How I almost lost my virginity and why I'm happier than ever to be a virgin *LONG STORYTIME*

[waitingforcarats 263]

Hey hey hey! I haven't been on this forum in years, but just recently I almost lost my virginity and thought I'd come back on here and share my story. For those who don't know, I'm 29 going on 30, and a stone-cold virgin. Never received or gave oral, engaged in anal, or vaginal sex. I've done some kissing and given a few hand jobs here and there, but that's it. I've never been in a serious, long term relationship (past four months), and haven't even had a boyfriend within the last four years. I've been practicing celibacy all my life as a Christian and it's served me well. I've dodged A LOT of bullets.

That all changed when I met a guy on a facebook travel group earlier this year. We messaged back and forth on facebook before he asked for my number, and he started pursuing me. He was well-educated, hard-working, professional, only a few years older than me---seemed like a great catch. We had common interests and he was diligent in pursuing me and "putting in time and work" to get to know me. He said he was a Christian, god-fearing, and was a worship leader at his church. He lived in a different state, one 9 hours away from me. I didn't mind talking to him, and figured maybe we would meet one day. I teach, so I had plans to travel over the summer (like I do every summer), plans I made before meeting him, but he wanted to meet me before I left for the summer. I was leaving just a few days after the school year ended and would need to prepare for my trip, so it was literally impossible. He asked if it would be okay if we kept in touch (we both had imessage) while I was abroad. I said, sure. We kept in touch and texted every few days or so, and he ended up buying a ticket to come to my city to see me. I was kind of surprised, because we were only just getting to know each other and had never really talked on the phone or facetimed. I thought it was really odd that he seemed to be in a rush to meet me. It was really sketchy, and I thought to myself, he could even have a girlfriend and I would never know, because he could be hiding us from each other. Because again, we never talked on the phone or facetimed. (I have other online friends, and we always talk over the phone and facetime, so having a text-only relationship was odd).

Being naiive and not having a lot of experience with men, I told myself  him buying a ticket to come and see me trumped our text-only relationship because he was that serious about me or into me. I didn't care, I told myself, 'we're just hanging out as friends. I'm just meeting him to see if I am interested'. We were friends who flirted. I kind of saw him as a potential partner, but I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Plus, I noticed that he had at least 1,000 facbeook friends, 90% of whom were women. I noticed that sometimes he would repeat things he'd already told me and would lose track of things we would talk about. I didn't hold it against him that I knew he was talking to other women because we weren't dating and we weren't exclusive. So, one night we played a game of 21 questions and he asked me if I believed in no sex before marriage. (We never had the conversation about celibacy. I'm so used to things getting nowhere with guys anyway that I havent even had the opportunity/need to tell a guy I am a celibate virgin within the last four years. I believe he suspected I was celibate because I post a lot about celibacy on my social media). So I told him, "Yeah, I'm not having sex unless I'm married. Maybe I should have told you before you bought your ticket? But I have no apologies. You can get sex anywhere." He seemed disappointed. I didn't hear from him for a few days (longer than usual). The next time he reached out to me, I ended up asking if he was still visiting my hometown. He pretended to be all like, "OFC! Why wouldn't I?" I told him I would help him with his expenses/meals when we went out. I didn't want him to feel like he was being cheated or played. But in the back of my head, I also didn't want to feel obligated or pressured to do anything with him just because he was spending money to come and see me. Because, let's say (hypothetically speaking) I WAS sexually active. Your spending money to come see me and date me doesn't entitle you to my body. I wanted to hang out as friends so there was no pressure. I know how guys can get about money, and I didn't want our weekend to be weird over money and sex. I just wanted to see who he was as a person. Little did I know, that his attitude towards money/sex IS a part of who he is. I shouldn't have offered to pay/split the costs. I almost feel like I should've let things unfold to see how he would have handled hanging out with me when sex was off the table.

Fast forward to when I return from my trip and am back in my hometown. I asked him what he wanted to see/do while he was in my city.  He asked me to buy us a bottle of Jack Daniels so we could drink on the beach together.  I noticed, when I bought it from the liquor store (before his arrival), that it had a 40% alcohol content. (I only drink wine, so I was ALARMED when I noticed the alcohol content. I told myself I wouldn't drink any of it, and I stayed true to my promise to myself). Also, in the time before his arrival this guy was laying the charm on thick. He "casually" asked if I would be spending the night at his airbnb. I told him no. 

So we met for a weekend and I wasn't all that enamored by his personality. I can truly say that if I would have met him "in real time", off the internet, I probably wouldn't have been too interested in him. We had fun at the beach, but even when we were together, I told myself I wasn't interested in dating this guy long-distance. There's a guy in my hometown who I've had a crush on for the last year, who I kept thinking of, and I kept thinking of how the guy didn't measure up to my crush. There's guys in my city pursuing me, I told myself, why would I date a guy who is 9 hours away from me? But I liked that this guy was willing to fly and come see me. 

So he asked me if I wanted to date him. 

