RdTripgirl

Getting ghosted

5 posts in this topic

I am 37 yrs old never married and a virgin.  Until recently it had even been over a decade since I had even kissed someone. I had been on lots of 1st dates but never really felt a deep connection.  Until I met this guy about a month ago.  We went on 4 dates the first week with the 3rd date lasting about 12 hours ( going to the zoo, and just a Sunday Drive) 

I thought things were going really well because he didn't even try to hold my hand until the end of the 3rd date and then a little later that night we kissed.  I told him it had been a long time since i had even kissed someone but didn't go into my virgin status.  He seemed very sweet and understanding about the kissing and seemed to be like he would take his time.

We both had a lot of travel planned right after that 1st week and were both out of the country with limited cell service from time to time.  But when we were both going to be back in town ( his flight returned late) he wanted to see me and asked if I would come to his hotel and hang with him and chat, I said I would come hang for an hour but just driving around or at a restaurant not his hotel.  He seemed fine with this, and I thought things were still going great.  We kissed and there was some petting involved and he even went to 2nd base( which I was ok with) and even as soon as he did he asked me mid kiss if I was ok.  

He did seem to act a little funny that I wouldn't go hang at his hotel but didn't say much about it and kinda murmured under his breath that what did I think was going to happen?


Then that night I noticed he was missing from my matches on the dating site we met on, and I didn't hear much from him the next 2 days.  Today (3rd day) we had plans to see a movie if he was free and I messaged him to see if we were still on.  He just replied he had been super busy and didn't answer about the movie.  

Another reason I may be worrying is I leave again in 2 weeks and will be gone almost 3 weeks.  After the amazing 1st week I was hoping i would see him again before I had to leave again.

Am I being crazy to think that he is ghosting me? How long do you all wait before you reveal your status of waiting?  

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Yeah, he's definitely ghosting you. He's not following through with made plans and not even making any effort to reschedule. On the surface it may seem like he is respectful of your boundaries and maybe he really is. But the fact that he started acting weird when you refused to go to his room I think is very telling. He wanted to see how far he could get away with physically. You don't invite someone into your hotel room in private just to have coffee. That's not how these things work. He wanted sex. When he realized he wasn't going to get what he wants, at least not as soon as he would like, he probably lost interest and isn't man enough to tell you straight up. You're honestly better off without him, if not because of the not waiting, then because shown he can't be honest with you.

Personally, I don't see what's wrong with being upfront about waiting from the very beginning. The wrong person will run off immediately, but is that really a loss? Putting the cards on the table immediately will filter out who's not compatible with you and will spare you the emotional investment if you waited to tell him later. We don't need to wait other people's time and our own by investing in a relationship that isn't going to work anyways. The right person will stick around and admire you for it because he has already made the choice to wait himself.

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I also think he was ghosting you too. A sign that he wanted to take the relationship a step further  was asking you to come to his hotel room. Usually, when a guy asks you to come to his hotel room, it usually is not just to hang out but to have sex too. His reaction after you told him  no to his asking you to come to the hotel room tells me he wanted more from the relationship (e.g.”he kinda murmured under his breathe what did I think would happen”. 

In addition, the fact that the relationship between him and you appeared to go up to second base and then him asking you to come to the hotel room made me think he was hoping to go to home base. 

When you didn’t give what he wanted (sex), he decided to ghost you. I feel like he should have told you straight up what he wants or his expectations for the relationship but he apparently doesn’t feel comfortable doing it. 

I would forget about him and move on. You want a guy who will respect your boundaries and your decision to wait and communicate what he wants in the relationship directly to you and not play mind games. 

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Slightly new development.  He started messaging me again telling me dates when he is going to be gone again for work and that maybe we could hang out before he has to leave.  Then he tells me he is giving up physical contact for lent so if we hang out it will just be hanging out. 

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17 hours ago, RdTripgirl said:

We both had a lot of travel planned right after that 1st week and were both out of the country with limited cell service from time to time.  But when we were both going to be back in town ( his flight returned late) he wanted to see me and asked if I would come to his hotel and hang with him and chat, I said I would come hang for an hour but just driving around or at a restaurant not his hotel.  He seemed fine with this, and I thought things were still going great.  We kissed and there was some petting involved and he even went to 2nd base( which I was ok with) and even as soon as he did he asked me mid kiss if I was ok.  

[. . .]

Am I being crazy to think that he is ghosting me? How long do you all wait before you reveal your status of waiting?  

Fooling around too early sometimes puts sexual energy at the forefront of a man's mind and not you as a woman worth waiting for.  Waiting until marriage is far more than just preserving virginity, you see.  It holds both people accountable and is a statement that people have intrinsic worth that surpasses sex.  In this world, men need to hear that and so do women - in different ways.  This is why "holding out" longer may be a good idea. 

Personally, I like to state my stance on WTM at the very beginning - day 1.  Most guys are not waiting - so it saves us both time.  I would even recommend putting it as a one-line statement of waiting until marriage in the online dating profile.  You might not get as many messages or you will get messages from guys who didn't read your profile - but all these guys are not the one for you.  Here is a funny way to do it (if you like humor):

"Let's talk about sex, baby!  Ok, now that I have your attention.  I'm waiting until marriage for that."  I could go on with the humor, but I shall digress. 

5 minutes ago, RdTripgirl said:

Slightly new development.  He started messaging me again telling me dates when he is going to be gone again for work and that maybe we could hang out before he has to leave.  Then he tells me he is giving up physical contact for lent so if we hang out it will just be hanging out. 

That's really great.  This is the perfect time to tell him you are WTM while the topic is on the table with Lent!  

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