MichaelMarley

Splitting the bill vs. guy pays

45 posts in this topic

I am wondering what you think about "going Dutch" versus the traditional concept of the guy paying for both.

Personally, I believe in chivalry so I would be more that willing to pay for the meal of someone who I was dating. However, at the same time, I would find it quite attractive (in a breaking-the-gender-stereotype kind of way) if the girl wanted to pay for her own food.

What do you think?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

As an egalitarian it really hurts me to think this but....the guy should pay on the 1st date. I say this because this is their FIRST impression.

Feminism comes on the second date.

From the 2nd date onward i think the guy and girl should split the bill 50/50

Once you've become a "couple" (bf/gf) then i think it's easier if one day they go out the guy pays, the next day the girl pays, then the guy, then girl etc. I think money gets less important as time goes by and you get closer to each other.

This is why I'm not high on feminism. Most feminists aren't really egalitarian and are A-OK with traditionalism as long as it benefits the woman; they will still expect to be asked out, to be paid for, and to be proposed to. But of course, that's why they're feminists and not egalitarians.

As far as I'm concerned, I'll pay, but I'm absolutely not comfortable with any woman who believes in equality of the sexes except when it comes to the bill.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it'd be nice if he paid the first time, sort of traditional, but I wouldn't mind splitting the bill. And I think it's fair that you split the bill/alternate who pays for any dates after that.

However, I think the key thing is, even if you agree to split the bill the first time, he still has to offer to pay it. I don't really know why, but I think it'd be really rude if he didn't offer to the first time. You know, when the bill arrives at the table, the first words out of his mouth should be, "Let me get this, sweetie," not, "Oh, do you want me to pay? Or should we split it?"

xxx

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it'd be nice if he paid the first time, sort of traditional, but I wouldn't mind splitting the bill. And I think it's fair that you split the bill/alternate who pays for any dates after that.

However, I think the key thing is, even if you agree to split the bill the first time, he still has to offer to pay it. I don't really know why, but I think it'd be really rude if he didn't offer to the first time. You know, when the bill arrives at the table, the first words out of his mouth should be, "Let me get this, sweetie," not, "Oh, do you want me to pay? Or should we split it?"

xxx

That's something I can agree on. I certainly wouldn't mind offering to pay, so as to work out a solution or something.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i'm not pulling any cards. i'd split the bill every time, no expectations. especially if i just met the guy -- he owes me nothing, and i don't think it's very kind for me to expect a stranger to pay for any of my meals.

those traditions might've worked back when women weren't allowed/expected to work and earn money, but now we are. so no mooching.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If a girl doesn't start paying within a couple dates I will move on, as I feel if she doesn't pay than she is interested in the free ride and not me. Same goes with suggesting dates etc. Equal partnership - not one carrying the other!

As for first date - /shrug I'd offer to pay but if she offers to pay for herself I will let her. The one who asks should expect to pay I think.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If the guy offers to pay, then I'm not going to have one of those awkward "I'll pay" "No I'll pay" "No I'll pay" like my parents STILL do after being married for 20 years... if he offers to pay then I'll let him pay, but if he repeatedly offers to pay I'd feel bad and say "Hey, I'll pay this time" or "Let's split the bill" call me greedy but if he offers then, well, he offers

6 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is cool to have the first few times more traditional, but after that share the expenses.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If the guy offers to pay, then I'm not going to have one of those awkward "I'll pay" "No I'll pay" "No I'll pay" like my parents STILL do after being married for 18 years... if he offers to pay then I'll let him pay, but if he repeatedly offers to pay I'd feel bad and say "Hey, I'll pay this time" or "Let's split the bill" call me greedy but if he offers then, well, he offers

I'm a lot like you White Rose--I'm not gonna fight it much and make sure I say thank you. I also like to offer to pay sometimes... maybe it's just dessert or a drink, but I think it shows that I'm not mooching. I appreciate a guy paying but he doesn't need to for every little thing.

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i can't imagine why a guy would so desperately want to pay my bill lol, and if he does so much that he'd keep insisting like that, there might be a problem. like too much pride.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When it comes to dating, I don't like the idea of splitting the bill ever because I feel like that's what friends do. I think both people should take turns covering the whole bill. But then again, it kind of evens out in the end anyways so I guess it's not that big of a deal.

