Invincible

Single parents, divorcees and widows/widowers

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Would you date/marry any of these? Being in a relationship with someone of a previous marriage or with kids can be tricky. More often than not, there usually will be a lot of baggage brought into the relationship, from trust issues to the constant reminder of a deceased spouse. When kids are involved, they can get in the way because you have to get their approval as well. There's a possibility that they may resent you for trying to replace their real. mom/dad.

But despite all that, would you still date or marry any of these?

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Widowed: sure, it'd be more complicated, but I guess if I really loved them, then I'd find a way to make it work.

Divorced: no. Being Catholic, I believe that when you vow to be together "till death do you part", then that means, you're married until one of you dies. That...actually seems pretty reasonable to me! It's what you promised, after all. Anyway, I wouldn't date a guy if he'd been divorced and his wife was still alive. As far as I'm concerned, when you promise before God to be with someone the rest of your lives, you sort of have to stick to that promise....

Single parent: maybe. I guess it'd depend on the person, and I can't really say I'd know what I'd do until I was in that situation...

xxx

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Would you date/marry any of these? Being in a relationship with someone of a previous marriage or with kids can be tricky. More often than not, there usually will be a lot of baggage brought into the relationship, from trust issues to the constant reminder of a deceased spouse. When kids are involved, they can get in the way because you have to get their approval as well. There's a possibility that they may resent you for trying to replace their real. mom/dad.

But despite all that, would you still date or marry any of these?

Since I require virginity before marriage, no, I would not date/marry any of these.

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for me divorced would be a no, and the other situations would really depend on the case and situation.

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It's a case by case thing with me.

Single parent- This would be most tricky for me. I love children, that isn't the problem with me, but I'm afraid that they wouldn't want to have any more kids with me [if we did end up getting married.] I'd also have to deal with the mother of the child [ I'd have to face it that she'd be there for the next 18+ years] and that is where it could get ugly from what I hear.

Divorced man- It would depend on the grounds for his divorce. If he cheated and that is what ended it, then most definitely no. I refuse to even date a guy that has cheated in his past- it is bound to happen again [ don't think I'm only making it look like men cheat, women are just as guilty!]

Widowed man- I doubt that any guy in the age bracket I'm looking for would be widowed, but if he was, sure.

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For me... above all else, I always sought someone who had a soul and felt it. For those of you who practice your faiths, you'll hopefully see the sense of humanity and spirituality about looking for people who feel their souls. For those of you who are agnostic or not really sure, I use the word "soul" to refer to those who believe there is a higher calling, a higher purpose, and reason for being... and aim for that, sometimes staying on course, and sometimes stumbling, but always pushing forward.

guys... i'm just going to note - with sensitivities all around - that sometimes... divorce happens. I am certain we have all been touched by it - either directly (meaning your parents) or indirectly (meaning your friends or friends' parents or extended family). You also should realize we have more than one or two even here on WTM.org that have gone through that circumstance.

So... I'm only suggesting that like the question that comes up about dating or marrying non-virgins... you might be surprised at how open you may want to be on these questions when you come face to face with someone terrific... who for whatever reasons - whether their lapse of judgment in the moment and request for forgiveness - or for their husband's/wife's/boyfriend's/girlfriend's misguided choices - find themselves on the other side of those lines.

With any luck... we can each continue to have the strength and open arms to embrace all the good souls we each encounter... good souls can come in lots of forms. :-)

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So... I'm only suggesting that like the question that comes up about dating or marrying non-virgins... you might be surprised at how open you may want to be on these questions when you come face to face with someone terrific... who for whatever reasons - whether their lapse of judgment in the moment and request for forgiveness - or for their husband's/wife's/boyfriend's/girlfriend's misguided choices - find themselves on the other side of those lines.

With any luck... we can each continue to have the strength and open arms to embrace all the good souls we each encounter... good souls can come in lots of forms. :-)

ian, I completely agree. I used to believe that I deserved to marry a virgin since I've waited so long and I wouldn't settle for anything "less." But we've all done things we are not proud of, maybe not sex related, but things we regret doing nonetheless. If I can't look past a mistake someone made in the past, what right do I have to expect the other person to do any different? More importantly, I could missing out on an otherwise amazing and loving relationship just because the other person just happens to not be a virgin. I would much rather marry a loving and caring non-virgin than a virgin who I have an okay relationship with.

As for the topic at hand, I would almost certainly marry a widow without kids. There is a big chance that the widow had a loving marriage with her late spouse and so I know they are capable of having a healthy relationship.

