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Lied to and lost my virginity

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Hi all, this is a long story and so I shall get straight to the point. I, a 23 year old man was dating a 20 year old girl for a year and a half, I was planning to propose 3 months ago. We broke up due to her lies about her past and her toxic traits that sprung out of the relationship.

I'm currently dealing with the emotional aftermath of giving her my virginity  and the emotional fact of betrayal and possible instances of cheating (thats another topic for another day) as I thought she was a virgin (she said she had non-consensual sex in her teens with one guy before) and I told her that she is still pure of heart and that it doesn't count. Later on, I found out that it wasn't a one time thing and there were times it was consensual, she was in fact in contact with the guy the entirety of our relationship (the guy was a relative). So my heart sank and I was hurt that I was lied to.


Yes we have had sex and I regret it immensely, it was one of the reasons why we were moving towards marriage. I felt guilty for having sex and I didn't want to break up with her and leave her "impure" I thought in my mind, for the other guy. I wanted to right my wrongs and marry her. My logical reason behind this was that we both gave each other our virginity and in the OT, when the man has sex before marriage with the woman, He is required to marry her. That with love mixed with guilt and shame, I was preparing to propose until God showed someone I know a vision about the truth and months later my spirit told me she is hiding a lot from her past. So I confronted her about it and she tried to hide that she lied, when I told her the contents of the vision and what I sensed, she spilled the beans.


So when I thought she was a virgin, she wasn't. In the beginning of our relationship ( about 2 months in) the topic of past came up and I told her that I desired to be with someone who is a virgin like me. Same sexual history and all of that. She told me she wasn't and it was a forced encounter (rape) later on, at the time I told her that she was indeed a virgin and that we should  NOT count rape as taking your virginity or making you "impure", well I found out It wasn't really a forced encounter but a consensual sexual one.  In the past, when I believed  her lies  I thought it was rape, and told her that she should report it, she refused and said all is forgiven and defended the rapist by saying God forgives and He has changed. When she came clean and I realized it wasn't what she purposed it to be, everything made sense. I told her I was angry and felt betrayed because I gave her my virginity and trusted everything she told me. I thought that she was one. I was not her first time.


Now I am no freak who has a virgin fetish, I just wanted to stay a virgin and wait till marriage with someone else but I was lied to and I gave in under weakness. There were signs, when we first had sex, she felt no regret but I did. There were times when she even implied that if we stop having sex, her love for me will change (trying to bait me into having sex with her). I'm hurt and also sick that she lied about who the person was (claims it was friend of family but in actuality a relative she had a scandal with, not blood relative though as she is adopted). She later said she at first wanted to do the right thing as well but it was a "heat of the moment" thing when I asked her about it. I feel sick writing this but I say this to condense a year and a half worth of events and pain. She hasn't told me everything and I'm sure there is much more to the story.


Now my questions is, how do I overcome the pain and lies I've witnessed, I think I will have severe trust issues from this experience and most importantly, I still desire to be with a virgin even if I am not one. I know I was lied to, but it was still a choice (even under weakness) is it wrong? If I meet a girl who has been in my shoes and was lied to and wanted to marry her  and has repented than, I will consider the case and everything involved but I think, who am I to call unclean which God has called clean. But, again, is it wrong to still look for a virgin? I am torn.


Please help, I find it hard to sleep at night every since I found out the truth and the reality of what I've done.

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I think before you even begin to start looking for another girlfriend you need to sort yourself out. Just as the passage about the whole armor of God talks about the breastplate of righteousness, righteous living can help protect you from many maladies. I think you need to contemplate where the chain of events started that led you to committing fornication so that you can prevent that from happening again. I don't mean to sound harsh, but truly waiting and applying proper principles would have saved you all of these headaches. 

There is nothing wrong in desiring a virgin per se. However, since you are no longer one (and not the result of being married and then widowed either) you can't hold your own rule against someone else if you've broken it yourself. Now, I'm certainly not recommending that you seek out someone that is promiscuous or is still engaging in fornication. But you really can't look down on someone else who is in a similar position as yourself. If you have truly recommitted yourself and a prospective non-virgin girlfriend has as well then you really can't look down on them.

I think you really need to come to terms with things and sort yourself out before trying to start a new relationship. I'll grant you that this ex-girlfriend sounds like a horribly wicked person. But ultimately you are the one responsible for losing your virginity to her. It doesn't matter if she was a virgin or not or if she lied about being one. You have to take responsibility for your actions. Maybe I'm interpreting your post incorrectly, but it seems like you are assigning her some blame for you losing your virginity because she lied about hers. Would it make it okay for you to lose your virginity to her if she really had been one? Of course not! Whether someone is or is not, you must still wait till marriage. If you had exercised the right principles, you may have even ended the relationship yourself, or at least she may have left you in frustration since you wouldn't have been 'putting out'.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think you really need to examine this experience and really think about what mistakes you made that set you up for such a fall. You lost your virginity, but it still isn't too late to wait. 

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First of all, if your ex-girlfriend's "consensual sex" was with a relative - that suggests sexual abuse which always involves manipulation.  She was not even adult age, and I feel she needs some grace in that (and therapy!)

The big concern I hear is that she is manipulative herself - a reason to run from that relationship.

You are certainly not the only one who has lost their virginity in a relationship before they intended to.  You are human.  Celibacy may be a better goal than virgin purity (more of an idealism anyway). 

People tend to think they are better than others because they retain their virginity and require it of others.  Two virgins marrying is special and all and a great goal, but it is a mistake to think one is "better" "superior" "more pure".  

Good luck. 


On 7/1/2019 at 9:38 AM, Daisetsuu said:

who am I to call unclean which God has called clean

^^ Love that

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