I think whoever initiated the first date should pay the bill. It doesn't seem right for example, if a girl asked a guy out and expected him to pay for the date. Now there's nothing wrong with girls making the first move, but I'm a bit of a traditionalist and it feels more natural for guys to pursue girls. Even in this day and age where women are more independent, more assertive and holding leadership positions, it still seems like many women want to be pursued. But that's just my opinion. I just think it's more romantic that way.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The first date that my boyfriend and I went on I offered to split the bill with him, but he told that he'd get it next time, and then maybe we could split the bill for the second date. I thought that was a very nice trait for him to have. Even when the second date came around he actually wouldn't let me pay. Of course, over the time we've dated I've bought him gifts (and vice versa), but he still doesn't like me paying the bill. The offer is always there, but he actually feels that he owes me something when we do this. I just think it's kind of cute and old fashioned, but it works for us.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When it comes to dating, I don't like the idea of splitting the bill ever because I feel like that's what friends do. I think both people should take turns covering the whole bill. But then again, it kind of evens out in the end anyways so I guess it's not that big of a deal.

I think whoever initiated the first date should pay the bill. It doesn't seem right for example, if a girl asked a guy out and expected him to pay for the date. Now there's nothing wrong with girls making the first move, but I'm a bit of a traditionalist and it feels more natural for guys to pursue girls. Even in this day and age where women are more independent, more assertive and holding leadership positions, it still seems like many women want to be pursued. But that's just my opinion. I just think it's more romantic that way.

i agree that women prefer to be pursued, and it seems natural for the man to pursue, but i personally don't consider bill payments part of the chase. the chase is getting to know me, getting closer to me on a personal level. he could spend $1,000 dollars on a date with me and still get no further if we're not compatible.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

noelle, I slightly disagree. You're right when you say it's not the amount of money spent that's important. But it's more of the willingness to spend time and money on someone who you think is special. It's the thought and effort that really counts, but if someone spent their hard earned money on you, it does count for something even if it's not as important than the quality of time spent.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hm, this is a topic that I really don't have strong feelings about one way or the other. I think it's a nice gesture when either person pays the bill, and I'll often pay the whole tab, whether I'm on a date or with a friend, doesn't matter. If I think about it, I guess I don't pay it out of obligation or 'what's supposed to be done', it's more of a way to show my appreciation for whoever I'm with. If a date or a friend wants to pay the whole thing, I will usually offer as well and ask them if they're sure, but I won't fight. If I really want to pay and the person I am with wants to fight back and forth about it, I just let them pay... At that point, it's just a silly courtesy show, and I'd rather our attention be focused on topics other than bills and finance. :lol: I prefer payments to be equal, or at least as equal as can be without spending time stressing over the details or trying to figure out who paid last, etc. I don't want anyone to pay for me anywhere for the sake of what's expected, traditional, etc. If someone wants to pay for me because they want to, that's fine, but otherwise I'd rather pay for myself.

I definitely see the logic in not asking someone out unless you are prepared to pay-- that is the way I think! If I ask someone to dinner, I'm normally the first one going for the check.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Call me old fashioned but I just think its right for the guy to pay most of the time. Not all the time and if she picks the bill up once in awhile I do think its really cool! And I like the idea of the guy buying dinner and the girl buying dessert or drinks afterwards or what have you. Thats a nice way to kinda even it out a little. But then again I'm not the type of person to keep score. I don't mind spending money on someone I really like...in fact I enjoy doing it! :)

One more thing...I don't like the idea of splitting the bill 50/50...thats something I do with my buddies

4 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One more thing...I don't like the idea of splitting the bill 50/50...thats something I do with my buddies

Exactly! If a friend doesnt have enough money on them or forgot their credit card, I'll pay for something, and they'll return the favor by getting something else for me that is similar value. Like if I bought a friend a couple drinks which came to $10, they would buy me dinner next time we're out.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is why I'm not high on feminism. Most feminists aren't really egalitarian and are A-OK with traditionalism as long as it benefits the woman; they will still expect to be asked out, to be paid for, and to be proposed to. But of course, that's why they're feminists and not egalitarians.

THIS! My thoughts exactly...

