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Jennifer

Sexual Jealousy - How To Deal With It?

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Hey everyone!

My name is Jennifer and I recently wrote an article on here that was about dealing with my fiance's sexual past. (Check it out if you have the time!) :)

I am a waiter, and I struggled immensely with dealing with the fact that my fiance was not a virgin. However, I was able to overcome my negative feelings and deal with them.

In case you are not familiar with my story, we are very compatible on every level - he is everything I had ever hoped to find in a man, he is committed to me, respects me, treats me very well, and very importantly, he respects my decision to wait. The only thing that bothered me was that he was not a virgin. I was unwilling to simply let him go because he wasn't a virgin. I truly love him and could see how much I was hurting him with my jealousy and torment and it was important to overcome those feelings if I wanted him in my life. (The other choice would be to let him go, something I did not want to do.)

What I was hoping was that if anyone had any questions/comments about sexual jealousy, they could post them here! I am more than happy to share any advice or answer any questions that people have or just hold a general discussion, if people wanted to share their own struggles or how they feel about the topic in general.

- Jennifer

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Do not have any questions or comments but thought I would say I read and enjoyed your article Jennifer.

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Jennifer,

Thanks for the great article and good topic! I was just wondering how you deal with being compared? If dating a virgon its not an issue so its easy, but someone who isnt; id be so scared!

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@ ComputerFox - Thank you!

Jennifer,

Thanks for the great article and good topic! I was just wondering how you deal with being compared? If dating a virgon its not an issue so its easy, but someone who isnt; id be so scared!

@ Sally - Thank you! I'm not 100% sure what you're asking though. Do you mean how I do I feel about comparing myself to them, or how they compare to other people?

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Do you think you would have felt the same level of jealousy if your fiance had only been with a couple of girls - all in a committed relationship? I always felt like if my boyfriend had had sex in the past with only a couple of girls while being in a committed relationship, I would only feel jealousy that he had loved another girl, not so much that he had had sex with another girl. I guess I won't know until I start dating...I'm kind of dreading dating, actually. >.<

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How he compares you to them....or will when youre married...

I've actually asked him about this. I told him that I was insecure about not having any experience and about being compared to other women. Essentially, what it comes down to is that if you are going to be with someone who has been with other people, they need to understand that your "lack of experience" is not something to look down upon. This can all be attributed to communication. If you find someone that respects your decision to wait, with that also comes the respect for you and the patience they are going to need to have for you. Since everything will be the first time you are experiencing it, they need to understand that. In terms of being compared to other women - if they are constantly comparing you to people they have been with (for example, they say that their ex is a better kisser than you are) then this is not someone who respects you.

The reality of the situation is that even if the person doesn't try to compare you, subconsciously there might be a comparison once or twice. HOWEVER, the comparison should only be about how much more loving, intimate, better (whatever you want to call it) it is with you. But honestly, if they really, truly love you and care about you, then the other people they have been with will NOT be on their mind.

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Do you think you would have felt the same level of jealousy if your fiance had only been with a couple of girls - all in a committed relationship? I always felt like if my boyfriend had had sex in the past with only a couple of girls while being in a committed relationship, I would only feel jealousy that he had loved another girl, not so much that he had had sex with another girl. I guess I won't know until I start dating...I'm kind of dreading dating, actually. >.<

That's a great question. In my situation, the people he slept with were not only from committed relationships, but there were women where it was not as serious (this was after the relationships). He honestly did not sleep with a lot of women (the number is very low) but to me anything more than 0 was too much to handle.

To be completely honest, I think I had more of a problem dealing with the committed relationships than the sex. They were both difficult to deal with, but overall I think that I was more emotional about the love than the sex. To me, finding out that he had loved another woman enough to marry her was almost too much. I almost felt betrayed by him - how dare he love another woman?

Something I had always looked for in a man was someone who was willing to commit. And yet here I was, upset with him because he had already been in a committed relationship? Now when I think about it, it makes no sense. Essentially, I was expecting him to be the only woman he EVER loved and had a relationship with. That's an unreasonable request. But asking him to love me now and to be committed to me now? That's a very reasonable thing to ask, and is something that is not too easy to find.

