Daisetsuu

How to deal with rape

11 posts in this topic

Edit: More information regarding the events, she wasn’t a child but a young teenager, it happened not too many years ago.

 

 

Hello all! so to make a long story sjort, this girl that I am currently seeing is amazing. Awesome faith, happy, smart, is like an innocent dove. Well into a month of us talking she confided that she was raped when she younger (3-5 years ago, I believe, I haven’t asked the details of the timing but it happened when she was a bit younger, when she was a child) she’s 18 now and basically I’m wondering how to deal with this? 

 

she told me she’s healed and has moved on and forgave and that she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems of us gettingintimate in the future. She can’t recall the event vividly but she is past it and believes that she is made new

 

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but ever since then, the news hurt me. she even said its ok if I decided not to date her beause of how ugly her past was but I decided how can I walk away from someone who didn’t have a say from what happened to her? never!

 

So jow do i deal witj the pain, I still consider her a virgin but virginity must be given willingly and rape, is not consensual  sex and well, she was a child...but I still have tjis feeling like my future wife is violated. How do I align my emotions to my mind? I don’t want to see her any differently, before het I truly wanted a wife who was a virgin with no sexual experience (such as I, but I did struggle with pmo) but I realized my ideals were shortsided and shallow, How can I accept and move past, to convice my heart that she is pure, not violated. 

 

She expressed pain that she isn’t pure in the body but I told her I believe she is! God can restore what was lost but why am I still hurt? why am I making this ahout me? I don’t know what to make of this but I want to move on and love her, I just need assurance and help. 

 

 

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Reading your words, it looks like you see a big disconnect between who she is now and what happened to her in the past, which I think is wonderful.

Clearly there is a lot of emotional hurt over her being "violated". Why does that bother you so much? Are you concerned that she'll not be faithful because of this? Do you fear that she'll not want to be intimate? Is she "damaged goods"?

Also, it may be helpful to talk about it in person with someone you trust. Since your faith seems to be important to you, perhaps a pastor or other spiritual authority. I think that part of your struggle may be that these are confusing emotions. Having someone to talk it out with, and pray about it with you, may help you get through this more easily.

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Ohhh jeez here we go again with another rape post…at least this one is not as bad as some of the other ones.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

she even said its ok if I decided not to date her beause of how ugly her past was

This makes me question if she has really healed from the attack/s. I feel bad that she thinks like this, especially considering she was a victim. You should be reassuring her and telling her there is nothing wrong with her. And how lucky you are to be with her and the reasons why.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

I hope this doesn’t sound selfish, but ever since then, the news hurt me

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

So jow do i deal witj the pain

What do you mean you feel pain and this hurt you? You were not the one who got raped. She was. Can you please elaborate as to the source of your pain?

I hope you mean you feel pain for her because she suffered and went through a horrific event? If so, that is called empathy and that is a good thing to feel.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

I still consider her a virgin but virginity must be given willingly and rape, is not consensual  sex and well, she was a child.

Why are you even bringing up virginity when she was raped as a child????? How would you feel if you got raped as a child and she was mentioning this stuff? The fact you are even bringing up her virginity when she tells you this, is really disturbing. Your only thoughts should be about supporting her, talking with her, listening to her, being strong for her, helping her to find qualified help and et cetera….the last thing on your mind should be about her virginity.

WTF?

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

but I still have tjis feeling like my future wife is violated.

She was violated but how is this your problem? And if you ever get married and your wife gets raped, she will have been violated. That’s why rape is bad, among many other things. Since you apparently can’t seem handle it, spare her the pain of having to deal with a partner like that and move on. Please allow the poor girl to find someone who can accept her without a shadow of a doubt….just the way she is. She sounds amazing and has been through enough grief in her life and she's still so young.

When my ex girlfriend of 3.5 years told me she was repeatedly raped by her older brother when she was a young girl, I never once felt like she was violated…I just wanted to make sure that I was 100% supportive and there for her if she needed anything.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

I don’t want to see her any differently, before het I truly wanted a wife who was a virgin with no sexual experience (such as I, but I did struggle with pmo) but I realized my ideals were shortsided and shallow

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

How can I accept and move past, to convice my heart that she is pure, not violated. 

Again…WTF? Why are you bringing up her virginity? She was raped as a child and that is what you seem to be focused on? Unless I am missing something, this is horrendously selfish and you definitely need to work on yourself way way way before you even think about getting married.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

She expressed pain that she isn’t pure in the body but I told her I believe she is!