I couldn't give him a straight answer. I didn't want to be rude, but I felt like I didn't even know him. He was rushing things. I was only just meeting him. I asked him, logistically, how it would work. He said that we could come and see each other as often as we liked. But he had no intention on moving to my city, he said. He just wanted to date long-distance. That was a HUGE turn off. I thought to myself, what kind of relationship is that? Seeing a guy on the weekends maybe once a month? Not having anyone to actually BE there with me and for me? That seems like half a relationship....a total ripoff. It all seemed too convenient for him, and he was super casual about it. He also told me he had dated someone for 3 1/2 years long-distance in the past. This turned me off even more. 'cuz I'm like, he thinks this is normal and it's not dysfunctional. Ok, so to date long distance for a year, then to move closer together? Fine. But how can you date someone long distance FOR THREE YEARS? It just seemed ridiculous. And I was alarmed that he thought it was normal. If it is for him, that's fine, but I want a full relationship. He had no intentions on moving. I told him I needed to think about it. 

He sent me an emotional text about how he was sorry I didn't feel the same way about him that he felt about me. He made me feel like I was running away from an opportunity to be loved. I genuinely believed him and started to doubt myself. I thought he was interested in me. He also was angry with me because when we went out that night, I saw one of my guy friends (who is gay) and kept trying to divide my time between the two of them. My thinking was, my  gay guy friend lives here in Philly. This guy, lives in another state. I'm not gonna piss off my friend for some guy I barely know. (I bring up him being gay so you guys are clear that he wasn't pissed b/c i was with another straight guy). That night, he tried to kiss me and I turned away, telling him I only kissed guys who are my boyfriend. I fled from his AIRBNB. 

I talked to one of my girl friends about it, and she told me I was wrong for choosing my friend over this guy who seemed to really be into me. So the next morning, I brought breakfast to his AIRBNB and was crying and apologizing for having so many walls and told him I had issues with intimacy. (Reading and writing this now, it's so easy to see through all the deception and games. He was playing a SERIOUS mindgame with me). He tried to sleep with me. We dry humped on his bed, and he tried to penetrate me, but I told him no. I gave him a hand job and got up. I told him I didn't want to have sex. He told me I didn't know what I wanted. His attitude toward me for the rest of the day was completely different. I was turned off by him as well, and my thinking became clearer. That night, we went out again, and he and my sister bumped heads. I took him to the airport and was glad to see him go. After making sure his flight landed safely, I didn't contact him all day. 

I ended up telling him, a day or so later, that I wasn't interested. I didn't like how he tried to bumrush me into sex and had tested the waters to see if I would give it up. Also, I had a nagging feeling that I was not the only woman he was "dating". I believe he had "jump off"s , or different women he was dating all over. When I had asked him if he had different women in different cities he was meeting, he didn't answer the question outright. Instead, he asked, "Do you think I have time for that?" Well, he never answered the question. Of course you do. You had time to meet me, right? 

When I told him I wasn't interested, he rudely told me that he wasn't into me either. I realized then that I truly never meant anything to him. I was just an experiment. He just wanted me to be one of his girls. (I live in Philly). I'm 99% sure this is what he does for fun, date women from all over, and none of the women know about each other. For some reason, when he saw me, he thought it would work on me, that I would be one of his catches. I believe he uses his status as an unmarried, professional, well paid man to attract lonely or desperate women from the internet. He's not interested in comitment or marriage. He just wants to have fun with women from all over, travel and date women all over. And the only way most women in their late 20s and 30s will travel-date someone is if they believe he is their boyfriend or that it's going to lead to something. It makes perfect sense. He's a mastermind for this. Thankfully, God and my pastor (who I talked to about it) helped me see his plan clearly. 

The moral of the story is to take your time. Don't rush into anything. He could've had an STD. He could have kids, a wife, be a serial killer, or whatever. I have more to say about this but this is long enough, so I'm going to stop here. 

Don't draw too many conclusions about me or judge me, instead, read my story and analyze where you fall in....are you also naive about the opposite sex? Do you jump to conclusions or move too quickly? Take your time, take your time, take your time with these guys, because espescially being virgins and celibate, I believe we are super vulnerable. Hating men or hating men who are womanizers is not an effective, long-term solution. Learning to vet members of the opposite sex, learning to hold out, is CRUCIAL. I don't feel like not dating or shunning men is really the answer. Dating wisely, smartly....with your head, and not your vagina, not with a need or desire to get laid, is important. At some point over his weekend long visit, I doubted myself. (After talking to my friend, I guess, who told me I always push men away....with reason, though. My intuition about guys has NEVER been wrong). But you should take your time. From now on, I don't even want to KISS a member of the opposite sex until I'm 100% sure how I feel about them. I ended up kissing this guy, because I was under pressure, and I felt bad for making him angry, and just him flying out of town to come see me made me feel like he thought I was special. THAT ALONE WAS THE TRAP. Him flying out to come see me didn't mean anything...it was all a part of the chase, the thrill. I ended up finding out that the airline he used sells cheap (less than $50 RT) fares to my city. 

One huge mistake I made is I never told this guy I was a virgin. I didn't have an opportunity because he rushed, but I should have created the opportunity. He knew I was celibate but he didn't know I was a virgin. With guys I've entertained in the past, when we talk about our sexual history, I will tell them I'm a virgin. I never had the opportunity to tell him because we never had the conversation about our sexual history. We had pretty superficial conversations. We barely talked on the phone. And when we met, we were just having a good time. I didn't want to feel like I was interviewing him or moving too fast. He was pretty casual about everything, BUT he just went straight for the jugular in terms of trying to have sex with me. (So he was carefree about everything else....except sex).