For any relationship, initially it will be very hard to deal with someone's past relationships. But it is something that is the reality of life - they will have had crushes on other people, they will have liked other people, they will have maybe loved someone else. But all that matters is that they love you now and that they always will.

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Haha you're catching the bug, aren't you Jen? Your article was a pretty big hit, traffic-wise. I think it contains themes that even non-waiters can relate to, which makes it even more popular because it can appeal to a broader audience. I'm really happy that you wrote it, I'm glad you decided to join the forums to contribute even more!

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Your article was a pretty big hit, traffic-wise. I think it contains themes that even non-waiters can relate to,

Exactly what I think. Even non-waiters can be conservative about sex, and don't like it when their partner has had sex outside of committed relationships, or has been in love before.

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Something I had always looked for in a man was someone who was willing to commit. And yet here I was, upset with him because he had already been in a committed relationship? Now when I think about it, it makes no sense. Essentially, I was expecting him to be the only woman he EVER loved and had a relationship with. That's an unreasonable request.

It is an unreasonable request, but I think it makes perfect sense why anyone - WTMer or not - would feel that way. I'm not sure many people would have as much maturity and wisdom as you to deal with their jealousy, instead of trying to bury it or allowing it to completely take over. It's not even uncommon to feel a bit of jealousy and protectiveness when your partner/spouse runs into their elementary school crush. lol. I remember overhearing this conversation with a boyfriend and girlfriend, and the guy said, "I know you were ten when you liked him, but is it okay for me to be just a little annoyed and jealous that he's in your class?" lol.

Thank you for your response! I'm really glad you joined the forum, and your article is great! :)

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Jennifer: I'm you. I'm a forties guy who waited... and married a non-waiter with a limited # on her dancecard (like your fiance)... and while it was a bit of a rollercoaster just like you describe - the ups and downs of occasional jealousy or comparison fears or just silly anxiety - what you eventually catch on to is... that she (or for you, he) is equally steadfast in believing in the rightness of you two, and all the loves (and actions) of the past eventually go into a box locked away and thrown away forever. There are lots of late night talks, and lots of I wish things were different and lots of but we really really love each other and lots of if I had it to do over and lots and lots and lots of daily reminders that it really really is right. :-) The thing that got me eventually over it? The awareness that my OWN past vanished into the background... (it's not like I thought of ex-girlfriends). I'm not saying it was the same thing fully, but you know what? It was enough for me to see that if I didn't give any of them a second thought... then maybe just maybe she didn't either. And that gave me permission to put it behind us once and for all, and enjoy the wonderful relationship we were in. Good for you - for doing the same. :-)

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That's a great question. In my situation, the people he slept with were not only from committed relationships, but there were women where it was not as serious (this was after the relationships). He honestly did not sleep with a lot of women (the number is very low) but to me anything more than 0 was too much to handle. To be completely honest, I think I had more of a problem dealing with the committed relationships than the sex. They were both difficult to deal with, but overall I think that I was more emotional about the love than the sex. To me, finding out that he had loved another woman enough to marry her was almost too much. I almost felt betrayed by him - how dare he love another woman? Something I had always looked for in a man was someone who was willing to commit. And yet here I was, upset with him because he had already been in a committed relationship? Now when I think about it, it makes no sense. Essentially, I was expecting him to be the only woman he EVER loved and had a relationship with. That's an unreasonable request. But asking him to love me now and to be committed to me now? That's a very reasonable thing to ask, and is something that is not too easy to find. For any relationship, initially it will be very hard to deal with someone's past relationships. But it is something that is the reality of life - they will have had crushes on other people, they will have liked other people, they will have maybe loved someone else. But all that matters is that they love you now and that they always will.

I think I would have a lot of trouble with that too, emotionally. It sounds ironic that you want someone to commit and were upset they were in a commited relationship before, but I would be the same way. It's hard to think of relating in terms of moving on because as a virgin, I've never had to 'move on' from someone I slept with, but I have had to 'move on' from a boyfriend. I really like your end quote "all that matters is that they love you now and that they always will."

