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jackiebrim

We didn't WTM but now my boyfriend wants to

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Hi everyone,

I have read just about every single topic in this forum, and it has been a great help to me. I have a very tough situation on my hands. My boyfriend is Catholic, and I am still struggling with my religion (I am Christian but am still deciding if I want to be Catholic or not). I am 20, he is 18, and we have been together for two and a half years. WTM was our original plan, but unfortunately temptations got the best of us... and we have been having sex for the past year. It was more him who wanted to wait than me, but I respected his decision. Off and on since we started, we have stopped for months at a time and then deciding to do it again because we are in love and are absolutely, 100% planning on getting married. We have the ring all picked out; we're just waiting until he has enough money to buy it.

My boyfriend has recently been trying to work on his faith and his relationship with God. He wants to get a tattoo of a Bible verse but does not want to get it until he feels like he is living for God completely, so he needs to make a few changes, not having sex included. I tried not to be, but I was very hurt when he told me this, seeing as we have been living this way for so long and are planning on getting married in the next year or two. But I am going to do it for him. I told him that if we are going to abstain from sex, we are also going to abstain from everything else. Meaning no other sexual activities, no clothes coming off, and no inappropriate touching.

My question is, do you think this means anything? We already lost our virginity to each other, and the ONLY thing stopping us from getting married is money, so why does it matter anymore? I really want to understand but I just can't. It just hurts me because every time we had sex, I felt like our relationship grew, making us closer and more intimate. It wasn't sex to me, it was making love. And it was to him, too, but he feels guilty for it. That's what kills me.

I actually don't know what my question is here, and I apologize that this was so personal, but I just want to hear your thoughts.

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This is a really hard one. There IS a question here - I think you know what the question is - how do you reset the clock (so to speak) to where you're both in the same place again?

You have a few choices I guess (maybe others will think of other choices too):

(a) Take the time to figure out where YOU are and want to be with your spiritual relationship with your bf. You're both Christians - he may "feel it" more than you do, and he wants to strengthen his affiliation and practices within the Catholic church.

(B) Figure out if you can get married now - not waiting. If it's money, or family, or school, or work, that's in the way. Figure out if those really are in the way and then make a decision about what's right for your relationship and marriage - let the rest fall in place.

© "Wait it out" - in all senses of that phrase. Wait for him. Wait for sex. Wait because you love him and your future marriage. Wait because you've got a lot to figure out. Wait to get married til you get through these two issues... religion and sex can be big-time deal breakers or at least big-time conflict areas if you don't hit them with honesty and respect and candor for one another - even if it means saying I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

I wouldn't presume to offer actual advice or a recommendation - but it does seem like these are the choices you could make... and like I said, maybe others have some other choices to offer as well.

And as for your actual question - "do you think this means anything?" - in marriage, or in engagement, I think everything means something....... it's up to you BOTH to figure out if it means a little... or means a lot.

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ooops that smileyfaceswithsunglasses emoticon was supposed to the (b ) choice ....

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( B) Figure out if you can get married now - not waiting. If it's money, or family, or school, or work, that's in the way. Figure out if those really are in the way and then make a decision about what's right for your relationship and marriage - let the rest fall in place.

It's not only the money. He thinks he can talk to the priest at his church and see if there is anything he can do. His family is all for us getting married right now; my family is the problem. They love my boyfriend to death, and they want us to get engaged, but they don't want us to get married until we are out of school because of practical reasons (mainly health insurance and financial burdens like that). It would be very hard to get my dad's blessing.

And as for your actual question - "do you think this means anything?" - in marriage, or in engagement, I think everything means something....... it's up to you BOTH to figure out if it means a little... or means a lot.

By means anything, I just meant have we already ruined it? Have we already ruined the specialness (I know that's not a word lol) of it, and are we just being hypocrites by deciding to wait after we've already done it?

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By means anything, I just meant have we already ruined it? Have we already ruined the specialness (I know that's not a word lol) of it, and are we just being hypocrites by deciding to wait after we've already done it?

I think that's for you guys to decide. Your relationship certainly sounds like it was a whole lot more than just a build-up to sex.... so... forgive yourselves a choice you made, if that's what you want to do, and hit re-set with each other a bit. I'm not trying to say it doesn't matter... I'm just saying this is not an in-isolation decision... you have had each other's love and support for a long time obviously... use that to best advantage when you think about what you want next. It seems hard to ruin something that's real when you haven't betrayed each other with other people. Hypocrisy is in not seeing when or where you made a bad choice and not owning it... doesn't sound like that's what you guys are proposing, so I don't think you're in danger of being hypocrites.

Have you ever thought of talking about this together with a priest? or with someone like that? Sometimes the sticky situations need a little outside perspective to right themselves... and this might be one where you want a little reassurance about how to preserve the relationship, preserve your standing with each other, and preserve your standing in front of God. A little extra counsel might go a long way.