I'm going to be more vocal about my stance for God and for celibacy. I'm getting older, so the older I get, the more rare it is to be a celibate virgin. I think to a degree I was probably ashamed and didn't want him to think I was weird. But usually things don't work out anyway, for NON SEX RELATED REASONS, and I don't even have the need to tell the guy. 

Sorry for ending so abruptly, but I just wanted to share my story and encourage you guys that the grass is not always greener on the other side. There's some predators out there. They will pretend they're into you, but all they want is a good time. 

Hugs, Deb

[Viva 4]

You sound far more mature than me from the past. I had countless opportunities, but at the last minute, I always said "No". You did the right thing. He would have left even if you were nonvirgin. The only difference is that he would have done that after receiving what he aimed for. However, we really need to understand that waiting is beneficial to the society. It is a practical choice.  

[SG1 170]

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Hey hey hey! I haven't been on this forum in years, but just recently I almost lost my virginity and thought I'd come back on here and share my story. For those who don't know, I'm 29 going on 30, and a stone-cold virgin. Never received or gave oral, engaged in anal, or vaginal sex. I've done some kissing and given a few hand jobs here and there, but that's it. I've never been in a serious, long term relationship (past four months), and haven't even had a boyfriend within the last four years. I've been practicing celibacy all my life as a Christian and it's served me well. I've dodged A LOT of bullets.

It sounds like you almost GAVE away a part your virginity….not lost it. Now I’m NOT one of those guys who cares about a women’s virginity. Sure it’s a bonus if she has it but nothing more. I care about the women, her current values, who she is today, not some abstract concept like virginity. Anyway, I don’t know if you can accurately call yourself a stone cold virgin.

(Not that this matters but hand jobs were one of my favorite sexual acts to receive from my ex gf.) They are a very real sexual act performed by another person. If I paid an undercover cop for a hand job…guess what? I’m going to jail. Why? Because I’m paying for sex. If I got caught paying a prostitute for a hand job, guess what? I'm getting booked because I was paying to a sexual service.

In a nutshell, I would think a stone cold virgin is someone who has not touched another person’s genitals, with the intent of causing sexual stimulation or consensually allowing another person to touch their genitals for the purpose of sexual stimulation.

So I really struggled to follow your story and to make sense of this whole thing...Well here is my best guess at trying to figure this all out...

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Being naiive and not having a lot of experience with men, I told myself  him buying a ticket to come and see me trumped our text-only relationship because he was that serious about me or into me. I didn't care, I told myself, 'we're just hanging out as friends. I'm just meeting him to see if I am interested'. We were friends who flirted. I kind of saw him as a potential partner, but I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Plus, I noticed that he had at least 1,000 facbeook friends, 90% of whom were women. I noticed that sometimes he would repeat things he'd already told me and would lose track of things we would talk about. I didn't hold it against him that I knew he was talking to other women because we weren't dating and we weren't exclusive.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

My intuition about guys has NEVER been wrong).

You knew exactly what was going on from the beginning and YOU chose to let this happen.

1)      This has nothing to do with being naive or having a lot of experience with men. It is about exercising sound and logical judgment that will reflect your values.

For example, if a woman wants a certain man to pursue her, I believe it is crucial (for a long list of reasons) for her to flirt with that man. However, since you don’t believe in premarital sex, you never should have been flirting that guy. You should only flirt with men you want to marry. Why? Because if you’re flirting with men who have premarital sex, they are going to think you want sex. But being an adult, you already know this…if you were in 7th grade, then that would be understandable if you did not.

2)      DOES HIM BUYING A PLANE TICKET TO COME SEE YOU TRUMP THE FACT HE COULD HAVE A WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND?

-          Why would you take the chance of hurting her like that? It’s extremely selfish to take that risk.

-          Would you want your hypothetical husband flying out of state to spend alone time with a younger woman he met online? If not, then why is it ok for you to do this?

-          Would you be ok with a younger woman getting into bed with your hypothetical husband, dry hump with him and then having her pull out his penis to give him a hand job? If not, then why did you do that?

Did you tell him you are just hanging out as friends?

Do you dry hump and jerk off your other male friends?....If so, I bet you must have a ton of guy friends.....or guys dying to be your friend.

3)      If your intuition is “NEVER” wrong, then why did you ignore it? You knew he wanted sex from you and your core values were not matching.

So why did you allow all this to happen? Here is my guess from reading your story…

A.    Like many women you fear/dislike being alone and/or growing old alone. You were approaching a big milestone in your life…turning 30…Most of our values are abstract concepts we can work on if we want to improve them. i.e our financial value, emotional value, spiritual value et cetera.

However, there are elements to our sexual value that decline with age/time. The older women get, their bodies and fertility decrease in desirability. This can cause many single women to freak out. The less sexually desirable they are, the harder it will be to find a suitable partner/having a family.  So a man showing you intense sexual interest could have been very flattering and reassuring that you’re still sexually desirable.

B.     It looks like you are lonely, desperate and pining for male attention…. If he has 1K female friends on FB, then he too could be equally desperate for female attention….No wonder you two attracted each other.  

C.     Usually both men and women to have two main sexual drives.

1) A strong yearning to make love and emotionally bond to a potential sole mate.

2) A strong desire to engage in the physical pleasures of sex.

