Will H

Would you date a doppelgänger of your ex?

5 posts in this topic

Recently, I was going through my matches for online dating and saw that a lovely young lady had reached out to me. But the thing was: she looks almost exactly like an ex who really hurt me in the past.

I found myself in a really weird predicament. On the one hand, I knew this wasn’t the person who hurt me and so pre-judging based on another person’s actions seemed unfair. On the other hand, I was concerned about bringing up painful memories and wasn’t sure that I could guarantee that I would separate her from my feelings about my ex.

What would you do in that situation? Would you date someone who is a doppelgänger of your ex, especially if things ended badly between you two?

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Interesting question. I've never been in a relationship before and therefore never went through a breakup. As such, I have never experienced the pain of a breakup and the negative emotions associated with another person as a result of said breakup.

That being said, I am good friends with a girl who looks quite a bit like a girl I had a huge crush on back in high school. I would say I have some negative feelings about that because she was a girl I was friends with until I told her I liked her. She then proceeded to avoid me and eventually cut me off of my life. Even so, I don't get reminded of those bad experiences whenever I see my doppleganger friend. They are both very different people so that helps. But again, it wasn't a breakup so it's not a fair comparison.

Personally, I would give this girl a chance. I realize I may be coming from a naive perspective since I've never had a breakup, but I say why not? If this is a girl you are attracted to and has great qualities, I think she is worth going on a few dates. Like you said, it's not fair to pre-judge before they had a chance to show you the kind of person she is. A couple dates isn't really going to hurt you, right? I do think it's important to go into it with a healthy level of being on guard. Definitely do not invest yourself emotionally too quickly, but I would say that no matter who the girl is. Also think of it this way. If you end up having a good connection with this girl, it could "redeem" your ex's image in your mind with positive feelings. This new girl could be an amazing, caring girl that could help you heal from the past. Plus, if your ex hurt you pretty badly, then that isn't a high bar for this new girl to meet. So the odds are good, I think.

I hope that helps.

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Like Vince, I have never had a breakup. I actually married the only man that I've ever been in a relationship with. However, I can give you some incite from my experience with my other type of relationships and maybe my experience from guys who have hurt me on a not so deep level since I was never in a relationship with them but they decided to "ghost" me, if you will. (by the way, so thankful that they did in hindsight since I know have an amazing husband worthy of my awesomeness :D) 

I would say give this girl a chance. Just because she physically looks like someone who hurt you, does not mean she acts like her or has the same mannerisms. When you meet her in person, (if you do) she may come off totally different and not even remind you of your ex anymore. Mannerisms can change the way someone looks dramatically. For example, a shy person with their head down, avoiding eye contact, hair in their face, can look very different when he/she is in a space where they can become comfortable and be themselves. 

Also, if this works out, you'll spend more time with this girl than you did with your ex and soon she won't remind you of your ex but if you ever saw your ex again, she would remind you of this wonderful new girl in your life because she will have become way more important to you in your own mind. Good luck and I wish you the best! :)

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2 hours ago, NicoleNova said:

I actually married the only man that I've ever been in a relationship with.

Wait up! Hold a minute! Put a little love in it ... This is the first I've heard of it! Ah! Man am I behind the times! Congratulations!! This is awesome :D Stoked! Another married waiter! This seriously made my night. Yaaaaaaay

*snoops through NicoleNova's profile* Where be the testimony/story? :superwaiter:

 

@Will H I second the above posts. Short of having some kind of PTSD triggering, go for it! And if you have PTSD go for it anyway - it'll probably help you get over it B)

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No I would not.  Too much psychologically against you from the start.

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