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That's a great question. In my situation, the people he slept with were not only from committed relationships, but there were women where it was not as serious (this was after the relationships). He honestly did not sleep with a lot of women (the number is very low) but to me anything more than 0 was too much to handle.

To be completely honest, I think I had more of a problem dealing with the committed relationships than the sex. They were both difficult to deal with, but overall I think that I was more emotional about the love than the sex. To me, finding out that he had loved another woman enough to marry her was almost too much. I almost felt betrayed by him - how dare he love another woman?

Something I had always looked for in a man was someone who was willing to commit. And yet here I was, upset with him because he had already been in a committed relationship? Now when I think about it, it makes no sense. Essentially, I was expecting him to be the only woman he EVER loved and had a relationship with. That's an unreasonable request. But asking him to love me now and to be committed to me now? That's a very reasonable thing to ask, and is something that is not too easy to find.

For any relationship, initially it will be very hard to deal with someone's past relationships. But it is something that is the reality of life - they will have had crushes on other people, they will have liked other people, they will have maybe loved someone else. But all that matters is that they love you now and that they always will.

Wow Jennifer I really liked that last bit there: "But it is something that is the reality of life - they will have had crushes on other people, they will have liked other people, they will have maybe loved someone else. But all that matters is that they love you now and that they always will."

I'm going actually steal this quote :)....I mean I agree I think it would be a pretty unfair standard to hold someone up to as we've all been guilty of having feelings or being attracted to other people maybe even sometimes while in a relationship thinking someone is very beautiful or handsome and like you said that's a fact of life. So I agree because I know I've been guilty of all those the only thing I don't have (hopefully don't ever have to) is the sexual baggage.

Now I have a question for you Jennifer. You said it was more of a problem that he loved another individual enough to marry them and maybe that's where some of the jealousy was at. May I ask why that would bother you? I'm trying to understand is all. Would that not make you happy to know you found someone capable of loving and someone who also is able to committ enough to want to marry someone?? Personally, for me that would really good news it would tell me a lot about that person. I think my main struggle would be accepting their sexual past. I don't even think I want to get married a lot of the times :lol: but then again some men may have slept with someone but can still have really good character. I don't know....

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Haha you're catching the bug, aren't you Jen? Your article was a pretty big hit, traffic-wise. I think it contains themes that even non-waiters can relate to, which makes it even more popular because it can appeal to a broader audience. I'm really happy that you wrote it, I'm glad you decided to join the forums to contribute even more!

I am so glad I found this site! It helped me when I was dealing with my problems and now I am more than happy to give back. :)

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Thank you for your response! I'm really glad you joined the forum, and your article is great! :)

Thank you very much! :)

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Good for you - for doing the same. :-)

Thank you so much. It definitely had it's ups and downs but the issue is resolved now, and all that matters is how much we love each other now.

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Now I have a question for you Jennifer. You said it was more of a problem that he loved another individual enough to marry them and maybe that's where some of the jealousy was at. May I ask why that would bother you? I'm trying to understand is all. Would that not make you happy to know you found someone capable of loving and someone who also is able to committ enough to want to marry someone?? Personally, for me that would really good news it would tell me a lot about that person. I think my main struggle would be accepting their sexual past. I don't even think I want to get married a lot of the times :lol: but then again some men may have slept with someone but can still have really good character. I don't know....

Initially, I was never bothered by the fact that he had girlfriends before me. It's just normal, to expect that at some point in their lives, they've gone on a date or had a relationship, so it was never an issue. It was only AFTER the sexual jealousy came into full swing that his relationship past also began to bother me. I was jealous that he had had sex with other women, and was also surprised to find myself jealous that he had had serious relationships before me as well.

It's odd, because one of things I really liked about him from the start was that he was like me: looking for a long term relationship and not just looking for a good time. (Which up until meeting him, had been something that I had not come across before.) But I found that after the sexual jealousy started to bother me, everything related to his relationship past bothered me too. But now I am able to see it for what it was, and not as a bad thing.