Here is how I think this applies to you…Like many celibate people, you don’t have a way to truly satisfy these mental and physical sexual urges. The longer these sexual urges go unsatisfied, they can continue to intensify. With the constant, unrelenting, biological drive for sex distracting you, I believe you became susceptible to horrendously poor decision making, which explains your entire story.

As a result, you flirted with satisfying both your mental and physical needs.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

We had common interests and he was diligent in pursuing me and "putting in time and work" to get to know me.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I'm not gonna piss off my friend for some guy I barely know.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I didn't want to be rude, but I felt like I didn't even know him. He was rushing things.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

We had pretty superficial conversations. We barely talked on the phone.

Im confused… Statements 2,3 and 4 seem to contradict your first statement about him being diligent in pursuing and getting to know you.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

We kept in touch and texted every few days or so, and he ended up buying a ticket to come to my city to see me. I was kind of surprised, because we were only just getting to know each other and had never really talked on the phone or facetimed. I thought it was really odd that he seemed to be in a rush to meet me.

You know damn well when a guy hardly knows a girl and is this pushy in his pursuit, he primarily wants sex….Considering he already had over a thousand female friends on FB, you have no logical reason to assume he wants 1001.

If you’re a school teacher, you have to be pretty smart to pass all the rigorous testing they put you through. You also have to possess basic social/interpersonal skills to successfully deal with the truck loads of crazy ass parents, who think their children are perfect….So I’m not buying any of what you’re saying.   

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

It was really sketchy, and I thought to myself, he could even have a girlfriend and I would never know, because he could be hiding us from each other.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I didn't want to be rude, but I felt like I didn't even know him.

Why would you want to be friends with a guy you believed to be sketchy?

What made you think it was a good idea to meet a man on the internet that you felt like you didn’t even know him? Shouldn’t you have gotten to know him much better before meeting him?

The fact you admit his actions are sketchy means you probably realize his motive for impulsively buying tickets is most likely driven by sex…. I don’t see how it makes logical sense for you to continue to let this progress, given your values on sex (to be fare…I dont know if he’s sketchy, he could just have a different set of values.)

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

But in the back of my head, I also didn't want to feel obligated or pressured to do anything with him just because he was spending money to come and see me. Because, let's say (hypothetically speaking) I WAS sexually active. Your spending money to come see me and date me doesn't entitle you to my body.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I wanted to hang out as friends so there was no pressure.

Why would you want to be friends with a man who you are concerned might pressure you for sex because he was spending money on you? How is this exercising sound and logical decisions that accurately reflect what you stand for? I am not buying any of this story…

Did you tell him you wanted to hang out as friends because you were worried he might pressure you into having sex...and why you thought this might happen?

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Also, in the time before his arrival this guy was laying the charm on thick. He "casually" asked if I would be spending the night at his airbnb. I told him no.

Why did you still continue to meet up with this guy after he was asking you these kinds of questions?...and considering you felt like you did not even know him? Furthermore, his values seem to be in stark contrast to what you say you believe in. This is all on you.

He made his intentions crystal effing clear. You knew for sure at this point he is sexually interested in you. He’s not looking to have a slumber party filled with pillow fights, watching the Note Book and eating Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream. Again you’re a 30 year old adult….12 year old girls knows this stuff.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

So we met for a weekend and I wasn't all that enamored by his personality. I can truly say that if I would have met him "in real time", off the internet, I probably wouldn't have been too interested in him. We had fun at the beach, but even when we were together, I told myself I wasn't interested in dating this guy long-distance.

Did you communicate this internal monologue to him after the beach? You have to tell a man this immediately so you are not leading him on…otherwise, you are using him for some kind of personal benefit.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

There's a guy in my hometown who I've had a crush on for the last year, who I kept thinking of, and I kept thinking of how the guy didn't measure up to my crush. There's guys in my city pursuing me, I told myself, why would I date a guy who is 9 hours away from me? But I liked that this guy was willing to fly and come see me.

Wow……are you serious? How is this not extremely selfish, desperate and immature of you?

It appears you are totally fine stringing this guy along, wasting his time and money all because he is showing you attention. The saddest part of this is the fact you’re not even into him…. Honestly, this looks really pathetic on your part. You’re also sending this random guy extremely mixed messages and have no doubt confused the hell out of him.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

So he asked me if I wanted to date him. 

I couldn't give him a straight answer. I didn't want to be rude, but I felt like I didn't even know him.

What?????!!! What about that inner monologue you had? That was a crystal clear answer!

Wasting his time/money is being rude. Not telling him the truth about what you were thinking is even worse…stringing a man along who does not measure up to the other men you’re comparing him to is one of the worst things you can do to a man. It’s extremely cruel and nasty.  

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I was only just meeting him. I asked him, logistically, how it would work.

Why in the hell would you continue to lead him on and ask these questions? You’re showing him you’re directly interested/curious, when you knew you had no intentions of having a relationship with him.  

You’re sending really mixed messages and looking totally desperate, lonely and extremely needy. I don’t see how you can ever have a successful relationship with a man, if you’re behaving this way…and not communicating your true thoughts.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

He said that we could come and see each other as often as we liked. But he had no intention on moving to my city, he said. He just wanted to date long-distance. That was a HUGE turn off.

Why is this a turn off when he has a successful career in his own city? Is your expectation that he drops everything for you? Practically everything in your story seems to revolve around your satisfaction and what you want.

Why can’t you move to the city he lives in?

