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Sally

Advice on new 'relationship'

10 posts in this topic

So I was wondering if I could get some non-objective advice from you all. I have this guy I've known (for like a year casually) and we started hanging out and talking a lot the end of this semester. We finally have gone on a couple dates and we ended up making out that other night =P (we've 'hung out' between the nice/official dates) Somehow taking things slow came up and I mentioned the whole WTM thing. He said he understands and wants to take things super slow. He has had sex before in past committed relationships, although one of his friends (a girl) for some reason told me after his last break up, he slept with a drunk girl. We get along great personality-wise and have stuff in common, like we both love sushi, like history/reading, country music, etc. We can talk about religion/church stuff, but he is not tooo religious for me. Thanks for any advice!! =)

My one friends thinks I can do better and thinks that he won't treat me as well as I deserve: i.e. pushing for sex, or being flirty with other girls while he has a gf. Other than her, though, friends seem pretty supportive...

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My advice, based on how this sounds to me: Have fun with him, but don't kid yourself about the long-term prospects. ;)

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Yeah?? ugh, I talk to him a lot though (like practically every day) and whenever I kiss or makeout with someone to me it shows that I reallly like them. It's not just for fun. (Althought of course it is fun)

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Can you help me in figuring out ways to NOT lead myself on?? I've had 2 bfs before-1 for 6 months; we dated for a month before we were 'in a relationship', the other we were only together a month; he cut it off because he still had feelings for his ex. I haven't really dated casually and I get attached easily--esp since he said I'm the only girl he's "talking to" (like has interest in-we've gone on a few dates) I'm really bad as telling if he's being truthful or a sweet-talker (I've been good about differentitaing before, but he's hard) I was gonna be gone for a few days and mentioend when I'm back I'll need a study break, so asked if he'd wanna do a hiking study break. He said "Anything as long as I'm with you" =P

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Hey Sally,

I've recently found myself in a disturbingly similar situation. I think it's a lot different from a guy's perspective though. I may be casting her as the victim but I do know that she isn't proud of the choices she's made in the past. She doesn't regret them because she learned things that make her the person she is today. I realized too, that without those experiences she might not be the girl that I find myself liking today.

It was definitely the hardest in the beginning. I have trouble getting into a relationship unless I see long-term potential. What helped me the most was just talking about her past and understanding why she made those choices. We've been together for a little over 2 months at this point and we're still going strong.

It's definitely still hard at times though. I feel slightly guilty because I am the first decent, genuine, guy that she's ever been close to and I don't want to cause her unnecessary anxiety about her past. I asked her early on if she would date me knowing from the beginning that we would only last a year and she said she would because she'd still be curious about what adventures we would have.

My one friends thinks I can do better and thinks that he won't treat me as well as I deserve

Does she mean better as in someone else who is also waiting? If she does then she should realize that the chances of finding someone that you match up with who's also waiting is practically nil. There are a ton of good people out there who haven't/aren't waiting and I don't think that we should just pass them by. If we do we might end up very lonely.

The second part about him treating you as well as you deserve is definitely something you should keep an eye out for. It's hard to see things objectively while you're in the honeymoon phase (which I assume you still are) so wait a couple weeks, take things slow, and see how you feel then. Dealing with the past is also the hardest during this time because it's the time that you're looking the farthest forward and have the highest expectations. If he seems like the kind of guy that would pressure you for sex I would highly recommend kicking him to the curb. Any girl can do better than that.

Ultimately, I don't have the right answer to this question but I've decided to give it a shot for myself. If you feel good about it and he seems like a genuinely nice guy then go for it but just be careful. The more I think about this the more interesting the girl/guy perspective on this is. If you have anymore questions/comments/insights fire away! :lol:

Leo

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Admittedly it sounds like sweet talk to me. I've been in some very serious relationships in the past and we only very rarely said things like that to each other. It could definitely just be a case by case thing but it sounds like he's trying too hard, trying to come across as smitten.