In terms of what you mentioned about character - I think that who you sleep with does not necessarily always define your character, but it is a strong indicator of the choices you make. Someone can have a very strong, good character and not be a virgin, and it is important not to judge people. We don't always know the circumstances, and we don't always know why they made the decision they made at the time. To get a better idea of someone's character look at the choices they made and try to understand why they made them. This will give you a better understanding instead of just looking at their actions.

For example, take two people who have each slept with one person. One of them slept with their girlfriend/boyfriend who they were in a relationship with, and the other person slept with someone random they met at a party just to lose their virginity. They've both only slept with one person, but if you look at the circumstances, one made the decision under entirely different circumstances than the other. That's why it's important to look at why the decisions were made, instead of always focusing on just what the decision was.

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For example, take two people who have each slept with one person. One of them slept with their girlfriend/boyfriend who they were in a relationship with, and the other person slept with someone random they met at a party just to lose their virginity. They've both only slept with one person, but if you look at the circumstances, one made the decision under entirely different circumstances than the other. That's why it's important to look at why the decisions were made, instead of always focusing on just what the decision was.

Good point. I always take that into consideration as people have very different values/character like in your example above.

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Initially, I was never bothered by the fact that he had girlfriends before me. It's just normal, to expect that at some point in their lives, they've gone on a date or had a relationship, so it was never an issue. It was only AFTER the sexual jealousy came into full swing that his relationship past also began to bother me. I was jealous that he had had sex with other women, and was also surprised to find myself jealous that he had had serious relationships before me as well.

It's odd, because one of things I really liked about him from the start was that he was like me: looking for a long term relationship and not just looking for a good time. (Which up until meeting him, had been something that I had not come across before.) But I found that after the sexual jealousy started to bother me, everything related to his relationship past bothered me too. But now I am able to see it for what it was, and not as a bad thing.

In terms of what you mentioned about character - I think that who you sleep with does not necessarily always define your character, but it is a strong indicator of the choices you make. Someone can have a very strong, good character and not be a virgin, and it is important not to judge people. We don't always know the circumstances, and we don't always know why they made the decision they made at the time. To get a better idea of someone's character look at the choices they made and try to understand why they made them. This will give you a better understanding instead of just looking at their actions.

For example, take two people who have each slept with one person. One of them slept with their girlfriend/boyfriend who they were in a relationship with, and the other person slept with someone random they met at a party just to lose their virginity. They've both only slept with one person, but if you look at the circumstances, one made the decision under entirely different circumstances than the other. That's why it's important to look at why the decisions were made, instead of always focusing on just what the decision was.

Ooooohhh okay Jennifer! Now I understand why! yeah girl I totally see what you mean and that makes perfect sense. You're right! It's happened to me to. I guess as you get closer to the person, the feelings get stronger, and ya'll become more intimate that's when you realize everything and yup the jealousy kicks in like crazy! hahaha Happened to me so yeah I get you now.

and to your character topic it'd steal bug the heck out of me! :lol: but I don't know we'' see.

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I've recently become engaged, and my fiancé is not a virgin. He has had sex with one woman and "half sex" (?) with another and has kissed multiple girls. It was strange, since for a while, it didn't bother me, but then, BAM. I'm a jealous, anxious mess. Even now after 1 year, I'm still a mess. I still cry randomly, get angry, hurt, ect. I've talked to him, forgiven him, he regrets it all and wishes he would have waited. Nothing he says helps. I know he loves me and only me, I know I'm not being compared, and I know his number isn't even big. Why am I such a mess? Why am I so jealous. I feel so cheated and disgusted and I can't get over it. I'm so insecure ): I just want some encouraging words and maybe some advice. I love him to death, and I will be married to him. But how can I get over the gross fact that I waited and he didn't? 

 

Much love xx

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He's still human.  Humans aren't perfect and you have to accept all of him or none of him. If he's waiting with you now, believe me that he LOVES you.  That's all he can be responsible for. He can't erase or undo his past.  He can't fix this hurt. 
And if he is mentally-healthy, then he has unpacked his baggage before he got with you, so he won't be rummaging through past memories.  He's most likely let them go and looking at his future.

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