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

And I was alarmed that he thought it was normal. If it is for him, that's fine, but I want a full relationship. He had no intentions on moving. I told him I needed to think about it.

What?!?!?! Are you serious????? Either I have miss read so much of your message or you’re making NO logical sense…at all…what so ever.  

Given everything I have already pointed out, what is there for you to think about? How are you exercising logical/sound judgment that reflect your values, by considering this guy?

Honestly, so fare the only alarming thing in this story is you. You’re a teacher who apparently lacks fundamental skills in logical decision making (which I hope is due to your sex drive clouding your mind and not a direct reflection of your overall cognitive abilities), you are leading on a “sketchy” guy you met on the internet because he gives you attention, you seem to not communicate what you are thinking and you say you want one thing but act as if you want the opposite.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

So the next morning, I brought breakfast to his AIRBNB and was crying and apologizing for having so many walls and told him I had issues with intimacy. (Reading and writing this now, it's so easy to see through all the deception and games. He was playing a SERIOUS mindgame with me). He tried to sleep with me. We dry humped on his bed, and he tried to penetrate me, but I told him no. I gave him a hand job and got up. I told him I didn't want to have sex. He told me I didn't know what I wanted. His attitude toward me for the rest of the day was completely different. I was turned off by him as well, and my thinking became clearer. That night, we went out again, and he and my sister bumped heads. I took him to the airport and was glad to see him go. After making sure his flight landed safely, I didn't contact him all day. 

What the F&!@ did I just read?

1.      You’re a 30 year old teacher who just dry humped and jerked off a man you’re not even interested in…but then say you don’t want sex?????......just let that sink in for a bit…..smh….wow. You could not send more mixed and contradictory messages if you tried.

Also, you admitted to feeling like you did not even know this man…then why would you get in his bed and fool around with him?

You seem like a real danger to society…like the type of women who will consensually fool around with a man and then when she regrets it, make false or misleading accusations …which can very easily destroy the rest of a man’s life. PLEASE DO MEN A FAVOR AND DON’T DATE THEM UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. 

2.      Even worse, you’re still not sure if he has a wife!? And yet you did all this?!?!

3.      How the eff did you end up in his bed and in a position for dry humping? Did he just magically snap his fingers and presto you’re in his bed, lying next to him?

No, here is what I think happened. You’re horny and yearn to emotionally and physically bond with a man. You were getting emotionally satisfied to some degree with the attention he was giving you…i.e him flying into town to visit you, his obvious sexual advances/suggestions….but that was not enough…

You still have your physical needs that were being neglected. So you chose to go back to him knowing full well what you were getting yourself into. You made the decision to get in his bed. But physical acts are not abstract and seem more real. You regretted your decision to dry hump each other and then jerking him off. Since he was not your boyfriend or husband, you probably felt guilty for getting sexual pleasure from the dry humping. 

So now you’re trying to villainize him, hoping people will see you as the victim.

I also think you were sexually satisfied in an emotional capacity, while you were giving him a hand job. When a person can sexually satisfy someone, it makes them feel good because it can be a huge ego boost…So when you had his penis in your hand and you saw his face and body language communicating he was loving it….I bet that boosted your ego and was satisfying for you. This is just pathetic if it is actually true.

4.      How can you say….

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

If it is for him, that's fine, but I want a full relationship.

Yet you can dry hump, jerk off a random guy you barely know and then not talk to him?

5.      If for some reason you did not receive any sexual pleasure, I hope you realize how similar your actions are to prostitution. You met up with a random man online, whom you hardly knew, you were not even into him, worst of all he could have been married and then you finished the night by engaging him with non-penetrative sex….but instead of getting cash, you got attention....I feel sorry for you.

6.      His deception????…he communicated to you what he wanted…You did not communicate your thoughts about not wanting to date him because he does not measure up to other men you’re interested in, he lives too far away, you were not enamored by his personality and et cetera. You had sexual contact with him yet said you did not want sex….You’re the one who appears to be playing the mind games here.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I ended up telling him, a day or so later, that I wasn't interested. I didn't like how he tried to bumrush me into sex and had tested the waters to see if I would give it up.

You were the one testing your own waters. You knew exactly what he wanted and yet you were the one who made the decisions to let it get as far as it did and to keep going back to him.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

When I told him I wasn't interested, he rudely told me that he wasn't into me either. I realized then that I truly never meant anything to him. I was just an experiment.

What?!?!?! Do you really think you’re a victim in this? He never meant anything to you either….

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

So we met for a weekend and I wasn't all that enamored by his personality. I can truly say that if I would have met him "in real time", off the internet, I probably wouldn't have been too interested in him. We had fun at the beach, but even when we were together, I told myself I wasn't interested in dating this guy long-distance. There's a guy in my hometown who I've had a crush on for the last year, who I kept thinking of, and I kept thinking of how the guy didn't measure up to my crush. There's guys in my city pursuing me, I told myself, why would I date a guy who is 9 hours away from me? But I liked that this guy was willing to fly and come see me.

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On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I believe he uses his status as an unmarried, professional, well paid man to attract lonely or desperate women from the internet.