The one piece of advice that I think you should cling to is the old adage, "actions speak louder than words." In my experience I can't possibly emphasis how true this is. Pay close attention to what he's doing rather than what he's saying. If he really is smitten then he'll get embarrassed when he does something silly, he'll be trying too hard (hopefully opening doors for you), and you'll find yourself thinking 'that's so cute!' He needs to show you how he feels, not just tell you.

One specific example I can recall is at the beginning of one of my longer relationships I took my girlfriend snowboarding for her first time. By then I had already told her that I was in love with her but she hadn't said it back yet. Unfortunately the mountain closed down after only a few hours due to extreme weather but we did get a full refund.

After the whole ordeal she told me that she could tell that I really did love her because of the way I acted toward her on the mountain. I was essentially teaching her how to snowboard and she said I was very patient with her and happy to be there. I don't know if that helps but I think it's a good example to illustrate that actions do speak louder than words. It was shortly after that trip that she said it back. :)

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Leo-Thanks for your input!!

I think my friend meant someone else who is waiting, but I agree, the chances of that are nil, but it doesn't mean that I should pass this opportunity up. It sounds like your situation is the reverse of mine---I'm the genuine, great girl he's found. Although it sounds like he has dated some really nice girls before.

I agree it's sweet-talkin. It sounds so redic when he says it. He does open doors to restaurants when we go out on dates, and he pays for dinner. He definitly gets embarassed about some things about himself though. He does this different voice, like imitating other people, and he doesn't realize he's doing it; and I thold him it's funny. I asked him to do it, and when I just ask he like totally freezes up. It's like he's really nervous. Same with his guitar. He told me what he knows, yet he doesn't wanna play for me yet. On one date, I thanked him for dinner, and he was like well thank you for gracing me with your presence. But sometimes we banter/joke/flirt and I feel like that was just one of those things, you know?

I'm thinkin next time I see him, we'll go hiking, so to keep it from getting physical and I'll see what happens. We'll prob hold hands at some point on the hike, but I think that's good. What do you think??

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Not quite the reverse but I see what you mean. She's totally genuine too but she's just had a run of bad luck. She's totally caring, sweet, funny, etc... We just have different views on things like waiting.

Ha that's funny that it sounds ridiculous. Well just don't fall for it I guess. The more you talk about this guy the better he sounds. I think holding hands is perfectly fine. Even being physical is fine as long as you're comfortable.

You just want to be careful to not get too emotionally attached before you feel like you've adequately assessed the situation. I was worried about that myself. I worried that kissing was making me blind to things that I'd normally run from. Now that we're out of that giddy beginning, I feel like I can see things a lot more clearly. Being somewhat physical (snuggling, holding hands, kissing) is fine just so long as it doesn't cloud your judgement and, of course, as long as you feel comfortable with it.

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I try not fall for it. I try to remember that I really like him, so I might see it as more 'real'. (But still just as cheesy and prob usues it on more girls than just me) He did say that he hasn't just watched a movie with a girl since his last gf, and it was really nice. Said there was something different. I believe that though, because we literally watched the whole movie, just cuddled up nice, and talked after and ended up making out some =)

I feel like I in general get emotionally attached to people easily. I worry about the same thing you said--that kissing is maing me blind to things that I'd normally run from. We've snuggled, held hands and kissed like you said---I"m very comfortable with it; it feels 'right' with him. (Like not a hook up--possibly more dates b/c of good chemistry/personalities) Like sometimes we'll lay there talking for a long time, cuddle and kiss some. It's really nice :)

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It sounds like things are going well! I wouldn't worry too much at this point. Just try not to let things go any further and keep dating him. If he's 'the one' then he won't pressure you and you'll have a lovely long healthy relationship. If he's not 'the one' he'll start trying to initiate more physical contact and when he realizes he's not getting anywhere he'll bail. In the meantime have fun!

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