With divorcees, if she cheated on her husband than absolutely not and the same goes for other "irreconcilable differences." I would really question that person's willingness to work hard in the relationship. But if they were abused or cheated on then I might marry them.

Single parents are the trickiest because I would only go for one under very specific circumstances. First, she has to love me for me and not just looking for a guy to take care of her child. Secondly, her child and I must get along. Thirdly, until we get married, her child is her responsibility and not mine. If all those are met, then I think I could do it.

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I don't know...I mean I can't really answer this any other way but by saying I'd have to be in those positions. I feel like widowed and divorced would be very unlikely scenarios at this stage of my life. Single parent...ehh definitely not a preference...

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My brother married a single mom who had a 6 year old son at the time.  He became that boy's father - not by legalities but by presence and filling the role and he did so happily.  That was one of the most beautiful examples of grace I've seen. 

What extraordinary love it is to marry a single parent and become a father to the fatherless (or mother to the motherless).  THAT'S an unselfish kind of love.  A true gift.  
 

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I think I have stated as much on here before that, into my early thirties, I was adamant about only marrying a virgin.  God began working with me around that time about this issue and completely changed my views on it.

Christ sets the example for what a husband is.  Being that God is flawless and holy, by his very nature he requires a bride that is also flawless and holy.  We as his bride, do not happen to be either of these things.  We are very flawed, very imperfect.  Does Christ reject his bride because she doesn't happen to fit the parameters that his holy nature requires?  No he does not.  If he did, he wouldn't be a husband and would be no more worthy of us than we are of him.  Instead, He loves us so powerfully, so passionately that he takes the burden of imperfection from our shoulders and transfers it to his own so that we might meet the requirements of being the bride to a perfect being.  He carries that burden for us so that we can be his perfect flawless bride.  That is what a husband does.

It is what any man who would be a husband must do.  He must love a woman to the extent that he carries the burdens of her past and present, freeing her from them within the bounds of their relationship.  As a result, she becomes free to be the wife he needs and desires, she becomes free to pursue her potential as such.  The love of a husband is such that, no matter her past, the woman he married will always be his virgin.  She will always be seen, loved, and cherished as his and his alone.  As a result, it is not her past actions that define her in the eyes of her husband but, it is instead his love for her, who she is as a person, and who she continues to become.  If a marriage can't be started from a blank slate then, it is likely to fail or be a source of misery for both parties involved.

The key to this is love.  The issue isn't whether or not a non-virgin single mother is worthy of a virgin guy.  The issue is, is the guy's love great enough to make him worthy of her.  Is his love for her great enough and powerful enough to make her history and her present circumstances a non-issue?  If not, then his love for her is not husbandly love and he his unworthy of her.  The issue isn't perfect or imperfect, virgin or non-virgin; the issue is love -- husbandly love.

I've seen it on this forum time after time, endlessly on other forums, and in countless other places.  Guys will find their "dream woman" -- a woman who they think is their perfect match.  The only problem is that they can't get over the woman's past -- sexual and/or otherwise.  I have the answer for these guys.  WALK AWAY.  If you are having problems with this, it means that however great your love for this woman might be, it is something a great deal less than husbandly love and, it therefore makes you unworthy of this woman and her love for you.  A husband's love for and, his enamorment of his bride/wife is so powerful, so white hot, so pure that he will gladly live with and carry in his own heart whatever less than desirable things her past might hold, just so he can enjoy, cherish, and be joined as one with the beauty that presently resides within her.

If the "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" doesn't insist that any of us have a past history of absolute perfection then, we certainly are not entitled to it.  For me to believe that I am so entitled or, for me to insist on virginity would be for me to consider myself higher than God.  I am not.  I don't come anywhere close.

On 1/13/2020 at 1:39 PM, Queen said:

My brother married a single mom who had a 6 year old son at the time.  He became that boy's father - not by legalities but by presence and filling the role and he did so happily.  That was one of the most beautiful examples of grace I've seen. 

What extraordinary love it is to marry a single parent and become a father to the fatherless (or mother to the motherless).  THAT'S an unselfish kind of love.  A true gift.  
 

As far as children are concerned, if a woman loves her children then they are a part of her heart.  To love her wholely, as a husband should, any man that would be married to her, must also love her children.  If he chooses not to then, he chooses not to love the woman in her entirety.

@Queen

I read your post before you edited it.  Here is something for you and any woman who might be in the situation you were in.