Looks like it worked rather well on you. You could not have said it any better. You have to be desperate for male attention when you do the following things with a man you’re not even into:

A)    You continue to spend time with him, even though he might have a wife/gf

B ) According to you displays sketchy behavior and you still continue to give him your time  

C)    You continue to meet up with him despite thinking he could try to pressure you into sex because he is spending money on you

D)    Despite have vastly different core values, you crawl into his bed, dry hump and jerk him off anyways.

Yeah id definitely say it worked on you…but I also believe you wanted it to work. I think you needed some sort of a release for you sexual frustration and when you pick a guy you can easily villainize, it makes it all that much easier to end it. You can also justify it to everyone else.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Thankfully, God and my pastor (who I talked to about it) helped me see his plan clearly. 

The moral of the story is to take your time. Don't rush into anything. He could've had an STD. He could have kids, a wife, be a serial killer, or whatever.

So you think God’s plan was having you dry hump and jerk off a guy you don’t like, want a relationship with and worst of all, could have been another women’s husband? You’re kidding right? It looks like you’re trying to rationalize your horrendously poor decision making skills, selfishness, lustful desires, sexual frustration and a complete laps in logical reasoning.

I totally disagree…could it have been His plan? Possibly but I doubt it. Like I said earlier, I think this all boils down to you being really horny, not having an outlet and then making a long list of terrible decisions that do not reflect your values. Nothing more.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Don't draw too many conclusions about me or judge me, instead, read my story and analyze where you fall in....are you also naive about the opposite sex? Do you jump to conclusions or move too quickly?

Judging is simply forming an opinion, thoughts and/or conclusions based on facts and information…so naturally when you post information, everyone reading will be judging you.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I ended up kissing this guy, because I was under pressure, and I felt bad for making him angry, and just him flying out of town to come see me made me feel like he thought I was special.

OMG this is complete nonsense and I don’t think you’re being honest….These are not statements from a woman who feels special:

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

I didn't like how he tried to bumrush me into sex and had tested the waters to see if I would give it up. Also, I had a nagging feeling that I was not the only woman he was "dating". I believe he had "jump off"s , or different women he was dating all over.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

It was really sketchy, and I thought to myself, he could even have a girlfriend and I would never know, because he could be hiding us from each other. Because again, we never talked on the phone or facetimed. (I have other online friends, and we always talk over the phone and facetime, so having a text-only relationship was odd)

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

Plus, I noticed that he had at least 1,000 facbeook friends, 90% of whom were women. I noticed that sometimes he would repeat things he'd already told me and would lose track of things we would talk about. I didn't hold it against him that I knew he was talking to other women because we weren't dating and we weren't exclusive

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On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

There's some predators out there. They will pretend they're into you, but all they want is a good time.

You do realize you’re describing yourself….right? You’re the predator because you hid your true thoughts, ideas and intentions from him. You purposely did this because if you were honest with him, you would not get what you wanted, which is a "successful well-paid man" giving you lots of attention, kissing, dry humping and then giving a hand job when things started getting to far for you.

He meant nothing to you and you had no intention of having a relationship with him. Looks like you chose to do it with someone that would be very easy and convenient to end things once you got what you wanted. He's out of state and you can easily make him look like a bad guy to your friends, family and pastor. Makes perfect sense....Now you can be the victim to everyone you share this experience with and continue to get more attention.

He is not a predator because he communicated his honest intentions clear as day.

On 9/24/2018 at 7:04 PM, waitingforcarats said:

He said that we could come and see each other as often as we liked. But he had no intention on moving to my city, he said. He just wanted to date long-distance.

[Daisetsuu 11]

On 10/10/2018 at 7:50 PM, SG1 said:

It sounds like you almost GAVE away a part your virginity….not lost it. Now I’m NOT one of those guys who cares about a women’s virginity. Sure it’s a bonus if she has it but nothing more. I care about the women, her current values, who she is today, not some abstract concept like virginity. Anyway, I don’t know if you can accurately call yourself a stone cold virgin.

(Not that this matters but hand jobs were one of my favorite sexual acts to receive from my ex gf.) They are a very real sexual act performed by another person. If I paid an undercover cop for a hand job…guess what? I’m going to jail. Why? Because I’m paying for sex. If I got caught paying a prostitute for a hand job, guess what? I'm getting booked because I was paying to a sexual service.

In a nutshell, I would think a stone cold virgin is someone who has not touched another person’s genitals, with the intent of causing sexual stimulation or consensually allowing another person to touch their genitals for the purpose of sexual stimulation.

So I really struggled to follow your story and to make sense of this whole thing...Well here is my best guess at trying to figure this all out...

You knew exactly what was going on from the beginning and YOU chose to let this happen.

1)      This has nothing to do with being naive or having a lot of experience with men. It is about exercising sound and logical judgment that will reflect your values.

For example, if a woman wants a certain man to pursue her, I believe it is crucial (for a long list of reasons) for her to flirt with that man. However, since you don’t believe in premarital sex, you never should have been flirting that guy. You should only flirt with men you want to marry. Why? Because if you’re flirting with men who have premarital sex, they are going to think you want sex. But being an adult, you already know this…if you were in 7th grade, then that would be understandable if you did not.

2)      DOES HIM BUYING A PLANE TICKET TO COME SEE YOU TRUMP THE FACT HE COULD HAVE A WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND?

-          Why would you take the chance of hurting her like that? It’s extremely selfish to take that risk.

-          Would you want your hypothetical husband flying out of state to spend alone time with a younger woman he met online? If not, then why is it ok for you to do this?

