Waitress

personal introduction

4 posts in this topic

Hi all,

This is a quick hello and goodbye. I've never been much into internet chats but I'll check in every now and then for replies or to voyearistically read others' conversations #standard. 

So glad I found this site! I'm waiting for marriage but currently experiencing a lot of self doubt about that decision. I'm a 22 year old virgin who has gone about 0.5 steps further than kissing (someone held my chest once over my clothes). I derive my beliefs about sex mostly from who I believe God is and what He intends for intimacy between people, but my beliefs are also bolstered a bit by a more pragmatic approach - I.e. I don't want to get too emotionally invested in a man because we're sleeping together and then get rose tinted vision about who he actually is and whether we'd be compatible etc. Also, I don't like the idea of sharing this most wonderfully intimate and special moment with someone and then leaving them behind me as an ex, never to be known properly again, as is what happens with most exes. 

Anyhow, I have a lot of church friends who are also virgins but I know no one who is waiting for non-religious reasons, and every single one of my high school friends has now experienced a 1 or 2 year long sexual relationship and I'm just feeling so left out and bleak about my decision.

So I'm looking for a bit of encouragement. How does one find joy in waiting? I dont want to "succesfully wait" but just be bitter and resentful about my decision the whole time. Esp. because most of my reasoning has to do with a sense of longing to be obedient to/trust God in His ways. Christianity is about God Himself being one's joy, so I don't want to be resentful toward the God I am trying to honour with my body, and in so doing find no joy in Him. Yes?

I've also realised that I have a much higher sex drive than most of my friends, at least I think I do judging by the extent to which I've struggled with porn much more than them and also the fact that the whole waiting thing bothers me a lot more than it does them. As sucky as this is, maybe I'll have a wonderful sex life one day! But I say that mostly as a shout out to anyone who feels they are "boy obsessed" or "weird" for seeming to think about sex a lot more than their friends. I take some comfort in realising that we are all different and feel things to different extents. E.g. I have never had a difficult relationship with food, and I don't have any trouble abstaining from excessive drinking or smoking etc., whereas others do. But the abstaining from premarital sex thing seems to be a particular struggle for me.

Up until nowish, abstaining from sex has not been too difficult but the last few months have catapulted me into a new phase where it's becoming much harder to imagine no-sex-me being a thing. A rough road ahead, to be sure! But I don't want to be overly pessimistic (as is tempting!) and make huge statements about how I'll never meet someone or how I'll die without exploring my sexuality more. 

So, hang in there folks! Remember why you want to wait for marriage and then preoccupy yourself with other important things. Not helpful, in my experience, to spend too long bemoaning your sexless life. Join a cooking class or something and be positive. Don't resign yourself to a nunnery just yet. You don't know the future and when/if you might meet someone, so don't make huge statements about it. Take it one day at a time if you must, and don't do stuff which you know will just make it harder (e.g. focus so much of your mind on sex or preemptively buy sexy lingerie or something when no one is going to see it just yet - this just aggravates the frustration).

And don't be too hard on yourself if you are struggling to walk the road, we're all here because we find it hard to live by our beliefs when the going gets tough.

 

That's all from me, peace out and all the strength to you all!

 

 

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I'm not here "because we find it hard to live by our beliefs when the going gets tough." I got on this site because I thought that I might find a wife, but that's just me. It can be an interesting forum.

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Hey Waitress,

First of all, I'm a number of years older than you, still waiting, and I don't regret it in the least! Obviously, I've felt the same pressure you have as well, but when I look at how people treat sex nowadays, the divorce rate (the more premarital partners one has, the higher the divorce rate according to studies), cheating, etc. it's become easier for me to see that and say, "Yeah I don't want any part of what they're having." People are hollowing out sex to the point of being devoid of all meaning whatsoever, even in married couples. We live in this society that makes sex about performance and spectacle and then when people do have sex they have a completely warped understanding of the significance of intimacy (hint: intimacy is much more than pleasure and sex). There are actually more and more adult entertainers coming out and talking about this and how porn, premarital sex, and the depiction of sex in media is literally destroying people's intimacy of sex, even within marriage. There was an article I was reading where there was a male entertainer that told the female entertainer to look him in the eyes and she couldn't do it. So even the actors and actresses themselves are literally messing with the bonding ability of sex and they know it. Psychologists talk about this as well. Pornography and premarital sex partners are two of the top reasons couples come in for therapy. 