The only reason for divorce, mentioned in the Bible, is infidelity.  That stated, does the wisdom, guidance, and instruction of an infinite being end at the last few pages of Revelation?  Can all the guidance that this never-ending being have to share with every single person that, ever has or ever will exist, be contained within the pages of a millennia old text that fits in the palm of your hand?  I'd say that what God has to share with us, is as He is; it is without end -- as are the individual and varying situations and circumstances of we humans.  For a being such as God, the Bible is but one conversation -- a single exhaled breath -- and indeed, it is but one of countless conversations each of us should have with Him.  The Bible is only the very tip of the iceberg.  It is up to each of us to endlessly explore and go deeper into His being -- to ever learn more of his guidance, his wisdom, his love, and his beauty.

Everyone can agree that a husband and a wife are both required components for a marriage to exist.  If there is only a wife or only a husband then there is no marriage.  Over the past twenty one years, God has taught and demonstrated to me, through the relationship that I share with him, what a husband is and what a husband's love is.  A male who abuses the woman he married (physically, emotionally, mentally -- whatever the case), has chosen to not be a husband and in doing so, has made whatever marriage there might have been, nonexistent -- that is, if it was ever truly a marriage to begin with.

If there is no husband, there is no marriage and therefore, there is no wrongdoing on the part of a woman who leaves such a situation.  At most what you have is someone who is walking away from a dangerous, very damaging, potentially life threatening living arrangement and, NOTHING MORE than that.  She can't possibly divorce a husband if there isn't one to divorce.  The animal beating and berating her has chosen to be something far less than a husband -- in fact, something far less than a man.

A man is something a male chooses to be by his actions.  The same is true for a husband; it is something a man chooses to be by his actions.  "Man," "husband," "father" -- a guy is not any of these just because he says so or, because he is labeled so.  He can only be these things if he makes a solid effort and works hard to be such an individual.  Just because a guy stands at the alter or in front of a judge and promises to be a husband doesn't mean he is one.  He only becomes a husband when he chooses by way of his ongoing behavior and daily deeds to be one.

I will state it again -- a woman who is with a male who chooses by way of his actions to not be a husband cannot possibly be terminating a marriage if she leaves, because a marriage cannot possibly exist without a husband.  A woman in such a situation who files for "divorce" is merely satisfying the law and protecting herself legally.  She is simply putting an end to the brutal handiwork that the guy wasn't man enough to put a stop to himself.  So that she might move on and actually have a life, she is closing out and walking away from something that the guy already ended.  Specifically, she is walking away from the male's unfulfilled oath and broken promise of a lifelong marital union.

Here is something to consider.  I know a guy, who is in his fifties and has been single his entire life.  Most people wouldn't think much of him but, he is far more a man than any of these rabid animals who abuse the women they are with.  He decided during his early adulthood to remain single for the rest of his life.  The reason being, he despises men who beat women.  He realized that his temper was volatile enough that, he had the very real potential to become the thing he hated so, he chose to make sure that never happened by spending his life as a single bachelor.  If a guy is mentally unwell to the extent that he cannot keep his anger from causing him to abuse and hurt others -- particularly a wife or children -- he has the option to not become a subhuman animal; he just has to be man enough to choose it.

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BigMat
Thank for sharing your views. Wow!

On 1/31/2020 at 8:40 PM, BigMat said:

As a result, it is not her past actions that define her in the eyes of her husband but, it is instead his love for her, who she is as a person, and who she continues to become. 

What I've learned from you is that love is free - it allows each spouse to be free to be imperfect yet also free to become the best version of themselves.  As if love was the water to a plant - it helps it grow and become to its fullest potential.  And with its new health, it can love in return bearing much fruit.  That is such a beautiful kind of love.  Your love for your bride is so deep, compassionate, rich, and pure that even if she is a virgin, she will be so blessed with that kind of love that it wasn't her virginity and perceived flawlessness but simply your gift of love. 

On 1/31/2020 at 8:40 PM, BigMat said:

The key to this is love.  The issue isn't whether or not a non-virgin single mother is worthy of a virgin guy.  The issue is, is the guy's love great enough to make him worthy of her.  Is his love for her great enough and powerful enough to make her history and her present circumstances a non-issue?  If not, then his love for her is not husbandly love and he his unworthy of her.  The issue isn't perfect or imperfect, virgin or non-virgin; the issue is love -- husbandly love.

I had wondered if this existed. Love seems so conditional.  Thank you for sharing that, however rare, it does exist.  It exists in Christ, it exists in wonderful rare moments such as this. 