It sounds like you totally lied to her....

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

but I still have tjis feeling like my future wife is violated.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

How can I accept and move past, to convice my heart that she is pure, not violated. 

She does not deserve to be lied to…especially, considering everything she has been through.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

I don’t know what to make of this but I want to move on and love her,

If you have to force yourself to be convinced that a rape victim is still pure, then you should by no means even be thinking of marrying, dating or even being friends with the victim. That kind of attitude will only hurt them, not help them. If you can’t love someone because they were raped, NEVER marry them!!!! Why would you put them through that? They have already gone through enough…They definitely don’t deserve marrying someone who lied to them and struggles to love them for something that was no fault of their own.

Again, if you got raped, you would not be happy if your wife or prospective wife had to be convinced to love you, question if you were still worthy of marriage or pure. Seriously…WTF?

I just don’t get how anyone can feel this way? Your comments and questions seem to relate to yourself and not on how you can be the best you can be for her….the victim. I really think you need to work on yourself way before you think about getting married.

This just sounds like you want to marry her only for selfish reasons.

11 hours ago, Daisetsuu said:

I just need assurance and help. 

The best thing you can do is let her go and find a man that can love her without hesitation, cherish her and support her. Assurance is not what you should be looking for.

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Ok let me first clarify everything, I was writing without a clear mind (hence the various typos and change of writing style) which is why my thoughts came off the wrong way.

 

1. By violated, I meant feeling pain that she was taking advantage of when she was younger, not like violated in the sense of someone trespassing on property, which from your reply seems to imply that what you think I’m thinking. 

How would you feel if your loved one told you she was taken advantage of? yes you would feel empathy but also **pain** similar to a pain a father would feel if his child was hurt from someone,

2. I did not lie to her and this is me trying to make sense of my emotions. Maybe I should have better articulated what I felt before writing this post instead of doing it half hazardly. I can’t help what I feel and I am trying to make sense of it and deal with it the best that I can, she told me she has moved on is ok but I told her if anything I will be there for her and suggested counseling if flashbacks or anything from the past springs up. I asked if there was anything I could do.

for the purity thing, I knows she’s pure and I believe it, I’ve had more time to talk to her and process my emotions, if anything I regret suggesting that she was anything but and now having a better understanding of what had happened, I recant that statement and under such reason I do understand your rage so forgive me for being emotionally stupid and immature , but understand that I was hurt by what happened to her and trying to process this (little) information I had.

3. Yes, I know my feelings may come across as selfish, but understand that I don’t think she is lesser goods or anything of the like. If I did, why would I be typing this? why I would try to understand her emotions and what had happened? I wouldn’t made made the decision to stick by her side through thick or thin. I know I need to work on my self and my perceptions and that is why I’m striving to change but how you are making me sound like I think that she’s damaged goods is not correct at all. I’ll repeat again, yes she’s the victim here but not me; however, raped affects the loved ones too and a friend once told me I should process and deal with my emotions first before going over to help someone. She has shown healing for the most part (I agree with the part where you said she still needs healing and I pray and take measures that she doesn’t view herself that way, told her adamantly not to) I have underestimated the impact of the news but the news that such a thing happened to an innocent awesome girl is something I’m trying to process, but I will get through it. That’s why I came here for help to gain a better perspective, I didn’t come here for judgement.

Aside from my foolish purity statement, in regard to everything else you just said, I am just a flawed person you are, so for you to judge me incorrectly so harshly without truly knowing who I am as a person is very superificial and judgemental. The fact that you suggested that I should break up with her is also very extremely selfish and impulsive of you, sir. How can you decide whether one loves someone or not through a computer screen, much less be the deciding factor of whether a relationship should end or not? that makes absolutely no sense! How dare you even suggest such a thing?

There was a similar poster who asked a similar question and I didn’t find that many harsh replies and again I know I should have worded myself better, I aplologize.

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11 hours ago, Will H said:

Reading your words, it looks like you see a big disconnect between who she is now and what happened to her in the past, which I think is wonderful.

Clearly there is a lot of emotional hurt over her being "violated". Why does that bother you so much? Are you concerned that she'll not be faithful because of this? Do you fear that she'll not want to be intimate? Is she "damaged goods"?

