidence in yourself usually leads to the other things :-)

With much affection and support,

ian

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Envinceable,

I'm going to refer you to a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale.

The title seems kinda anti-climactic, but this book has sold over 10 million copies worldwide. I read it during early college and I can honestly say it changed my life. My mom read it and it did wonders for her as well. It's really about harvesting the power of the mind and realizing just how powerful or destructive the mind can be. I'll be upfront and say it comes from a Christian perspective. I honestly can't recommend this book enough.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, okay, okay...

Can't comment on whether or not you're strong, since I can't tell. Quite frankly, I don't care how physically strong my husband is, as long as he's able to support me emotionally.

Look, I've read your posts, and you seem pretty smart to me.Again, I don't really care how high my husband's IQ is. As long as he has a bit of common sense.

Look, Envincebal, I'm looking right at your photo, and, for the record, I think you're very handsome.

You don't think you're witty, interesting, and can't make people laugh? Are you kidding me? You make me laugh all the time! Last Chat, you had me in hysterics, and you weren't even trying!

You know, I can't cook either. Not even toast. So what, I have a microwave...(That'll do, won't it?)

Guitar, guitar...You know what, I don't care if my husband can play the guitar. All I care about is that he's respectful, loving, caring, loyal, and would make a great father. And from what I've learned about you so far, you fit all these criteria, and if some other girl can't see that, then that's her problem.

Oh, and just remember, next time you think, "She's way out of my league," remember that every girl on this site would give anything to have a guy like you! Ladies, am I right?

xxx

Indeed you are right about everything!!

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CF and ian, thanks for the wake up call. I think I really needed some tough love. I know who I am, but sometimes I don't think I'm channeling it the right way. I let failures bring me down too easily. I think both of you guys are right when you say I need to make a bigger effort in stepping out of my comfort zone and focus more on improving myself first. I was just having one of those days and I let it get to me. I'm good now.

Jegsy, thanks for your kind words. That's the first time any female has spoken so highly of me. Not that I needed it for validation, but it feels good to hear :)

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well if they choose some other dude over you then they weren't the one for you anyway. You seem sweet so someone will come along eventually

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have talked with you before and you seem to be an overthinker. You are a very smart guy so you should use that to your advantage. From what I have noticed attraction to women seems to be from the confidence of the person. If you think you are a great catch so will they. If you have trouble feeling that confidence at first you can always fake it. Just never appear to try too hard even if deep down you really are. Perception is everything!

Like some of the other commenters said, if you want to be stronger you can always join a gym and nothing can stop you from learning to play the guitar or sexaphone. Go for it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. :) It is clear from your post that you suffer from a severe inferority complex. You need to stop thinking of your negatives and look at what you have achieved. Self pity repels, confidence and pride will attract the right girl for you. Just know that there is nothing wrong with you, those girls aren't right for you. God will have the right woman for you. You just have to be patient. Take pride in your achievements and successes, dwelling on failures is toxic for the mind. The only suggestion I have is perhaps you could approach one of the women you have been on for dates and ask politely why she felt you were not the right man for you. But you seem like a nice guy and deserve all the best. You're dreams will come true some day. God Bless.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just feel defeated, unattractive and am tired of losing to other guys. I just don't know what to do to raise my nearly non-existent confidence level.

That's why no luck so far. Gotta go in there with some confidence. Now I'm sure you heard everything I'm about to tell you before but I think it might be different this time because I am pretty much in the same boat as you. Look at it this way, this might shine some light on your dilemma, would you date you? Got some bad news for you man you're gonna get rejected ALOT more in the future, it's life it happens. I got so many stories of getting shot down it's not funny. You have to learn to get some thick skin and move on to the next one. I know saying this crap is alot easier than going through it but it happens, even to the best of us. Confidence is a HUGE turn on, you have to man up buddy. Wanna be stronger and more attractive, workout. Want to be more sophisticated and whitty, read up on some things. Don't sit around waiting for dream girl to come around, make it happen. Best of luck buddy and just remember you're not alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I do have high standards for a girl, but every time I come across an amazing girl, I end up thinking these irrational thoughts like "Oh, she's out of my league" or "She would never go for a guy like me."

Oh yeah one more thing, NO ONE IS OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!!! Get out of that train of thought now.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now