On 1/31/2020 at 8:40 PM, BigMat said:

I've seen it on this forum time after time, endlessly on other forums, and in countless other places.  Guys will find their "dream woman" -- a woman who they think is their perfect match.  The only problem is that they can't get over the woman's past -- sexual and/or otherwise.  I have the answer for these guys.  WALK AWAY.  If you are having problems with this, it means that however great your love for this woman might be, it is something a great deal less than husbandly love and, it therefore makes you unworthy of this woman and her love for you.  A husband's love for and, his enamorment of his bride/wife is so powerful, so white hot, so pure that he will gladly live with and carry in his own heart whatever less than desirable things her past might hold, just so he can enjoy, cherish, and be joined as one with the beauty that presently resides within her.

I agree that they should walk away if they cannot accept the potential relationship fully.  Just because someone is a non-virgin doesn't mean she cannot love deeply.  If a person cannot handle her as a whole person, then don't string her along and hurt her because you can't fully accept her for who she is.  Let someone else love her better. 

The bible has so many beautiful things to say about love.  It's the biggest message the bible has for us, yet so many people (even Christian) miss what love is and its forms (i.e. agape love).  Reading the bible and learning about what love really is when I realized I was being abused, I realized that abuse cannot be love.  It is the very absence of love.  It was through that very experience of abuse and all the mistakes that went with it, that God showed me what love really is.  Who God is and that he wouldn't want that for us even if it required divorce - which many religions damn.  God set me free with his love - literally and figuratively.  

I am glad you saw my post before I edited it, almost like you were meant to share this message and I was meant to hear it - especially well timed as the site is about to go down.  I edited the post because I had been revealing and vulnerable to my pain and experiences of my past.  And on this site and in society, I have experienced such pain of being a non-virgin who has vowed to celibacy.  Pain of nonacceptance.  Pain of a broken heart.  Pain that I cannot live up to the standards of others.  But you have demonstrated to me what love is.  Love with conditions is an attempt at love but not the fullest of love.  The love of a man to a woman who has seen what it is for a male to be so absent of love for her that he hurts her and abuses her, is a love that is so deeply appreciated.  It's like not appreciating safety until you are unsafe.  Not appreciating sunlight until you have experienced endless rain.  Not appreciating freedom until you have experienced imprisonment.  My love, for example, is so loyal, deep, and infinite.  I hope that one day, God will bless me with someone who is capable of reciprocating.  What a blessing it is to read your post before this site goes down.

I have never connected with 1 Corinthians 13 before as much as I have with your post.  
 

1 Peter 4:8   Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 

1 Corinthians 13:

1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8Prophecy and speaking in unknown languagesb and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10But when the time of perfection comes, these partial things will become useless.

11When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.c All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

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On 5/3/2012 at 10:37 PM, Invincible said:

Would you date/marry any of these? Being in a relationship with someone of a previous marriage or with kids can be tricky. More often than not, there usually will be a lot of baggage brought into the relationship, from trust issues to the constant reminder of a deceased spouse. When kids are involved, they can get in the way because you have to get their approval as well. There's a possibility that they may resent you for trying to replace their real. mom/dad.

But despite all that, would you still date or marry any of these?

Widowed: Yes, I would.

Divorced: I am Catholic so I would have to say no here due to the fact that the spouse would still be alive.  However, there is one exception for me: if the marriage was annulled. I have come to the realization that divorce does happen in a marriage: a spouse may be divorced due the husband physically abusing her, for example. I remember meeting a couple in a church that I used to go to were the husband recently married and he was previously divorced. He received an annulment through the church and now him and his new wife are together and they appear happy. He said that there is a lot of negative stigma surrounding divorced people and those going through the annulment process. His story made me think of the value a divorced person would bring to a relationship just because he or she is a person who is worthy of love. 

Single parent:

I mulled over my thoughts about this situation for many years. Ideally, I want to marry someone who doesn’t have children and hopefully we would raise children of our own. If I met a woman, who had a child from a previous relationship, I would want to know her motive for dating me: is she dating me so that I can take care of her child (such as dump her child on me so she can go party or something) or is she dating me because she wants to get to know me and be in a relationship with me. The same sentiment would apply if I was dating a person without children: what is her motive. 

If I met a wonderful woman who had children, I think that I would be open to dating her. I know a couple of single moms and they turned out to be good people. The circumstances of the previous relationship were not ideal: guy leaves her due to not having the balls to be there for his child. He wasn’t a parent. My concerns would be whether the child would like me and eventually accept me as a male figure in his or her life. When I think of dating and eventually marrying a single mom, it makes me think of St. Joseph the foster father of Jesus who married Mary and took Jesus into his home even though the  child wasn’t his biologically.

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