Also, it may be helpful to talk about it in person with someone you trust. Since your faith seems to be important to you, perhaps a pastor or other spiritual authority. I think that part of your struggle may be that these are confusing emotions. Having someone to talk it out with, and pray about it with you, may help you get through this more easily.

Yes thank you, I apologize for what I had said in the above. No, I don’t think so. Not justifying what I have said but I’m young and have age working against me, as I don’t have much life experience to drive any wisdom out of. I just didn’t know what to make sense of how I felt, I have talked to someone else and they’ve pinpoint the source of my pain and that is just the reality that such a horrible thing that can happen to someone I actually know and see. But I have Jesus and I know that He has healed her and is continuing to heal her in other areas of her life that may need it.

 

 She has told me she doesn’t think about it nor recall such details of the event and sees herself in a good light after our recent talk so that is good news and prior to she has told me she moved on. I did a lot of research of trauma from past rape and as a man, how to help your loved one should trauma resurface. I will be there for whatever healing she may need, and as time goes on I will understand what love is, no matter what happens; I will stand by her side.

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The man I'm marrying in 9 weeks was raped his first time having sex.

He doesn't recall it very clearly, which I now know is normal for people having been through trauma.  This was before he was Catholic, and he has since confessed, worked through the shame and anger, and it is only ME who has issues with it.  I have had a hard time working through it, but I'm doing much better now.  Basically, it comes down to the fact that I feel superior to those who haven't waited, due to some very unhealthy attitudes in the purity culture I was raised in.  He couldn't' help being raped.  He was not FREE to give himself to her.  The sex they had after that was not free either, because he felt violated and confused and kept doing it. 

So, I still consider him a virgin because he has not given himself to anyone.  He has been coerced, but not free to give.  It will be totally different with me, and it would be totally different with you.  It sucks, but you have to work through your issues and learn to forgive.

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6 hours ago, Lovelyish said:

The man I'm marrying in 9 weeks was raped his first time having sex.

He doesn't recall it very clearly, which I now know is normal for people having been through trauma.  This was before he was Catholic, and he has since confessed, worked through the shame and anger, and it is only ME who has issues with it.  I have had a hard time working through it, but I'm doing much better now.  Basically, it comes down to the fact that I feel superior to those who haven't waited, due to some very unhealthy attitudes in the purity culture I was raised in.  He couldn't' help being raped.  He was not FREE to give himself to her.  The sex they had after that was not free either, because he felt violated and confused and kept doing it. 

So, I still consider him a virgin because he has not given himself to anyone.  He has been coerced, but not free to give.  It will be totally different with me, and it would be totally different with you.  It sucks, but you have to work through your issues and learn to forgive.

Thank you also for understanding and not lobbing insults at me. Maybe it is forgiveness I’m struggling with, in case it is; I will add it to my prayer. 

 

One thing that has me thinking is that me and you are in a special place of sacrifice, meaning, our love will be so much greater than a couple who has not worked through any past tramua or baggage. I believe the strength of one’s love grows when faced with trials and covered in unconditional love and forgiveness. I’m cannot find the exact words to articulate my thoughts but I feel that our prospective partners have so much more to share than our own misguided ideals. 

Your story gave me hope and I thank you for sharing. We have to remind ourselves that we are made new and God can restore whatever was lost and heal what was broken, spiritually, emotionally, physically, anything. Love overcomes all.  I believe it.

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I was not tagged your message on Monday so I am assuming you’re responding to me. 

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

How can you decide whether one loves someone or not through a computer screen, much less be the deciding factor of whether a relationship should end or not? that makes absolutely no sense! How dare you even suggest such a thing?

I can tell by what you said...

On 2/11/2018 at 1:52 PM, Daisetsuu said:

I don’t know what to make of this but I want to move on and love her, I just need assurance and help. 

Wanting to love her is not the same as BEING IN LOVE with her. You should not need help to love the women you want to marry.

I’m not the deciding factor in anything you do. You are your own man and make your own decisions.  I am giving my opinion based on the facts you presented. My opinion is that there are plenty of good men who will not make this about themselves, will be able to love, accept and cherish her just the way she is and definitely won’t need convincing to love her.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I did not lie to her and this is me trying to make sense of my emotions.

You told her you thought she was pure in body yet you asked us how you can convince yourself that she is pure. If that’s not lying, then it’s misleading as hell and most people would consider that just as bad.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I told her if anything I will be there for her and suggested counseling if flashbacks or anything from the past springs up. I asked if there was anything I could do.