-          Would you be ok with a younger woman getting into bed with your hypothetical husband, dry hump with him and then having her pull out his penis to give him a hand job? If not, then why did you do that?

Did you tell him you are just hanging out as friends?

Do you dry hump and jerk off your other male friends?....If so, I bet you must have a ton of guy friends.....or guys dying to be your friend.

3)      If your intuition is “NEVER” wrong, then why did you ignore it? You knew he wanted sex from you and your core values were not matching.

So why did you allow all this to happen? Here is my guess from reading your story…

A.    Like many women you fear/dislike being alone and/or growing old alone. You were approaching a big milestone in your life…turning 30…Most of our values are abstract concepts we can work on if we want to improve them. i.e our financial value, emotional value, spiritual value et cetera.

However, there are elements to our sexual value that decline with age/time. The older women get, their bodies and fertility decrease in desirability. This can cause many single women to freak out. The less sexually desirable they are, the harder it will be to find a suitable partner/having a family.  So a man showing you intense sexual interest could have been very flattering and reassuring that you’re still sexually desirable.

B.     It looks like you are lonely, desperate and pining for male attention…. If he has 1K female friends on FB, then he too could be equally desperate for female attention….No wonder you two attracted each other.  

C.     Usually both men and women to have two main sexual drives.

1) A strong yearning to make love and emotionally bond to a potential sole mate.

2) A strong desire to engage in the physical pleasures of sex.

Here is how I think this applies to you…Like many celibate people, you don’t have a way to truly satisfy these mental and physical sexual urges. The longer these sexual urges go unsatisfied, they can continue to intensify. With the constant, unrelenting, biological drive for sex distracting you, I believe you became susceptible to horrendously poor decision making, which explains your entire story.

As a result, you flirted with satisfying both your mental and physical needs.

Im confused… Statements 2,3 and 4 seem to contradict your first statement about him being diligent in pursuing and getting to know you.

You know damn well when a guy hardly knows a girl and is this pushy in his pursuit, he primarily wants sex….Considering he already had over a thousand female friends on FB, you have no logical reason to assume he wants 1001.

If you’re a school teacher, you have to be pretty smart to pass all the rigorous testing they put you through. You also have to possess basic social/interpersonal skills to successfully deal with the truck loads of crazy ass parents, who think their children are perfect….So I’m not buying any of what you’re saying.   

Why would you want to be friends with a guy you believed to be sketchy?

What made you think it was a good idea to meet a man on the internet that you felt like you didn’t even know him? Shouldn’t you have gotten to know him much better before meeting him?

The fact you admit his actions are sketchy means you probably realize his motive for impulsively buying tickets is most likely driven by sex…. I don’t see how it makes logical sense for you to continue to let this progress, given your values on sex (to be fare…I dont know if he’s sketchy, he could just have a different set of values.)

Why would you want to be friends with a man who you are concerned might pressure you for sex because he was spending money on you? How is this exercising sound and logical decisions that accurately reflect what you stand for? I am not buying any of this story…

Did you tell him you wanted to hang out as friends because you were worried he might pressure you into having sex...and why you thought this might happen?

Why did you still continue to meet up with this guy after he was asking you these kinds of questions?...and considering you felt like you did not even know him? Furthermore, his values seem to be in stark contrast to what you say you believe in. This is all on you.

He made his intentions crystal effing clear. You knew for sure at this point he is sexually interested in you. He’s not looking to have a slumber party filled with pillow fights, watching the Note Book and eating Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy ice cream. Again you’re a 30 year old adult….12 year old girls knows this stuff.

Did you communicate this internal monologue to him after the beach? You have to tell a man this immediately so you are not leading him on…otherwise, you are using him for some kind of personal benefit.

Wow……are you serious? How is this not extremely selfish, desperate and immature of you?

It appears you are totally fine stringing this guy along, wasting his time and money all because he is showing you attention. The saddest part of this is the fact you’re not even into him…. Honestly, this looks really pathetic on your part. You’re also sending this random guy extremely mixed messages and have no doubt confused the hell out of him.

What?????!!! What about that inner monologue you had? That was a crystal clear answer!

Wasting his time/money is being rude. Not telling him the truth about what you were thinking is even worse…stringing a man along who does not measure up to the other men you’re comparing him to is one of the worst things you can do to a man. It’s extremely cruel and nasty.  

Why in the hell would you continue to lead him on and ask these questions? You’re showing him you’re directly interested/curious, when you knew you had no intentions of having a relationship with him.  

You’re sending really mixed messages and looking totally desperate, lonely and extremely needy. I don’t see how you can ever have a successful relationship with a man, if you’re behaving this way…and not communicating your true thoughts.

Why is this a turn off when he has a successful career in his own city? Is your expectation that he drops everything for you? Practically everything in your story seems to revolve around your satisfaction and what you want.

Why can’t you move to the city he lives in?

What?!?!?! Are you serious????? Either I have miss read so much of your message or you’re making NO logical sense…at all…what so ever.  

Given everything I have already pointed out, what is there for you to think about? How are you exercising logical/sound judgment that reflect your values, by considering this guy?

Honestly, so fare the only alarming thing in this story is you. You’re a teacher who apparently lacks fundamental skills in logical decision making (which I hope is due to your sex drive clouding your mind and not a direct reflection of your overall cognitive abilities), you are leading on a “sketchy” guy you met on the internet because he gives you attention, you seem to not communicate what you are thinking and you say you want one thing but act as if you want the opposite.