When everything becomes about maximizing pleasure at all costs as opposed to mentally engaging with the other person and tempering pleasure in a self-less way so as to focus intimately on the other person...well, the long and the short of it is that for too long people that waited were told they're "prudes" or "taking sex way too seriously." In truth, it's everyone else and our culture that is making way too big a deal out of sex. Sex is not the end all be all of the universe (and yes, I have a very strong drive too, but I distract myself productively by engaging in my work/hobbies/skills when the urge arises). Why would anyone want to trivialize something so powerfully intimate and vulnerable for nothing more than momentary pleasure (I even hear some people treat it as getting the first time "out of the way") to the point where it's as meaningless as quenching a thirst or eating food: just have your daily hit and off you go! No. No thanks. No, I'm waiting because sex isn't all that important in and of itself. Sure, it may feel good, but that doesn't make it good, but I know that when put in it's proper place physically and mentally in a bonded relationship, it can mean the entire world. 

I understand your strife, but seriously, watching porn is probably not the best idea. I've talked to many people -- there was just an article the other day on this -- where they discussed how they severely regret watching porn due to a plethora of reasons (and feel like they've been lied to about the effects on their life), but one of the main ones is that it increases the frequency of sexual thoughts. This is actually proven scientifically and doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to understand. The more you inundate yourself with that kind of stimulation and the less you practice self-control from seeing it the more your body craves it, not to mention the fact that depending on what you're watching you may be setting yourself up for having serious problems with mental arousal, not to mention the physical (more and more therapists are discussing genital desensitization and how more men and women need more "help." Why people feel good about hampering themselves to the point of having to use tools or pills is beyond me, but therapists and companies like it and say it's no big deal so they can make more money!). Don't get me wrong, the images in and of themselves don't cause your body to crave it more, rather it's the lack of mental control and eventually becoming mentally associated with the stimulation and dopamine rush of anticipating seeing the images again. Obviously, even people that don't watch pornography can have sexual thoughts. In the past people thought it was due to "repression," much like religious figures having problem controlling themselves, but the history of different societies and how sexually active and/or promiscuous they were shows that the mental attitude and discipline about sex made the difference. 

They've even measured brain activity in people before watching porn and after and the part of their brain associated with self control literally shrinks. At first people thought this was just a bunch of fake science, but once again, the porn industry came out recently said they're finding they're having to come up with increasingly extreme situations to quench the thirst of their viewers.  Again, all this shouldn't really surprise anyone. It's no different than movies and violence. At first seeing a little blood here and there was shocking. Then people got used to it. Now movies show a whole lot more than blood and it only increases in shock value, until everyone gets used to it and someone comes up with something even more shocking. It never ends. People always grab for more, until there's no where left to grab. There's something to be said about the naiveté of previous generations when it came to sex. They didn't need as much stimulation because they didn't overindulge themselves. They savored the simple pleasures, and as science would have it, previous generations not only rated sex more enjoyable than current generations, but they also had it more frequently not to mention had higher marriage rates and fewer divorces! I'll get the study if you're interested. It's in one of my many bookmark folders, but you can also look it up for yourself. It's actually pretty widely known.

I know urges are hard, but they can be controlled, and in truth, that is part of the mental discipline of sex...which is the part our society forgot. Previous generations understood that sex with a partner is more mental than it is physical. Like all things in today's society, we thought that if we just became bigger, faster, stronger, and push it to the limit physically everything will be even more enjoyable, but in doing so we neglected the heart and mind. As they say, we are what we eat, and our society today takes the easy road of fast and dirty while expecting to get meaningful depth without any of the hard work. I want depth and I want meaning. That's what keeps me going. And if there's no one else out there that is holding out for the same and working on themselves to abstain not only physically but from the mental atrophy of the masses, well, I'll die happy savoring and praising the beauty of what exclusive intimacy can be. It would be a punishment worse than death having to live with the gilt of extinguishing that beauty in exchange for empty pleasure.

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