Good job on this part.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

for the purity thing, I knows she’s pure and I believe it, I’ve had more time to talk to her and process my emotions, if anything I regret suggesting that she was anything but and now having a better understanding of what had happened

Yeah personally I find this part troubling. So you had to take more time to talk to your girlfriend who had been raped as a young, teenage girl to figure out that she is still pure….wow…..:mellow: And process your emotions? Really? For pete’s sake, you’re not the victim, she is. She is the one who should have to go through a rebuilding and processing phase.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I recant that statement and under such reason I do understand your rage so forgive me for being emotionally stupid and immature

Rage? Lol Seriously? If you’re that sensitive or interpret disagreement/differing viewpoints as rage, you're going to struggle having a healthy marriage.

I have nothing to forgive you for because you did nothing wrong to me.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

Yes, I know my feelings may come across as selfish, but understand that I don’t think she is lesser goods or anything of the like. If I did, why would I be typing this?

Because you said you wanted a virgin and someone like you without any sexual experience. You also know that is extremely rare to find, especially in today’s day and age. So you tried to convince yourself that a rape victim can still be pure like a virgin…but ultimately, it does not seem like you were able to convince yourself of that because you asked us to help convince you and you made these two conflicting statements:

On 2/11/2018 at 1:52 PM, Daisetsuu said:

I still consider her a virgin but virginity must be given willingly and rape, is not consensual  sex and well, she was a child.

On 2/11/2018 at 1:52 PM, Daisetsuu said:

I don’t want to see her any differently, before het I truly wanted a wife who was a virgin with no sexual experience (such as I, but I did struggle with pmo) but I realized my ideals were shortsided and shallow

You should not see her differently because you should said a rape victim is still a virgin…right?

But wait, what do you mean BEFORE you wanted a virgin wife? So you don’t see her as a virgin now, since she was raped?

 

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

why I would try to understand her emotions and what had happened? 

Uhhh you didn’t………..

On 2/11/2018 at 1:52 PM, Daisetsuu said:

why am I making this ahout me?

Your first message was about your thoughts, feelings and emotions and not your girlfriend who told you she had been raped.  You also kept focusing on her virginity, rather than finding ways to be supportive/helpful to her needs.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I’m striving to change but how you are making me sound like I think that she’s damaged goods is not correct at all.

Good and I am not making you sound like anything...you did that all on your own.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I’ll repeat again, yes she’s the victim here but not me

You’ll repeat again…..??? You did not mention it the first place. I was the one who had to mention it because your first post was mainly about yourself and seemed to fixate on her virginity.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

I didn’t come here for judgement.

Judgement is exactly what you came her for. You just wanted to hear the judgments that gave you “assurance and help.”

Judgement means you form an opinion, assessment and/or decision based upon information… you gave us the information in your first post and I gave you my opinion…i.e judgement. That is the entire reason why you made this posting. However, you probably did not like my judgment because it was not what you wanted to hear.

On 2/12/2018 at 8:25 AM, Daisetsuu said:

so for you to judge me incorrectly so harshly without truly knowing who I am as a person is very superificial and judgemental.

Yeah, I judged you and so has everyone else...Think about what you wrote in your first post….your GF was raped and your questions where about yourself and you kept bringing up her virginity.

Your post should have been about helping her if she needs it, how to be supportive of a rape victim, feedback from other members with SO's who are also victims, what kind of licensed mental health professional could she benefit from the most, how to locate such a professional, how to pay for it if she needs assistance, support groups….et cetera.

Lol….I’m the superficial one? I was looking out for the well being of a great sounding, young women I have never met...Meanwhile you were the one who was focusing on her virginity and bodily purity, that is by definition superficial.

 

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14 hours ago, SG1 said:

I was not tagged your message on Monday so I am assuming you’re responding to me. 

I can tell by what you said...

Wanting to love her is not the same as BEING IN LOVE with her. You should not need help to love the women you want to marry.

I’m not the deciding factor in anything you do. You are your own man and make your own decisions.  I am giving my opinion based on the facts you presented. My opinion is that there are plenty of good men who will not make this about themselves, will be able to love, accept and cherish her just the way she is and definitely won’t need convincing to love her.

You told her you thought she was pure in body yet you asked us how you can convince yourself that she is pure. If that’s not lying, then it’s misleading as hell and most people would consider that just as bad.