What the F&!@ did I just read?

1.      You’re a 30 year old teacher who just dry humped and jerked off a man you’re not even interested in…but then say you don’t want sex?????......just let that sink in for a bit…..smh….wow. You could not send more mixed and contradictory messages if you tried.

Also, you admitted to feeling like you did not even know this man…then why would you get in his bed and fool around with him?

You seem like a real danger to society…like the type of women who will consensually fool around with a man and then when she regrets it, make false or misleading accusations …which can very easily destroy the rest of a man’s life. PLEASE DO MEN A FAVOR AND DON’T DATE THEM UNTIL YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. 

2.      Even worse, you’re still not sure if he has a wife!? And yet you did all this?!?!

3.      How the eff did you end up in his bed and in a position for dry humping? Did he just magically snap his fingers and presto you’re in his bed, lying next to him?

No, here is what I think happened. You’re horny and yearn to emotionally and physically bond with a man. You were getting emotionally satisfied to some degree with the attention he was giving you…i.e him flying into town to visit you, his obvious sexual advances/suggestions….but that was not enough…

You still have your physical needs that were being neglected. So you chose to go back to him knowing full well what you were getting yourself into. You made the decision to get in his bed. But physical acts are not abstract and seem more real. You regretted your decision to dry hump each other and then jerking him off. Since he was not your boyfriend or husband, you probably felt guilty for getting sexual pleasure from the dry humping. 

So now you’re trying to villainize him, hoping people will see you as the victim.

I also think you were sexually satisfied in an emotional capacity, while you were giving him a hand job. When a person can sexually satisfy someone, it makes them feel good because it can be a huge ego boost…So when you had his penis in your hand and you saw his face and body language communicating he was loving it….I bet that boosted your ego and was satisfying for you. This is just pathetic if it is actually true.

4.      How can you say….

Yet you can dry hump, jerk off a random guy you barely know and then not talk to him?

5.      If for some reason you did not receive any sexual pleasure, I hope you realize how similar your actions are to prostitution. You met up with a random man online, whom you hardly knew, you were not even into him, worst of all he could have been married and then you finished the night by engaging him with non-penetrative sex….but instead of getting cash, you got attention....I feel sorry for you.

6.      His deception????…he communicated to you what he wanted…You did not communicate your thoughts about not wanting to date him because he does not measure up to other men you’re interested in, he lives too far away, you were not enamored by his personality and et cetera. You had sexual contact with him yet said you did not want sex….You’re the one who appears to be playing the mind games here.

You were the one testing your own waters. You knew exactly what he wanted and yet you were the one who made the decisions to let it get as far as it did and to keep going back to him.

What?!?!?! Do you really think you’re a victim in this? He never meant anything to you either….

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Looks like it worked rather well on you. You could not have said it any better. You have to be desperate for male attention when you do the following things with a man you’re not even into:

A)    You continue to spend time with him, even though he might have a wife/gf

B ) According to you displays sketchy behavior and you still continue to give him your time  

C)    You continue to meet up with him despite thinking he could try to pressure you into sex because he is spending money on you

D)    Despite have vastly different core values, you crawl into his bed, dry hump and jerk him off anyways.

Yeah id definitely say it worked on you…but I also believe you wanted it to work. I think you needed some sort of a release for you sexual frustration and when you pick a guy you can easily villainize, it makes it all that much easier to end it. You can also justify it to everyone else.

So you think God’s plan was having you dry hump and jerk off a guy you don’t like, want a relationship with and worst of all, could have been another women’s husband? You’re kidding right? It looks like you’re trying to rationalize your horrendously poor decision making skills, selfishness, lustful desires, sexual frustration and a complete laps in logical reasoning.

I totally disagree…could it have been His plan? Possibly but I doubt it. Like I said earlier, I think this all boils down to you being really horny, not having an outlet and then making a long list of terrible decisions that do not reflect your values. Nothing more.

Judging is simply forming an opinion, thoughts and/or conclusions based on facts and information…so naturally when you post information, everyone reading will be judging you.

OMG this is complete nonsense and I don’t think you’re being honest….These are not statements from a woman who feels special:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

You do realize you’re describing yourself….right? You’re the predator because you hid your true thoughts, ideas and intentions from him. You purposely did this because if you were honest with him, you would not get what you wanted, which is a "successful well-paid man" giving you lots of attention, kissing, dry humping and then giving a hand job when things started getting to far for you.

He meant nothing to you and you had no intention of having a relationship with him. Looks like you chose to do it with someone that would be very easy and convenient to end things once you got what you wanted. He's out of state and you can easily make him look like a bad guy to your friends, family and pastor. Makes perfect sense....Now you can be the victim to everyone you share this experience with and continue to get more attention.

He is not a predator because he communicated his honest intentions clear as day.

Ouch. Everything was spot on. Good observation skills

[poisson 145]

I am confused about hand jobs and yet no oral sex...would you please explain this?

[meandmyfaith 96]

WOWWWW, what an experience. That is the difficulty for we virgins and celibate. sometimes we are so happy to meet a man who shares the same interests as us, we really want it to work. But you are right, we have to think with our head and not our vagina. Thank God that you did not let him have control over your body.

God bless