Probably 80% of the time I pay - I just think it's what the guy should do and so I expect to do it each time. Every now and then my girl pays (which is awesome and nice every now and then) but if it ever gets too often I've actually told her not to haha. I just think it's the right thing to do.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i get most of the points, especially that it's not something to argue over and it's not systematic, but i'm not comfortable with someone paying for my things all or most of the time. that's not how i'd like to model my relationship -- i'm not looking for a provider. and by your reasoning, vince, shouldn't then both partners pay evenly to show mutual interest? if he's investing so much time and money in me, what can be said about my feelings toward him?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i get most of the points, especially that it's not something to argue over and it's not systematic, but i'm not comfortable with someone paying for my things all or most of the time. that's not how i'd like to model my relationship -- i'm not looking for a provider. and by your reasoning, vince, shouldn't then both partners pay evenly to show mutual interest? if he's investing so much time and money in me, what can be said about my feelings toward him?

I'm not saying a guy should pay all the time or even most of the time. Like you were saying, you're not looking for a provider. Well, I'm not looking for a gold digger. lol. At the very least, the girl should pay once in a while, otherwise most guys would go broke. All I'm saying is at least for the first date, I think the guy should pay. That or maybe a guy pays for dinner and later the girl can get dessert or something.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

maybe it's just me, but I hate, hate, hate it when other people pay for me at a restaurant or a coffee shop or whatever. unless it's my birthday, I do not like it when people buy me things!!! I've never had a real boyfriend (oh god) but I'm assuming he'll want to pay so I'm basically just going to be uncomfortable for, like, the rest of my life.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmmm, I've never gone to dinner on the first date, so I've never had this situation. With me its normally the cinema and then drinks on a first date. I will generally let the guy pay for the tickets but I'll insist on getting the popcorn, sweets, drinks etc. In the bar afterwards I will let him pay for the drinks....I dont drink alcohol so he's only getting me an orange juice and that wont break the bank.

I generally find that guys dont like it when I offer to pay, like it emasculates them or something. My current boyfriend doesnt like it if he's asked me out and then I pay, he says it makes him feel bad. So what I generally do to compensate is every once in a while I will get tickets to a show/movie/gig and ask him out or buy/rent a dvd and ask him over to chill. Or else I will pick him up a little treat or something silly if it reminds me of him. That way it kind of evens out the cost and shows him that I appreciate him.

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I will always offer to pay half if I have it. If I don't have enough to pay for my half I simply won't go out. That's just what many of the women in my life taught me. Like don't give someone something to hold over your head because they may expect something in return that you're not comfortable with. I've had friends that supposedly do nice things just because and then end up throwing it back in your face like "I did a, b, and c for you so why can't you...?" If I ever have a guy who spends lots of money on me all the time and not let me pay for anything it be a little unsettling.

That's the negative way to look at it mixed in with my skeptical nature. Plus I just think it's courteous to at least offer to pay half.

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I prefer to pay for the first couple of dates for 3 reasons... 1: I asked her out!... 2: how can i plan a date if im worrying if she can afford it (I'm not saying it will be expensive but due to the recession everyone is in different financial situations)... 3: I'm a little old-fashioned ie I'll hold the door open, help her with her coat... To me (and I'm probably gonna get a slap here but its what I believe) there is nothing wrong with treating a woman as a woman, having some good old fashioned manners and realizing men and women ARE different.

That being said I do however think it is a nice gesture after you've been on a few dates for her to sometimes contribute ie get the popcorn at the movies, pay for desert, if we are out for the day buy the ocassional drink as it shows she is not just using you but is also willing to invest in and contribute to your relationship (and if she's not willing to put any effort into the relationship then to me at least I doubt it would be a very good marriage as it would feel one-sided) and of course she could always plan a surprise date too!

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

O.k. I've been stewing over his topic for about a week. Last night I vented to a friend my age about it because what I mainly remembered was that the women were like yea sure 50/50. Had I crossed that line into antiquated? In fact even when I perused before posting it was more of the men saying, no I'll pay but it's cool if she does sometimes.

Keep in mind, I admittedly haven't been on a date in awhile and I am very aware that the difference between what men and women make have shrunk significantly. That being said, I am a prize. You want one, you better work for it. I'm not a gold digger, I can pay for my own way. I could go on and on about this topic but I guess the main thing is that right now I have a pretty darn good life. I can come and go as I please. Pay my own way, have my own house and car. Relationships do take an investment ad although the guy will be showing he's interested via his wallet, the woman is more than likely investing herself emotionally. Let's face it, which one is easier to recover?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now