Good job on this part.

Yeah personally I find this part troubling. So you had to take more time to talk to your girlfriend who had been raped as a young, teenage girl to figure out that she is still pure….wow…..:mellow: And process your emotions? Really? For pete’s sake, you’re not the victim, she is. She is the one who should have to go through a rebuilding and processing phase.

Rage? Lol Seriously? If you’re that sensitive or interpret disagreement/differing viewpoints as rage, you're going to struggle having a healthy marriage.

I have nothing to forgive you for because you did nothing wrong to me.

Because you said you wanted a virgin and someone like you without any sexual experience. You also know that is extremely rare to find, especially in today’s day and age. So you tried to convince yourself that a rape victim can still be pure like a virgin…but ultimately, it does not seem like you were able to convince yourself of that because you asked us to help convince you and you made these two conflicting statements:

You should not see her differently because you should said a rape victim is still a virgin…right?

But wait, what do you mean BEFORE you wanted a virgin wife? So you don’t see her as a virgin now, since she was raped?

 

Uhhh you didn’t………..

Your first message was about your thoughts, feelings and emotions and not your girlfriend who told you she had been raped.  You also kept focusing on her virginity, rather than finding ways to be supportive/helpful to her needs.

Good and I am not making you sound like anything...you did that all on your own.

You’ll repeat again…..??? You did not mention it the first place. I was the one who had to mention it because your first post was mainly about yourself and seemed to fixate on her virginity.

Judgement is exactly what you came her for. You just wanted to hear the judgments that gave you “assurance and help.”

Judgement means you form an opinion, assessment and/or decision based upon information… you gave us the information in your first post and I gave you my opinion…i.e judgement. That is the entire reason why you made this posting. However, you probably did not like my judgment because it was not what you wanted to hear.

Yeah, I judged you and so has everyone else...Think about what you wrote in your first post….your GF was raped and your questions where about yourself and you kept bringing up her virginity.

Your post should have been about helping her if she needs it, how to be supportive of a rape victim, feedback from other members with SO's who are also victims, what kind of licensed mental health professional could she benefit from the most, how to locate such a professional, how to pay for it if she needs assistance, support groups….et cetera.

Lol….I’m the superficial one? I was looking out for the well being of a great sounding, young women I have never met...Meanwhile you were the one who was focusing on her virginity and bodily purity, that is by definition superficial.

 

1. You cannot tell by mere words from a stranger if he/she loves someone. There are details that I've left out about everything that had transpired for a reason. I don't want to all of her and my business out there, for sure. If you want to PM me, we can talk more in detail. I already told you that because I was still trying to make sense of everything, I wrote many things without my better judgement. Tell me, what do you find more credible, an person's account of things while they are worked up or rational and calm, you're the wise one so tell me. You've read my recent posts, you should understand where I am coming from.

 

2. I understand the difference in being in love and wanting to love. suffice to say, we are still early in a stage for true, deep love to envelope which is why I said, I want to move on and let go of this, at the time I will admit, I was confused as to handle this and if you had read my post above, I am pretty young and this is is difficult matter of which I had never experienced before, do you expect every young man who've just left his teenage years to handle such a situation flawlessly, we are young and make mistakes however I am trying to rise above them. After talking to my trusted spiritual advisors and loved ones in my life about myself and how to help her, I realized about my faulty way of seeing things.

The reason why I asked about myself was because I thought she had dealt with it and moved on, and as such there wasn't anything I could do, which is why I came here for advice on how to view this the right way  Would you really berate someone for asking for a better understanding of things or would you berate one who is selfishly adamant about viewing things his or her way? I came for advice, not for reaffirmation of my own views. I even said in the post above that my ideals WERE (PAST TENSE) short sided and shallow. If anything, the first post is not helping to articulate where I stand at the moment because at the time I did not understand how to process this information. You are making it seem like this is a situation where you can wave a hand and say all is well. No, it is difficult for both parties involved much more for the victim, also look up secondary victims of rape.

 

For the virginity aspect, did you not realize the BUT? there is a clause for a reason, I just said that it was a shallow ideal, might I add, even misguided because I did not have enough emotional and intellectual understanding of what these terms truly mean in light of the gospel.  I also said BEFORE and I had those ideals when I was young, a little kid, I grew up in the purity culture and unfortunately I absorbed some misguided aspects about what is virginity and purity. Recently, I've been trying to correct and remove such harmful tendencies to view women and I say harmful because for a second I viewed my friends situation in a unhealthy way. Read what Lovelyish posted, are you going discount how she feels? how I feel? for such a deep hurt as this, both parties are going to be in pain.

