Hannah620

I want to wait and he has sexual needs

9 posts in this topic

Hey. I’m looking for advice regarding a guy I’m talking to who has sexual needs and watches pornography, whereas I am not sexual at all and I would want to wait until after marriage. We haven’t been talking for a long period of time at all, but we talk a lot daily. We’re not actually in a relationship, but we both like each other a lot and care for each other a lot. The way things seem to have been going is leading to a relationship, however, we have both made it perfectly clear that I am not sexual and do not intend to have sex until after marriage, but he however has sexual needs and watches pornography to fulfill those needs. He said he doesn’t have a problem with me not being sexual and won’t force anything on me, but he still has to take care of his needs. However, I don’t like him watching porn. It upsets me that he looks at other women and won’t wait for me until I’m ready even if we were in a relationship and he loved me. We are happy talking to each other and everything is going well, besides the fact that he watches porn. We’ve been discussing and arguing about it for the past few days now. He keeps saying I’m trying to change him and he won’t just stop watching. I told him I’d try to move past it, but I don’t know if I can. I like him a lot and I don’t know what to do. If others could help/give me advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. 

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As someone who has struggled with porn in the past, I strongly suggest you leave this guy. Because to a porn addict, neither you or any other woman will ever be enough for him. Porn is an insidious and degenerate behavior that trains the brain to be addicted to the visual stimuli on the screen. The more porn he consumes, the more extreme the content he will seek out down the road because the old stuff won't do it for him anymore. Do not buy into the nonsense that porn is just "what guys do." It's a perversion that makes it extremely difficult if not impossible for consumers to have normal, healthy relationships. You are right to be upset because he is looking at other girls to satisfy his lust rather than pursuing an exclusive, committed relationship with you. It doesn't matter how compatible you two are otherwise. This issue will hurt you even more if you get involved with him.

Look for a guy who is already waiting till marriage on his own and who doesn't look at porn. They are out there. Do not settle for anything less than that.

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He keeps saying I’m trying to change him and he won’t just stop watching. I told him I’d try to move past it, but I don’t know if I can.

So he's not willing to change for you, and he's pressuring you to change for him? That doesn't sound like a very healthy situation.

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but he however has sexual needs and watches pornography to fulfill those needs. He said he doesn’t have a problem with me not being sexual and won’t force anything on me, but he still has to take care of his needs.

Does he watch pornography to fulfill his sexual needs or does he have sexual needs because he watches pornography? As a guy who has struggled with it in the past, I definitely found that pornography created a feedback loop that wound up causing the majority of those desires. Our bodies aren't designed for instant access to sexual stimulation of any type we can dream up.

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However, I don’t like him watching porn. It upsets me that he looks at other women and won’t wait for me until I’m ready even if we were in a relationship and he loved me.

Say that you were to stay in a relationship all the way up to getting married. Do you see this as something you'd ever be okay with?

And do you think he'll stop when you do get married and start having sex? It's unfortunately common for men to continue using pornography into marriage to the point where it starts substituting for sex. Here's what one researcher says:

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For how can a real woman—with pores and her own breasts and even sexual needs of her own (let alone with speech that goes beyond “More, more, you big stud!”)—possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?

Would you be able to you compete with that, even if you were having sex in marriage?

Some men need an ultimatum to come to their senses: me or these women on the screen. But I admit that I don't have a lot of high hopes for this guy. The fact that he's not willing to give it up sounds to me like he's already chosen the screen over you.

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11 hours ago, Hannah620 said:

@Will H he said he watches pornography to fulfill his sexual needs

My question was rhetorical. Having been in that situation myself, I think that while pornography may sate sexual desires, it also creates more. I think that this guy's "needs" are out of whack, and if he had never gotten into pornography, his natural desires for sex would be much less. It's not unlike an alcoholic drinking to "sate his needs". Sure, it works then, but it creates a cycle of continued dependence requiring more.

Also, I find it interesting that he calls it "needs". Are they things he truly needs to live a fulfilling and happy life, or are they something else? Again, an alcoholic doesn't have needs for alcohol, although perhaps it's used to self-medicate some other need.

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You guys have different values (at least in this one area) and radically different sex drives. I'm sure some people can work past that and have healthy relationship but for me those two things would make it a non-starter. Neither of you has to be in the wrong, you may just not be good fits for each other.

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Pornography is poison and in many ways, more addictive than drugs.  It is not fulfilling his sexual needs, it is perpetuating his addiction.  Don't waste your time with this guy.  It will only make you sad in the long run. 

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We talked more on sex in general and we’re just incompatible in that area and he wouldn’t want to be with me based on my lifestyle. 

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I’m glad to hear that you were able to have a frank discussion about sex and your differences in opinion on it. A lot of couples don’t until it’s too late.

And while I do think you’re making the right choice, I’m sorry It isn’t going to work out. I know you said you liked each other a lot, and that’s always painful to leave behind, even if it’s for the right reasons.

I know you’ll be able to find the right guy who respects you and your values.

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