With support -

ian

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and by all means... know that NONE of us can understand your entire situation and NONE of us can fully be you or your bf... so my words are just outlines... choices & options in front of you. You have to figure out the way to sort the options with each other - that either means a lot of honest talk between you two, or potentially, letting someone like a priest be with you both a little bit on this to reassure you how to get back on the path. all good. all brave steps you have to take. all for good reason.

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You are absolutely correct. Our relationship has never been about sex. We decided to do it when we were already at a point where we knew we would be each other's first and only partner. All I know is what we know about each other's feelings, but I feel like others would judge us. Not that it matters what others think...

Also, I think it would be weird to talk about with a priest, don't you think?

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and by all means... know that NONE of us can understand your entire situation and NONE of us can fully be you or your bf... so my words are just outlines... choices & options in front of you. You have to figure out the way to sort the options with each other - that either means a lot of honest talk between you two, or potentially, letting someone like a priest be with you both a little bit on this to reassure you how to get back on the path. all good. all brave steps you have to take. all for good reason.

Thank you for all your help. One more question: how can I help him feel less guilty and when it finally happens on our wedding night, how can I make it seem more special?

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Priests are not naive or unaware of real choices people make - good, bad, or in-between - in the real world. I think it could feel weird - esp if it's not someone you and/or your bf trust to be a good counselor/advisor/listener... but no, I honestly don't think it would be weird if you don't let it be. (and for the record, I'm Protestant).

as part of getting married in the church, you will go through some form of pre-marriage counseling... it's a bit of learning about how to be a fully-committed, we're-in-it-for-life couple. think of this conversation as just advancing the game a little and it will make it less weird - I hope.

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ooops that smileyfaceswithsunglasses emoticon was supposed to the (b ) choice ....

This happens to me all the time!

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By means anything, I just meant have we already ruined it? Have we already ruined the specialness (I know that's not a word lol) of it, and are we just being hypocrites by deciding to wait after we've already done it?

I am assuming I can give some faith advice since you mention you are a Christian.

You do not have to worry about hitting the reset button. God does that for us when we confess our sins. I do not believe God is out to punish us when we mess up. We are inherently sinners. We inherit our sin nature from our father going back to Adam. God loves us and picks us up and dusts us off and sets us back on the path he wants. We just need to submit to the spirit and not the flesh.

Thank you for all your help. One more question: how can I help him feel less guilty and when it finally happens on our wedding night, how can I make it seem more special?

I was not a waiter before marriage. I was married for 9 years. Divorced and am a waiter now. It will be special Jackie. Can't really explain why but it will. It will be moreso if you two can "Wait it out" as Ian said till your marriage. Now knowing the taste of the fruit it will be more difficult which is why it will be even more special.

You two need to sit down and have a talk. He should not keep see sawing back and forth. Support his conviction to his faith and do not let him falter even if in your flesh you want him to. He will have great respect for you for being strong when he is weak.

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by the way, Jackie - WELCOME.

I haven't seen you on here before - it looks like you just joined - and we should all take a chance to say welcome. This is a very supportive forum and I think you'll find lots of diverse voices all on different parts of a waiting journey. :-)

I'm a successful waiter... i'm a married guy in my forties (with three kids)... and I waited... successfully. With gobs of frustration and uncertainty and commitment and need for reassurance along the way. :-)

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I actually have a close friend who has encountered something kinda like this.

She recently turned 23 and her boyfriend is 26. She has been with her boyfriend, JJ, for about a year and a half now and she tells me that money is what is getting in the way of them getting married- they'd be engaged right now if they could afford it. From how she talks about him and how I've seen him treat her, I know that they are madly in love with one another!

She told me that JJ was who she lost her virginity to, but JJ had slept with quite a few other girls before meeting her. I'm sure that he probably regretted doing it, but I'm not exactly sure about that. After a few pregnancy scares, it was actually JJ who said that he wanted to wait to have sex until after they were married. I was astonished seeing that it was the guy who wanted to hold off on it!

It's going to be hard and really weird having to go backwards after having doing this for so long. I still think that it can be special again! After not having something for awhile, you start to crave it and you enjoy it when you can have it again. Just know that you guys are going to get married and that no matter what, you'll have one another. =]

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Princess Zelda,

I'm glad you told me that. I'm glad to hear there are others in my situation. Yes, that is quite unusual that the guy made that decision, as it is in my case as well!

And thanks for the welcome, Ian. I plan on being part of this forum to get the perspectives of those who are waiting/have waited! I do not regret having sex; I am just glad I got to share it with the person I am going to marry and hope it will be that much more special on our wedding night.

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