I am not putting my emotions above the reality of the situation which is why I repeatably said over and over that I am dealing with them and the goal of all this is to see this in a healthy light (which I am and current am going through)

Going more into details in my first post, I said my heart for a reason. In my mind, I don't believe she is impure or anything of the sort. Again, at the time I was hurt and I was trying to figure out why, I thought maybe because I felt she was impure, or violated, which in my MIND I know that isn't true. I thought maybe that was the source of my pain but now I realize that's not the case for if I truly thought she was (God forbid) I would have said or did something to make the situation worse (worst case scenario) or I would have decided to be just friends with her. Do you truly think, after the wealth of words I've said to you, that she is impure? come on. Look at my actions and not merely my words, words don't always accurately reflect what is going on in a man's heart, much less a man who is unsure of what He is feeling.

Yes I did want a virgin wife, again it was an good ideal I had as a kid but while growing up in purity culture, it screwed up my thinking. Let me tell you the current way of things of where I've stand recently, even before meeting her. I confused virginity with purity and they are not one and the same. What I want is someone who is pure and by pure I mean pure according to God's standards. What does that mean? it means what does their faith look like? how do they view sexuality? Do they want to wait till marriage?  purity resembling the life of Jesus and that includes sexuality. For example, a virgin who continually watches pornography and masturbates unrepentantly is impure by definition, and as such I truly wouldn't call them a virgin by those standards (if we're going by how the world seeing virginity as merely physical then yes but how can that mean they're pure? soit's a faulty way of viewing things). Virginity goes beyond the physical realm, it has to do with the soul, the inner man or women, these are things I've come to learn over the past 2 years and sometimes remnants of faulty purity culture thinking comes inside of me, as evident in the first post. I even admitted I wrote everything half hazardly, I could have even deleted my first post if I wanted to but I didn't. I wanted people to see where I messed up and where I'm trying to make up for that in better understanding.

No, I had to take more time to talk to her to see what exactly happened. I was given very little information. When I said I needed to convince my heart that she was pure, I wasn't thinking nor processing my emotions clearly I was confusing my hurt, the source of my pain.  I didn't understand what to make of the situation. I was compassionate and showed empathy but also sadness, rage and confusion welled up in me over time, I asked myself why and I thought maybe because I think she is impure? Growing up, I was hammered with having picture perfect wedding and history (purity culture upbringing) but again having time to talk to people and process and pray about this, it is not the case. So if you want to keep bringing that misconception up, I will continue to correct you, I gave you context and new information please read what I'm saying carefully.

Yes, I said rage because you have insulted me, someone who has just asking for help. I asked to see things the right way.

You talk about selfishness as if you have never been guilty of being selfish before. I had admitted my reasoning was and decided to do a heart check and relook at my mentality. I would understand your harsh replies if I insisted that my way of thinking is absolute. I repeatedly told you I wasn't of right mind in the first post and I apologize for being selfish, what more do you want? I am just as flawed as you are and I am trying to continually be better person in all areas of my life, not being complacent in any stagnant thinking.

No, you weren't making just a opinion, you were judging my character, which (similar as they may be) are different things. You can form an opinion without mistakenly judging one's character. It seems to me that your replies are only stemming from my first post and not the numerous replies from me and other users. I gave you context and new information and yet you insist that none of what you said was wrong. I know myself and this situation far better than you do, tell me how your perception of things are 100% correct?

Again, yes they are conflicting because I told you I wasn't of right mind which is why I am saying to take my words as is now, because I have new information and a new heart to view things differently, before I was struggling to make sense of what is what.

No I did not, I asked to see things to right way, read the second and third posts as well the the replies to others users, I am probably assuming you haven't considering there is a big gap of understanding between us.

 

Ok look,  I foolishly assumed she was okay based on what I've seen of her and her words, I told her about what we can do concerning professional help. I came here because a friend told me that I should deal with my emotions before going over to help her myself. I brought up her virginity because I was raised growing up being told that it was the best way and the safest way to have a long lasting intimate marriage, I told you before that I recant my statements because I wasn't thinking properly and remnants of faulty thinking of purity culture came up.

