Jeremy

Stiff-armed a possible wife candidate over trivials

7 posts in this topic

When I was between 25 and 27 I stiff-armed a potential wife for trivial things and some weird things.

I'm 37 going on 38 and I just can't help but wonder what would have happened had I pursued a pretty 24-year-old when I was 25. Before I tell the story, I am wondering about things which I would have today that I do not.  I could easily have a sweet sex 2,000 times. Could have had 5 kids easy. Could have had the income of a two parent household to live on. Could have the respectability of being married.   The Biblical Proverb: "He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor of the LORD." So favor of the LORD was missed.

It really boils down to the fact that I thought that I could do much better than her. She wasn't anything to sniff at either. Good looking and had a job, no kids.

I met her Mom before I met her, her name was Julie. Her mom began sobbing when I introduced myself to her at a church, because her only son (of the same name) committed suicide in the AirForce. Kind of a hard thing to do to a stranger. Her mother to her to the place that I worked, so you know that I met mom's standards. They called me "Huck" So they didn't have to call me Jeremy.

I didn't like her blue eyes and didn't like her chin, she was too short, and she was too quiet for me.  The quietness was her nerves, but I just was unforgiving in my estimation and evaluation of her.Then one day her mother told me that she woke up every night thinking that spiders were on her. The had taken her to a sleep study to try to figure it out. I thought that was too weird.

Do not think that I was unaware of faults that I had.  I had thousands in credit card debt and student loan debt. Plus I smoked, and I thought that my future wife deserved better than that.

FOR THESE REASONS I just never pursued her. Not one date.

Point of this post is that over 10 yrs ago I could have been happily married to a good looking woman, but I thought I could do better and now I have a dog and a cat, but no prospects on the horizon that make me feel good about myself.

Anyone in this forum in the same boat?

Seems like there is always some sleaze hitting on you, but a good woman is hard to find. Thanks.

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Just curious, did this girl have any good qualities that made you on the fence as to whether you should pursue her or not?

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I kept myself clear from her, though she (and her mother) had interest. She was very shy and just wouldn't talk to me. All that I really knew about her is that she went to church and worked.

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Okay so here are my more in depth thoughts:

First I'm a bit confused about some conflicting things you said. You say she is good looking but then you say don't like her eyes, chin etc. From what I understand, it sounds like you are saying she is good looking, but not good looking enough for you to date, at least at the time. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. First off, let me just say that physical attraction is important and never should be overlooked. You SHOULD be attracted to your wife. At the same time, it's also important to have realistic expectations. I don't think we should only look for 10s or 9s unless you are one yourself. But even then, I think it's a mistake to pass someone over whom you are attracted to but are nit picking at little imperfections they may have.

I think sometimes it's difficult having a balance between having realistic expectations and not settling. These days many of us are obsessed with "trading up" or as you say feeling like you could do better. Many people jump around from one relationship to the next hoping to find the next best thing. But very few seem to want to stay and work to make what they already do have into something better. I think that if you can find someone who has the same values as you and whom you are attracted to enough, then I don't think that is settling and can have a great and fulfilling marriage with.

On the shyness issue, I can understand how that could be a turn off, especially if it was really as severe as you suggested. Although I personally would have made a little bit more of an effort to try to pursue her in hopes she will break out of her shell. I don't think going on a date or two would have been a huge investment. You might have ended up warming up to her.

But that's not how things turned out and what is done is done. As it so happens, I had to let go of an amazing girl I once had an amazing connection with because I was couldn't be the man she deserved at the time. I had a lot of personal problems that I needed to work on before I could be the best man I could be for her. There were days I wonder what might have been if things were different. But I just remind myself that it had to go down that way for her sake.

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This woman is someone you didn't know.  You didn't, for whatever reason, think she was worth the time getting to know.  So even if she was a wonderful person, the very powerful draw of "what if?" has you sucked in and is making you suffer right now.  Just be away that that is an endless well and can take over your imagination and lead you to despair. 

I think it's interesting to note that you said you could have had sex thousands of times and had kids and more money...instead of that you maybe missed out on getting to know a wonderful person.  Though it has many positive attributes, marriage is not about a status upgrade.  It is about uniting with another person. 

That's what I would be worried about, rather than missing out on sex or kids.  Is it hard for you to get close to people?  Have you had other girlfriends you were close to?  Are you a closed off and emotionally unavailable person?

These things are relationship killers.
 

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In all honesty, when I look back at 'could have beens' it makes me feel one of two ways... 1. I'll get depressed thinking what it was about me, or them, that made it not happen. I know it's difficult for guys to ask out girls, but I even asked out a couple people and was turned down. I don't envy the male sex. That being said, I fall into a head space of 'what's wrong with me...' Answer? Oh so much. It's one reason I'm in counseling. However, them there's the second way... 2. there are instances I look back on and realized I dodged a bullet that it didn't go the way I wanted.

I've also realized that the times I turned someone down because of a lack if attraction was not as shallow as I once thought. To most people physical attraction plays SOME part in wanting to get to know someone on a romantic level. Some people are more emotionally inclined, some physical...most of us are a combination. There is NOTHING wrong with this. The problem we face is making peace with our past. That's something we all owe to ourselves.

I have also learned that what we find physically attractive can change over time, and allowing ourselves to accept how we are changing is very important. I know that my tastes have changed. There are guys I find attractive now that, say 10 years ago, I would not have found appealing.

I'm sorry...I think maybe I went off topic? I'm not even sure if I answered the question clearly, but I've typed this all out.... :/ So im leaving it. :)

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Looks can be decieving. To say beauty is a certain standard limits beauty. A redwood forest is a different beauty then wide open blue skies tall grass.we can't live without beauty clean water ,pure air.i have heard it said beauty is a brick ugly is light as a feather.i know I have seen the brightest blue eyes do horrid things to others.i know there has to be qualities of the heart otherwise no chemistry will happen doesn't matter how handsome they are.

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