Ever since I posted I took aims to talk to people I trust and to view things from a godly perspective. Listen, if you don't see a different in tone and mentality of my recent posts then I don't see the point of arguing, we both agree on the end goal when it comes to this situation right? I took what you said into consideration (well the correct parts) if I were to take your advice blindly, it would cause considerable hurt on both sides. You say I am a man and I should make my own decisions and yet in your previous posts you explicitly told me what I should do, disregarding better judgment.

 

EDIT: I also looked at your post history, it seems you are extremely aggressive towards people who have been in similar positions, asking for more clarity and help. I suggest you gain more of a heart of compassion and understanding rather than criticism and judgement.

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On 2/14/2018 at 10:56 PM, Daisetsuu said:

I confused virginity with purity and they are not one and the same. What I want is someone who is pure and by pure I mean pure according to God's standards. What does that mean? it means what does their faith look like? how do they view sexuality? Do they want to wait till marriage?  purity resembling the life of Jesus and that includes sexuality. For example, a virgin who continually watches pornography and masturbates unrepentantly is impure by definition, and as such I truly wouldn't call them a virgin by those standards (if we're going by how the world seeing virginity as merely physical then yes but how can that mean they're pure? soit's a faulty way of viewing things). Virginity goes beyond the physical realm, it has to do with the soul, the inner man or women,

I completely agree with everything you said here. ^_^ This has always been how I view those terms, as well as what I value and look for in a partner.

It's very refreshing to see someone else find significance in one's mindset, which is often overlooked even by waiters in favor of the physical side. My interpretation of Christ's teachings and of the Bible in this regard are of the importance of the internal environment, the heart of an individual, rather than only external, law abiding legalism. I believe Jesus' teachings make this clear with comparisons such as hate to murder and looking upon a woman with lust as adultery. "Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him." - 1 John 3:15 (NASB) “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." - Matthew 5:27-28 (NASB)

About the thread as a whole, I'm not sure I have anything new to add which anyone hasn't already covered, but perhaps you could try focusing on your own shortcomings pertaining to sexuality, which she has to come to terms with. Realize she has to bear with your own sins. Have you discussed the "PMO" issue with her? Does anything from your past hurt her feelings or make her uncomfortable? None of this is to criticize you whatsoever, but just to see if you can possibly shift your perspective.

I'm not even sure these verses are applicable here (in which case I am very sorry for imposing), and any "speck in her eye" will be nonexistent if she was raped, but I thought maybe they could still be helpful in examining yourself: "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,’ when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother’s eye. " - Luke 6:41-42 (NASB)  
"Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how [a]can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." - Matthew 7:3-5 (NASB)

I believe you are making a sincere effort on her behalf trying to resolve negative feelings about what happened. I think it was considerate of you to deal with them separate from her as well, and to seek outside help so your struggle would be less of a direct burden on her. Truly, I hope it goes well for both of you. :) 

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Ok. I've given this a lot of thought. As a victim, I must admit that your first post left me....confused, let's say, about your views. However I was also concerned with her, and where she seems to think she's at in the healing process. You see, I'm 38. I was 4 when my abuse occurred. I have had plenty of counseling and, although I'm sure some people are able to move on in just a few years time, my experience has been that things come up when we least expect them to. So, knowing, without a shadow of a doubt that your healed is a tricky conclusion. I know that, should I marry, I need a man who's not only caring and compassionate but also extremely patient.

My advice is, if it's the start, as it seems to be...just take your time. Maybe you were just writing that first post in an unclear state of mind, but it does seem to indicate that this subject needs more attention on your part. If you do truly care for this girl, be there for her. If you fall in love with her, remember to take special care and always be open with her. Be her safe place. This kind of thing is not easy on anyone in a victims life, but remembering that we didn't have their experience is important. It hurts to know they've been through such pain, and that's natural.

I would like to also say one thought that isn't really my place, but since I am a victim and am continually on a healing journey I feel I have to say this. Unless she has learned that this has not taken her value as aperson, and believes that she is worthy of a true and kind and loving relationship, and not just damaged goods (as is easy for us to believe as victims) I would put off marriage until she has worked through that and knows she's worth the world to you. I'm having a hard time trying to put this into words, but it's important that she knows, and believes and feels it, BEFOREHAND.

If I can be of any help, please feel free to PM me.

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